Mother of the bride dress

nancyburkebeck · April 2012

This weekend I shopped for my older daughter's wedding dress, along with her sister, who is a bridesmaid, and with her maid of honor. We found the wedding dress she wanted almost immediately and she seemed happy when we bought it. Today we went shopping for the bridesmaid dresses, sans the maid of honor who had to travel back to where she lives.. My younger daughter acted as though I don't really know what's tasteful, and I felt like I was totally in the way. She then suggested that I let my hair go back to being gray instead of brown with blonde highlights to match my age (55 years). Next, both daughters suggested I wear something brown or gray, and picked out a dowdy brown dress for me. I will weat it because it's what is wanted by the bride and I want my daughter to be happy.

I'm really trying hard to be stoic about things, but I'm sitting here crying because I really feel like I'm only there to write the check. I could use any advice anyone has.

strlzfan11 · April 2012

It's not the bride's place to dictate what you wear unless she is paying for it. You should pick out a dress that makes you feel beautiful.

Tell her how you feel, because if the wedding planning is starting out like this, it's only going to get worse as the wedding gets closer. Stand your ground. If you're paying for the wedding you get some input into how the money is being spent. Give your daughter some guidelines and tell her she needs to stick to them or you'll rescind the offer to pay.

lyndausvi · April 2012

I'm so sorry your daughters treated you like that. That's horrible.

Within reason I say wear what ever color you want. I would stay away from the white family and maybe the some color as the BM. Pick something that will coordinate with BM in something that makes you feel good.

ETA - An the hair request is just ridiculous. I would not even entertain the thought of growing out my gray hair for my kids

Viczaesar · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-the-bride-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6f008ad9-a691-4649-8a05-48433dd68c7bPost:26a1098b-4b8b-4ffe-b35a-aae658c3fba1">Re: Mother of the bride dress</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not the bride's place to dictate what you wear unless she is paying for it. You should pick out a dress that makes you feel beautiful. Tell her how you feel, because if the wedding planning is starting out like this, it's only going to get worse as the wedding gets closer. Stand your ground. If you're paying for the wedding you get some input into how the money is being spent. Give your daughter some guidelines and tell her she needs to stick to them or you'll rescind the offer to pay.
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]
I agree with this. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, OP. You should never feel like you have to wear something you feel unattractive in order to make someone else happy.

MyUserName1 · April 2012

I'd wear fuschia if I were you.

Telling the MOB what dress to wear is serious bridezilla territory.

HockeyFan4 · April 2012

I am really sorry you are upset. I think you need to sit down with your daughter (the bride) and let her know how you are feeling. She might not have realized how you were feeling.

As for your younger daughter, the BM, it sounds like she is really young...and needs be retaught some manners.

HockeyFan4 · April 2012

just to add..... my mother and I shopped a hell of a lot more for her dress than mine...and she ended up finding a brown gown that she looked stunning in. Initially she was hesitant because in my two brothers' weddings she had "shut up and wore beige"...but really when she saw herself in the gown she felt beautiful...you need to feel beautiful too!

MrsMeganL2012 · April 2012

I would never tell my mom what she has to wear to the wedding. That's absurd. Moms can be hip and "with it" and don't need to wear dowdy clothes. Go buy what makes YOU feel beautiful. You'll be captured in lots of pictures too and don't want to be unhappy with what you wore.

pretty17 · April 2012

Hey I agree with most. brown is auful dont do it .... you need to wear what makes you feel lovely you are the next most important women that day!!! so feel great talk. To the bride and get her under control.
55 is young you should not have gray hair. Color it whatever you like ! I do and I won't be gray untill my seventy's. I also have a daughter getting married in 48 days. good luck enjoy and be true to your self. This is our time to !!!

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

aw, now I want to hug you! I'm sorry your daughters treated you that way. It makes me nervous that my sister and I may have accidently done this to my mom over something else and it breaks my heart. I want to go call her!

You deserve to wear whatever makes you feel beautiful.

gailpete · April 2012

Your daughter does not get to dictate what you wear or what color your hair is. Stand your ground and pick a dress you feel beautiful in. Tell her if she doesn't like it she can pay for her own wedding and your dress.

I'm sorry your girls are being so thoughtless. Make sure you let them know how you feel. If the bride insists that it is "her day", tell her it is also her day to pay for.

