His bachelor is causing me stress.

Mel713 · November 2010

I know I'll get some flack about this but I still need to vent/comment or whatever.

So fi bachelor party is coming up and I have been dreading this forever. I totally trust him but I really hate the idea of strippers. I know there have one or two or how ever many. I'm fine with him watching and enjoying the show but I don't like is the touching. I can't stand the idea of him touch another woman inappropriately. I say if you wont do it front of me than you shouldn't do behind me. All I asked was if he was going to touch her was to keep it to certain areas. He pretty much told me he was going to do what ever he wanted. To me it just felt like a slap in the face saying you know what I don't care about your feeling and I don't respect you and I'm going to touch this woman all over and I don't care how you feel about it. I didn't have a stripper and even if I did I would not have touched his penis. I'm fine with watching but the touching really bothers me. I'm just so upset right now that I don't know what to do or say. This was last night and I haven't talked to him since. I know he's not to to sleep with her but I feel disguised that he's going to touch another women regardless of the situation;I don't think it's right.

lilianne22 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_his-bachelor-causing-stress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:2ab3919d-299a-405a-a82a-ad57cb5c1355Post:52da519d-f316-485a-b987-0850ea0cc2ee">His bachelor is causing me stress.</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I'll get some flack about this but I still need to vent/comment or whatever. So fi bachelor party is coming up and I have been dreading this forever. I totally trust him but I really hate the idea of strippers. I know there have one or two or how ever many. I'm fine with him watching and enjoying the show but I don't like is the touching. I can't stand the idea of him touch another woman inappropriately. I say if you wont do it front of me than you shouldn't do behind me. All I asked was if he was going to touch her was to keep it to certain areas. He pretty much told me he was going to do what ever he wanted. To me it just felt like a slap in the face saying you know what I don't care about your feeling and I don't respect you and I'm going to touch this woman all over and I don't care how you feel about it. I didn't have a stripper and even if I did I would not have touched his penis. I'm fine with watching but the touching really bothers me. I'm just so upset right now that I don't know what to do or say. This was last night and I haven't talked to him since. I know he's not to to sleep with her but I feel disguised that he's going to touch another women regardless of the situation;I don't think it's right.
Posted by Mel713[/QUOTE]

I think you need to say to your FI what you really mean. You said you don't like the idea of strippers at his B party at all but then you tell him it's okay if he has strippers there just not to touch them. If you aren't comfortable with strippers there at all, you need to just say that. You also didn't need to say it's okay to touch them but only in certain areas. Why would you want him to touch them at all? He shouldn't. It's disrespectful to you and to your relationship.

I think you need to get real with him and then if he still says he'll do what he wants let him know that isn't okay with you. I think disregarding your feelings on this should really make you think about you and your FI's relationship. GL.

Mel713 · November 2010

He knows I'm totally against stripper but he says that it's not his choice to have them there, It's the guys throwing it and how can he not watch and be a part of it when there doing this for him. I'm not telling him it's ok to have them but I know they will be there and I don't have any say in that. But I was hoping that he would al least listen to how I feel and maybe restraint himself from doing things I disagree with. He see nothing wrong with this and thinks I'm over reacting.

jeanna85 · November 2010

If it's a stripper and not a prostitute there shouldnt be any touching going on except maybe a lap dance (which really arent very racy at all). It seems like you have serious trust issues that you and your fiance need to work on before getting married.

Mel713 · November 2010

I trust him not to have sex with this stripper but he has already told me that when you get dances that the guys touch the stripper and I asked him not too but he's says that there nothing wrong with touching the stripper and that's part of the dancing. I don't know any stripper and I have never been a bachelor party so I have no idea what goes on and what is and isn't done.

Ghoti · November 2010

If YOU have a problem with him touching other women (naked or not), then he needs to respect that. Its all about the dynamics of your relationship. Some women don't have a problem with strippers, but you do. That is what is important. You're fiance blowing you off is a pretty serious red light, though.

