kid dilemma

bakersduzin · March 2012

I think TK just ate my last post, so I apologize if this appears twice. So my FI invited his former roommate and his girlfriend, and I got their response today. However, they also want to bring their 11 month old son (the invite was only addressed to the 2 of them, but they wrote their son in anyway). The only kids we were going to have are my cousin's/BM's kids - they are 4 and 5. Am I a total jerk if I tell this guy that he can't bring his son? I told my mom about the situation, and she was all up in arms about it (she's the one paying for the reception). Ugh...

em01092 · March 2012

I say if you do this, you're going to have a lot of other guests with kids wondering why so and so was allowed to bring their kid, but they were not welcome to bring theirs. IMO, you should have clear cut offs and not make exceptions (what you had planned is fine- family kids, kids in the WP, breastfeeding infants, etc are all fine cut offs). Explain this rationale to your mom and she may come around.

Just tell your FI's friend that the invitation was for them only, and if they whine/say they can't make it, say you understand.

blgrout · March 2012

It really sucks to have to do that, but I agree with Em. I have been having this problem with a few people since we started getting RSVP's, and while there's been some whining and snarky comments from one cousin, they get it and accept it. If you make an exception for one, it's going to create some animosity with other people ("why did she let so-and-so bring their kid but we can't?"). KWIM?

It still sucks that people do this though.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

Meh...I might be the odd man out, but 11 months is still young. It wouldn't bother me to have him there. Its not like he's going to need a plate or run all over the place.

naarnold · March 2012

If cost is an issue (as you mentioned your monther was paying for it and was unhappy), you may want to talk to your vendor. My fiance and I are having a number of kids at the wedding and any children under 4 are free and 5-12 are 1/2 price.

If you just don't want kids there then you may have a sticky situation since you have other children at thew wedding. The couple might be fine with it until they get to the wedding and see all the other children there. Then they might be hurt.

A final option if you don't want children at the reception is to find some college students that you may know that want to make a few extra bucks and have a sitter for the little ones. (If you are more concerned abotu the ceremony and the ceremony is at a church you might be able to see if the person that typically sits in their nursery on Sunday would be interested in coming in if you paid x amount-- Especially if you knew that the person had a background check and cpr training through the church's requirements)

Just some thoughts. Hope it helps.

kmac821 · March 2012

I had a similar situation, but had to just let it go. My half brother & his wife wrote in their son who will be 18 months at the wedding. I really didn't want to have any kids and had told my father this (hoping he would tell them before invites went out), but whatever. They don't 'believe' in babysitters, so she is a stay at home mom (which is totally cool in my book, hard work! but still, how do you not believe in babysitters??). My half brother will also have been flying back from Beijing to be at the wedding so I would feel bad splitting them up.

That being said though--I asked if they had any special seating requests and they wanted to be near a quick exit. This means they are now sitting furthest from us and unfortunately closest to the DJ. Can't make them happy though either way! If I get any snide remarks... i'm blaming it on my SIL and I have the email to prove it! Jk, I really love them, but bringing an infant to an adult, open bar wedding seems not fair. I just need to keep reminding myself that when I have kids, I need to remember this moment and not bring them with me to weddings!!

cdbishop · March 2012

i think the tough thing here is you are having kids a the wedding which aren't in the wedding but not allowing others. It is one thing if the kids you have are the flower girls or ring bearers, but you are only allowing those. Now that is your choice, and it definitely is not right for someone to write in a guest at all on their RSVP. Ultimately it is your decision, but if you say no just be able to explain why other children are allowed.

starree444 · March 2012

I'm having a similar problem. My cousin and his wife "have to" bring their 8month old because she's still nursing. While i think that's great that she's breastfeeding, there is something called a pump. Even if she doesn't want to use a pump, babies are capable to be away from their mothers for a couple hours. I absolutely do not want a single child at my wedding. The best part was that they asked me if bringing their 2.5yr old as well was an "absolute no". They said they're having problem finding a sitter because their only sitters are another cousin of mine, and the kids' grandparents. Not my problem. Pool together with your brother and his wife for the person who is watching their kids.

That may make me a bitch, but i don't care. They were all aware before i sent out the invites that kids are not allowed.

faerylvr27 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_kid-dilemma-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:955f9fe3-f92f-46c1-8187-18a3b2319508Post:bf494dfa-3c50-4f04-a512-3cdab20c09f7">Re: kid dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]Meh...I might be the odd man out, but 11 months is still young. It wouldn't bother me to have him there. Its not like he's going to need a plate or run all over the place.
Posted by norman74[/QUOTE]

i agree with this, but i know what OP is going thru. Even though the baby is not even a year old, if family members that were excluded see someone else with their child they may give her unnecessary grief. Some people just show up with kids and not even tell you on the RSVP. I despise self-inviters. Don't they understand we have a method to our madness? LOL

cgyvhu · March 2012

I agree with em. you need clear cut-offs. If this person is allowed to bring a child under 1-year, everyone should be allowed. I'd either say no, sorry, no kids but wedding party or say yes and let other guests know babies under 1 can come.

rtzrill - I think people generally allow nursing children to come even to a "no kids" event, but that's your call - if you were up front about it, then they shouldnt ask you again. TBH if I were them and I couldnt bring my nursing kid, I'd decline the invite, but that's a personal thing, I guess.

lcrvaric · March 2012

Funny you should bring this up. There was a HUGE uproar in my FH's family because no kids are invited. His two sisters have 5 kids total (ages 6, 5, 4, and twin 3 yr old boys). They are unruly and run and scream all over the place without their parents reprimanding them. There were no kids invited to the bridal shower that my girls gave me but they brought them anyway (the twins were taking the glasses and throwing them on the floor and watching them shatter to pieces...their mothers didn't correct them nor reprimand them). I do not want this chaos at my wedding nor do I need to be embarrassed. Well, anyway his family went nuts and then no one was going to the wedding and they couldn't respect our decision. They questions are morals and values and how stated that family wasn't our priority b/c we are inviting a lot of friends and the kids weren't invited. My biggest defense: my own 10 month old son will be the ring bearer but NOT at the reception so if my son isn't going to be at the reception, no other child will be either. My brother has a 2yr old and my cousins have children and I didn't get any complaints. Everyone understood that it's an adult event where children shouldn't be present. His family, on the other hand, mom, grandmother, aunt and uncle (who have no children), sisters all turned their backs on us. We sat down and had a talk with them and said they don't need to agree or understand our decision, they just need to respect it. They've come to terms with our decision and the husbands are going to stay home with the children and the sisters are going to be the only ones attending.

Sorry for the rant, but it felt good to get off my chest

kid dilemma

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