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The Great Debate (Private Ceremony)

megcmcbmegcmcb
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in Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
My Fiance` and I are disagreeing on our ceremony.

He prefers a private ceremony with our parents and brothers only. We both come from close families and I would love for my Aunts and Uncles to attend. Many of which are coming from out of state and I don't feel comfortable asking to only attend the reception.

We have agreed the ceremony can be family only, keeping it as private as possible and having an open reception. I have heard many differing opinions on this issue and am not sure it's the right choice.

I know he will never go for a big wedding but I feel like we're leaving out important people as part of our day. 
Is it rude to invite a larger group as part of cocktail hour, dinner and dancing? How can we compromise without offending people?
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Re: The Great Debate (Private Ceremony)

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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You are best keeping it to immediate family for the ceremony if everyone else isn't invited.  Is he uncomfortable in front of people?
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    If you want to invite more the reception than the ceremony, then you need to reduce your ceremony list to parents, siblings + spouses (< 20 people) only and be sure that your reception list is ~ 5x greater than your ceremony list.

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    itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Since you're asking for opinions, I will be honest with mine. I think private ceremonies with large receptions suck. If I'm important enough to be invited to your reception, I think I should be important enough to witness your ceremony.

    I have declined "reception only" invitations, and you may find some folks important to you may do the same.

    The more important thing is why your FI does not want to include your aunts and uncles (and presumably any friends the two of you have) at your ceremony but is OK with having them at the reception?
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_the-great-debate-private-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:eb9e67ba-9511-4d99-8121-7daa5056dffePost:5c784f6d-8093-43fd-9ad9-de4e18e18559">Re: The Great Debate (Private Ceremony)</a>:
    [QUOTE] The more important thing is why your FI does not want to include your aunts and uncles (and presumably any friends the two of you have) at your ceremony but is OK with having them at the reception?
    Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

    I can't speak for the OP, but I can answer as to why we did it.  We felt strongly that the wedding ceremony was a private affair and to be shared among those who the marriage would directly affect.  My parents were gaining a son; I was gaining new siblings; my sister was getting a brother in law, etc.  We wanted the ceremony to include those people - not his fourth cousins we only sees rarely or my parents' coworkers that I've never met.  I am, however, more than happy to share a drink and celebrate with those people.

    With that being said, I think your point of feeling left out and declining as such to be totally valid.  Going with a private wedding followed by a larger reception will ruffle feathers and anyone who decided to go that route should be prepared.  We were very understanding of people who declinded.

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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    For me and for a lot of people, the ceremony is the important part of the wedding day. I want to see my friends/family get married! My aunt and cousins and other people I'm close to would have been very hurt to not be invited to my ceremony, as I would be hurt to not be invited to theirs.

    IMHO, the concept that a marriage ceremony is a private thing is kind of silly to me, since the point of it is to be witnessed and the results (the marriage) goes on the public record. Of course, it comes down to your and your groom's feelings on the matter, but I would be finding out why exactly he wants a small ceremony and large reception. I think there's a way to compromise and have a small-ish wedding with everyone at both parts of the celebration.
    image
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    EADenverEADenver
    First Anniversary First Comment
    This is such a great discussion. Lots of wonderful opinions, which just proves: to each their own! Do what you and your FI want to do and make sure you're both comfortable with the decision. 

    For us, it was a small ceremony and a larger reception. We invited all out of town guests to a really nice Welcome Dinner (bigger than a normal rehearsal dinner) and also to a brunch the day after the wedding. And while we're inviting aunts and uncles to the ceremony, we're not inviting a lot of friends who will be joining us only for the reception.

    Good luck with your decision, don't worry, no matter what you'll enjoy it!
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    daizedoodaizedoo member
    First Comment
    edited October 2012
    I also prefer a private intimate ceremony with a large reception. I feel it's a private affair, and only those who truly know us and care to see us be wed should be present. This includes family and the best friends will be in the wedding party. I also don't want all eyes on me, and to add pressure on top of how nervous I anticipate I will be. As a guest in the past, I have felt uncomfortable watching two people I don't know get married.

    With that being said, I appreciated hearing the other side in opinions on how feelings could be hurt. That's definitely something that I did not consider and will think about. With that also being said, this is OUR day and we should have it the way we want, as best we can...not how everyone else wants or thinks it should be.
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    daizedoodaizedoo member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_the-great-debate-private-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:eb9e67ba-9511-4d99-8121-7daa5056dffePost:39d2b9c9-79bd-4555-ae96-4d9712a2e6da">Re: The Great Debate (Private Ceremony)</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is such a great discussion. Lots of wonderful opinions, which just proves: to each their own! Do what you and your FI want to do and make sure you're both comfortable with the decision.  For us, it was a small ceremony and a larger reception. We invited all out of town guests to a really nice Welcome Dinner (bigger than a normal rehearsal dinner) and also to a brunch the day after the wedding. And while we're inviting aunts and uncles to the ceremony, we're not inviting a lot of friends who will be joining us only for the reception. Good luck with your decision, don't worry, no matter what you'll enjoy it!
    Posted by EADenver[/QUOTE]

    Thanks for your post! Can I ask what your invitations looked like....and whether your ceremony and reception were on the same day/place?
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