His friends....

Re: His friends....

• em01092 member

  

  January 2012

  It's great you don't care about even sides! Props to you for realizing that it's ok. A lot of brides get all worked up about that for no reason. 

  
  

  As for his friends, I think they're just being dudes. I mean, yeah, it stinks that they don't seem to want to get to know you, but what can you do? As long as they are not physically or verbally abusive towards you, then they really aren't doing anything wrong. You don't have to be BFFs with his friends. Are your girlfriends buddy buddy with him? 

  
  

  Have you guys ever hung out together at all? Maybe suggest that you throw a super bowl or play off game party. Get some beer and wings, invite some of your single gals, and I bet that would entice them to come over. It's worth a shot. 

  April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Bio-Updated 4/22**

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• mbcdefg member

  

  January 2012

  Well, are they being flat-out rude to you, or is the issue that they just don't want to be buddies with you?
  
  Sometimes people don't want to be your friend. It's a fact of life. If these guys aren't nasty to you and always treat you with respect, then that's all you can ask for. I have a girlfriend that was in our wedding ... MH likes her, he's always polite and kind to her, but we're all never really hung out. Their personalities are way too different and they have absolutely nothing in common. She and I go out on our own a few times a month. And that's fine.
  
  Why do you feel that they judge/dislike you? Have they actually said or done something nasty to you? Have they told your FI that he shouldn't be dating/marrying you? If so, then your REAL issue is that your FI is allowing his friends to treat you like shiit, and that's unacceptable.
   
  But if you're just self-conscious because they're not including you as One of the Gang, then let it go. Being pissy that they don't also say hi to you when on a phone call with your FI is just making a mountain out of a molehill. Let it go if your definition of "they're not supportive of our relationship" only equals, "They don't want to be pals with me!" You don't have to be best friends with all of your FI's friends, and vice versa. As long as you are all polite to each other, that's what matters.
  
  But have a serious talk with your FI if "not supportive" actually equates to them speaking badly about you to your FI.

  

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• graysquirrel member

  

  January 2012

  I sort of know how you feel. My H has friends that I don't really know and we don't spend much time together. Neither side has made a ton of effort to get to know each other. One of his good friends in particular rubs me the wrong way a lot of the time. I wasn't exactly thrilled that he was playing a role in our wedding, but in the end he is my H's friend and it was really important to him to have his buddy there. Since we've gotten married I have gotten to know this guy a little better and things are not so bad. But sometimes friend groups never mix between the couple even if you want it to.
  
  I would say that unless these guys are blatantly rude or are constantly saying bad things about you or your relationship, it is probably better to just keep quiet about it. In weddings the bride picks her side and the groom his, and that is pretty much just the way it is. You wont have to interact with these guys very much anyway and maybe it will give you an opportunity to get to know them better.

  

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• Simply Fated member

  

  January 2012

  Sometimes guys don't really care who their friend is dating, so long as she doesn't keep him chained up in the basement. They've shown no signs of not supporting your relationship, based on your post, unless your basing it on the fact that they didn't yell out, "hi, Amanda!" while their friend was on the phone with you. That doesn't mean they don't like you, that just means they don't know you and are probably thinking, "dude get off the phone." You say that they want it to be guys only, and even acknowledge that other girls won't be present. What exactly are you expecting? They're his friends, not yours. As long as they aren't rude to you or mean to you, then I don't see the big deal.

  
  

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• beckyboo27

  

  January 2012

  I had a similar situation when I started dating my fiance.  None of his friends liked me, they wouldn't even acknowledge me at group functions, no matter how nice to them I was.  A few of them even told my fiance (then boyfriend) that I was just with him for his money. (He had no money, so I have no idea where they got that from.)  It took them almost 6 years to finally warm up to me after they realized I wasn't going anywhere and I loved my fiance for him. Now, they actually make an effort to be nice to me. I don't know if it's just to please him, but it's been pleasant ever since.
  