Summer2011Bride · November 2010

I would just be straight with him and tell him what you told us. I think it's perfectly fine that you are not OK with strippers. I'm not either; I just don't really get it. Why does anyone feel the need to do that as their "last chance to see a woman naked" or whatever. Doesn't make sense to me, but if both people in the relationship are fine with it, then OK. You are not and he should respect your opinion. It's not like you're saying "I don't want you going out with your guy friends and getting drunk." No, I think this is a perfectly reasonable request.

But it sounds like you're not OK with strippers AT ALL so be honest with him and tell him why. If he still doesn't seem to care, I think you have bigger relationship issues that need to be talked about.

lilianne22 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_his-bachelor-causing-stress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:2ab3919d-299a-405a-a82a-ad57cb5c1355Post:baf0ea12-8147-4a7e-a45d-b0dff309dfc2">Re: His bachelor is causing me stress.</a>:
[QUOTE]He knows I'm totally against stripper but he says that it's not his choice to have them there, It's the guys throwing it and how can he not watch and be a part of it when there doing this for him. I'm not telling him it's ok to have them but I know they will be there and I don't have any say in that. But I was hoping that he would al least listen to how I feel and maybe restraint himself from doing things I disagree with. He see nothing wrong with this and thinks I'm over reacting.
Posted by Mel713[/QUOTE]

I don't buy this first bolded part. If he said to his friends he didn't want one there and if one was there that he would leave, they wouldn't do it. He does have a say, sounds to me like he's using his friends as an excuse to make it okay.

The last sentence you wrote raises the major red flags. If he "sees nothing wrong with it" he's obviously not listening to or taking your feelings into consideration which is not cool. He really sounds like he's making excuses and trying to rationalize his behavior.

SuMmErKuTiE · November 2010

Yes this is a trust issue, I highly doubt he'd actually sleep with a stripper (GROSS) but he's not respecting you. I would never marry a guy who would disrespect my wishes and actually tell me to my face that he's doing something I told him I was uncomfortable with. That's a huge red flag in your relationship. Do you really want to marry a man who not only is willing to do something that he knows makes you upset and uncomfortable but actually tells you "Too bad.."

NatashaYF · November 2010

I have, or had, this fear as well with my FI's best man. We already don't really care for each other, we just get by as being friends for my FI or at least that's the way I look at it. He's a huge partier and neither one of us are interested in that to the extent he is. I expressed my feelings very early on about b-parties and he understood so we came to the conclusion to have a joint party just to avoid the aggravation of it all. It's not really a big deal to us to have anything extravagant either because there isn't any reason to act out of line for one night if you aren't going to any other time throughout the relationship.

I hope things end up working out for you, communication is key! Good luck!

marissa_claire · November 2010

Um, at most strip clubs you aren't allowed to touch the strippers. I wouldn't worry about that.

And to be honest, I think every girl needs to go to a strip club to see what they're all about before getting up in arms. The reality is you're probably hotter than any stripper he's going to see. I think you've seen too many movies.

bdriley · November 2010

Tell him you're going (without him) to a strip club to see what kind of behavior you can expect from his bachelor party. If you see other men respecting boundaries or the strippers stopping them at points of touching that you think are good limits then come back to him and tell him you are fine with strippers if he goes to a strip club. If not, then tell him you're not okay with him having strippers and if he chooses to go ahead with it then it will be a breakup party he's going to instead of a bachelor party. I would never be okay with my fiance going to a bachelor party that hired strippers that made house calls. I would only be okay if it was in a strip club where bouncers are available to limit things if someone wanted to take it too far and women are aware of their obligations to follow the rules of their job and place limits on what the customer can do to them.

ckonidak · November 2010

Dont throw out ultimatums, and don't let yourself get carried away in your emotions or fears either. Be straight with him.

I have to say that even if this does relate to a trust issue on your behalf (big red flag, just fyi), the even bigger problem is his response to your feelings. I know you love this guy, and probably are willing to look past this right now, but think about in the future, when you guys are deciding on something important, how well are you going to like hearing him essentially tell you that your feelings aren't important?

Figure out a way to deal with this issue now or it may snowball once you get married. :-( Good luck.

