I'm so upset

csnyc727 · November 2010

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USER876 · November 2010

When did you ask her to be in your wedding? (how long ago)? Did she formally accept? How far are you along in the process? Does she have any financial commitment yet? (dress deposit)?

Try calling her on the phone (forget email)......and be blunt if she doens't call you back in a few days with your concerns. Ask her if you she would still like to be in your wedding in light her engagement.

Give her the out now, and yes if she bails, don't invite her.....

mariaNryan · November 2010

throughout this whole process of planning our wedding, I had a bridesmaid back out for her own reasons. I felt like I couldnt forgive her for that because her reasons werent acceptable because as a friend I wouldnt do that to her. I ultimatly asked my MOH not to invite her to my shower and or any other wedding events. She is not invited to our wedding either! Some people think its harsh to do this and others dont, Depends on the person! Now if your cousin backs out of your wedding because she is planning hers, I wouldnt invite her to my wedding either... Its ridic....

mbcdefg · November 2010

How can you know for sure that she is avoiding you because she's planning her own wedding? If you haven't spoken to her, then you can't say for sure that she's suddenly some huge Bridezilla. Maybe it's something else, or maybe she's just busy with her own (non-wedding-related) life.

What do you need to speak to her about? Does she have the information on the dress, and when/where she needs to be on the wedding day? That's all she technically needs to do for your wedding, so if she already has that information then there's really no reason why you absolutely need to get in touch with her right this minute.

Yes, it stinks if you just want to say hi and she's not responding, but sometimes people get busy. I've put off texts/voicemails/e-mails from friends just because I had something to do at the time and then I forgot to get back to them. Doesn't mean I disliked them or was obsessed with planning my wedding. Stuff happens.

I think you're really overreacting and jumping the gun here. Just because she hasn't responded to you doesn't automatically mean that she is ignoring your wedding in favor of her own, or that her relationship with you has taken a backseat to her 2012 wedding. Unless she specifically says, "I want to drop out," or "I'm mad at you," don't assume that she's avoiding you or wants to drop out of your wedding or that you should un-invite her to your wedding.

USER876 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_im-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:b14e7772-c439-496a-8d83-db54ffe37a62Post:b9af091a-6773-4a26-b558-372051af90fa">Re: I'm so upset</a>:
[QUOTE]How can you know for sure that she is avoiding you because she's planning her own wedding? If you haven't spoken to her, then you can't say for sure that she's suddenly some huge Bridezilla. Maybe it's something else, or maybe she's just busy with her own (non-wedding-related) life. What do you need to speak to her about? Does she have the information on the dress, and when/where she needs to be on the wedding day? That's all she technically needs to do for your wedding, so if she already has that information then there's really no reason why you absolutely need to get in touch with her right this minute. Yes, it stinks if you just want to say hi and she's not responding, but sometimes people get busy. I've put off texts/voicemails/e-mails from friends just because I had something to do at the time and then I forgot to get back to them. Doesn't mean I disliked them or was obsessed with planning my wedding. Stuff happens. I think you're really overreacting and jumping the gun here. Just because she hasn't responded to you doesn't automatically mean that she is ignoring your wedding in favor of her own, or that her relationship with you has taken a backseat to her 2012 wedding. Unless she specifically says, "I want to drop out," or "I'm mad at you," don't assume that she's avoiding you or wants to drop out of your wedding or that you should un-invite her to your wedding.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

OP said she has been trying to contact her for a couple of weeks. In my opinion, that is unacceptable, espeically if you have the type of relationship to be wedding party material.

mbcdefg · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_im-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:b14e7772-c439-496a-8d83-db54ffe37a62Post:d532ce2e-7fed-4351-824e-c5c13d22c264">Re: I'm so upset</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm so upset : OP said she has been trying to contact her for a couple of weeks. In my opinion, that is unacceptable, espeically if you have the type of relationship to be wedding party material.
Posted by USER876[/QUOTE]

But my point is that OP doesn't know WHY her cousin hasn't been returning her messages. It may not be as simple as, "My wedding is more important than yours so now I'm going to ignore you."

OP needs to find out what the problem is ... maybe the cousin is busy, maybe something bad happened, or who knows, maybe OP did something even accidentally to piss the cousin off. From what the original post says, it seems like OP is ready to write off the cousin without even finding out what the real problem is.

I also think it's really stupid to blow off a relationship, especially with a relative, over their role in a wedding. Would this be as big a deal, OP, if your cousin were not your bridesmaid? Woudl you drop her from your life if she was not your bridesmaid and was not returning your calls for a while?

mbcdefg · November 2010

How have you been contacting her? Phone calls, e-mails, Facebook, texts?

Is it possible to see her in person?

mbcdefg · November 2010

Sounds like it's nothing personal, then, if family members are telling you that she's changed since getting engaged.

The wedding is five months away. She has the information about the dress. If she wants to be in your wedding, she will get the dress and show up to the ceremony. And since her engagement is only a couple months fresh, maybe she will chill out a bit in the meantime and she'll be back to her normal self by the time your wedding rolls around.

I would just wait a while and see what happens with her at (and after) your wedding, before you make any decisions on whether or not to kick her out of your life.

