Becoming a step-mom is stressful!

crazynlove2011 · March 2012

This is mostly to vent because obviously I don't want to vent to FI. So FI is finishing nursing school in 7 weeks (thank goodness!) and then will be sitting for his nursing boards soon after. We are going to Vegas in August to get married with his two children. His son just turned 18 and the daughter will be 11.

So here is my frustration. My FI has sole custody of his son. When the son was 13, he wanted to have a relationship with his mom so FI let him live out of state with his mom to establish his relationship with his mom. It ended disastrously 5 months later when the son was put on a plane and sent home with only the clothes on his back. The son has a "failure" attitude and yes, is actively trying to fail high school. It will be a miracle if he actually graduates on time in June. His issue-he just refuses to do the work. He's a smart kid (works at a movie theater) but just lazy. When FI and I moved in together, we agreed to stay in the kid's school area so he could go to junior and senior year at the high school he was already going to. This meant an extra $400-500 a month in rent solely because there was such a limited area for apartments that were big enough for all of us (thus a townhouse,etc). My saving grace is that for the last year the son was saying he was going to join the Marines right after school. He has even done the paperwork. So FI and I have been planning on moving right after the wedding and downsizing (I have been working two full time jobs for two years to pay for the bigger place, help with FI schooling, etc and frankly, I am tired). Now the son doesn't want to go to the military and doesn't want to do college. We are refusing to pay for any of his college due to his current 1.7 GPA in high school and there is no current ambition. So he will continue to live with us. His father states he has to pay $300 a month in rent but I have a hard time believing that will be done.

So now what???? I am ready to scream at this kid because he is putting so much pressure on his father with his utter laziness. I just feel like my hands are tied and I am ready to blow up. I know I can't but am I entitled to have a discussion with him? I feel like this was supposed to be a wonderful summer with both FI and the son graduating and the wedding. Now with hsi potential not graduating high school looming, it really takes away some of the joy.

renjon7798 · March 2012

I don't understand why you can't vent to you're FI about this. Relationships must have open and honest communication. I think that if an adult over the age of 18 were to move or continue living in into my home, there would be a serious discussion and a lease would be signed. That being said, I believe you must sit down with your FI and express your worries and concerns with him.

right1thistime · March 2012

As I am the bio parent, I will strongly suggest that you allow you Fi to handle this. The discussion HAS TO take place between you and him. Ask him the consequence of Jr. not paying his rent. Make sure Jr. knows it, too, so that the two of you can hold him firmly accountable.

Having this conversation with you and Jr. will create a difficult dichotomy. What I see is a kid who sought a relationship with his mother, and she dumped him within 6 months. That makes him very very vulnerable to mother figures, namely you. And since his mother could so easily dump him, the changes in his home (his dad marrying you) should NOT lead to him getting dumped out of the house, particularly by you. Do you see the symbolism there?

Since his dad is just completing his nursing degree now, is he also a late bloomer? Or is he changing careers mid-life? Because if your fi drifted along for a while, and is just now pulling it together, Jr. may be modeling that as well.

Fi's earning potential should be going up with his graduation, yes? And you should be able to leave the region soon, right? At that point, you should be able to quit one of your jobs. That will leave you with more energy & time, and let the rest of them carry the load for a while. Teen years are the toughest in my book. You will survive. Good luck. ~Donna

jjolovich · March 2012

I agree with renjon, i would have a lease signed if he isn't going to pursue anything after hs if he even graduates.

Older kids can be hard, I will become a step mom to a 16 year old and right now it seems he is just a walking hormone!! One day he can't wait to move out here to be with his dad, the next day, he doesn't and wants to stay with his mom (because she buys him anything to keep him there)

And i am like you i want to chew him up one side and down the other, cause his dad can't handle the up's and down's of what he wants to do with his life...so who knows what will happen.

Sorry i wasn't much help, but i would see if you could set up some sort of agreement that while he lives with you, he will have a job and he will pay rent, heck i would still even have him on a curfew(if he has one) your house your rules. If he doesn't like them, he can move out.

2dBride · March 2012

I agree with Donna that your FH should take the lead in discussions with his son.

As far as college goes, you might want to take the approach we did with our son (also smart but a serious underachiever in high school). First, we told him that since he was not going to be in college after high school graduation, he needed to find a job. We then told him that if he ever decided he wanted to go to college, he was going to have to enroll part-time in the local community college. We would assist with tuition only if he got at least a B average.

Son spent a year working and not going to school at all. He then started part-time at the local community college. First semester, he had a straight-A average. Second semester, he went full-time at the community college, and again had a straight-A average. Over the summer, he elected to continue going full-time to the community college, so that he could qualify as a transfer student at the next college he went to. And again he had a straight-A average. He then transferred to Rochester Institute of Technology as a sophomore. After a year there, he qualified for the honors program. He only ever got two Bs in college, and both were outside of his major--all the rest of his grades were As. And he ended up getting a prestigious award from RIT for his combination of grades and community service.

Some kids are late bloomers. This approach allowed ours to prove to us that he had the capability for college, in spite of his dire high school grades.

Sue-n-Kevin · March 2012

Wow, I feel your pain. But Donna's advice is fabulous, and 2ndBride's story inspiring.

Lucky for me, I have 2 kids who are achievers. However, I am in your boat as far as the step-kids go. My husband's daughter struggled to finish HS, wanted to drop out because she was never a good student, and she was 8 months pregnant when she graduated. We had a joint baby shower/graduation party.

