Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding

Apparently since my FI and I don't live in our old town anymore, in order to get married at that parish (where our families still attend), we have to register at a Church up here, meet with a priest sometime during the week (we both work 50-55 hours per week), and get him to approve our paperwork, which then gets faxed to the home parish, which should contact us, and THEN we can book a date.  

I wish we were any other Christian denomination, so we could just pay the "donation" and book a date ASAP.  This is what I get for taking two months after getting engaged to even ask what the procedure is...
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Previously Alaynajuliana


Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding

  • It's not always that simple with other denominations either.  Booking was easy, but we had to do a certain number of hours of premarital counseling with our pastor.  I lived 90 minutes away at the time, H and I were both in school full time and he was also working full time.  If it's important, you find a way.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:d113a861-4da4-429c-88cf-2c7b14c64000">Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Apparently since my FI and I don't live in our old town anymore, in order to get married at that parish (where our families still attend), we have to register at a Church up here, meet with a priest sometime during the week (we both work 50-55 hours per week), and get him to approve our paperwork, which then gets faxed to the home parish, which should contact us, and THEN we can book a date.   I wish we were any other Christian denomination, so we could just pay the "donation" and book a date ASAP.  This is what I get for taking two months after getting engaged to even ask what the procedure is...
    Posted by Alaynajuliana[/QUOTE]

    If it were really that important for you to be married in the Catholic church, I find it hard to believe that neither one of you would not yet members of a local parish and are complaining about what is required for a Catholic wedding.  I'm honestly not sure why you are insisting on a Catholic wedding sacrament when you don't seem to take the faith seriously.  It's not at all unusual for parishes to make sure couples are not using the church for no more than a pretty setting.
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  • itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:d795136f-822f-4719-b05e-afeb0669dfea">Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding : If it were really that important for you to be married in the Catholic church, I find it hard to believe that neither one of you would not yet members of a local parish and are complaining about what is required for a Catholic wedding.  I'm honestly not sure why you are insisting on a Catholic wedding sacrament when you don't seem to take the faith seriously.  It's not at all unusual for parishes to make sure couples are not using the church for no more than a pretty setting.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    Seconded, GLB.

    OP, I can relate to a certain extent and I'm not going to lie, there were times when DH & I couldn't believe there was <em>anotherrrrr</em> requirement to get married in our Catholic parish. But we quickly realized how lucky we were to get to share a Sacrament with one another. You might have to take a vacation day or two from work, but it is worth the "sacrifice" if your faith is important to  you.
  • I am always sort of surprised at how many Catholic brides have no clue what is involved in getting married in the Church.

    I am not Catholic, H is and I had a certain understanding of what would be involved (pre-cana, meetings with the priest etc).  To me it comes across as not being that strong in your commitment if you don't have a basic knowledge; and like PPs said just looking for a pretty setting.  Though I do get the impression (right or wrong) that things really can vary parish to parish, priest to priest.

    H is not officially a member of the church we got married in (I keep encouraging him to make it so); but we had very little trouble with the priest/church agreeing to marry us.

     

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:122384ba-f3db-479c-8983-e817c4e89691">Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am always sort of surprised at how many Catholic brides have no clue what is involved in getting married in the Church. I am not Catholic, H is and I had a certain understanding of what would be involved (pre-cana, meetings with the priest etc).  To me it comes across as not being that strong in your commitment if you don't have a basic knowledge; and like PPs said just looking for a pretty setting.  Though I do get the impression (right or wrong) that things really can vary parish to parish, priest to priest. H is not officially a member of the church we got married in (I keep encouraging him to make it so); but we had very little trouble with the priest/church agreeing to marry us.
    Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm a catholic bride too. I knew about the premaritual counceling but I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT ALL OF THE RULES. I was a sunday school teacher and went to catholic school most of my life.</div><div>After we got engaged my fiance and I planned our dream wedding booked our ceremony & reception venue then announced the good news to our family. (If we didn't we'd be playing date games with our families). Now our decan is telling us that we can't have the wedding that we want EVEN WITH our modifications. I was under the impression that they would be happy that we're doing things in the right order not micromanage the details of how/where we get married. We even tried to have a weekday wedding in the church and then have a seperate reception/celebration on the weekend. Nope can't do that eigther... It's so frustrating. </div>
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  • edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:c9cce9e0-f153-4574-803e-d6532c063b49">Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding : I'm a catholic bride too. I knew about the premaritual counceling but I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT ALL OF THE RULES. I was a sunday school teacher and went to catholic school most of my life. After we got engaged my fiance and I planned our dream wedding <strong>booked our ceremony</strong>& reception venue then announced the good news to our family. (If we didn't we'd be playing date games with our families). Now our decan is telling us that we can't have the wedding that we want EVEN WITH our modifications. I was under the impression that they would be happy that we're doing things in the right order not micromanage the details of how/where we get married. We even tried to have a weekday wedding in the church and then have a seperate reception/celebration on the weekend. Nope can't do that eigther... It's so frustrating. 
    Posted by GoldenCityDreamer[/QUOTE]

