Mom wants certain relatives invited, I don't. Rant.

rungirl12 · September 2011

I am a pretty outspoken (and stubborn) person. I don't know if I should bend on this one, or stick to my guns. FI & I want a smaller wedding - about 100 people. My mom could easily come up with 100 people she would like to invite, but upon whittling her list, she is stuck on inviting her first cousins (7 of them with spouses). These are people that she grew up seeing, but that I have only seen at events like weddings and funerals. These are not people we see at holidays or just to get together with. Weddings, funerals, that's it.

That being said, one of the 7 screwed my sister over during her wedding and would not be invited (mom agrees). So we're down to six and mom says one will definitely not come. So assuming that, I am now down to 5. One of these is my mom's favorite and I like him as well and would want to invite him. One of the sisters I do not like, but can tolerate. And, then there's these 3 others that I have no feelings towards either way. My mom said I HAVE to invite them all (she is under the invite one, invite all because they're the same relation). She has said that if I do not invite the lady I don't like, she simply won't be able to face her ever again. Now, this was all said in the heat of the moment and she has since come back to me and said to do what I want, it's my wedding.

I am close to my mom and don't want to hurt her. I also don't want "strangers" at my wedding that know NOTHING about me personally or what my life is all about. I am not inviting certain co-workers or people I run with on a weekly basis and I would much rather expand my guest list in that direction if forced to expand. Those people at least know me to some degree.

My mom offered to pay for their spots and offered to give up inviting friends to have these relatives attend in place. However, I like my mom's friends and they actually know what's going on in my life through my mom and some even watched me grow up. Plus, my mom has WAY more fun with these people and sees them regularly. I know she would rather spend the night with her friends, but she's so stuck on not offending relatives that if forced, she'd choose that route.

I feel like we'd be ok if I just went ahead and invited none of them. It's easy to say it's a small wedding and close family only. They'd consult with each other, find out no one was invited, and likely be ok. However, I would like to invite my mom's favorite, but feel like that could create tension among all the sisters not invited (women, I tell ya...) AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I don't care if these relatives hate me, I just don't want any of them to get mad at my mom over this. It's not my mom's fault her daughter didn't invite them!

LoveMuffins · September 2011

It's not your mom's fault if you don't invite them, but she'll probably be the one blamed... and it certainly seems like she thinks she would be too.

A lot of this will come back to... who's paying? If it's all you and FI, then you guys have final say. It sounds like it probably is because she's offering to pay for their spots. To be honest, I think you should just accept that offer. It's no skin off your back, since she'll be paying for them. It seems really important to her, you probably won't spend more than5 min with these people(IF they show up) just to say hello and thank them for coming, and the 'favorite' relative won't have to feel weird about attending when the rest of his family wasn't invited.

And... well for comparison think of it this way. Your brother/sister says to you "Omg, I'm so excited for Dafney's wedding, want to go together?" And you say "Dafney's wedding... I haven't gotten an invite." Insta-awkward. If your favorite relative has brothers/sisters they should be invited all together, because they ARE all family and it's going to be akward for everyone involved if the whole family unit isn't invited to a family wedding. It'd be one thing if they were friends, but because they're relatives, it's weird/awkward/insulting to have your bro/sis invited to a family wedding that you're not.

jagore08 · September 2011

I was in a similar situation as you except it was my cousin. I have only seen him once when I was 5 but I dont remember. He is my uncles son. My uncle also has two other kids who I have never met. It didn't even cross my mind to invite any of his kids (mind you they are about 15 years older than I am and have never been to any of our family reunions). I love my uncle and we have always gotten along until they found out I didn't invite his one son. I tried to tell him that I was sorry and it didn't cross my mind since I never even talk to him. Then I asked why he wasn't upset I didn't invite his other two kids and upset about only one. This conversation did not go over well and we haven't spoken since (my wedding was over two years ago!). This is not what I want and wish things were different.

Moral of the story, if you want to avoid family drama and you have the space, invite the family and keep the peace.

MairePoppy · September 2011

I'm an MOB in a similar situation to your mom. My parents had two children, my brother and I. My uncle and aunt,on my father's side, had two children. The four of us were brought up like brothers and sisters. We all live in four different states now,with our spouses, so we only see each other at weddings and funerals. But we still love each other. It would be very insulting to leave either or both of my cousins off the guest list. Although my daughter and fi have the final say, I would be the one to get blamed for the slight.

I get it that you would prefer to have your mom's friends at your wedding. I understand your reasoning. But the friends are going to understand the explanation that it's family only. The family will never understand that they were excluded, while friends were invited. If you are allowing your mom a certain number of guests, let her decide who they will be. Otherwise, you will be putting your mom in a very uncomfortable position.

