Dad's new wife

allispain · January 2013

My dad surprised everyone a year and a half ago by handing my mom divorce papers - he then moved in with an ex-coworker, popped the question to her barely two months after the divorce was finalized, and married her a mere year after ditching my mom. He and I have been on very rocky terms (as in lots of me not speaking to him - and I chose not to attend their wedding). He and his new wife are invited to my wedding; however, he won't be walking me down the aisle, there won't be a father-daughter dance, etc. since none of that would feel right given how things are between us.

I would, of course, like for things to be as drama free as possible on my wedding day (which is in June). However, I also have no desire for my dad's new wife to be in any of my wedding pictures. She's not my stepmom, I have no relationship with her, I haven't even met her - she's there as a member of my dad's family, but not as a member of mine. The only one I'm willing for her to be in is one with me and the two of them, if that's what they want. My mom has suggested that when I discuss must-have photos with my photographer, that I add that I don't want her in any of the family photos that are taken. However, I am terrified that she or my dad will cause a scene at her being asked to not be in them (my dad will still be in them).

Has anyone else been through this or have any advice?

Jen4948 · January 2013

I can appreciate your not wanting any drama, but I think your father is going to create it if you don't have her in the pictures with him and everyone else. So the only suggestion I can come up with is just to not have your father in the pictures. Since you're not doing anything else with him as the "father of the bride" I'd just treat him and his wife as non-family member guests. If that still doesn't work, unfortunately you might have to suck it up and take pictures with them both-but you don't have to pose with both of them in every picture.

Calypso1977 · January 2013

would it really kill you to have her in a few pictures? i mean, one or two wont really matter will it? i ask only because right now things are so fresh, but what if things improve and you regret not having her in any of your pictures?

s-aries8990 · January 2013

Can you do photos with just dad, mom and siblings? That's a good enough excuse and then, of course, she'll step in for a few photos, but you don't have to purchase them.

I know it's a tough situation, but I encourage you to not demand she not be in photos the day of. Make sure there are more than plenty without her though. Just don't purchase the ones she is in. Maybe your dad will want to have some and can purchase them himself. You never know what the future may hold and its best to leave bridges un-burned (completely abandoned, absoloutely, but don't set the fire yourself if you can help it) KWIM.

OliveOilsMom · January 2013

Give your photographer a heads up. If he/she is good at what they do, when dad says something about his wife in the pictures, they will reply: Yes, they will be added into the next shots, but right now, just you dad.

allispain · January 2013

NYUgirl - thank you, that is perfect advice. I guess that was part of my concern, is that I don't consider her a "parent" so I don't want her in "parent" shots - having my photographer completely avoid using that word will make life much easier :-)

AddieCake · January 2013

Ditto JCB. An aunt that I am not speaking to (and was barely speaking to at my wedding) somehow ended up in our family photos despite the fact that we were barely speaking. I really didn't want her in the pictures, but I also didn't want to make a scene, so I just made sure to get plenty of shots of my family without her and then didn't order any with her in them.

jenferian · January 2013

I know pretty much exactly what you're going thru so I will offer my advice :-)

When I was 21, my Dad surprised my entire family by asking my mother (his wife of 25 years) for a divorce and in the same breath, told us how he'd fallen in love with his high school sweetheart and they'd been having a relationship. Literally within days of the divorce being final, he married her. I was invited to the wedding. I told him I would not attend. The day of the wedding (a small civil affair at a friend's home), I decided I needed to be there. Why?

I love my father very much and he loves me very much. His feelings for my mother are irrespective of his feelings for me. He has always been there for me; I will always be there for him.

A year after their wedding, I got married. My wedding was full-on Jerry Springer. AWFUL. My mother was screaming, my stepmother and father dirty danced in front of her, my mom confronted stepmother and screamed at her. Awful.

My mother was livid that I recognized my stepmother and stepsister with corsages at the wedding (which I'd done for all the close female family members--Moms, grandmothers, aunts) and that they got to be in family photos.

But I did it anyway. Why? Because more than loving my father, I respect my father. To disrespect the woman my father loves and is MARRIED to (regardless of my feelings for her) would be to disrespect my father.

So here's my advice, and it's going to be very brutally honest:

Get over it.

You don't want drama at your wedding? Then don't invite drama by being nasty to his wife. Yes, I said it. Nasty to his wife. You are being rude and nasty. I understand you're hurt. Trust me, I more than a lot of people responding understand that hurt. That feeling of betrayal. That "how could you do that to my mother? To me? To our family?" feeling.

But honey, I'm gonna tell you: you'll only be hurting yourself.