     I'm guessing that you were not planning on being married in the physical building of the church then.  Not understanding why you can't have a private wedding during the week and then the reception on the weekend.
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  • Wow, I feel like me and H had a super easy time. Yes, we did pre-cana but we got married in a church where neither one of us was a member- we got married an hour away from home. They accepted our pre-cana done in our city and didn't mind that H was not Catholic (he was baptized Lutheran, currently his family are practicing Methodists.) We met with the priest twice before our wedding and didn't even hide the fact that we were living together before marriage (because that would be lying and how could we lie to the Church.) Of course, we didn't flaunt it either, just answered the question about our address honestly, and the monsignor did give us a pamphlet on the concerns of cohabiting but the door wasn't slammed in our face because of it. I do think being from NYC might have had something to do with it (it's a high cost of living area where cohabiting is VERY common.) Our priests might be a bit less old school but our ceremony was very much full of faith and it was important to me to have our marriage valid in the eyes of the church. 

    There are a few options for precana. (H and I did four weeknights over the course of a month.) Sometimes you can complete precana over one weekend and some churches offer Sunday afternoon classes instead of weekday meetings. Distance would make it harder but I know the church we married in accepted pre-cana done within our local Diocese of Brooklyn-Queens and that really made a difference (otherwise we would have been travelling two hours away.) 

    GoldenCity, what are the other rules you are talking about? I mean, we even had a weekday wedding in the summer and had no problems having our Catholic ceremony (not a full mass since H isn't Catholic.) 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:3cfc9d7b-269c-4bfd-9455-738f61562d17">Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding : Absolutely agree.  I took 7 days of classes studying the Catholic faith as part of my confirmation classes for a Methodist church, and while I far from profess to be a source of knowledge on the Catholic faith, those 7 days plus having friends who are Catholic seems to make me far better informed than most of the actual brides who are Catholic, at least on this board.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Exactly what I feel.  I knew the basics - must marry in an actual church (no outside ceremonies), pre-cana and/or some kind of premarital counseling, needing dispensation from the Bishop since I'm not Catholic.    I mean, I understand there are lots of rules, but to not even understand the "standard" stuff seems strange to me.

    We also had a very easy time - called the church and started the process.  We met with our priest several times over the course of the year or so leading up to the wedding.  He had us get a copy of Catechism of the Catholic Church; we would read sections he gave us, then go back and discuss.  He was very easy going; we also got no pushback about living together (and like PP didn't lie, but didn't flaunt it either), we did 2 full Saturdays for pre-cana.  End of story.

    We had more trouble with the wedding and music coordinators than with the actual Church.

     

  • Yeah, that's pretty disgusting, saying noncatholic religions just take payment and process people like a walmart or something. Way to denograte other people's faiths. I'm agnostic and even I had more respect for my husband's pastor and religion than you supposedly do for your own faith. I went to service, I went to bible classes, and I went to the counciling sessions that you seem to think can just be bought and paid off. Religion is important enough to people that it should be treated with respect, even if you don't agree with it.
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  • FI and I were both raised Catholic, and we will be getting married in the church we both attend. We were both well aware of the process (pre-cana, meet with the priest, all paperwork in order, etc.), but the rules definitely blindsided us. For example, our Deacon required us to sign an affidavit saying we wouldn't put money down on a venue or select a date until we completed our pre-cana exercise and the church had given us a wedding date.

    Anyone else heard of this?
  • mcda04mcda04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited November 2012

    My H and I just had our wedding celebration last month in the Catholic Church. I was only baptized but had not received first communion or confirmation sacraments. Each parish is different so mine allowed me to receive a marriage sacrament and confirmation next year.  I received first communion during my wedding mass. We did have to complete MANY requirements but I never questioned my faith and whether or not I should just convert to a different religion to make the process “easy”. Since I hadn’t done my first communion, I had to do 4 initiation retreats and because we were living together and already had two kids, we skipped Pre-Cana and did two Marriage Dynamics retreats, after this was complete, we had our meeting with the priest where we swore to continue our RCIA journey. Oh and our kids had to be baptized which they are. 


     Oh but H and I lived in a different city than the church we attend so we did have to request permission from our home parish. We didn’t have to register at our home parish though, they already had a form we filled out and two weeks later, they faxed it to the Parish we attend and registered at.  


    Please note that the priest will question why you want to marry at a different church and the answer of “because it’s prettier, or closer to my guests” will not be acceptable. The reason for us was because H did his first communion there and it’s just the one we attended for years, we were registered but they still required us to obtain permission since it wasn’t our “home” parish.

