Torn between sides (HELP!)

jenniferb0409 · November 2012

Hello all,

I am completely torn between my fiance and my mother, and would appreicate some advice. We are young, getting married at 22 and 23 and my parents are paying for the wedding as we are just getting out of college this december, going into teaching (BAD Idea, especially in NY) with hardly any money to our name (my parents are well off).

My fiancé has a vision of our wedding in a open field, away from traffic, with a giant tree as our 'arch', which at first I was hesitant about, but am really seeing the beauty of his idea. My religious parents believe weddings should be held in a church, and my mother is refusing to even discuss this idea, planning an elaborate wedding in a fancy church. My first problem is I cannot decide between intimate and simple, or big and elaborate.

I am much more inclined to agree with my fiancé, it fits out personalities and are upbringing in the open country. But as my mother is paying I feel like I HAVE to go along with her.

Is there anyway to find a balance???

MrsGandthebeag · November 2012

With money often comes strings. If your mom is paying, she has a right to decided things. If this is something your really against (which I don't blame you for) you guys should wait to get married until you can afford it yourselves.

Jen4948 · November 2012

If you don't want your mother making all the decisions, then you need to pay for your wedding.

Lisa50 · November 2012

Have the wedding you and your fiance want, make it one the two of you can afford. Unless your mother is making a true gift of her financial support for the wedding (no strings attached, that is), she will have a say in your plans.

Which do you want? The wedding of your dreams or the one of her dreams?

MissHopeFull00 · November 2012

Have you ever tried to compromise with you mother and your future hubby? Perhaps, have it in the church, but keep the ceremony religious and intimate. Consider having the reception outdoors. Decorate the church to be reminiscent of your vision. Whatever.

While your parents are paying, it is your wedding. You both have a say, and you are probably going to be in each other's lives for a while. If you think the tension, wait until you have kids. Ask your parents what is most important to them and ask your fiancé the same. Don't think of it as "giving up" something you wanted. Think of it as being creative. If you go into it with a bad attitude, you’ll never be happy. Not many people are lucky enough to get everything they want be it because of budget, conflicting personalities or even just luck.

If you can't come to an agreement, wait on getting married. Save your money and have your no-compromise wedding when the time is right.

[Deleted User] · November 2012

Advantage of a church wedding is you won't have to worry about the weather. Even if you have a church wedding doesn't mean you can't do photos at a location like your fiance is talking about. Also there is no reason you can't keep your wedding intimate at a church. How intimate your wedding isn't determined by the location, it's really more by the amount of people you invite and have involved. You can have an intimate church wedding with less then 100 guests. But you can have an outdoor ceremony like your Fiance wants, but if you end up with 200+ guests, is it going to still be intimate?

TheVirginians · November 2012

Temper your visions with reality. Explore several possibilities. Have you started to look at sites yet? I suggest you and he make appointments to tour a variety of venues. Maybe you won't be able to find that tree and field. Maybe you'll like a church or country club or historic building. Call around, look around, see what's available in your price range and get some different ideas. Invite Mom to see a few too. DD, FSIL, and I (MOB) did the above and they chose a site we hadn't even considered initially. They just knew it when they saw it, invited us to see it, and all agreed easily.

renegade gaucho · November 2012

If you are grown-up enough to get married, you are grown-up enough to make your own decisions and pay for your own wedding, if necessary. Your fiance's wants trump your parents', and especially when it comes to religion, the two of you need to make your own choices and stick to them, even if it upsets mom and dad.

Given the circumstances, I think the best option here is to politely decline your parents' monetary contribution and postpone the wedding until you can pay for it yourselves. This will give you time to save up together and get yourselves on more stable financial ground for your life after the wedding, which is much more important in the long run than an expensive party. Also, I think you need to work on setting boundaries with your parents and becoming more independent from them.

monkeysip · November 2012

Please don't get married in a church unless you're religious and actually practice the beliefs of this church. It's terribly disrespectful otherwise.

If mom won't respect your beliefs, then pay for your own wedding! This is important... not just what type of linens you rent. Your ceremony should reflect you as a couple.

jenniferb0409 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_torn-between-sides-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:00e971cb-5dfb-46e0-bc17-bf9a68f0204aPost:9f1a2a4d-e85c-4680-b92b-058199ab4c07">Re: Torn between sides (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't want your mother making all the decisions, then you need to pay for your wedding.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

<div>I wouldnt mind...but we are not allowed to live together and we do not want to live seperately for 2 -3 more years (its already been 5)</div>

bethanys86 · November 2012

In Response to Re:Torn between sides HELP!:[QUOTE]I wouldnt mind...but we are not allowed to live together and we do not want to live seperately for 2 3 more years its already been 5 Posted by jenniferb0409[/QUOTE]

According to who? You are an adult. You decide where and who you live with. Are these rules of your parents or for religious reasons? You need to decide what's more important to you and your fiance, whether that involves waiting or getting married right away, and whether that means you live together or separate.

Lisa50 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_torn-between-sides-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:00e971cb-5dfb-46e0-bc17-bf9a68f0204aPost:6b0eae49-5a88-4058-8f68-dfa6b0c2d8ed">Re: Torn between sides (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Torn between sides (HELP!) : I wouldnt mind...but <font color="#0000FF"><strong>we are not allowed to live together</strong></font> and we do not want to live seperately for 2 -3 more years (its already been 5)
Posted by jenniferb0409[/QUOTE]

Whoa, Nellie! You have bigger challenges than the field, the tree and FMIL's money. Even if your religious (or other) beliefs make it impossible to live together before marriage, that is your CHOICE.

The phrase "we are not allowed to live together" is sending off all sorts of red flags. Why? Because it is so passive. Promise yourselves that TODAY, you will make a choice about your wedding plans with your fiance. The two of you can go to the courthouse tomorrow, pick up your license and get married before the weekend. What's stopping you??

renegade gaucho · November 2012

Yeah, I think you both need a little more time to gain some maturity before you get married. As a rule, it's not a good idea to get married before you're a completely autonomous adult. The more pressing issue is figuring out how you're going to support yourselves when you won't have mommy and daddy to pay for things. Both of you need to get stable jobs and be on solid ground as individuals before you think about getting married.

mcda04 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_torn-between-sides-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:00e971cb-5dfb-46e0-bc17-bf9a68f0204aPost:6b0eae49-5a88-4058-8f68-dfa6b0c2d8ed">Re: Torn between sides (HELP!)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Torn between sides (HELP!) : I wouldnt mind...but we are not allowed to live together and we do not want to live seperately for 2 -3 more years (its already been 5)
Posted by jenniferb0409[/QUOTE]

If your religion doesn't allow you to co-habitate then i assume you are practicing your religion and the issue is with your FI and not with mom or location, have a conversation with your FI about your faith and the opposition to marry in the church.

If your parents aren't "allowing" you to live with your FI then plan a small wedding you can afford and marry at the location he chooses. In my circle of friends / family, living with your bf/gf is not taken very well. I did it and they survived. I wish i would've waited and left my house as a married woman but we as adults make choices we have to work with.

G.L.

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