My advice: get into therapy NOW. Go work that stuff out. You are holding onto hurt and anger (and you have every right to your feelings), but those feelings are only going to hurt YOU. Not him. Not his wife.

YOU.

You deserve happiness. And you deserve to be very happy on your wedding day.

I'm happy to speak with you over private message. I really feel for you. It's not easy.

You deserve happiness. Never forget that. This pain and hurt you're feeling because of the divorce is hurting you and robbing you of the joy you deserve.

Let it go. Be happy.

(FWIW, it took me a good few years to get over that pain. I took the pain and hurt and mistrust into my marriage and we divorced after 7 months. After our divorce, I did a lot of therapy and I learned to let go. I'm now remarrying in 5 months. That was over a decade ago. It takes time and therapy and healing.)

stantokm · January 2013

As PPs have suggested, it doesn't matter how many pictures you take with your father's wife in them because you don't have to choose those for a wedding album or framed pictures.

I'd suggest getting pictures with the two of them done FIRST if pictures will be after the ceremony. If you're having any kind of cocktail hour before the reception, you can thank them for being in the pictures and then send them right along. If you'll have pictures before the ceremony, have them show up 20-30 minutes (or so) after everyone else and do them last.

Jen4948 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-new-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff707c88-93c1-4ac3-84e9-f09f0f814fb9Post:aacba4c2-af58-468d-acc0-8cd4eaf21429">Re: Dad's new wife</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dad's new wife : Yeah, because that won't be awkward
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

As I said, it might not work and probably she'd have to take pictures with him and the new wife anyway. And it looks like that's the case.

jenferian · January 2013

You don't feel it's disrespectful to treat your father's wife as someone who's not a member of your family?

How would YOU feel if your FI's family wanted pictures without YOU because they don't feel you're part of the family?

jenferian · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-new-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff707c88-93c1-4ac3-84e9-f09f0f814fb9Post:c8e81f58-326d-4230-8c46-237bb41351b3">Re: Dad's new wife</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't feel it's disrespectful to treat your father's wife as someone who's not a member of your family? How would YOU feel if your FI's family wanted pictures without YOU because they don't feel you're part of the family?
Posted by jenferian[/QUOTE]

That was intended for both OP and NYU.

You don't have to respond. Something to consider.

mcda04 · January 2013

My parents are also divorced and my mom does have a SO. I am not bitter towards him but I did want A picture of my immediate family, so it was my mom, dad, and bros / sis, and my kids. When the photographer said "and now one with her parents" my "SF" stepped away and it was no big deal.

After the ceremony, we took another one with my mom and her "H" and that was it. The offsite pictures were only of H and I with our kids and the BP.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2013

I would have her in the photos with your dad. I don't know who ELSE would be in the photos with your dad, unless you want one of just you and your dad alone.

For family photos, we did my husband's immediate family, then extended family (aunt, uncle, cousin, cousin's wife). Then we did my dad's family, which was me, husband, brother, dad and dad's girlfriend. Then we added in my dad's sister, her daughter and her grandson. Then we did me, husband, brother and my mom and my mom's husband. So we had photos of all three "family" units, plus any extended family members. We basically used those photos as gifts for holidays - we had them framed.

ETA: If your parents are divorced, I think it's super awkward to mash them up in the same photo like they're still part of the same family.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-new-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff707c88-93c1-4ac3-84e9-f09f0f814fb9Post:22b2954e-9280-46cb-ad7b-7f98a450525e">Re: Dad's new wife</a>:
[QUOTE]Jen, many people will be in wedding pictures at times without a spouse. There will be some shots of WP members without a spouse. There may be some shots with cousins, etc. The social unit rule means that dad's wife gets invited, not that they be in every photo togethor. to want to do so is hardly indicative that anyone needs therapy. I think the important thing is to discuss with dad and photgrapher ahead of time, and to avoid embarrassing anyone, where possible. ETA -- I would never have gotten myself in the position as OPs new SM, so I can't answer how I would feel. Actions have consequences. I would hope I would understand, but given her previous actions, that may be too much to ask for.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Are you talking about YOUR stepmother? OP hasn't mentioned ANYTHING her dad's wife has done that would encourage her to behave so rudely. Other than, you know, marry OP's father. Which, as an adult, the woman is perfectly allowed to do. THAT is most likely why Jen suggested the OP seek therapy to help her heal her relationship with her dad.