Edit -grammar

Kate61487 · September 2011

I would invite all 7 or none of them for reason's PP's stated.

"one of the 7 screwed my sister over during her wedding and would not be invited"

What does that even mean? did she not give your sister enough money or something? how does a relative screw someone over during a wedding?

Clearly this is important to your mom, as she's willing to cut her friends to make room, so I would invite them. all of them

em01092 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-wants-certain-relatives-invited-dont-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9bcfc66f-a1fe-43ab-baaa-ae759b8e3adbPost:67a5ab86-3dae-4bf1-b2e3-31400f567b72">Re: Mom wants certain relatives invited, I don't. Rant.</a>:
[QUOTE]I would invite all 7 or none of them for reason's PP's stated. "one of the 7 screwed my sister over during her wedding and would not be invited" What does that even mean? did she not give your sister enough money or something? how does a relative screw someone over during a wedding? Clearly this is important to your mom, as she's willing to cut her friends to make room, so I would invite them. all of them
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

<div>I wondered this too. </div>

EmilyEastondotcom · September 2011

The way you talk about your mother and seem to hold her in high regard and care about her, I would invite these people if I were you. Sometimes what matters to our Moms should matter to us. That's when planning weddings and other times, too. Maybe especially when planning weddings. I don't think you'll regret including these cousins and not making your Mom eliminate friends. I know it's the bride and groom's big day, but it's a big day for your Mom and your family.

rungirl12 · September 2011

The one who "screwed my sister over" we had both never met before. She rsvp'd yes with a guest, didn't show up to the wedding. She didn't call to say why and had her sister instead call to apologize to my sister and said she would be sending the card. They never got a card. Now, they didn't need/expect a gift, but wasting $ on a dinner and then not even sending a card, but making a point to have a "3rd party" tell you that a card is on the way... unacceptable.

kimberlykh · September 2011

I would invite all or none of them. Definitely don't invite the "favorite" that is bound to cause more tension. If your guest list is 100, then I think it is perfectly reasonable to explain to people that you couldn't invite everyone you wanted.

Kate61487 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-wants-certain-relatives-invited-dont-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9bcfc66f-a1fe-43ab-baaa-ae759b8e3adbPost:0bfddca8-f4b4-4b05-87bd-44fb3e881511">Re: Mom wants certain relatives invited, I don't. Rant.</a>:
[QUOTE]The one who "screwed my sister over" we had both never met before. She rsvp'd yes with a guest, didn't show up to the wedding. She didn't call to say why and had her sister instead call to apologize to my sister and said she would be sending the card. They never got a card. Now, they didn't need/expect a gift, but wasting $ on a dinner and then not even sending a card, but making a point to have a "3rd party" tell you that a card is on the way... unacceptable.
Posted by rungirl12[/QUOTE]

okay yeah, that sucks; and she didn't handle it well - but I think every bride has at least one person not show, so don't be too hard on her. If you want to exclude her that's up to you, but I'd still invite all of them just to keep the peace.

joyfulhappy1 · September 2011

if you plan on having these people in your life after the wedding, then invite them, but if not then don't

sshruff1 · September 2011

I told my mom that none of HER cousins were getting an invite. I never see them and while they did invite me to their kids' weddings, it was over 10 years ago. We are paying for 99% of the wedding (Mom threw in 1% as a gift) so I did not give her a "guest list" to work with. I am inviting all of her sisters and their kids and would rather not but those are MY cousins so I don't feel like I can exclude them.

I agree that it's all or none of them. If it were me, it would be none of them. But then again, my mom has no friends coming either. I know none of them since we aren't very close.

tldh · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-wants-certain-relatives-invited-dont-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9bcfc66f-a1fe-43ab-baaa-ae759b8e3adbPost:0bfddca8-f4b4-4b05-87bd-44fb3e881511">Re: Mom wants certain relatives invited, I don't. Rant.</a>:
[QUOTE]The one who "screwed my sister over" we had both never met before. She rsvp'd yes with a guest, didn't show up to the wedding. She didn't call to say why and had her sister instead call to apologize to my sister and said she would be sending the card. They never got a card. Now, they didn't need/expect a gift, but wasting $ on a dinner and then not even sending a card, but making a point to have a "3rd party" tell you that a card is on the way... unacceptable.
Posted by rungirl12[/QUOTE]

This doesn't even fall into the realm of screwing someone over.

melissak1q · October 2011

Do not spend your planning time stressin this. If you have a fixed number of ppl you can invite, put the cousins on the list and see how you can be flexible. It's not worth it to fight with your mother or upset any family. Maybe they won't even rsvp and it'll be a non issue!

Mom wants certain relatives invited, I don't. Rant.

Re: Mom wants certain relatives invited, I don't. Rant.

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