Help with future in laws!!!!!

amberella.eves · March 2013

Ok, I have a future "step- brother in law: who is becoming a problem. At first he was just whining about the cost of the tux...so much so that his father paid for it for him. Anyways, he started dating a girl whom he never met across the country online. They just met this past weekend and didn't introduce us or anything to her when we came by his apartment, they stayed in his bedroom ( he lives with my other future brother in law). Apparently the girl is planning on coming up here this summer, same time as my wedding. I sent the invitations out already and his did not include a + guest. Is it rude for me to tell him to not bring her if indeed she is here the same time as my wedding? I feel that it is rude and you dont bring an aquaintance date to a wedding. We have a budget and are limited on space, yes it is only one person but this is a close friends and family only event and if he didnt even introduce us to begin with I feel like that is rude itself. I don't know what to do.

**a short backstory on this guy** He got married July 2011 and about 3 months later his wife left him for a woman, he is still technically married and has been bitter about our wedding since we announced it last June. He is really not fun to be around but I put up with him for the sake of my fiance since it is his step-brother and best friend.

erinlin25 · March 2013

Technically if you already sent the invite you do not have to go back and add a +1, but since he is family and they do consider themselves in "a relationship," then you shouldn't judge it and just let him bring her. Who is paying for the wedding and what is your FI opinion? Is FBIL a groomsman?

Angelface225 · March 2013

I would invite her. Its not really your place to decide how serious their relationship is and it may cause some drama to not invite her.

I can understand why he may not have wanted to introduce her, especially if it was their first "in person" meeting. Intros to family can be very intimidating and they probably already had enough nerves over meeting each other for the first time. Also, regarding the end of his marriage, try to be a little more understanding! That would knock the wind out of anyone IMHO.

katienjeff · March 2013

I would invite her anyway. Because the amount of money saved by not inviting her is really not worth the drama, IMO.
Relationship statuses change throughout the course of a wedding- two of my BM are now single since I started planning. (Thank goodness invites weren't sent out, one we found out was a heroin user and alot of my coworkers that I work with are coming- which to top it all off, we're a residential substance abuse facility. I would prefer not to have that type of scenario on my wedding day, it's supposed to be fun, not about that kind of thing. Anyway-for the better, I never liked Aaron anyway.)
So basicially, who even knows if they'll be together by then anyway, it might not even be worth your while to worry about. And in the meantime, you don't have to deal with the drama.

And also, to his credit- it might seem like he's being a pain in the butt, but he's been through several stressful events- first off a divorce is bad enough. The fact that his wife left him for another woman is kind of de-masculating. If you can be sympathetic, it's at least worth a shot, if not for your FBIL but for the sake of your fiance.

artbyallie · March 2013

Why is it such a problem for you to invite her? One of my mom's cousins met her husband online. Sure, we teased her that he was going to turn out to be an axe murderer, but they've been married over ten years and are about to have their third child.

He's in a relationship. Don't initiate a lifelong grudge from him by refusing to invite her.

Daizy106 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:92ddd52c-0091-4e5c-9f89-fec0467ced6e">Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I have a future "step- brother in law: who is becoming a problem. At first he was just whining about the cost of the tux...so much so that his father paid for it for him. Anyways, he started dating a girl whom he never met across the country online. They just met this past weekend and didn't introduce us or anything to her when we came by his apartment, they stayed in his bedroom ( he lives with my other future brother in law). Apparently the girl is planning on coming up here this summer, same time as my wedding. I sent the invitations out already and his did not include a + guest. Is it rude for me to tell him to not bring her if indeed she is here the same time as my wedding? I feel that it is rude and you dont bring an aquaintance date to a wedding. We have a budget and are limited on space, yes it is only one person but this is a close friends and family only event and if he didnt even introduce us to begin with I feel like that is rude itself. I don't know what to do. **a short backstory on this guy** He got married July 2011 and about 3 months later his wife left him for a woman, he is still technically married and has been bitter about our wedding since we announced it last June. He is really not fun to be around but I put up with him for the sake of my fiance since it is his step-brother and best friend.
Posted by amberella.eves[/QUOTE]

Its YOUR wedding. I understand completely that you are on a budget and wouldn't want some random person you haven't met at your wedding. Since you already sent out invitations, I would leave it alone. If it should come up, meaning if he calls and asks you and makes a comment or asks to bring her-its your decision. I am curious-how does your FI feel about it?