That was 2 years ago. Last summer we married, and Kevin lives here now. Due to the housing market, and a still-unmotivated daughter, now with a baby, she has lived in his house for free while he pays a mortgage. This January I heard him moaning in our bedroom, ran up there, and thought he was having a heart attack. Then he tells me she is pregnant AGAIN. Different baby daddy. (we also found later she also lied about how far along she was, so any discussion with her would only be the possibility of adoption or keeping the baby). Kevin is a wonderful daddy, but not a great parent. He is manipulat-able, if that is a word. He and I both agreed maybe I could talk some sense into her, since I also raised 2 children alone, albeit they were born 7 years apart and I didn't have my children until I was over 30. I know how difficult this is, and how impossible it would be to do with two children, 2 years apart, with nothing but a HS diploma.

In spite of the fact that Kevin and I prepped for the discussion, it did not go well. My knowledge of the difficulties she faces has no bearing on how she sees her life. The fact that she did NOTHING to improve her life for the 19 months since the birth of her first child is, unfortunately, a major issue in my mind. As much as I deal with the public, am fairly well spoken and a compassionate but firm parent, it was impossible for me to communicate with her. She has an unmotivated mother who lives 400 miles away, and while I have tried to be a good role model in the 4 years I've known her, tried to befriend her, she is her own person and I cannot change her self perception. Michigan has just passed a law with a limit of 4 years of welfare FOR LIFE ..........she has another 3 years to figure it out, get married, or make something of her life. She will be 19 years old with 2 daughters, two years apart.

My message is this: while you are the only maternal role model in his life, we cannot change the direction of a life already lived without our presence. I talked to my boss about this situation with my stepdaughter. My boss is a very wise woman who also raised her child alone and later married a man with children. She said "you must understand that in this picture, your spouse will ALWAYS side with his child. Always.". I agree with this and actually had to deal with it with my daughter's dad, who was not nice to my son (not his child). He's been gone for 12 years, I chose my child.

Kevin and I have made our peace with how this is going, however we don't have the issue you do, where your step son lives with you. In your situation, I would allow your fiance to handle the discussions. You and he can talk often, and should, about how you both perceive the best options, then let him deal with his son. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to not pitch in your two cents when talking to your step son. I think counseling would probably be a VERY good idea. If your stepson won't go, then you two go and get some insight into how to handle this between the two of you.

I would also recommend involving the school's counselors in giving some advice or information about your step son's strengths, if there are any. Your fiance's discussions with his son should be something along the lines that living anywhere requires an income of some type when you are an adult, and rent is not free. You state he has a job, so when he graduates, there will be rent. Even unmotivated teens have some interests, whether they are music, art, sports, or people. The fact he thought about joining the Marines means he has some sort of interest in improving his lot in life. My husband Kevin was the only one of his brothers (he has 3) who did not go to college. He joined the Air Force in 1974 when he was 20 and spent 22 years in the service. For him, this was the answer. It gave him opportunities he would not have had otherwise to see the world, become the person he was meant to be.

I will be thinking of you and please come and share your frustrations with us whenever you want. Many of us have been, or are, in your shoes.

Good luck.

Marrin713 · March 2012

Wow Sue....major stress on you two.

My son (who will be 30 on Monday) went back to college last year. Late bloomer, underachiever, Peter Pan Syndrome.....you name it, he's it. It's just been in the last year or so he's been starting to get it together. Don't mean to alarm OP with that, but it is what it is. Hopefully OP, you and FI can make some inroads with the kid.

Lisa50 · March 2012

Hmmm ... as much as none of us would like to admit it, this could be anyone's son. I'm not so sure your issues are because he is a stepson, per se. This is one of those dealing with a man-child who is making some bad choices times in a parent's life. It is not easy, could be rocky and honestly, there is little you can do about it besides be supportive of your FI's decisions. Heck, at least he's talking about charging him rent. That's a big step for a parent.

The other ladies have given great info and I agree with all of it, EXCEPT pushing him to go into the Marines. Forget that. Yuck! It's just not realistic to push a young man (or woman) into the USMC. There is a reason Marines are "the few, the proud." It's not a branch of service, nor mentality, for everyone. I cannot speak to the other branches of the service. But that's my $0.02 on the Marines (my brother and nephew were Marines, BTW).

Back to YOU ... I understand that it is stressful to have all of this looming as the wedding comes closer. I feel for you. (((HUGS))) My DH and I had tremendous non-relationship stress that just piled on the year prior to the wedding. In this regard, I hope you can huddle together with your FI and get all of this stuff out. I wish you the opportunity to vent ... get it all off your chest ... with him.

Hang in there, hon! Keep singing that little song in your head. Oh yeah, and plan lunch or dinner with a good friend. Dream girly thoughts. Wear your wedding shoes around the house when doing laundry. Keep your eye on the prize -- marriage to the man of your dreams.

I wish you all the best!

stevesbride2012 · March 2012

You should never have a negative attitude towards your step kids.I am sorrybut you are really wrong for saying anything about your FI son.Not cool

right1thistime · March 2012

As a bio mom (not a step mother), I have considered the military for my own son. When my DH mentioned it, I was livid, and furious and hurt. How could he consider sending my baby off to be in the line of fire and risk his life?

There is a difference. Walk softly.

Becoming a step-mom is stressful!

Re: Becoming a step-mom is stressful!

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