Is it wrong/Whats the rule?

ashleipyle · August 2012

My fiance, Jason, has a stepsister named Jessica. (if you have read my other posts, no not that one)

They are not close at all, however for about a year and a half, we did have their daughters over alot. We both enjoy spending time with kids, because we don't have our own and its good practice. We bonded to Jessica's 2 daughters and it was great.

That cam to a screeching halt about 2 years ago, when Jessica 'found God' and decided that because I am of a different faith and Jason and I live together before marriage, that we are no longer allowed contact with her kids with out her or her mother, Sylvia, present.

This devastated Jason and I. We haven't spoken to Jessica more than 3 times in the last 2 years. Having grown very judgemental, we just choose to avoid the situation altogether.

I will say that during all the time i spent with her daughers, I NEVER, not even once, spoke of my beliefs to her daughters. Not Even Once. And with them being 2 and 5, its highly unlikely they understood that Jason and I arent Married, yet.

SO HERE IS THE QUESTION

Sylvia, Jason's step mom, has made it known far and wide, that we "better" invite Jessica, her husband and their 2 daughters, to our wedding. And that being the youngest girls in either of our families, traditionally we are required to ask that Jessica's daughters be our flower girls.

WOAH. No. I as nicely as I could muster, told her that not only will I not have them as my flower girls, but that I am also not inviting her daughter.

It is not just about the history and the conflict. Its also because we are having a super small wedding of 40 people and no children. Our wedding is open bar on a Cruise, personally I don't think children have a place around an open bar.

Jason has a huge family, I do as well, narrowing it to 40 is already difficult.

Sylvia has thrown a complete fit, saying she will invite Jess herself and I will have to deal with it. The venue charges a $200 service charge per 50 people plus $18/ person over 50.

Am I wrong to exclude her and her family, even though she is technically immediate family?

Would it just be easier to just invite her, making it known no kids? Then I will have to cut someone else out. What do I do about the flower girl stuff..

I just want to avoid the hostility and drama.

Can I buy a Wedding Drama Etiquette 101 Book somewhere?

KatWAG · August 2012

Is Sylvia paying for the wedding?

[Deleted User] · August 2012

Seeing as this is FI's family, it is his job to handle this situation. No one can tell you who to have in your wedding party. If you and your FI are firm on the guest list and weren't planning on inviting them anyway, then stick to your guns.

achiduck · August 2012

1) Honestly, because it's immediate family I would just invite them.

2) You don't mention "adults only/no kids" you simply address the invitation to the peopel invited. You can also write "X spaces have been reserved in your honour" on the RSVP card. If they RSVP with the kids you call and tell them you're sorry for any confusion but the invitiation was only for the people listed on the envelope.

3) You are by no mean obligated to include the kids in the WP if you don't want to. The SM will have to get over it.

TaraMc728 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-wrongwhats-the-rule?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2b2c9b24-39ab-45c4-a94e-889e74e17031Post:00c69357-a5f3-4f25-a5cd-b5f2957d71ae">Re: Is it wrong/Whats the rule?</a>:
[QUOTE]Seeing as this is FI's family, it is his job to handle this situation. No one can tell you who to have in your wedding party. If you and your FI are firm on the guest list and weren't planning on inviting them anyway, then stick to your guns.
Posted by JordanF13[/QUOTE]

This exactly. Plus, is Sylvia paying? If not, no pay no say.

daubachsgirl23 · August 2012

I would let FI deal with his family. If Sylvia is paying for or contributing to the wedding, she does have some say in the guest list, but not in your WP.

ashleipyle · August 2012

No one is helping us pay for anything. We are even paying for the BP attire and a few of the guests travel/lodging expenses.

Thank you all for such a speedy responce.

ElleB87 · August 2012

Wow good luck spending the rest of your life dealing with Sylvia. Whether she's paying or not she's acting like a brat. Does she have some say in the guest list if she's paying? Yes, of course. She can even choose to pull out her funds if she doesn't agree with how the wedding is being planned. If she's not paying then your FI needs to put her in her place ASAP.