Weezy56 · March 2013

I would invite her.

Sierra524 · March 2013

If they are in a relationship come time of your wedding, you really should let her come. If your FBIL is really bitter about it, maybe having her at the wedding will help him enjoy it more?

CALEO · March 2013

When is your wedding? When did you send out invites?

Angelface225 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:730e90e9-cf1c-4a4e-9d89-2af39eb66482">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help with future in laws!!!!! : <strong> Its YOUR wedding</strong>. I understand completely that you are on a budget and wouldn't want some random person you haven't met at your wedding. Since you already sent out invitations, I would leave it alone. If it should come up, meaning if he calls and asks you and makes a comment or asks to bring her-its your decision. I am curious-how does your FI feel about it?
Posted by Daizy106[/QUOTE]

Just a heads up, this is not a popular attitude around here. Mostly because that sentence usually preceeds agreeing with something ridiculous and inconvenient to the guests.

If you want to be taken seriously, you may want to find another way to get your message across.

B2Z728 · March 2013

When were invitations sent out and when is your wedding?

I think you should invite her if they consider themselves a couple as your wedding gets closer. It's not up to you determine the seriousness of their relationship.

Viczaesar · March 2013

Your wedding is June 1. It's way too early for you to have already sent out invitations! Invitations go out 6-8 weeks before the wedding.

Knottie_22382102 · March 2013

Invite her.

FlaNYtattoogirl · March 2013

Don't invite her, and stand firm when asked if she could come. That will certainly win you over with your In Laws!! It's going to be worth the drama, right? It's YOUR pretty princess day!!

NYCMercedes · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:a3d06f47-602b-45c3-ada8-a55080e872ce">Re:Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Invite her. She's an SO and should be invited no matter what anyway, but especially since it's your FI's BROTHER. This is the kind of thing ends relationships and it's not worth that, I promise.

Also, why on EARTH did you send out invitations more than 4 MONTHS before your wedding. They should be going out middle of next month.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

So she can add in the B list.

KerisaHarman21 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:b49bf078-ed5a-4bb6-a29a-5dedd6049148">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Your wedding is June 1. It's way too early for you to have already sent out invitations! Invitations go out 6-8 weeks before the wedding.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

She didn't say when her wedding was, but I do agree if your wedding is in June or the summer months as you indicated, I would just invite her, you don't even know if perhaps they will be together during your wedding or not, you don't have to send her an invitation just let her know she is invited as a +1, it's a lot easier to avoid the drama and invite her!

amberella.eves · March 2013

I did send out my invites a tad early 10 weeks but I had to for catering issues. As well as my wedding being a destination wedding for my family they all live in florida My fiance and I are paying for everything ourselves. I had cut him some slack since he had been through his crappy marriage but he kept running back to his obvious lesbian and life sucking wife and still wondering why he felt like crap. My fiance agrees that it was rude, but is letting me make the call. He is just as fed up with his whining.

amberella.eves · March 2013

Im not dissing the meeting online thing. I met my fiance online as well. Our 7 year anniversary is two days before the wedding. :

artbyallie · March 2013

I'm not buying that your caterer legitimately needs solid number so far in advance that you sent out invitations at 10+ weeks away. What are they going to do, plant the freaking potatoes? Raise chickens from eggs?

ETA: And this is a dig at them, not you. I would call BS if any caterer told me they need exact numbers more than 1-2 weeks out from the event.

Dchacha413 · March 2013

I would just invite her, you never know how far their relationship may go, but then again it could end before the wedding. Play it by ear and see how it goes.

