Your family, his family = complete opposites?

Re: Your family, his family = complete opposites?

• teamUS2012

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  I hope that didn't sound like I think his family is beneath mine or that mine is somehow better. That's definitely not the case. There are just some cultural and/or lifestyle differences that I'm not sure how to embrace.

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• Carla1019

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  You will have to set some boundaries. If he currently allows his family to come over late at night and you like to whine down to peace and quite then you have to set rules.
  
  My FI doesn't mind if people come over uninvited. That is a big no no for me.

  Wedding date July 7, 2012

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• teamUS2012

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Well, I don't expect we'll have that particular problem since he's moving to my city in JUST 2 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO! lol.
  
  But yeah, his whole family lives in his city, my entire family is scattered all across the southeast, and one of my sisters lives here.
  
  Sometimes, if I'm really needing attention or we just haven't really had time together, I'll ask him to go in another room or call me back when they leave or something like that. But I always feel bad (or controlling or whiny) when I have to ask him that. It just gets on my nerves so badly. I think deep down it annoys me that they are always at each others' houses like that. I don't get that. They're always at his grandmother's house, at different aunts and uncles houses, at cousins houses... it's so weird. LOL
  
  And I don't think we'll EVER be able to have both families together for holidays and stuff. LOL!!!
  
  It's just weird (to me) because my family is close, but we're not close like that.
  

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• nicknuttnc member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  I have major problems with my FI family. The obvious gay thing is something so big with the family (eventhough her sister has been gay for 10 years, she recently came out two and half years ago) and the religion aspect. But what gets me is the disrespect i get from them. They will call me and have me to help with stuff ranging from childcare to car payments. They always go on vacation trips with us. They have come to our house and have asked what did i cook and would not eat it, but ate my mama stuff. (Still don't know if they think they will catch the infamous gay disease from mac n cheese). They do not care that when my FI gets money it comes from our account. They never call me by name (I am her, she, sometimes abomination out of ear range of me) and they are so cold towards me. They all want to be in the wedding (God knows why) and say they will be there to support my FI and not make a scene. I have been here a 2 years and will not go anywhere. My FMIL says she has never seen my FI so happy. I stay around because I have a future step daughter who my FI's family loves and so do I.
  
  Dawg this must have been built up....

  

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• Dancerppf member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  "Hip hop culture", I thought that statement was funny in an offensive kind of way.
  
  My suggestion to you is instead of insulting his family that you explain your thoughts of wanting to have a quiet conversation to you FH. Simply ask him to remove himself to another room so that you can talk because your tired and winding down and its diificult to communicate with so much noise in the background. Think of it as a training exercise, promote when he removes himself from the noise by sending him a naughty photo via text message or talking dirty. He'll want to hear that so he'll be sure to be in a quiet space. Think Pavlov!
  
  These will be your in-laws so getting upset or nasty won't work in the long run. Assurring that your FH knows you well enough to understand that you don't like when people just drop by, etc is needed. Tell him your best friend dropped by uninvited with a group of mutual friends and how annoyed you were because you value your personal space and time. That way he gets the point without it being pointed to his family. Basically if their doing it now they won't expect it to change when he gets married. Best of luck.

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• mrswac58

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Oh yes our families are very different. black/white,city/country(midwest), loud/quiet,large/small,liberal/conservative, laid back/uptight. sweet potato/pumpkin pie lol and many more.

  
  

  I agree that once you are married some boundaries need to be set because it can cause problems if not addressed. Both families will have to respect that. I dont like unexpected guest, esp his folks because its always really akward and early in the morning. I point it out to FI. But we also have to understand that this is probably how its been for them for a long time.So PATIENCE is the best advice I can give you. Its not easy (IMHO) dealing with people or things you arent used to. 

  " he's the perfect rhyme to a tight beat."

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• teamUS2012

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_family-his-family-complete-opposites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:84633795-350e-4443-a13a-f29c4330d717Post:d813a7a5-9038-4f50-add5-ad96288c3adf">Re: Your family, his family = complete opposites?</a>:
  [QUOTE]"Hip hop culture", <strong>I thought that statement was funny in an offensive kind of way.</strong> My suggestion to you is instead of insulting his family that you explain your thoughts of wanting to have a quiet conversation to you FH. Simply ask him to remove himself to another room so that you can talk because your tired and winding down and its diificult to communicate with so much noise in the background. Think of it as a training exercise, promote when he removes himself from the noise by sending him a naughty photo via text message or talking dirty. He'll want to hear that so he'll be sure to be in a quiet space. Think Pavlov! These will be your in-laws so getting upset or nasty won't work in the long run. Assurring that your FH knows you well enough to understand that you don't like when people just drop by, etc is needed. Tell him your best friend dropped by uninvited with a group of mutual friends and how annoyed you were because you value your personal space and time. That way he gets the point without it being pointed to his family. Basically if their doing it now they won't expect it to change when he gets married. Best of luck.
  Posted by Dancerppf[/QUOTE]
  
  
  I was so hoping that didn't come across as offensive. I really didn't mean it that way. But I've always read that hip-hop IS really a culture. And I'm ok with that... it's just not MY culture. (And as I said, that hip-hop edge is one of the first things that attracted me to him). I really didn't mean any offense.
  
