Moms and Maids

fmil hates me (long, Im sorry)

K and I began dating in 10/2006.
Right from the start his mother didnt like me.
She said that I was spoiled, and that because of my American upbringing I just didnt understand their ways and would never fit in with their family.
They came here from Poland in 1993.

The future in-laws lost their home (due to bankruptcy) and so they (mom, dad, and 2 younger sisters) moved in with us.
This was in 1/2008.

We got engaged 6/2011.
My family was so happy.
His family... well they couldnt care less.

His mom is always talking bad about me behind my back.
She is polite to my face (usually) but then I hear her talking about me over the phone, or I will hear from the person she told it to.

This past Thanksgiving we had both my family and his family together so that he and I were not running around to 2 different dinners.
I was cleaning. I spent all day Wednesday cleaning the bathroom, living room, dining room, and kitchen.
In the kitchen on the counter there were dirty mugs, used paper towels, dirty cutting board and knife, and a bowl of soup with a container of noodles on top.
I assumed that the soup was old and left out so down the disposal it went. Noodles too.
I put all the dishes in the dishwasher. I hand washed all that didnt fit in the dishwasher. I scrubbed the counter and floor.

His mom comes home and asks what I did with the soup.
I tell her.
She gets pissed.
She starts saying that that was hers and she was going to eat it. I apologize and say there had been nobody home for the past 3 hours, so I thought it was old and so I threw it out. She started going on about how she would never do that to me, she never throws my stuff out so why would I do that to her. Why would I throw her stuff out. She was telling me she was SO mad at me.
I kept apologizing but she wouldnt hear it.
I went downstairs and sat with Kamil. He held me and asked me what happened and if I wanted him to go talk to his mom.
I said no, that it was stupid and to just let it be.
He comforted me and reminded me that his mom was unreasonable and to just let it roll off my back.
About 10 minutes later his mom called down the stairs for him.. he went over to the stairs to see what she wanted.. she started to complain to him about what I did and bitch to him about me.
I didnt understand most of it cause it was in Polish, but I understood the curse words, the word soup, and the word girlfriend.
He got really upset and he firmly told her that I wasnt his girlfriend, I was his fiance. He went on to defend what I did and so she walked away in a huff.

Thanksgiving came and went almost uneventfully.
My dad (who has NF) had a sezuire after dinner so my parents and brother had to leave pretty early.
His cousin (who Im close with) and her hubby were the only ones to ask how dad was after it all went down. The rest of his family just didnt seem to care.
Mom, dad, and my brother got home okay. Dad was ok. So the rest of the night went off without a hitch.

I worked all day (8am-7pm) on Friday and then K and I watched movies in the basement with our friend all night so I didnt see his mom at all on Friday.

Today he and I went to the grocery store.. when we got home from that his cousin was there picking up the dishes she had left there on Thanksgiving.
She told me about how his mom was complaining to her about me. About the soup thing again... and about how Im always moving stuff, and that I have no respect and other crap. His cousin defended me and told her that she would of done the same thing that I did and so his mom was all taken back and just didnt have anymore to say.

Ive always been nice and polite and respectful to her, so I dont understand her actions!

There has been ONE time in the 5+ years Ive known her that I snapped at her.
It was in late 9/2009, I had a cat. I made it very clear that she was to be an indoor only cat. She was not allowed outside. She had not been spayed yet so that was another reason that this was very important.
I come home from work one night take off my shoes and socks. His mom is in the kitchen (she says nothing to me), grab a can of drp from the fridge, then go to my room to put on my pjs. His youngest younger sister comes out of her room and tells me that my cat is outside.
I freak out and run out there to look for her.
His mom comes after me and starts telling me that she will be fine, she is with her cats. I tell her no that shes not allowed outside, shes not spayed, I dont want her to get preg. She repeats that she will be fine and not to worry so much. I tell her that no she is my cat and I want her back inside. She then tells me to put on shoes... she keeps nagging at me to put on shoes. I snap and yell that I dont care about my effin shoes that I just want to get my cat! (sidenote: after this my cat was given to my parents so she would be safe)
Apparently that was SO terrible of me cause she didnt speak to me for a month after that happened. She also proceeded to tell everyone she knew about how I yelled at her.



thanks for letting me vent!

