What's Your Opinion?

stinkerbell6879 · July 2010

So I was reading this article (http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=24830951) and it got me thinking... Do you think that if you have lived with someone you can avoid some of these early marriage issues? Like the fights of how the house is run, who cooks, who cleans, etc..? I remember when I was younger I NEVER thought I would live with someone BEFORE marriage and now... I am very PRO live together! Even thou I respect those who do not for religious reasons, I think in the end you get thru these hurdles a have a better start of staying together.IMO.

So... Your thoughts...

vegasgroom · July 2010

My FI kept her apartment until we were engaged even though she was pretty much at my place every day for four or five months before getting engaged. I think until you're engaged you should keep separate residences, even if one person rarely or never stays in theirs, because then there's no pressure to prolong the inevitable if you really don't think the person is the one for your long term future; i.e. this isn't working out, I'm going back to my place instead of this isn't working out but how am I going to find a new place to live and move all my stuff, etc.. I was guilty of this myself many years ago in college; bad relationship but neither one of us wanted to move out of the apartment we were sharing for about six months at the time, so we wasted six or eight months additional disliking each other simply because we didn't have our own places to make splitting up easier.

I do think it's good to 'live' together though before getting engaged, people can be completely different in the comfort of home and there may be serious issues there that are far better worked out before wedded bliss, or lack thereof. :-)

Sloane99 · July 2010

I am the same as you, I used to be very against living together or making long-term commitments (buying a house, etc) before a formal engagement of some sort. Now though, I think unless there's a religious reason that it's very important to live together prior to marriage.

Besides all the little things to negotiate and figure out as a couple there's also issues with seeing each other at your best and worst and really experiencing what day to day life is like with the other person.

This was an interesting article though, I liked the comments about re-telling of the how you met story and how that can really indicate a lot of things about where a couple is at. Also the contempt/resentment building is just a cancer in relationships I think - I know both of these things were very reminiscent to me of my first marriage.

amandajean36 · July 2010

I would never marry someone without living with them first. FI has many annoying habits, some of which I've been able to 're-train'. And I know I can also be a pain in the @ss to live with. I'm glad we've gotten adjusted to each other before the wedding.

stinkerbell6879 · July 2010

See I have lived with an Ex-FI before and so when I meet DH i was against the whole live together things just because I went thru the messy break-up and thought to myself NEVER again. But.... DH and I lived an hour 1/2 away from each other so I was spending weekends with him anyways, so after a year and 1/2 I finally gave in under the condition that Marriage was on the table and that we were on the same page.

Kristina1003 · July 2010

I am pro living together pre marriage. H and I lived together for about 3.5 years before we got married and it really sorted out a lot of issues that I would hate to have as a newly wed. I am an only child so for me it came down to sharing space. I had had roommates before, but sharing a room, closet, bathroom, etc was all new for me so I had a really hard time with it at first. It caused some arguments between us, mostly because I couldn't voice to him that I just needed some "me" time, I felt bad for feeling that way and I just didn't want to say anything to him. He was also in kind of the same boat where he was the oldest child and never really had to share anything with his siblings because they were so much younger than he was, so living together really worked out for us in the long run. I totally give people kudos who do not live together pre-marriage though, it's hard to not give in to what seems to be the norm now (I don't know if it really is nationwide, I do know in my area though it is very common).

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

I've always held that becoming intimate, moving in together, and getting married are three very big steps, and that it's best to take them one at a time. Piling everything together just adds unneeded stress to the relationship. People who think that living together will somehow make the marriage less special tend to have an overly romanticised view of marriage in general, which doesn't hold up very well when faced with reality.

I've always taken issue with the arguments that couples who never fight are somehow "avoiding conflict" and repressing their problems and whatnot. DH and I have never had an out-and-out argument, but we know how to disagree and to work through any issues without getting emotional or taking things personally.

ebonyivory10 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_whats-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:6097cae1-15c2-4aae-8057-985632f5548dPost:dc261195-6dd8-4dde-baea-ef11a1a82ada">Re: What's Your Opinion?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've always held that becoming intimate, moving in together, and getting married are three very big steps, and that it's best to take them one at a time. Piling everything together just adds unneeded stress to the relationship. <strong>People who think that living together will somehow make the marriage less special tend to have an overly romanticised view of marriage in general, which doesn't hold up very well when faced with reality.</strong> I've always taken issue with the arguments that couples who never fight are somehow "avoiding conflict" and repressing their problems and whatnot. DH and I have never had an out-and-out argument, but we know how to disagree and to work through any issues without getting emotional or taking things personally.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
I agree with this whole statement, the bolded part in particular.

I am pro living together once you're serious because I believe you do need that time to get to know each other's idiosyncrasies and get to know what'll be like to share space. Sharing space, sharing finances, sharing life issues ... I couldn't imagine trying to figure all of that out after being married.

Sloane99 · July 2010

Oh and I also agree that the "we never fight" couples are a tad ridiculous. I'm not saying every couple has to have all-out brawls - although really I've seen some couples that do seem to function quite well with these but ones that don't disagree are either:
a) lying
b) not actually being true to themselves in a relationship
c) destined for a major reality check

or possibly all of the above

[Deleted User] · July 2010

My BF and I are both very religious, therefore we will not be living together until we are married. I think it's a personal choice that should be made by each individual couple. What works for one couple doesn't necessarily work for another. In my family, it seems that living together before marriage just doesn't work...my grandparents were married for 53 years before grandpa died and my parents have been married for 38 years - neither couple lived together before marriage. On the other hand, 5 of my cousins and my brother (there are 8 of us cousins total and only 2 of us have never been married) all lived with their spouses before marriage - all 6 of those marriages have ended in divorce. But that's just my family.