My wedding is June 9 and I sent my invites out at the three month mark mainly because my venue wants a final head count in early May, so I asked that the RSVP please be returned by May 1st. I don't think its a HUGE deal.

amberella.eves · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:73a10e10-b7bf-4b8f-b7c3-60f9aeaa5774">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just invite her, you never know how far their relationship may go, but then again it could end before the wedding. Play it by ear and see how it goes. My wedding is June 9 and I sent my invites out at the three month mark mainly because my venue wants a final head count in early May, so I asked that the RSVP please be returned by May 1st. I don't think its a HUGE deal.
Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>My RSVP is also by May 1st, my caterers food was really good and relatively cheap compared to other places and I wanted to get her booked so I just am doing whatever she says. Yeah, its weird and questionable but as long as she shows up with my food I dont care lol.
Anyways, if I did decide on inviting this girl where would I seat her? She wouldnt know anyone except FBIL, since we havent even met. It is mostly going to be my Fiances family since most of mine probably wont come. </div>

Dchacha413 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:b018ef08-0eb6-4c1a-8113-d4a303a3befd">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help with future in laws!!!!! : My RSVP is also by May 1st, my caterers food was really good and relatively cheap compared to other places and I wanted to get her booked so I just am doing whatever she says. Yeah, its weird and questionable but as long as she shows up with my food I dont care lol. Anyways, if I did decide on inviting this girl where would I seat her? She wouldnt know anyone except FBIL, since we havent even met. It is mostly going to be my Fiances family since most of mine probably wont come.
Posted by amberella.eves[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You would HAVE to seat them together, I'm not sure if you're having a head table (that was my issue) I wanted it to just be FI, myself and the bridal party, I really didn't even think about dates. I was so annoyed they were going to have to sit at the head table, like people I didn't know, I just ditched the idea and FI and I are having a sweetheart table and the bridal party and their dates will be sitting together. It's really rude to separate dates.

</div>

FlaNYtattoogirl · March 2013

You do realize that you aren't shackled to your seats at a wedding, right? Even if you end up not sitting together, you can switch seats around and also talk to each other during the event, unless the bride and groom have strict orders that each table is to stay seated at all times and only talk to other people that are at the same table. You might think it's rude, but in the end once you're at a party, what are you gonna do? Let it ruin your night? People who complain about these things let every little thing bother them in life.

artbyallie · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:c4cbcce2-f378-4723-91a7-fbd5e51e1a43">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]You do realize that you aren't shackled to your seats at a wedding, right? Even if you end up not sitting together, you can switch seats around and also talk to each other during the event, unless the bride and groom have strict orders that each table is to stay seated at all times and only talk to other people that are at the same table. You might think it's rude, but in the end once you're at a party, what are you gonna do? Let it ruin your night? People who complain about these things let every little thing bother them in life.
Posted by FlaNYtattoogirl[/QUOTE]

<div>If you're saying it's okay to seat people away from their dates, you are very, very wrong. Just because people do it doesn't make it good etiquette.</div>

amberella.eves · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:2d4cd289-534d-491b-87a3-46d76584a8d3">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help with future in laws!!!!! : You would HAVE to seat them together, I'm not sure if you're having a head table (that was my issue) I wanted it to just be FI, myself and the bridal party, I really didn't even think about dates. I was so annoyed they were going to have to sit at the head table, like people I didn't know, I just ditched the idea and FI and I are having a sweetheart table and the bridal party and their dates will be sitting together. It's really rude to separate dates.
Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Exactly, we are having a head table and only the wedding party is sitting there. Nobody else has a date and there are going to be 8 people there. I am an extremely picky person and OCD when it comes to numbers and things like that so there would be no way at all ever that she would be sitting at the head table. I think that is just ridiculous. I want to be able to talk to my bridesmaids without being half way across the room away from where I want to be. Which is why inviting her in the first place is the problem. Yeah, it would be nice for her to be there for his sake, but its not about him, I am not renting extra tables, tablecloths, table skirts, etc and spending even more money because of that. </div>

amberella.eves · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:c4cbcce2-f378-4723-91a7-fbd5e51e1a43">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]You do realize that you aren't shackled to your seats at a wedding, right? Even if you end up not sitting together, you can switch seats around and also talk to each other during the event, unless the bride and groom have strict orders that each table is to stay seated at all times and only talk to other people that are at the same table. You might think it's rude, but in the end once you're at a party, what are you gonna do? Let it ruin your night? People who complain about these things let every little thing bother them in life.
Posted by FlaNYtattoogirl[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>yes, I know that..but nobody is going to come up to the head table and sit down if someone left for a second. </div>

