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New York-Hudson Valley

Guest list issue help (kind of long)

Hey ladies,  There have been many family issues my fiance and I have faced since we got engaged in May.  But by far the biggest and most difficult issue has been the guest list.  We are VERY fortunate that my parents are paying for our wedding (and that his parents contributed some money as well -- at the very beginning they gave us x amount of dollars, and said that they'll lay out more money later and help pay for the a couple other things, but now that it's coming time to put their money where their mouth is, they're staying quiet and saying "we'll see"). My parents have given my future in-laws the number of people they can invite and said that any number over that they will have to cover themselves.  Now, to me, and most other people I talk to, this makes perfect sense.  However, after realizing that I was able to get the catering costs down, my fiance is asking that my parents revisit the number of people his parents are allowed to invite.  Ordinarily I would give my parents a hard time and ask them to reconsider the number. BUT his parents are refusing to help pay for ANYTHING.  We've asked them to contribute to one of the following: the rabbi's fees, the kippot, benchers, bathroom baskets, gift bags for over night guests, etc and they have refused.  So in my parents and my eyes,  it is unfair for us to be footing the bill for practically everything and then to pay even more so that more of their friends can come. All I really want is for everyone to get along.  It seems that our parents have lost sight of what this wedding really is, and getting wrapped up in all the petty BS that comes along with wedding planning. How can I try to make my fiance and his parents see that we're not being crazy?

Re: Guest list issue help (kind of long)

  • edited December 2011
    Honestly I'd just tell your FI and his family (actually I think he should be telling his family) that you two are really lucky that your parents are paying and that anything the two of you can do to help keeps those costs down is a huge help to them.

    Included in that is not increasing the # of guests at the wedding.  

    No one should be going back asking for more, just because the catering costs came in cheaper.
  • edited December 2011
    those that pay get the final say. if your parents are paying for the reception, they get final say on the guest list. so if they told your FI's parents they have X number of guests, they have X number of guests, and that's it.

    on a side note, it was extremely rude of you to go to your FI's family and basically tell them "pick one of these to pay for". it is your FI's parents money, and you have no right to tell them how to spend it. if they don't want to contribute, they don't have to.
  • probablykateprobablykate member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Are these people that your FI wants at the wedding, or is it just that his parents want them?  I think you and your FI should decide who you want at the wedding--working within the number/dollar guideline from your parents since they're paying. 

    If the number of people you want to invite is above the number your parents are comfortable paying for, then the two of you should figure out who to cut.  (giving more consideration to who your parents want at the wedding since they are the ones shelling out for it).

    Then he explains it to his parents.  I think the wording that Bat937 suggested is good.
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  • jmhines47jmhines47 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I never asked them to pay for anything. They offered on their own. It was entirely their decision.  As I said earlier, I am extremely lucky that they have given us what they have.  However, if they didn't want to pay for the additional things, they should never have offered.  After an offer has been laid out and accepted it's unfair to take away money that was promised.
  • Riss91Riss91 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    If you're parents are covering the cost of the wedding, they have more say in the details. If your fiance's family wants to add family members, and your parents cannot pick up the additional tab, then you and your fiance should pay the difference. You should NEVER ask for money for YOUR wedding. It is completely rude. Accepting someone's gifts gracefully is wonderful, but don't instigate.

    If you don't want to deal with money coming between the family, then you and your fiance should be paying for it. And it is your responsiblitiy to mediate and not pin your parents against each other. You should find out from your parents what they are able to do, and then communicate to your future in-laws "X,Y,Z is in the budget". If your in-laws require something different, simply let them know that there isn't enough money for that. Let THEM come to you and offer additional money. Your future in-laws should not be privy to all of the financial information - that's between you and your parents. The less info you share, the better.

    Finally, just because your parents are saving some money in one area does NOT mean that everyone else is entitled to make up the difference with "add-ons". It's your parents' money. If they spend less on something, it's their prerogative what they want to spend those savings on. And I bet there will be MANY things that come up along the way where the extra money will come in handy.

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_guest-list-issue-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:113Discussion:924ad357-d9cc-487f-9e0a-70c288f85335Post:d66787d6-53e8-47c0-917c-c3dcef27288a">Re: Guest list issue help (kind of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never asked them to pay for anything. They offered on their own. It was entirely their decision.  As I said earlier, I am extremely lucky that they have given us what they have.  However, if they didn't want to pay for the additional things, they should never have offered.  After an offer has been laid out and accepted it's unfair to take away money that was promised.
    Posted by jmhines47[/QUOTE]