jenferian · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-new-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff707c88-93c1-4ac3-84e9-f09f0f814fb9Post:4bea08f5-f279-4d52-a0ef-5700fc9d5c29">Re: Dad's new wife</a>:
[QUOTE]I would have her in the photos with your dad. I don't know who ELSE would be in the photos with your dad, unless you want one of just you and your dad alone. For family photos, we did my husband's immediate family, then extended family (aunt, uncle, cousin, cousin's wife). Then we did my dad's family, which was me, husband, brother, dad and dad's girlfriend. Then we added in my dad's sister, her daughter and her grandson. Then we did me, husband, brother and my mom and my mom's husband. So we had photos of all three "family" units, plus any extended family members. We basically used those photos as gifts for holidays - we had them framed. <strong>ETA: If your parents are divorced, I think it's super awkward to mash them up in the same photo like they're still part of the same family.</strong>
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

THIS. I have the wedding photo to prove it. My mother is beat red and angry looking; brother and I have tears in our eyes and are frowning; Dad has the most awkward-looking smile; only person smiling was my ex-husband. AWKWARD.

Simply Fated · January 2013

She's your stepmom. You don't ever have to like her, but you're ruining your relationship with your dad over this. Take a picture with your dad and your stepmom. Send it to them. He'll appreciate it. Or don't. You're making this more dramatic than this needs to be.

ETA: Spelling/Grammar fail

Also, I wanted to add... I think it depends on the family dynamics whether or not to have both your parents in a picture together if they're divorced. My parents' divorce was unusually amicable. I'm very lucky for that. In some ways it sucks, but at least I didn't have to go to court and tell a judge which parent I'd rather live with. Anyway, I think my parents would be able to handle one picture together without there being any bloodshed or tears. I would ask them each separately beforehand, of course. I'm just saying, while it's terrible to force anyone to take a picture together if they dont' want to, divorce isn't the ruination of every family. Sometimes it's just a change,

[Deleted User] · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-new-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff707c88-93c1-4ac3-84e9-f09f0f814fb9Post:236ae963-bac2-4b70-8e27-31664fa6541c">Re: Dad's new wife</a>:
[QUOTE]I know pretty much exactly what you're going thru so I will offer my advice :-) When I was 21, my Dad surprised my entire family by asking my mother (his wife of 25 years) for a divorce and in the same breath, told us how he'd fallen in love with his high school sweetheart and they'd been having a relationship. Literally within days of the divorce being final, he married her. I was invited to the wedding. I told him I would not attend. The day of the wedding (a small civil affair at a friend's home), I decided I needed to be there. Why? I love my father very much and he loves me very much. His feelings for my mother are irrespective of his feelings for me. He has always been there for me; I will always be there for him. A year after their wedding, I got married. My wedding was full-on Jerry Springer. AWFUL. My mother was screaming, my stepmother and father dirty danced in front of her, my mom confronted stepmother and screamed at her. Awful. My mother was livid that I recognized my stepmother and stepsister with corsages at the wedding (which I'd done for all the close female family members--Moms, grandmothers, aunts) and that they got to be in family photos. But I did it anyway. Why? Because more than loving my father, I respect my father. To disrespect the woman my father loves and is MARRIED to (regardless of my feelings for her) would be to disrespect my father. So here's my advice, and it's going to be very brutally honest: Get over it. You don't want drama at your wedding? Then don't invite drama by being nasty to his wife. Yes, I said it. Nasty to his wife. You are being rude and nasty. I understand you're hurt. Trust me, I more than a lot of people responding understand that hurt. That feeling of betrayal. That "how could you do that to my mother? To me? To our family?" feeling. But honey, I'm gonna tell you: you'll only be hurting yourself. My advice: get into therapy NOW. Go work that stuff out. You are holding onto hurt and anger (and you have every right to your feelings), but those feelings are only going to hurt YOU. Not him. Not his wife. YOU. You deserve happiness. And you deserve to be very happy on your wedding day. I'm happy to speak with you over private message. I really feel for you. It's not easy. You deserve happiness. Never forget that. This pain and hurt you're feeling because of the divorce is hurting you and robbing you of the joy you deserve. Let it go. Be happy. (FWIW, it took me a good few years to get over that pain. I took the pain and hurt and mistrust into my marriage and we divorced after 7 months. After our divorce, I did a lot of therapy and I learned to let go. I'm now remarrying in 5 months. That was over a decade ago. It takes time and therapy and healing.)
Posted by jenferian[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thank you for this. It sums up my feelings on this post entirely.</div><div>
</div><div>My father passed away in February, so I'm obviously a little touchy about this subject, because I'd put the pope in pictures if it meant I would have just ONE with my dad. </div><div>
</div><div>But, I really would have let him put whoever he wanted in the photos. I HATED my ex-step-mother. HATED. In fact, I'm not sure she even knows my dad's dead. I have NO contact with her. But if they were still married around the wedding, I would have put her front and center if that's what dad wanted--in SOME photos.</div><div>
</div><div>No one's saying she's going to be in EVERY photo. Just throw her in some and move on.</div><div>
</div><div>Furthermore, you're wasting a lot of energy hating your dad for living his life. If he did not want to be with your mother anymore, that's his choice. You don't have to love or support that choice, but there has to be a way to separate it from the fact that he's your dad (unless of course he was a shiiity dad before all of this, and I understand that, too--just because he's related by blood doesn't mean you have to love him, but this seems like your only problem with him is the marriage). I had to do a LOT of growing up in the 15 years my dad was married to that woman. It wasn't easy. It took a LONG time. And I deeply regret wasting my time during those 15 years.</div><div>
</div>