Dchacha413 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:4d929a28-37ab-4bac-9302-678f424cbb82">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help with future in laws!!!!! : Exactly, we are having a head table and only the wedding party is sitting there. Nobody else has a date and there are going to be 8 people there. I am an extremely picky person and OCD when it comes to numbers and things like that so there would be no way at all ever that she would be sitting at the head table. I think that is just ridiculous. I want to be able to talk to my bridesmaids without being half way across the room away from where I want to be. Which is why inviting her in the first place is the problem. Yeah, it would be nice for her to be there for his sake, but its not about him, I am not renting extra tables, tablecloths, table skirts, etc and spending even more money because of that.
Posted by amberella.eves[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I get it, trust me. I didn't even think it was a huge deal until I read about it on here. My thing was some of my bridal party have "flavors of the week/month" and there was no way I was having these people in my head table photos when in 10 years I wouldn't remember their names lol. You may want to scrap the idea of a head table or face the fact that she will have to be up there.</div><div>
</div><div>One solution, maybe you should reach out to her yourself and try to get to know her. You may actually like her and these problems will go away on their own.

</div>

amberella.eves · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:cc77fab2-897a-4359-86d2-a738a09eb60d">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help with future in laws!!!!! : I get it, trust me. I didn't even think it was a huge deal until I read about it on here. My thing was some of my bridal party have "flavors of the week/month" and there was no way I was having these people in my head table photos when in 10 years I wouldn't remember their names lol. You may want to scrap the idea of a head table or face the fact that she will have to be up there. One solution, maybe you should reach out to her yourself and try to get to know her. You may actually like her and these problems will go away on their own.
Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]

<div>Once again, exactly. He has been through tons of different women and is still married, but thinks she is the "new one" or whatever. idk. I always over think everything anyways and stress is there. I almost feel ridiculous with this post now. </div>

Dchacha413 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:b1e4a342-3ed0-40f3-9a10-ef15972d3171">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help with future in laws!!!!! : Once again, exactly. He has been through tons of different women and is still married, but thinks she is the "new one" or whatever. idk. I always over think everything anyways and stress is there. I almost feel ridiculous with this post now.
Posted by amberella.eves[/QUOTE]

<div>Lol it happens, its so easy to get caught up in things that wont matter in a year, just relax it will work one way or another! Good luck!!</div>

amberella.eves · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_help-with-future-in-laws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:c8e264fc-6919-4784-8feb-d5c5784665a8Post:bac7a699-1543-4e9f-8522-f0a00f035bd8">Re: Help with future in laws!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help with future in laws!!!!! : Lol it happens, its so easy to get caught up in things that wont matter in a year, just relax it will work one way or another! Good luck!!
Posted by Dchacha413[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>thanks!! :D</div>

Martha&Jake · March 2013

Two summers ago my cousin got married. I met my fiance online and at the time of my cousins wedding, we had just started dating. Some of my family had met my (now) fiance, but not my cousin. I didn't even ask and made him stay at home while I attended the wedding. First i didn't want make my cousin feel like he had to say yes and i didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I especially didn't want to make my new guy uncomfortable. My Fiance completely understood. Now that I'm getting married, I know that i made the right choice by not taking him. This day is about you and your Fiance, not about the family meeting your FBIL's girlfriend. I would hope he had enough sense to not take her. I would feel the same as you and would not want to to be in attendance. If she had any couth, she will understand why she is not invited.

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