Re: fmil hates me (long, Im sorry)

  • edited December 2011
    That sucks.  I'm sorry.  

    It's good that FI and cousin are starting to stand up for you, but to me, it would be too little, too late.  IMHO, you and FI need to have a serious sit-down the in-laws, along the lines of "if you want your son in your life, you will treat his FI with respect, and if you want to live in our house, you will treat it (and us, and our belongings, and our cat) with respect."  Then accept that yes, this might cause a major family rift.

    If your FI can't back you on this, then you have a tough choice to make, because marriage won't change her behavior.  I could not live like this.  I wish you all the best.
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  • edited December 2011
    I can't believe you live with these people - I admire your patience, I know I would have moved out in a month flat in that kind of situation.

    Is there a timeline for when they are moving out?  I don't think it's fair of your FI to ask you to live in these conditions indefinitely.  
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Ditto the talk. God bless you for living like that. No way would I be treated like that in my home.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Wow, you have the patience of a saint!  It was great of you and your FI to let them move in with you after they lost their house but it has been 3+ years and they are still living with you?  Are they even trying to move out or are they just munching off of you and your FI (this may sound harsh but them still living with you is ridiculous).

    It is great that your FI stands up for you and defends you...this is such an important thing to have in a relationship.

    As for your FMIL, I would personally just stop trying.  I wouldn't waste my time or energy even talking to her anymore.  It seems like you have gone above and beyond trying to please her but it seems that she isn't the kind of woman who can be pleased. I would concentrate on your relationship with your FI and possibly talk about a timeframe in which his parents (and sisters) need to move out.  This environment you are living in now is not a good one and will only hurt your relationship with your FI and his side of the family even more in the future.

  • edited December 2011
    I'm a mom, and cannot imagine doing to my child what she/they are doing to their child and his fiance.  It is inexcusable.

    That being said...they need to go.  I would not marry this man until they are gone.  If you do, there is no incentive for him to "inspire" them to leave.

    You do not want to spend the rest of your life hiding from someone in your own house.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    What's the timeline for them moving out? If there isn't one, you really need to re-think this.

  • lilbitbeakerlilbitbeaker member
    edited December 2011
    thank you all so much!

    we are looking at about 6 months for them to move out (so about a month before the wedding).

    Im keeping my fingers crossed
  • Stina51286Stina51286 member
    2500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I give you so much credit for letting them stay there this long or yourself not leaving until they are gone! Our neighbors drunk friend almost backed his truck into our house, litterally inches from hitting it, if he would have, we would have had to stay at his parents til our house was fixed, even that scenario did not fly with me!

    Hopefully your FI can stay strong and keep standing up for you until they are out!


  • edited December 2011
    That is just unacceptable, sorry you're going through that. Hopefully things will get a little better when you're not living with them and you only have to see them occasionally. You have more patience than I do that's for sure.

    I'm glad your FI stands up for you...Hope things get better, either way, it's time for them to leave!!!
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  • Grits8812Grits8812 member
    edited December 2011
    oh wow. im sorry you have to deal with all that.  its crazy the things you sacrifice for someone you love.  personally, if someone who wasnt my FMIL acted like that toward me, it would go down. at least you have your fiance for support, who has lived with her his whole life!  hopefully it will get better closer to the wedding, or after the wedding. 

    keep your head up! and we are all here for you
  • edited December 2011
    I can't believe you've only yelled at her once in three years. I'd have lost it at least once a month and thought I was doing pretty good.

    Glad to give you a place to vent. Hope it gets better.
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