willywally5 · January 2013

Doing the photos with your dad and his wife will take a total of about two minutes, if that. Yes, it will be awkward. Who cares? He's your dad.Did he dos some crappy stuff? Yes. But you can still take a couple of pics with him and his new wife. It's literally a few seconds of your life.

Depending on when you are shooting the family photos, set it up with the photographer to do the ones with Dad and his new wife such that they will be present the shortest amount of time possible. That would be either last to arrive before the ceremony or first to head off to cocktail hour. Unless this SM is a total idiot, she will just sit for moment while ones with you and Dad are snapped, then she can pop in for a few clicks. Seriously, you can stand in a line with her for the short time that takes. Have her stand on the other side of your Dad or whatever if you are afraid of her cooties. And you certainly don't have to have those photos in your albums or even print a copy. Just send one to your dad. You will come out as the much bigger person and oh-so-gracious bride. Plus, it's the right thing to do.

You didn't ask for this and it's awkward. But everyone involved needs to buck the heck up and act like adults. You, too. Total waste of energy to do otherwise. Tell him when/where to be for the photos and tell him what they will be. If he balks, tell him to grow up.

jenferian · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-new-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ff707c88-93c1-4ac3-84e9-f09f0f814fb9Post:6718423d-528e-4487-8bed-b6e47ca0af8c">Re: Dad's new wife</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dad's new wife : Thank you for this. It sums up my feelings on this post entirely. My father passed away in February, so I'm obviously a little touchy about this subject, because <strong>I'd put the pope in pictures if it meant I would have just ONE with my dad.</strong> But, I really would have let him put whoever he wanted in the photos. I HATED my ex-step-mother. HATED. In fact, I'm not sure she even knows my dad's dead. I have NO contact with her. But if they were still married around the wedding, I would have put her front and center if that's what dad wanted--in SOME photos. No one's saying she's going to be in EVERY photo. Just throw her in some and move on. Furthermore, you're wasting a lot of energy hating your dad for living his life. If he did not want to be with your mother anymore, that's his choice. You don't have to love or support that choice, but there has to be a way to separate it from the fact that he's your dad (unless of course he was a shiiity dad before all of this, and I understand that, too--just because he's related by blood doesn't mean you have to love him, but this seems like your only problem with him is the marriage). I had to do a LOT of growing up in the 15 years my dad was married to that woman. It wasn't easy. It took a LONG time. And I deeply regret wasting my time during those 15 years.
Posted by Domino04[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I wanted to say that my best friend's father passed away when we were 16 and my FI lost his father when he was 9. Whenever I'd get angry about what my Dad did and threaten to cut him out of my life for hurting us, I was blessed with my BFF to remind me that she'd give anything to have her Dad around.

My Dad isn't perfect. He didn't send Christmas presents this year for the first time in my life and explained they're only giving Christmas presents grandkids (my brothers have 4 kids between them); my stepsister just got married in November in a lavish wedding. We're getting married in May and there's been no offer of money to help with the wedding. Yeah, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt. But I don't dare complain to my FI. Why? Because at least I have my Dad here with me to walk me down the aisle and be there on my wedding day. I got engaged weeks after my sister got married, so I can't be upset that he doesn't have the funds to help. Plus, I'm in my 30s and we both have good jobs and can afford to throw it ourselves (still, it'd be REALLY nice to have the help).

Anyway, life is too short to get caught up in the small stuff. Really, it's not worth it to get worked up over the wedding photos. It's just not.

Focus on what you have: a Dad who loves you, is alive and healthy, and who will be there to support his baby girl on her wedding day. Remember all the positive times you've shared with him and how he's been there for you.

Good luck.

Dad's new wife

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