Bachleor Party and Strippers

Blondie512 · December 2012

Frist please let me say that i 100% trust my fiance. hes never done anything to make me not trust him.

But i do not want him to have strippers at his party. Hes says with all his friends everyones who ever gotten married has had them. But i am not comfortable with him having some woman almost naked dancing on him. But even after i tell him this he still instits on having strippers just as a fun night out. He says bachleor partys should be unlike other nights and he cant just go to bar ( and he hates sports and poker).

I just dont know what to do. Anyone have any advice whos gone thru this? And please dont come back with " then you must not trust him" or "you must be insecure" because those are not true, i just dont want some other strange woman giving my man a lap dance. Any real advice out there?

Thanks!

AddieCake · December 2012

I personally don't have a problem with strippers, but I think if you have expressed to him that it makes your uncomfortable, he should respect your wishes. There ARE other things he can do for his party. How did you approach it? Did you tell him how uncomfortable it makes you, or did you tell him he couldn't have them?

Blondie512 · December 2012

Weve been going back and forth with this for months now. When i first brought it up apparently i surprised him because he assumed i woulndt care. Ive told him tons of times that it makes me uncomfortable. I dont think i ever said no you cannot have strippers, but its possible in the heat of the moment it may of came out. I just dont understand why hes being so stupid about this. i would never have strippers at my party, nor would i do anything that makes him that uncomfotable.

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachleor-party-and-strippers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5962f81b-8975-45d5-925b-f8e5deba2113Post:c364e51b-bbdc-404c-9a11-49db9624c666">Re: Bachleor Party and Strippers</a>:
[QUOTE]Weve been going back and forth with this for months now. When i first brought it up apparently i surprised him because he assumed i woulndt care. Ive told him tons of times that it makes me uncomfortable. I dont think i ever said no you cannot have strippers, but its possible in the heat of the moment it may of came out. I just dont understand why hes being so stupid about this. i would never have strippers at my party, <strong>nor would i do anything that makes him that uncomfotable.</strong>
Posted by Blondie512[/QUOTE]

The same obviously can't be said for him. That's your real issue, not strippers or lap dances.

AddieCake · December 2012

If you've been bickering about it for months, I am inclined to believe he is going with or without your consent. Either that, or he is going to resent you for not "allowing" him to go. Don't get me wrong; I'm not advocating for it, and like I said before, he really should respect your wishes, and as Ziti pointed out, THAT now becomes the real issue. But I suspect you are not going to call off your wedding over this if he insists on going, so you are still stuck with what to do about the strip club.

Liatris' suggestion is a nice compromise. However, be aware that even though he agrees to those terms, it does not necessarily mean he will abide by them, especially with all the friends there, and the Devil-may-care attitude some people get when they are out partying.

Just in case a little reassurance would make you feel better and decide to let this go, In college, I worked at a club next door to a strip club. Both were owned by the same person, and we all clocked in on the strip club side and were all friends with each other. So I have spent plenty of time in strip clubs and had friends who were strippers, and I can assure you NOTHING will happen at the club. If your man decides to go out after they leave there and do something, well, that's gonna happen with or without strippers if that's the kind of guy he is. You say you trust him completely, so let's assume he won't.

MyNameIsNot · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachleor-party-and-strippers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5962f81b-8975-45d5-925b-f8e5deba2113Post:c364e51b-bbdc-404c-9a11-49db9624c666">Re: Bachleor Party and Strippers</a>:
[QUOTE]Weve been going back and forth with this for months now. When i first brought it up apparently i surprised him because he assumed i woulndt care. Ive told him tons of times that it makes me uncomfortable. I dont think i ever said no you cannot have strippers, but its possible in the heat of the moment it may of came out. <strong>I just dont understand why hes being so stupid about this</strong>. i would never have strippers at my party, nor would i do anything that makes him that uncomfotable.
Posted by Blondie512[/QUOTE]

<div>You don't have a stripper problem. You have a relationship problem. </div><div>
</div><div>Your FI doesn't respect your opinion, and you don't respect his. He disregards that you feel uncomfortable, and you resort to "he's being stupid" when he doesn't bow to your will. You need to learn how to communicate and compromise, rather than trying to force your way on each other. There's no simple fix that someone on the internet can give you, and this is not limited to just his b-party. </div>

aquari0216 · December 2012

So I think Fi will have strippers and just lie about it.....oh and if he does...is it gonna affect your next morning? Week? Month? Year?....hell what are your plans...why don't you get you some scrippers?

coopsbaby · December 2012

Now I don't have a problem with strippers at bach parties, and I know fi will be going to a strip club in Vegas for his and I really don't mind. I do however respect the fact that it bothers some women, and that's okay. What's not okay is that your fi doesn't respect the fact that it bothers you.

My fi is really looking forward to his. All of his friends do the Vegas stripclub bach party, and it's finally his turn so of course he's excited. But if I didn't want him to do that he wouldn't. He made sure I didn't mind before he told his friends it was okay. Your fi isn't putting your feelings first which is a really bad way to start out the marriage.