We need more info OP

ElleB87 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-wrongwhats-the-rule?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2b2c9b24-39ab-45c4-a94e-889e74e17031Post:a19b0fa8-62d4-481a-897a-f8f3e3603c06">Re: Is it wrong/Whats the rule?</a>:
[QUOTE]No one is helping us pay for anything. We are even paying for the BP attire and a few of the guests travel/lodging expenses. Thank you all for such a speedy responce.
Posted by ashleipyle[/QUOTE]

Ah, well then, it really sucks that you have to deal with such a witch of a FSMIL. I really hope things work out in the end. Personally, I would not invite Jessica and her brood. I'd let Sylvia know that it's your wedding and your guest list, if she disagrees with your choices to the point where you cannot trust her to remain civil then you may have to reconsider whether she will even be invited (if invitations and STD's haven't gone out yet).

ashleipyle · August 2012

I totally wish that I could not invite Sylvia, but if we dont, Jasons dad will not show.

That is very important to Jason. I cant take that from him.

mkrupar · August 2012

It it's truly no kids, you don't have to invite the kids, but I would invite Jessica and her SO. They might not even come given the type of wedding it is. Sounds like fun to me, but God may not like cruises, or something...

Maggie0829 · August 2012

Honestly, I would just invite his sister and her husband to your wedding for the sole reason to not launch you, your FI, and his family into WWIII.

But, since she does not consent to what you and your FI are doing in regards to your differing faith and living together before marriage they may just decline to come.

However, I would draw the line at including the kids in the wedding. The only two people who can make the decision on who is and is not in the wedding is you and your FI. Period.

MyUserName1 · August 2012

Yeah, you're stuck inviting Sylvia, but there is no way I'd find room in my tiny guest list for Jessica and her husband.

"Sorry, Sylvia, but we just don't have the space to invite everyone we'd like" (Which is true. You don't. The fact that you WOULDN'T like to invite Jessica is besides the fact)

Lather, rinse, repeat.

ashleipyle · August 2012

Thanks a bunch you guys are so helpful.

nextrightthing · August 2012

I'd say invite the stepsister and her husband. It is immediate family and it is going to cause a huge fight if you don't. If they disagree with your lifestyle so much, they might not even come.

Of course you don't have to have her kids as FGs, though. Just say thanks for your opinion and keep it at that.

Also, I don't even drink, but I don't see why you are judgey about people having kids around an open bar. It isn't like they are going to get drunk just being there lol.

niquemel · August 2012

Be the bigger person and invite the sister+husband. The ball is heir court whether they want to be adults or not. Odds are, they won't and it will be fine.

Even if your mother in law is paying, I think you have to right to say "no children".

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

I love when people say children have no place around an open bar. My parents drank wine when I was kid and we were home. All kinds of alcohol is always present at every holiday with my family. That's an open bar. I can remember climbing up on my dad's lap and asking for a sip of wine at some Thanksgivings. He'd give me a sip and send me on my way. Somehow, I survived just fine. Alcohol won't scar children as long as it's being imbibed responsibly.

Cortney1982 · August 2012

To be the better person, I'd invite Jessica and her husband, no kids even though they thought they were too holy to be around their own family. Chances are they will decline if they can't bring their kids.

mkrupar · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-wrongwhats-the-rule?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2b2c9b24-39ab-45c4-a94e-889e74e17031Post:5e33f964-b019-4102-9e65-2ff7c1687eee">Re: Is it wrong/Whats the rule?</a>:
[QUOTE]I love when people say children have no place around an open bar. My parents drank wine when I was kid and we were home. All kinds of alcohol is always present at every holiday with my family. That's an open bar. I can remember climbing up on my dad's lap and asking for a sip of wine at some Thanksgivings. He'd give me a sip and send me on my way. Somehow, I survived just fine. Alcohol won't scar children as long as it's being imbibed responsibly.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

ITA and I loathe that as an excuse to not invite kids to a wedding. If you don't want kids, don't invite kids, and own that decision. Don't make it because little johnny shouldn't be around a bar/people drinking.