     


  • itzMSitzMS member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:830ee9e5-c8c3-4b5f-a7c5-4eed6727fa8a">Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]FI and I were both raised Catholic, and we will be getting married in the church we both attend. We were both well aware of the process (pre-cana, meet with the priest, all paperwork in order, etc.), but the rules definitely blindsided us. <strong>For example, our Deacon required us to sign an affidavit saying we wouldn't put money down on a venue or select a date until we completed our pre-cana exercise and the church had given us a wedding date. Anyone else heard of this?
    </strong>Posted by bride2beNCG[/QUOTE]

    We received literature that stated things to this effect, however, our priest still let us choose our date right away. The main/original purpose of pre-cana prior to date setting was to make sure your focus was on preparing for the Sacrament of Matrimony not the "wedding things".
    It is a good idea, in theory, but it is not very practical in modern society.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:830ee9e5-c8c3-4b5f-a7c5-4eed6727fa8a">Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]FI and I were both raised Catholic, and we will be getting married in the church we both attend. We were both well aware of the process (pre-cana, meet with the priest, all paperwork in order, etc.), <strong>but the rules definitely blindsided us.</strong> For example, our Deacon required us to sign an affidavit saying<strong> we wouldn't put money down on a venue or select a date until we completed our pre-cana exercise and the church had given us a wedding date. </strong>Anyone else heard of this?
    Posted by bride2beNCG[/QUOTE]


    In our weekly bulletin, the very cursory requirements for baptism, First Communion, and marriage are listed.  It clearly states who to contact, and that "no commitment to any venue should be made until after arrangments are made with the rectory". 

    My daughter and her non Catholic husband married in her childhood church, although they lived in the next town over 9 months prior to the wedding.  There was no issue of residence or parish membership (my husband and I are still members).  I think this is a clear example of how no two churches are created equally, and no assumptions should be made, regardless of denomination. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:d795136f-822f-4719-b05e-afeb0669dfea">Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding : If it were really that important for you to be married in the Catholic church, I find it hard to believe that neither one of you would not yet members of a local parish and are complaining about what is required for a Catholic wedding.  I'm honestly not sure why you are insisting on a Catholic wedding sacrament when you don't seem to take the faith seriously.  <strong>It's not at all unusual for parishes to make sure couples are not using the church for no more than a pretty setting</strong>.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with you for the most part, but I think the issue with catholics is less about the pretty building and more about churches not wanting to marry "pretend catholics" or about the "pretty ceremony."  Growing up in a big catholic family in a big catholic area, I've seen so many people that were raised catholic but don't actually practice as adults run into issues with planning catholic weddings.  </div><div>
    </div><div>It seems like a lot of couples think that since they were baptised and did their childhood sacraments, and because their parents continue to practice, that they are somehow practicing by association.  But I suppose that's a much bigger issue than simple wedding planning.  </div>
  • We are not *registered* members of a parish where we live.  We are not planning on getting married until 2014, so my original understanding was that we could book a date as long as we completed the other requirements within 6 months of that date (as it states in all of the Church websites I've looked at.)  Different churches have different rules, even within the same faith.

    Sorry to the poster who thought I was being disrespectful to other faiths--more clearly stated, from what I've heard which may be wrong, Catholics have stricter rules than a lot of other religions.  I also never contemplated converting, but just like to have clarity of what I need to do in order to share the sacrament and have our families be proud that as adults we are embracing our faith together.  

    Thanks for all the input everyone!  Now just not get anxious about how the premarital counseling will go... 


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    Previously Alaynajuliana


  •  " Different churches have different rules, even within the same faith. "

      Now just not get anxious about how the premarital counseling will go... "

    Not that you asked, but you might as well be prepared going in.........different churches absolutely will handle this differently.  On The Knot boards, I have read stories of priests requiring couples to live separately, to attend expensive and multiple courses and seminars, or to spend weekends on retreats.  Other parishes may have far less requirements and/or commitments.

    My daughter and her (now) husband bought a home 9 months prior to their wedding.  They filled out the usual paperwork for their pre-Cana classes.  In reviewing it, Father noted my daughters address, which included "Unit A".  When going through my SIL's paperwork, he read the address, looked at SIL, and then said with a slight smile, "I will assume you live in Unit B", and left it at that.  My understanding is that such a review does not go as smoothly with other couples in other parishes.

    I only say this to help you be aware that you should be prepared to face certain uncomfortable or awkward questions, and the best answers are honest answers.  Most parishes will also require you to show proof of the sacraments you have received, which will involve contacting the parish at which you were baptized. 