  As long as your fiance's friends are respectful to you, they don't have to be your friends. 

  

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• calliopeia2013 member

  

  January 2012 edited January 2012

  I feel like I need more information, I think, like PPs, about whether they've actually done anything rude/hurtful, or not.  I completely sympathize with your concern that you don't want to have people standing up for you that aren't 100% supportive of your marriage.  But there's also a certain amount of compromise that goes into wedding planning, and this sounds like something that's important to your FI.

  
  

  I don't know...I only had one person who I specifically asked my FI not to include in the wedding party...at first my FI was weirded out that I was so insistant...and then the "friend" at issue actually did some things that were very disrespectful to me (encouraging my FI to lie to me, etc) and my FI realized that he wasn't a very good friend and kinda ended things with him anyway.

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• AmandaGT26

  

  January 2012

  Thank you all for the advice! I can admit that I can be oversensitive when it comes to his friends.
  
  My Fiance's friends are not the typical guys. They are all Latin guys who think that women should worship the ground they walk on. They like women who cater to the men. They do not watch any sports, so I can't relate to them on that level. They are also extremely jealous and possessive of my Fiance which is why they are so adamant about never including me.
  
  For example, about a year ago when I was moving in with my Fiance, his friends came in town for the weekend. I offered to let them use my apartment since most of my stuff was moved into the new place and my old place was bigger and in a great area. Keep in mind, this is Miami Beach so for them to stay in a hotel for 3 nights would have been over $600. My Fiance and I had made arrangements for us all to go out to dinner so I could meet one of them for the first time. Well, his friends said no, we want it to be just a guy thing and my Fiance left me hanging. His friends just used me for my free apartment! They were spending the entire weekend with each other so it would not have killed them to let me come for dinner. I felt so hurt and boy did I give it to my Fiance. He got the message.
  
  When FI and I first started dating he definteliy did not think that he was going to get married, much less marry ME! He told his friends that we were not serious and I was a fling. Fast forward and we are now engaged. His friends still beleive that I am not The One. My Fiance has tried very hard to get them to realize that things have changed to no avail.
  
  How do I get them to take me seriously? What if they give a really embarrassing speech at the wedding infront of my friends and family??
  

  Amanda

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• mbcdefg member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_his-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b7873b97-dc07-4e11-9a09-f8635e194d71Post:aef7ffd5-fef2-4c86-9b81-251992a63800">Re: His friends....</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thank you all for the advice! I can admit that I can be oversensitive when it comes to his friends. My Fiance's friends are not the typical guys. They are all Latin guys who think that women should worship the ground they walk on. They like women who cater to the men. They do not watch any sports, so I can't relate to them on that level. They are also extremely jealous and possessive of my Fiance which is why they are so adamant about never including me. For example, about a year ago when I was moving in with my Fiance, his friends came in town for the weekend. I offered to let them use my apartment since most of my stuff was moved into the new place and my old place was bigger and in a great area. Keep in mind, this is Miami Beach so for them to stay in a hotel for 3 nights would have been over $600.<strong> My Fiance and I had made arrangements for us all to go out to dinner so I could meet one of them for the first time. Well, his friends said no, we want it to be just a guy thing and my Fiance left me hanging. His friends just used me for my free apartment! </strong>They were spending the entire weekend with each other so it would not have killed them to let me come for dinner. I felt so hurt and boy did I give it to my Fiance. He got the message. When FI and I first started dating he definteliy did not think that he was going to get married, much less marry ME! <strong>He told his friends that we were not serious and I was a fling. Fast forward and we are now engaged.</strong> His friends still beleive that I am not The One. My Fiance has tried very hard to get them to realize that things have changed to no avail. How do I get them to take me seriously? What if they give a really embarrassing speech at the wedding infront of my friends and family??
  Posted by AmandaGT26[/QUOTE]
  
  His friends don't sound awesome, I agree ... but it seems like the main problem here is your FI. <em>He</em> gave the O.K. to ditch you for dinner, and <em>he</em> told his buddies that you were just a fling ... it doesn't seem like he respects you all that much when his friends are also in the picture. And if these guys are really just crummy people in general, your FI is still choosing to be friends with them, which is also a problem since "you're only as good as the company you keep."
  