achiduck · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-wrongwhats-the-rule?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2b2c9b24-39ab-45c4-a94e-889e74e17031Post:5e33f964-b019-4102-9e65-2ff7c1687eee">Re: Is it wrong/Whats the rule?</a>:
[QUOTE]I love when people say children have no place around an open bar. My parents drank wine when I was kid and we were home. All kinds of alcohol is always present at every holiday with my family. That's an open bar. <strong> I can remember climbing up on my dad's lap and asking for a sip of wine at some Thanksgivings</strong>. He'd give me a sip and send me on my way. Somehow, I survived just fine. Alcohol won't scar children as long as it's being imbibed responsibly.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I would do the same thing. Eventually as a teenager my parents would allow me to have a small glass of wine at family dinners. I did not grow up to be an alcoholic.

pkontk · August 2012

I think that often kids growing up seeing Mom and Dad have a few beers or glasses of wine gives them a better perspective about alcohol, and since the forbidden factor is less, they are less likely to binge drink.

Anyway, off-topic. You definitely need to invite Sylvia, and I'd likely invite Jessica and husband to avoid drama, then hope that if they really are that unsupportive of your marriage, they will politely decline.

willywally5 · August 2012

You are absolutely not obligated to have Jessica's children be FG's. In fact, you don't need ANY FGs. Sylvia can shove it as far as that's concerned.

And about Sylvia. Ahh, Sylvia. You have to invite her, even though she sounds like a controlling hag. She's FFIL's wife and FI's stepmom. C'est la vie.

You have every right to have a child-free wedding and not invite Jessica's children's. You are also not obligated to invite Jessica and her SO; however, if you are inviting H's other step siblings, you'd probably be best to invite her just to avoid the likely hysterics not inviting her would cause.

One can only hope her incredibly high (and judge-y) moral standards will keep her from attending the nuptials of a couple who've been living in sin and having booze at their wedding to boot! It's a wonder you aren't all going to hell in a handbasket! ; )

[Deleted User] · August 2012

I agree with a few other posters. Invite the step sister. Based on her beliefs, there is a good chance she won't come. But at least you'll make your mother in law to be happy that she was invited. In regards to the kids, tell her MIL that due to the location of the reception you don't feel it's an approriate location for kids to be there and it wouldn't be fair to ask the girls to be a part of your wedding but not allow them to the reception. If the sister does come, try to make it work financially because it will go a long way for the family relationship going forward.

APDSS22 · August 2012

Good luck with your situation, your FSMIL sounds like a real peach.

banana468 · August 2012

Totally ditto Joy and mkrupar on the reasoning that you're not inviting kids.

I'll support an adults-only wedding until the cows come home. Don't pull the 'it's an open bar BS' on me though.

briana144 · August 2012

In my opinion, since his dad and step mom aren't paying for anything, I would say it's up to you. Personally, I do not consider a step sister to be immediate family. It all depends on the person though. I would tell Jason's step mom if she wants them at the wedding, she can pay for them. It's not fair to you that you have to pay for them to come and you rarely talk to them. I also agree that it is Jason's side of the family and he should be more of the one dealing with all of it.

eyes2theocean · August 2012

If she hurt you and condemned your lifestyle, and your future husband is on board with your decision, don't invite her. It's YOUR wedding.

ashleipyle · August 2012

I didnt elaborate on the open bar/no kids thing... some of the people in my family get retarded drunk- frequently. I dont want kids to see that.

ashleipyle · August 2012

and its really 2 reasons for no kids, mostly its the 40 guest limit. Yes i can go over that, no i dont want to. most of the people i know have 2-4 kids each. kids would baloon my guest list

ashleipyle · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-wrongwhats-the-rule?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2b2c9b24-39ab-45c4-a94e-889e74e17031Post:f648a11e-d7c3-4ee3-9afe-ac6e0a4f934e">Re: Is it wrong/Whats the rule?</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I wouldn't invite Jessica. If you deem me unfit to be around your children because of my religion, I deem you an asshat who isn't getting invited to my wedding. In my opinion, sometimes being the bigger person is overrated.
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]

your post made me giggle hahaha. thanks

Jason and I talked it over again and he is with me no invite for her. We figure if it is this soon into our planning and we cave in on the first despute with Sylvia, then it will be an uphill battle all the way to the alter. We dont want her to have one reason to think that she has final say in anything.

Is it wrong/Whats the rule?

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