    Good luck to you and your FI.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:d113a861-4da4-429c-88cf-2c7b14c64000">Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Apparently since my FI and I don't live in our old town anymore, in order to get married at that parish (where our families still attend), we have to register at a Church up here, meet with a priest sometime during the week (we both work 50-55 hours per week), and get him to approve our paperwork, which then gets faxed to the home parish, which should contact us, and THEN we can book a date.   I wish we were any other Christian denomination, so we could just pay the "donation" and book a date ASAP.  This is what I get for taking two months after getting engaged to even ask what the procedure is...
    Posted by Alaynajuliana[/QUOTE]

    It's pretty well known that you need to make arrangements first with the church before you proceed.  That said, you don't HAVE to get married in the church, especially if you don't practice anymore.....it almost seems fake.

    I was raised Catholic, but as I've gotten older there are just too many things that I don't agree with with the Church (like why someone who cannot marry can counsel me on marriage and relationships). Needless to say, we are not receiving the sacrament of marriage.
  • I would have loved this option.  I'm not Catholic but would have switched.  DH was married before in the Catholic church so no matter what I did, our marriage would not be recognized.  We were offered the option of annulling his first marriage but we didn't want to do that to his sons. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:4edf0265-8d64-4355-834f-4a7fa6485f93">Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would have loved this option.  I'm not Catholic but would have switched.  DH was married before in the Catholic church so no matter what I did, our marriage would not be recognized.  We were offered the option of annulling his first marriage but we didn't want to do that to his sons. 
    Posted by lily_721[/QUOTE]

    Just so you know, having a marriage annulled has absolutely no impact on the children that are the result of such a marriage. They are not considered illegitimate or cast away from the Church or anything else. Neither would you have to become Catholic to be married in the Church.

    Pre-Cana requirements vary greatly between parishes and diocese and it is ALWAYS better to get as much information as you can from the parish where you wish to marry as soon as possible after engagement.

    The wedding service (whether in or out of Mass) is how it is for a reason -- to preserve the validity of the sacrament. If people have more or specific questions, the ladies over on the Catholic weddings board are very knowledgeable and love answering questions. :)
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  • I'm in one of those other Christian faiths, and we could not just pay a fee and book a date.

    To get married in our church, we would have to attend A WHOLE YEAR of what they call "marriage training classes."  A YEAR.  To be TRAINED. 

    So we got married at the reception venue by a judge instead.

    You either follow the rules to get what you want the way THEY want you to get it, or you seek out other options.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:122384ba-f3db-479c-8983-e817c4e89691">Re: Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am always sort of surprised at how many Catholic brides have no clue what is involved in getting married in the Church. I am not Catholic, H is and I had a certain understanding of what would be involved (pre-cana, meetings with the priest etc).  To me it comes across as not being that strong in your commitment if you don't have a basic knowledge; and like PPs said just looking for a pretty setting.  Though I do get the impression (right or wrong) that things really can vary parish to parish, priest to priest. H is not officially a member of the church we got married in (I keep encouraging him to make it so); but we had very little trouble with the priest/church agreeing to marry us.
    Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

    I'm just curious what were the modifications you wanted to make. We are both Catholic (though I disagree with a lot of the teachings-but that's a story for another day) and we are meeting with the priest, (who I like)

    In what parts of the ceremony did they give you trouble? I just want to know what I might be getting in to. Thanks! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_trying-to-plan-the-old-fashioned-catholic-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:01deaac3-8a69-4eab-a931-c0ea2a0e303fPost:d113a861-4da4-429c-88cf-2c7b14c64000">Trying to plan the old fashioned Catholic wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Apparently since my FI and I don't live in our old town anymore, in order to get married at that parish (where our families still attend), we have to register at a Church up here, meet with a priest sometime during the week (we both work 50-55 hours per week), and get him to approve our paperwork, which then gets faxed to the home parish, which should contact us, and THEN we can book a date.  <strong> I wish we were any other Christian denomination, so we could just pay the "donation" and book a date ASAP. </strong> This is what I get for taking two months after getting engaged to even ask what the procedure is...
    Posted by Alaynajuliana[/QUOTE]

    <div>Seriously? This is insulting.  FI and attend a non-denominational church, and have been going to this church together for years.  We still had to follow our pastor's guidelines and are attending a total of 10-12 sessions with him as well (plus homework in between sessions). (Which, by the way, according to my Catholic married friends we are doing more counseling then they did) </div><div>
    </div><div> We also didn't just "give a donation."  We still had to pay to rent the church, for someone to run music/set up church, and pay the pastor a fee.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Could we have gone and found a different church to get married in that was cheaper and without counseling? Of course.  Did we? Absolutely not.  If getting married in a certain church is important to you, you do what needs to be done.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Sounds like you don't care that much to even be married in the Catholic church.  Why is the "old fashioned Catholic wedding" even important to you if you aren't practicing with a current one??</div>
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