BF & I are "older" (I'm almost 36 and he's 41) and we've both been on our own for quite some time, but we communicate very well. We've had many talks about marriage and such and we know that there probably will be some disagreements on how things should be done, but we also know that we'll deal with them as they arise and communicate to work them out. We have had a few arguments, but they've never lasted very long because we feel very strongly about getting everything out in the open and getting it resolved immediately (well, ok, after we've both had a chance to "cool off" and think before we speak type thing

. I really feel that each time we've had an argument, our relationship has gotten even stronger.

Again, I really think it's what will work for each couple and communication is definitely key.

dvohnout · July 2010

HH and I lived together before marriage. We were house hunting right around the time he proposed.

I think there is an adjustment period when moving in together. Mine was a balance between alone time and together time. As for finances, ours still aren't combined. I don't think they will be until maybe when we have kids. I have my account, and he has his. We have 1 joint account that we both contribute to in order to pay bills. It just works for us this way...

stinkerbell6879 · July 2010

@AngieD&JoeD - Question... Do you think they ended because of their lack of communication that they may have had whether or not they lived together or the fact they lived together first? As in they skipped over the learning to communicate and went straight for the physical aspect of their relationship?

[Deleted User] · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_whats-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:91Discussion:6097cae1-15c2-4aae-8057-985632f5548dPost:08cc1820-313f-4db3-8fd7-b200cb7709a1">Re: What's Your Opinion?</a>:
[QUOTE]@AngieD&JoeD - Question... Do you think they ended because of their lack of communication that they may have had whether or not they lived together or the fact they lived together first? As in they skipped over the learning to communicate and went straight for the physical aspect of their relationship?
Posted by stinkerbell6879[/QUOTE]

I'd say it's about half and half probably, at least in my family. One of my cousins lived with her ex for 7 years before they got married, so I'm not sure it was the communication for them. As for my brother, they moved in together after dating for only a few months. They actually get along better now that they're divorced, go figure

stinkerbell6879 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_nevada-las-vegas_whats-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:91Discussion:6097cae1-15c2-4aae-8057-985632f5548dPost:c5825486-d676-4d72-aa79-e2c970b614ca">Re: What's Your Opinion?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What's Your Opinion? : I'd say it's about half and half probably, at least in my family. One of my cousins lived with her ex for 7 years before they got married, so I'm not sure it was the communication for them. As for my brother, they moved in together after dating for only a few months. They actually get along better now that they're divorced, go figure
Posted by AngieD&JoeD[/QUOTE]
Ah! Ok....I agree it can be case by case issue. Since like you said one had 7yrs. and the other a few months.

Olivea12 · July 2010

DH and I essentially have essentially lived together since we were 19. I stayed in his dorm room throughout my sophmore year of college, and that following summer we got our first apartment. I do think we were a bit young to have been living together so soon, but we also did the long distance thing for an entire year as well.

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

I think Angie is getting into non causa pro causa: correlation does not imply causation. When religion is a factor, you're introducing a social taboo that can override personal inclination. I know that my mom was unwilling to divorce my dad because she was raised Catholic, even though they were both miserable; my dad, who had converted as an adult to marry her and thus didn't have the anti-divorce taboo as strongly ingrained, was the one who finally left. Had it been up to my mom, they'd still be together and hating each other and everything else around them.

A long marriage does not imply a happy one. Not saying anything about any couples in particular, but there's a reason that the stereotype of the husband and wife who detest each other is so prevalent in comedy, even in an era where people are more free to leave if they are unhappy.

Dani910 · July 2010

I think it's smart to live together before marriage. You get to work out the kinks. FI and I really fit rather smoothly as a unit and I am glad living with him works so easily/naturally. I understand why some folks don't do it, but for US, living together first was great. I kinda feel like the next step isn't marriage, because nothing will change about our living siutation, but having kids is the actual next step.

I couldn't imagine living apart until marriage and thenmoving in and popping a kid out..I feel like it would be too much too soon for ME to handle.

EstherS37 · July 2010

I haven't read the article but I am on the side of choice.
However, I think there probably is an argument that people who don't live together beforehand are really going in it for the long haul because they are doing the full commitment at the start (my parents have been very happily married for 45yrs as have all my aunts/uncles - not fake happy, real happiness), but I don't know how successful this is nowadays as I don't know anyone that has done it in my generation!! In Scotland, we're very liberal!
I personally think that living together beforehand (like vegasgroom said) can actually prolong an unsuitable relationship. This is my 2nd marriage and I lived together with both FI's. The first time round we had become best friends. Now that I look back, it is obvious that we should not have gotten married but I think it was like we were on autopilot in a way, we'd been together for 6yrs (lived together for 5) and it was almost like we had to give marriage a shot. 5 months later I moved out and we had a very amicable separation & divorce. We didn't argue but we weren't intimate - would it have been a different relationship if we had not lived together beforehand, with all the joint stuff - I don't know.
This time I wasn't as bothered about getting married but the moment I had my son, that changed - FI wanted us to be an 'official' family and so did I. It is definitely not a romantic vision that I have but I know this time, as we have a child, there is no going through with it unless we're both 100% certain that we will work through all our issues in the future.
Sorry this is a long post - I do wonder if people who live together will forever have a 'get out clause' mentality in the back of their mind cos that's how their relationship started? Me included....

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