Cold Feet

MegNew03 · October 2012

HELP!! My wedding is in 19 days and I have got a MAJOR case of cold feet!! I'm freaking out and worried that I'm making a mistake. It's probably just stress from all of the wedding planning, at least that's what I'm hoping!! Did anybody else experience this???

NOLABridesmaid · October 2012

Why do you feel like you're making a mistake?

tawillers · October 2012

We need more details.

MegNew03 · October 2012

I just feel so upset and like constantly on the verge of tears. I'm just having doubts that getting married isn't the right thing. Like I do love my fiance more than anything but we have been arguing a lot lately and I feel like I'm not as happy in the relationship as I originally was. I used to feel like he loved me more than anything and I don't get that feeling from him anymore.

*Barbie* · October 2012

worried that you're making a mistake in floral arrangements vs. balloon arch or making a mistake in marrying this guy?

why do you feel that way?

we need more information

GBCK · October 2012

what sort of arguing? (over what?)

And how is it resolved? (or is it still festering)

And is the 'feeling' gone or is the evidience that he loves you gone--what has changed besides gut feelings?

MegNew03 · October 2012

Worried I'm making a mistake in marrying my fiance.

NOLABridesmaid · October 2012

How long have you been together? It sounds like the newness is wearing off, and you're entering the realistic, everyday aspect of your relationship.

What are your fights about?

MegNew03 · October 2012

Just arguing over everything. I feel like we can't even go an entire day without arguing anymore. I don't think we ever get anything resolved because we lack the communication skills needed for a succesful marriage. I was trying to tell him the other day how I don't feel like he loves me anymore and I don't get any of his attention and he started arguing with me saying I was being ridiculous. All I wanted to do was tell him how I feel. Just because he thinks he is giving me attention doesn't mean I can't feel like he isn't. I think it's just mainly gut feelings.

MegNew03 · October 2012

We've been together for 2 years now but friends for about 8 years.

*Barbie* · October 2012

how old are you?

how old is he?

how long have you been together?

have you both gone to college/trade school/gotten jobs?

are you supporting yourselves?

do you live together?

how has his behavior towards you changed? (could you be doing something to cause this? has he experienced any major life changes -besides the wedding - recently?)

have you discussed your concerns with him?

have you gone for premarital counseling?

do your families approve of the marriage? (if you are close to them, and this matters to you)

do you have kids together? from previous relationships?

have you changed how you are treating him?

what are you fighting about?

do you have similar views on money, raising children, religion, etc.?

*Barbie* · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_cold-feet-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:6a9da80e-d7d2-49df-9b32-eec6cfd4982ePost:76de8b50-3fa9-4182-91f8-e2eae8929d57">Re: Cold Feet</a>:
[QUOTE]Just arguing over everything. I feel like we can't even go an entire day without arguing anymore. I don't think we ever get anything resolved because we lack the communication skills needed for a succesful marriage. <strong> I was trying to tell him the other day how I don't feel like he loves me anymore and I don't get any of his attention and he started arguing with me saying I was being ridiculous. </strong> All I wanted to do was tell him how I feel. Just because he thinks he is giving me attention doesn't mean I can't feel like he isn't. I think it's just mainly gut feelings.
Posted by MegNew03[/QUOTE]

<div>what else was he supposed to say? i think hearing something like this would make someone defensive. </div><div>
</div>

MegNew03 · October 2012

I'm 27 and he is 26. We've been together for for 2 years. We went to colllege together and now live together and both have full time jobs. We've been living together for over a year now. No major life changes other than the wedding. I have tried to talk to him about it but I feel as though it's never been successful. We did premarital counseling which was a requirement to get married in my catholic church. Both of our parents approve of the marriage which is very important to me. We don't have any kids together or from previous marriages. I don't think I'm treating him any differently although I have been stressed about the wedding. I think we have similiar views on everything. We've just been fighting about every little thing.

MegNew03 · October 2012

You're probably right I would have gotten defensive too. I was just trying to communicate how I was feeling though.

GBCK · October 2012

the "I think we have similar views" always is a red flag to me.

That tends to mean "I assume we have similar views" not "we've talked about things and are in agreement".

(it's amazing the things we assume about each other. Some of the assumptions are reasonable but, really, that doesn't make them RIGHT)

The fact that you 2 can't communicate -- you can't say it w/o pissing him off. He can't help being pissed off because you bludgoned him w/ a doozy, that's the bigger deal.

And, IMO, pre-cana is not the sort of 'counseling' that helps with that. at all.

The counsling done by a 'real', not religiously affiliated counselor is the kind that helps with that.

*Barbie* · October 2012

rather than saying something like "i don't feel like you love me as much"

ask him if he could do _______ for you more often. give specifics.

what do you want to see from him? is it flowers and candy and romantic dates? do you want him to take over some of the chores to take pressure off of you? do you want him to plan more activities for the two of you to do together?

that's what you need to tell him.

he could be showing love in a way that you're reading differently.

eg. his idea of showing love is doing some chores or making dinner so you can sit down and relax. he sees it as taking care of you. he doesn't think that he needs big romantic gestures to show that he loves you - but it doesn't hurt for him to do these things if you enjoy themm-so let him know that.

ask him how he shows love. ask him what you do for him to make him feel loved. does this match your idea of what you do for him?

*Barbie* · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_cold-feet-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:6a9da80e-d7d2-49df-9b32-eec6cfd4982ePost:27ff224e-5887-4b1d-821a-f7e5c1fd49b4">Re: Cold Feet</a>:
[QUOTE]pre-cana is not the sort of 'counseling' that helps with that. at all. The counsling done by a 'real', not religiously affiliated counselor is the kind that helps with that.
Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

<div>yes. that was my thought as well. </div><div>
</div><div>go see an actual (licensed, not religious) counselor/therapist. they can help the two of you learn to communicate better.</div>

MegNew03 · October 2012

Thanks for all of the input! You're right, it would be a good idea to see an actual counselor/therapist. I hadn't even thought about that. I do need to give him specifics if I want him to treat me differently, I can't just expect him to know how I want to be treated if I don't tell him. We have talked about it and we do have similiar views, sorry I worded that wrong!

NOLABridesmaid · October 2012

You stated that you're getting married in 19 days. That's not a lot of time to find a counselor, get an appt, and have a few sessions under your belt.

Are you going to go through with the wedding or postpone it?

Cold Feet

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