If I had to guess, based on what you said ... perhaps since getting engaged, she's realizing how expensive throwing a wedding really is, and she's thinking about whether she can afford to spend the money to be in your wedding. I doubt it's a case of, "Well, now my wedding is more important than yours." It may just be reality smacking in the face now that she's researching the cost of a wedding.

Are you requiring the bridesmaids to pay for anything other than their dresses (pro hair and makeup, shoes, etc.)? Do you know if the other BMs are asking her for money for a shower or bachelorette party? Will she have to travel to get to all of these events (airfare and hotels add up)?

USER876 · November 2010

Sounds like a reasonable situation to be upset about to me.

LuvOB · November 2010

I am currently planning my wedding for 8/11 and I am a BM is my firend's wedding 5/11. I have been/be there for whatever she needs.

I get why you are upset. If she would tell you what was happening you can move on. If you need to find a replacement you can do so.

I am sure you would work out the financial stuff with her being that she is planning her own wedding. Like maybe covering her hair and make up as her BM gift.

I would think that she would use this time to discuss wedding planning with you. As my friend and I do. We meet up and discuss vendors, ideas, complaints, etc.

I think maybe you should leave her a message asking her if she still intends on being a BM. Tell her you are open to discuss any concerns she may have. Apologize, if you inadvertently did anything to upset her. Maybe even tell her "please call me so that I can move forward in my planning process". You have to know b/c if is she is in it you have to order a bouquet for her, have a groom's man, limo size.

If you can not go to her, by leaving an in depth message you know you covered all the bases. You leave the ball is in her court.

If she declines to be in your wedding, I would still invite her to it.

kasabby · November 2010

I had something similar happen to me with a BM-although it wasn't my cousin. I was this friend's MOH in her wedding two years ago. I asked her to be in my wedding 6 months ago and she said yes. Was really excited about it. Then we started planning dress shopping and she went MIA. She wouldn't return phone calls or emails. She finally emailed me (after me leaving a concerning message that she wasn't getting back to me and wanted to make sure that she was ok) and the email stated that she couldn't be in my wedding--mostly for financial reasons. I will admit, i was really hurt and angry but I don understand that it is for the best. Better to find out now then months down the road.

LADY324 · November 2010

I would definitely call her out on it and see why she has been avoiding you. Maybe something happened that pissed her off that you don't know about? Or maybe now she is freaking out because she has to save for her own wedding on top of being in yours? I know sometimes it's embarrassing to admit to someone that you can't afford to be in their wedding so maybe that is why she is trying to avoid you?

kindada81 · November 2010

Dont sweat it. Your wedding will be wonderful if she's in it or if she's not in it.

mbcdefg · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_im-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:b14e7772-c439-496a-8d83-db54ffe37a62Post:564b8230-6ef3-4fae-8053-837c082bcffb">Re: I'm so upset</a>:
[QUOTE]I am currently planning my wedding for 8/11 and I am a BM is my firend's wedding 5/11. I have been/be there for whatever she needs. I get why you are upset. If she would tell you what was happening you can move on. If you need to find a replacement you can do so. I am sure you would work out the financial stuff with her being that she is planning her own wedding. Like maybe covering her hair and make up as her BM gift. I would think that she would use this time to discuss wedding planning with you. As my friend and I do. We meet up and discuss vendors, ideas, complaints, etc. I think maybe you should leave her a message asking her if she still intends on being a BM. Tell her you are open to discuss any concerns she may have. Apologize, if you inadvertently did anything to upset her. Maybe even tell her "please call me so that I can move forward in my planning process". You have to know b/c if is she is in it you have to order a bouquet for her, have a groom's man, limo size. If you can not go to her, by leaving an in depth message you know you covered all the bases. You leave the ball is in her court. If she declines to be in your wedding, I would still invite her to it.
Posted by LuvOB[/QUOTE]

I agree with you about pretty much everything except the suggestion to find a replacement bridesmaid if the cousin drops out.

The sides don't need to be even. If there are fewer bridesmaids than groomsmen, then one bridesmaid can have two escorts. Or the last groomsman can walk alone. There is no reason why you HAVE to have even sides.

It's insulting to ask someone to be a bridesmaid to be a slot-filler, and it's insulting to the cousin if you replace her. Plus it sends the message to the other BMs that they are replaceable if they displease you or if they cannot be in your wedding for whatever reason. You don't ask someone to be in your wedding because you need even sides, you ask them because you love them. If someone wasn't good enough to make the BM cut the first time around, then it's a slap in the face to ask her 5 months out because you think you need a replacement.

I totally agree with the PPs who said that your wedding will be fine whether or not the cousin is a bridesmaid, and to the person who said that you should still invite her even if she decides not to be a BM.

ccandela · November 2010

I think what I find most upsetting is that you don't know where you stand. That's frustrating in and of itself, but when you're planning a wedding it's much worse -- and unnecessary. You don't need to wonder -- send her an email and leave her a voice message and tell her that considering the situation, you think it would be best if she no longer be a bridesmaid. It might not conform to wedding etiquette but who cares, it's *your* wedding and you don't need the added stress.

However, considering she's family, I'd still invite her -- at that point it's her choice. Whether she goes or not, it won't impact your planning so, all will be well

.

Good luck.

c

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