I think you need to have a calm discussion with him and see where you both stand on the issue. I'm guessing it's been a lot of arguing and not a lot of talking. Good luck.

banana468 · December 2012

My Name Is Not summed it up.   You think "he's being stupid" because he's not doing what you ask and he thinks it's silly that you don't get that this is a tradition for his group.

The larger issue is that neither of you are communicating with each other.   You're putting up walls.

I have to say, you DO have an issue with strippers if you don't want him to have them.   That may be the large issue on his side. If anyone begins a sentence with, "I have no issue with X but if you do X it will p!ss me off," makes it sound like you're contradicting yourself.    Why do you think you have no issue with them unless it's with your FI?

Viczaesar · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachleor-party-and-strippers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5962f81b-8975-45d5-925b-f8e5deba2113Post:ea876eb4-1e11-47f4-827c-f4e43b4bbd8b">Re:Bachleor Party and Strippers</a>:
[QUOTE]So I think Fi will have strippers and just lie about it.....oh and if he does...is it gonna affect your next morning? Week? Month? Year?....hell what are your plans...why don't you get you some scrippers?
Posted by aquari0216[/QUOTE]
I have no idea what you're trying to say. Punctuation, capitalization, and actual words are designed to help you (general you) communicate well with other people, fyi.

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachleor-party-and-strippers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5962f81b-8975-45d5-925b-f8e5deba2113Post:2950a10f-80ff-4137-9300-05cff451aefb">Re: Bachleor Party and Strippers</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually sympathize with OP. I would talk to him and let him know how you feel about the idea of him looking upon another woman and having sexual thoughts.<strong> </strong>Let him know how you feel. This is his "last hurrah" as a single man. Is it really fitting for him to spend it with women whose intent is to create lustful thoughts?
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

Did you read anything the OP wrote at all? She's done this. <u>He doesn't care</u>.

And seriously, her intent is to create lustful thoughts? Please. Her intent is to separate him and every man who walks into that strip club from as much of their money as possible.

32daisies · December 2012

To each their own. Some people here have stated that they don't have a problem with their FH getting a stripper at their bachelor party, and I trust they truly mean that. If I thought my FI even wanted strippers at his bachelor party, I wouldn't be marrying him. And I truly mean that. That's what I mean when I say, to each their own. Each relationship has its own boundaries and its own definitions. You can make it whatever you want, but you have to make it something real. If you're okay with strippers, say so and mean it. Don't say it's okay but resent it. If you're not okay with strippers, say so and mean that. Don't say it's not okay but "let it go". It's just my $0.02, but that's how respect starts, by each person being true to themselves.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

Ok, lets shelve the issue of approval of the profession of stripping, and the idea that going to a stripclub is unfaithful aside (there are vastly different views of these things, and all deserve equal respect).

This is not a conversation of the above, but rather of your communication with your fiance. It speaks VOLUMES that he is so set on engaging in an activity that brings you so much unhappiness, despite the shallow and brief nature of said activity. This activity has the same emotional involvement of an action movie for entertainment value. Your immobile stance, and his immobile stance bolth don't make any sense for the relationship when viewed that way. Your inability to compromise on both fronts is not a good sign.

I personally am completely against strippers, both for myself and for my husband. Sexuality is sacred for us, and should not be cheapened by some random scantily clad person who doesn't care if we live or die in the next hour, just so long as we stuff 10 dollars in their g string. We both discussed it, and agreed that it is creepers, and we both didn't like the thought of the other participating.

BUT, if my husband had REALLY wanted a stripper for his bachelor party, I would have sat down with him and outlined with him what would have deeply hurt me, and what I could live with eventually learning he did that night. Lap dances would have been straight out, and I trust him to have kaboshed it if I had asked.

:Luckily, this was all a moot issue, because I had talked to my fiance at length about out personal life, and he knew how hurt I would have been. He kaboshed radom naked strangers at his party, as did I at mine. Equal exchange, equal treatment, equality all around. Communication, compromise, and equality, that's what marriage is about.

zitiqueen · December 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachleor-party-and-strippers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5962f81b-8975-45d5-925b-f8e5deba2113Post:dfe77295-041e-4c5c-ad1b-a4796f160873">Re: Bachleor Party and Strippers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachleor Party and Strippers : A woman dancing in nothing but a thong who does not create lustful thoughts is doing a bad job of making money.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

Again, reading comprehension -- do you have it?

I never said she wasn't creating "lustful thoughts." I said that creating lustful thoughts isn't the intent of any stripper. Their intent is strictly monetary. Strippers don't start stripping because they want men to think impure thoughts about them or because they want to break up marriages; they start stripping because they want to make money.