  If you feel that he can't put your needs and feelings ahead of his friends, then that is a problem. You should really work this out before you go forward with the wedding plans. That is a MUCH bigger problem than you trying to get a bunch of chauvenistic egotistical guys to like you.

  

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• em01092 member

  

  January 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_his-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b7873b97-dc07-4e11-9a09-f8635e194d71Post:aef7ffd5-fef2-4c86-9b81-251992a63800">Re: His friends....</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thank you all for the advice! I can admit that I can be oversensitive when it comes to his friends. My Fiance's friends are not the typical guys. They are all Latin guys who think that women should worship the ground they walk on. They like women who cater to the men. They do not watch any sports, so I can't relate to them on that level. They are also extremely jealous and possessive of my Fiance which is why they are so adamant about never including me. For example, about a year ago when I was moving in with my Fiance, his friends came in town for the weekend. I offered to let them use my apartment since most of my stuff was moved into the new place and my old place was bigger and in a great area. Keep in mind, this is Miami Beach so for them to stay in a hotel for 3 nights would have been over $600. My Fiance and I had made arrangements for us all to go out to dinner so I could meet one of them for the first time. Well, his friends said no, we want it to be just a guy thing and my Fiance left me hanging. His friends just used me for my free apartment! They were spending the entire weekend with each other so it would not have killed them to let me come for dinner. I felt so hurt and boy did I give it to my Fiance. He got the message. When FI and I first started dating he definteliy did not think that he was going to get married, much less marry ME! He told his friends that we were not serious and I was a fling. Fast forward and we are now engaged. His friends still beleive that I am not The One. My Fiance has tried very hard to get them to realize that things have changed to no avail. How do I get them to take me seriously? What if they give a really embarrassing speech at the wedding infront of my friends and family??
  Posted by AmandaGT26[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>I agree with the PP. The friends don't sound like awesome people, but your FI is not helping this issue. He needs to stand up for you and demand that his friends at least respect you. Start there with him. 
  
  </div>

  April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Bio-Updated 4/22**

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• calliopeia2013 member

  

  January 2012

  Jumping on the agreement bandwagon- my FI's ex-friend, who I mentioned above, was kind of the same way.  I really didn't like the person my FI turned into when he was around this "friend"- really similar to what you've described, actually, with the putting me on the backburner.  And it really didn't get resolved until I worked things out with my FI- which, in turn, kind of took him realizing that the "friend" wasn't actually a very nice guy.  Really, before you get married, you need to be confident that your FI has got your back, you know?  Especially where his friends are concerned.  Talk to him about it.  If you're doing premarital counseling or anything, bring it up there. Work it out, however you have to, to where you feel secure that you're FI isn't going to start acting like a jerk to you when he's around his friends.
  
  As for the speech thing, tell whoever's going to be in charge of the microphone (DJ, MC, whatever) not to give it to them.  It'll work itself out.

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• mbcdefg member

  

  January 2012

  Forgot about the speech ...
  
  Ditto calliope's suggestion about instructing the DJ not to give the microphone to anyone except for the people making the official speeches. Maybe even consider cutting the speeches entirely, if you don't have your heart set on them (guests really don't care about them anyway).
  
  If something DOES go awry, though, so what? It's not the end of the world. I've been to a few weddings with bad toasts (one where the best man explained in detail about the couple's first sexual encounter), and while it's awkward it's not the end of the world. Just be mature and calm and don't make a scene about it, and the person giving the speech will look foolish. Not you. Guests will follow YOUR reaction, so if you brush it aside they'll do the same. If you make a big deal of it - confront the toaster, cry, run out of the room - everyone else will feel awkward.

  

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