SereJane · November 2010

I completely understand where you're coming from. I hate the idea of my FI looking at strippers on the night before he's committing his whole life to me-it seems to me to go against the whole concept of being with someone until you die.
Make sure you tell him how awful/worried he is making you feel, and ask him to respect your wishes.

raniacharles · November 2010

This is so not a "trust" issue. That trust issue line is incredibly manipulative. I can't even figure out what this would have to do with trust. The argument I suppose is that you have to trust your guy not to sleep with the stripper. But if intimacy to you goes beyond intercourse, then interacting or even watching strippers is being intimate. It is completely reasonable not to want your boyfriend or husband to go to strip clubs or to touch naked women. I wish that women would stop telling other women to chill out. Sheesh. If someone is fine with strip clubs or prostitutes or open marriage or whatever, good for them. But that doesn't mean that they need to diminish another person's boundaries, morals, or desires.

This is completely a respect issue. And I don't believe that you haven't been clear. Seems like you have been perfectly clear and he told you tough luck. Don't let others trivialize this problem for you. You know this is not right.

I hope that he has lots of other good qualities, because this seems like one BIG RED FLAG to me.

superheroprincess · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_his-bachelor-causing-stress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:2ab3919d-299a-405a-a82a-ad57cb5c1355Post:7660973d-daf1-4478-bbab-689a37935955">Re: His bachelor is causing me stress.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: His bachelor is causing me stress. : A) I didn't tell her to "chill out". I said that I WASN'T saying that for a very specific reason. B) How dare you compare not having a meltdown at the idea of your guy seeing another chick's breasts with being okay with him hiring a prostitute? If you want to talk respecting people's moral boundaries, you might start a conversation with the person in the mirror. She sounds like she could use it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

- She wasn't comparing a person who doesn't like stripclubs to a person who is OK with him hiring a prostitute...
She's saying that everyone has different morals and values and relationships and that to some people they might be OK with that. She's not saying that women who are fine with a strip club are also fine with prostitution or swinging.
You need to learn how to respect other peoples views and morals.

This is definitely not a "trust" issue. Being comfortable with your Fi looking at another person is a sexual way has nothing to do with trust at all. It has to do with your relationship beliefs and what you're comfortable with.
If you've expressed your concerns and he's still not comfortable then you should go see a relationship counsellor because there are definitely CONTROL, ABUSE (emotional) and RESPECT issues underlying his comment to do whatever he wants.

raniacharles · December 2010

Superhero got it right.

The part that is disrespectful of other people's morals is this, for example.

"Honestly, I have no issue with strippers and I normally tell brides-to-be to chill out and trust their guys."

You see, just because you have no issue with strippers doesn't mean that you should disrespect someone else's morals and beliefs and tell them to chill out. Or tell them to "trust" their guys. That imposes your belief that interaction with or watching strippers in a sexual way should be fine for them too. That's fine for you. It doesn't have to be fine for someone else, and it disrespects someone to have someone else tell them that their boundaries and morals are not the right ones because they aren't yours.

Also, you said this to me, I presume.

"How dare you compare not having a meltdown at the idea of your guy seeing another chick's breasts with being okay with him hiring a prostitute? If you want to talk respecting people's moral boundaries, you might start a conversation with the person in the mirror. She sounds like she could use it."

Do you see how angry you became when you misinterpreted my comment so that you thought it implied that watching bare breasts was the same as hiring a prostitute. You think that they are different, so you assumed I did not respect your moral boundaries. And while you do not seem to have a need to respect others boundaries (see above), you certainly don't like it when you believe others don't respect yours.

Superhero also got it right in that I DID NOT say or imply that watching a naked girls breasts was the same as sleeping with a prostitute. They are different acts on a sexual spectrum and what I said and implied was that different women have distinct morals and boundaries about where the line of monogamous sexuality should be drawn. And that one needs to respect others people's feelings on the matter, even if they are not the same as yours. And that is why this is all about respect, and not trust.

His bachelor is causing me stress.

Re: His bachelor is causing me stress.

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