Stripping is a business, pumpkin. You really think strippers give two sh!ts about who is tucking the dollar bill into their g-string or his wife or his kids? No, because it's not her job to give two sh!its about the man, his wife, or his kids.</div>

s-aries8990 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachleor-party-and-strippers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5962f81b-8975-45d5-925b-f8e5deba2113Post:73349cd4-e160-4a30-a9ae-ec414dc04c50">Re:Bachleor Party and Strippers</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no issues with strippers. I have been to strip clubs, H has been to them, we have gone to them togeth<strong>er. However, the problem here isn't strippers. It's that you two have vastly different ideas and values about something. The fact that this something is of a sexual nature makes it even more difficult. You aren't wrong or silly for not wanting him to not have strippers, he is not wrong or stupid for wanting them either. However, if you BOTH feel so strongly about it that neither of you is willing to compromise to spare the other's feelings, you have a major compatibility problem and I would recommend some counseling to talk through it.</strong> Personally, if I had an issue with strippers, I would not marry someone who greatly enjoyed them just like if I'm not into bondage I wouldn't marry someone who was. It's about compatible tastes. I'm not saying you need to call off the wedding necessarily, but I would take this issue seriously and take some time to try and really work through it. I worked in an adult shop for many years, and seeing male customers coming in regularly and blowing tons of cash on porn, then hiding it from their wives made me realize that is no way to live...for either party.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Ditto Stage. This requires more than a passing conversation.

Dreamergirl8812 · December 2012

The main thing is that there's a HUGE difference between strip clubs and renting a stripper. My friend got a (male) stripper for her bachelorette party and he was trying to have sex with us for $20 extra. I can just imagine what women will do for money. But in a club it's pretty PG. I live in San Diego and strippers can't take anything off if they give a lap dance and there is absolutely no touching.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent. He should respect your wishes. But, the worse case scenerio is that he tells you he's not going to a strip club and then his friends take him anyway. He can only protest for so long.

lauralaur · December 2012

I think H thought there would be strippers at his bachelor party, though he wasn't dead-set on them, I think he just thought they were a normal part of the party. The best way for me to get him to see my side of the story was to ask him how he would feel if a muscley greased-up dude in a thong started dancing all over me. If he got strippers then I got strippers. He didn't like that thought and suddenly started to understand my discomfort. His BIL was actually more upset with me about it than he was.

Your request is not unreasonable and if he's unable to respect it that makes me nervous. He's putting his friends' expectations for his party over your comfort.

ashleyy00 · December 2012

I agree with everyone who's encouraging you to look past the strippers. Like others have said, the strippers are the tip of the iceberg of your lack of communication.

sewdrs10 · December 2012

i don't understand why people say last outing as a "single man" because everyone knows they don't consider them actually single and that they could do whatever they want the whole time they are together...... i think he should take your feelings into consideration!!! My FI has not said he wanted them but he friends talk about it but i don't want him to have them either but the thing is he had a fit when i said i was going to a male one....so we will have to have a chat about it.....what's good for the goose is good for the gander

sewdrs10 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachleor-party-and-strippers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5962f81b-8975-45d5-925b-f8e5deba2113Post:88bbc7ef-ccb1-4b0b-82d4-1e99026d693e">Re: Bachleor Party and Strippers</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI has not said he wanted them but he friends talk about it but i don't want him to have them either but the thing is he had a fit when i said i was going to a male one.. That would be a problem for most of us here, too. Any guy who thinks it's okay to do something, but forbids his wife to do it, needs a wake-up call. Don't sit still for that one.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>yes we are def going to have to talk about it i'm just waiting because it's still going to be a while before the parties so i'm not going to make a big deal out of it right now (well it may not be a big deal but just in case) </div>

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachleor-party-and-strippers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5962f81b-8975-45d5-925b-f8e5deba2113Post:88bbc7ef-ccb1-4b0b-82d4-1e99026d693e">Re: Bachleor Party and Strippers</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI has not said he wanted them but he friends talk about it but i don't want him to have them either but the thing is he had a fit when i said i was going to a male one.. That would be a problem for most of us here, too. <strong>Any guy who thinks it's okay to do something, but forbids his wife to do it, needs a wake-up call.</strong> Don't sit still for that one.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I disagree -- the guy isn't the one who needs the wake-up call, the wife is.

sewdrs10 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachleor-party-and-strippers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5962f81b-8975-45d5-925b-f8e5deba2113Post:49d67723-00ca-4aa0-89b6-ac2b5b9f5aa3">Re: Bachleor Party and Strippers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachleor Party and Strippers : Yes, but what's good for the gander is also good for the goose. Why would you tell him you were going to have strippers if YOU didn't want him to have them? I don't see anything he's done so far as hypocritical, but I think your behavior was. H's friends talked about strippers for months leading up to the B party. H didn't want one, had no intention of staying if they brought one in, and that made them talk about it MORE. If HE hasn't mentioned it, then I don't understand why you're already convinced he wants strippers.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>i only made the comment because him and his friends kept going on and on about it..... i'm sure just trying to get a rise out of me...i really don't want to even have a bachleorette party my friends want to do something but i doubt it'll be a big party.... when your the only woman around 5 guys you kinda have to say something to make them shut their mouths

</div>

haychard · December 2012

I am in the same boat. They make me feel uncomfortable. Plus, being in Canada, there are no panties they are completely naked. My FI and I have had this discussion but he never lies or tries to hide it from me. Anyways, my solution to this upcoming problem will be to have my bachelorette party on the exact night he has his bachelor party. This way I won't be sitting at home thinking about what is going on but rather I will be focused on having fun. PLUS, my brothers are grooms men and they will be going too so he might have some strippers but he will be on his best behaviour.

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