    <div>[quote]<span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span"> We've asked them to contribute to one of the following: the rabbi's fees, the kippot, benchers, bathroom baskets, gift bags for over night guests, etc and they have refused. [/quote]</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">how is that not asking? i would refuse too if you were my child and said that to me. you are right that you are lucky they gave you any money. if they want to contribute more, they will do so on their own, without you giving them of a list of things they can feel free to pay for. you have no idea what their financial situation is. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">your FI's family is wrong with the guest list issue. if your parents are paying, they get the say. even more than you do honestly as it's their money and they get to decide how it's spent. just because they allocated x amount to cover the cost and it's come in below that does't give you or them the right to spend that "extra" money elsewhere. if it's cheaper, good for them.  </span></div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_guest-list-issue-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:113Discussion:924ad357-d9cc-487f-9e0a-70c288f85335Post:d290d25e-d1e2-4c6e-aab9-c7a72f4097d9">Guest list issue help (kind of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE] We are VERY fortunate that my parents are paying for our wedding (and that his parents contributed some money as well -- at the very beginning they gave us x amount of dollars, and said that they'll lay out more money later and help pay for the a couple other things, but now that it's coming time to put their money where their mouth is, they're staying quiet and saying "we'll see"). My parents have given my future in-laws the number of people they can invite and said that any number over that they will have to cover themselves.  Now, to me, and most other people I talk to, this makes perfect sense.  Posted by jmhines47[/QUOTE]

    IMO, I don't feel she is asking for anything, that wasn't already oferred. This was the agreement from the beginning. The couple is trying to budget based on what the parents agreed-very understandable to me. I know plenty of couples who have been given a similar plan. Bride's parents will pay for up to a certain amount of guests for each side and if  Groom's parents decide to add more, they would cover the cost. Also, if Groom's parents agreed to pay for something- I think it is ok to throw out ideas of what they can help with- if they offered to help in the 1st place.
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  • jeanna85jeanna85 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In regards to whether the money was promised or not, maybe their financial situation has changed since they offered ad they can no longer afford it. I also would not give them a list of things that they could put money toward. Honestly, maybe they refused because they didnt think bathroom baskets or OOT bags were important enough to spend money on. I would leave it alone. If they change their mind and do offer more money, ask them what they would like the money to go toward, don't give a list of demands. Even if you meant it to be helpful, it may not have come off that way.

    In terms of the guestlist, gently say that you won't be able to accomodate any more of their guests unless they are willing to pay for them. It's not just the catering costs but extra invitations, OOT/welcome bags, menu cards, escort cards, programs, etc. that will have cost increases.  Even if the catering fee is lower,  more guests invited still equals much more money.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_guest-list-issue-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:113Discussion:924ad357-d9cc-487f-9e0a-70c288f85335Post:a6d3cb16-38b5-4236-8c76-4f6ea9aa8ece">Re: Guest list issue help (kind of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In regards to whether the money was promised or not, maybe their financial situation has changed since they offered ad they can no longer afford it. I also would not give them a list of things that they could put money toward. Honestly, maybe they refused because they didnt think bathroom baskets or OOT bags were important enough to spend money on. I would leave it alone. If they change their mind and do offer more money, ask them what they would like the money to go toward, don't give a list of demands. Even if you meant it to be helpful, it may not have come off that way. Posted by jeanna85[/QUOTE]


    I didn't look at it that way, but after reading your post- those are very good points.
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  • kristinanddankristinanddan member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_guest-list-issue-kind-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:113Discussion:924ad357-d9cc-487f-9e0a-70c288f85335Post:d66787d6-53e8-47c0-917c-c3dcef27288a">Re: Guest list issue help (kind of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never asked them to pay for anything. They offered on their own. It was entirely their decision.  As I said earlier, I am extremely lucky that they have given us what they have. <strong> However, if they didn't want to pay for the additional things, they should never have offered.  After an offer has been laid out and accepted it's unfair to take away money that was promised.</strong>
    Posted by jmhines47[/QUOTE]

    I think this is very immature, no offense. You don't know what has changed in their financial situation since the initial offer, and it isn't any of your business. It is incredibly common advice on here to plan the wedding you can with the money you have or has already been given to you - you cannot count on "promised" money.

    Of course, if your ILs want to invite everyone they've ever met - that isn't acceptable either. They should be given a number, and need to work within that number. Of course since it is your wedding, it would be very kind of you and your FI to offer to pay for anyone above that number, provided it isn't for totally random folks, but you don't have to.
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  • edited December 2011
    Hi! I just want to state two quick things re: the guest count.

    As everyone has said, don't count on promised money. Because it may not be there when you need it. If your parents gave your in-laws a set number, and stated that any number over that, they'd have to cover, can you be certain that they'd come up with the money when it was time?

    And, as far as the "extra" people - how many is it? I'm being serious here. If your parents said (for example) 30 and your inlaws want 31, then I don't see a problem asking your parents if your inlaws can invite 31. They may allow them that. However, if your inlaws want to now invite 51 people that's a different story.

    Good luck!
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