Meghannsix · April 2012

I am so sorry that happened to you! My mom keeps asking me what I want her to wear, and I keep assuring her to just pick something that she feels good in that makes her feel amazing. I told her that as the "glam-mother" of the maid of awesome and the best dude (the names my kids have given themselves) she has to be ready to make an appearance. And the hair thing? Completely ridiculous. Are they so insecure about themselves that they have to bring you down too? Strut your stuff mom!

misssunshine17 · April 2012

Ditto all PPs. You should stand up for yourself, Mom! It is not okay for your daughter to be treating you this for.

And for the record, my 85 year grandmother says she'll never be gray, and neither will I. That comment was beyond rude, especially to the person for is financing the wedding.

Grits8812 · April 2012

That's crappy that they are treating you like that, I'm sorry

As for what you will wear, your daughter can't tell you what you have to wear unless she is going to pay for it. Otherwise you can wear anything you want. If you don't like it, take it back and go to your favorite clothing store and pick out something that you like.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

Yes - just like everyone else has said, I thinkyou need to stand up for yourself and wear a dress YOU want to wear.

As for your hair - I've suggested that my mom let herself go grey because I think it would look good on her. It had nothing to do with the wedding, it was just a general suggestion. I don't think that your daughter meant anything by it - but for the rest she has acted rather bratty.

katehar01 · April 2012

That behavior sounds pretty ungrateful and childish. To give your daughters the benefit of the doubt, maybe they thought you'd want some guidance? And frankly, choosing a dowdy MOB gown at most bridal shops is almost impossible NOT to do. Maybe mention to them that you agreed to the dress to make them happy, but you've thought it over and you'd like to look elsewhere for a gown YOU feel good in. I suggest a department store rather than a bridal shop.

COSmitty · April 2012

I had to convince my FMIL to get a nice colorful dress that she would like. My MOB will be rocking a formal wonderful more out there dress than our BMs- I love it on her. It'll be a show stopper and I can't wait.

Regardless of if you are paying or if your daughter is... find a dress that makes you feel good. Get your hair dyed purple for all it matters (though I think brown is more becoming myself).

Wear things and do your accessorizing in a way that compliments the wedding colors if you can (simply to make photos cohesive) but regardless dress in a way you enjoy.

redheadfsu · April 2012

I'm so sorry your daughters are being dumb. You are their mother, they need to be more respectful. The hair comment was beyond rude.

Pick out whatever you want (just stay away from white and the color of the BM dresses). You need to feel beautiful!

And if you are paying for the wedding, you get the final say. So tell your daughter the rules - That she needs to respect you and your opinions as you are paying.

SparrowSong · April 2012

Wear what you want with these restrictions: avoid something white or ivory, something the exact same color as the bridesmaids, or something overly attention-seeking (no clevage down to there...). But otherwise you should be able to pick a tasteful, pretty dress on your own without the bride's approval of it. And do your hair however you want. They were way out of line on that suggestion.

If your daughters argue with you any further, send them here. We'll set them straight.

Meegles4 · April 2012

Never in a million years would I have asked my mother to let her hair go gray...and she is older than you. Age has nothing to do with it, it's how you feel. Even if I thought gray hair would look better on her, I would not say that while dress shopping for her MOB dress for my wedding.

Your daughters lack tact and proper decorum. You should choose a dress you want to wear and also wear your hair however the heck you want it.

SVPW · April 2012

: my mom is turning 50 this year and I would never dream of treating her this way. She takes very good care of herself and is HOT. I hope to look as good as she does when I am 50. I told her I wanted her to look like the hot mom that she is at my wedding, which she will in a very appropriate yet flattering dress. I'm sorry your daughters are making you feel this way. I would let them know how their comments hurt you.

nancyburkebeck · April 2012

Thanks everyone for your nice comments and suggestions! I feel much better now, and I will have a chat with my kids.

kmmssg · May 2012

Another MOB here. Do your girls act like this often, or is this something you haven't seen before? Glad you are going to chat with them.

I'm 52 and my girls would never dream of telling me to let the gray out of the closet and "look my age." Um, nope - I plan on fighting that battle all the way.

You need to choose what will make YOU feel wonderful on your DD's wedding day. She gets no say in the color or style. It's all you and you go find something you can rock out!

dupp0002 · May 2012

That's terrible! I did ask my mom to show me any dresses she was considering but in the end the one she bought was purchased and done before I ever saw it. It's conservative (mocha with gold accents) but won't conflict with my sangria/champagne theme, will fit in well and she feels beautiful in it.

It's the MOB's day too!

Mother of the bride dress

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