  Thanks for the advice. I'll give it a shot. I don't anticipate having that problem out of his family, as we will be living almost 6 hours away and none of them fly (they have literally never flown in an airplane before). It would be pretty risky for them to drive that far and try to drop in unannounced. LOL

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• teamUS2012

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_family-his-family-complete-opposites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:84633795-350e-4443-a13a-f29c4330d717Post:77d5cb3d-c077-4521-8727-1549c0c6c449">Re: Your family, his family = complete opposites?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Oh yes our families are very different.<strong> black/white,city/country(midwest), loud/quiet,large/small,liberal/conservative, laid back/uptight. sweet potato/pumpkin pie lol and many more. </strong>I agree that once you are married some boundaries need to be set because it can cause problems if not addressed. Both families will have to respect that. I dont like unexpected guest, esp his folks because its always really akward and early in the morning. I point it out to FI. But we also have to understand that this is probably how its been for them for a long time.So PATIENCE is the best advice I can give you. Its not easy (IMHO) dealing with people or things you arent used to. 
  Posted by mrswac58[/QUOTE]
  
  We have all the same differences, except we're both black.
  
  It's just so challenging. I guess I can take solace in the fact that we don't live in the same state as either of our families.

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• teamUS2012

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_family-his-family-complete-opposites?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:84633795-350e-4443-a13a-f29c4330d717Post:586f59a9-ee76-4425-abf8-1522fab322b0">Re: Your family, his family = complete opposites?</a>:
  [QUOTE]I have major problems with my FI family. The obvious gay thing is something so big with the family (eventhough her sister has been gay for 10 years, she recently came out two and half years ago) and the religion aspect. But what gets me is the disrespect i get from them. They will call me and have me to help with stuff ranging from childcare to car payments. They always go on vacation trips with us. They have come to our house and have asked what did i cook and would not eat it, but ate my mama stuff. (Still don't know if they think they will catch the infamous gay disease from mac n cheese). They do not care that when my FI gets money it comes from our account. They never call me by name (I am her, she, sometimes abomination out of ear range of me) and they are so cold towards me. They all want to be in the wedding (God knows why) and say they will be there to support my FI and not make a scene. I have been here a 2 years and will not go anywhere. My FMIL says she has never seen my FI so happy. I stay around because I have a future step daughter who my FI's family loves and so do I. <strong>Dawg this must have been built up....</strong>
  Posted by nicknuttnc[/QUOTE]
  
  Awww, well I'm glad you got it out. I'm so sorry to hear about all that. I know that must be difficult. I hope it gets better.

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• SunnyBB

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  OP, I know you are excited about him coming to live near you but make sure you still talk with him about your expectations for the future.  His family may think your place may be the new spot for holidays and road trips and he may not even think to ask you about it.  Communicate now to avoid the arguments later (I had to learn this myself).

  

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• MrsBoss2012

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  I agree with PP. Just because he's moving won't make the problem go away. You have to remember because he is apart of that family he may be bringing some of those same attributes that you hate along with him. Make sure you talk about what bothers you before it gets to be a bigger problem later.
  

  

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• Shia member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  My Fiance and I our an interracial couple and my family is way different than his, but I do understand what you are going through. He lives in another city but with his college room mates who invite random people over at all hours of the night. It is very strange to me and I also do not think it is safe either. I am black but he is Bulgarian. I have four younger siblings and he is an only child (he was adopted). 

  
  

  Our schedules are very different. I go to class at night but he has class during the day and also works too. I try my best to be patient. It was so much worse when he lived in the dorms on campus. Now that he has own place it has gotten better. Ask him to call you when he is alone. That is what I asked my Fiance and I explained to him that it was very difficult to talk to him while he was in the same room with all his friends. He understood and now trys his best to call me when he is alone. 

  
  

  Good luck!

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• nitaashanti78

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Well I know I'll have to adjust to a new culture.  I'm AA and my FI is Jamaican.  He comes from a very "quiet" family and mine is a little, well, loud. lol.  He and I were just discussing that today about the differences. We were talking about how they celebrate holidays as opposed to my family, which was a lot different-they didn't subscribe to many of the holiday traditions I grew up with.
  
  I'm deciding that instead of being confused about things I'll just ask and be open to learn more about his culture, and realize that I might have to tone it down a bit when I visit the FMIL's there.  At the same time I've encouraged FI to let his hair down more when he visits my family.  It's going to take some time but I think we're okay.

  

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• PrettyCW5

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  I understand your frustration. I would just simply have a conversation with your FI about how you feel. Calmly explain to him your feelings about the noise/talking while you two are on the phone. But make sure you do this during a non-hostile time i.e. not while the issue is going on. You both will be less likely to get defensive and ruin the opportunity to communicate openly and effectively. FI and I had the same problem on my end. My mother and I talk all the time. Most of the time we talk to family members together, she'll  say something to them while I'm on the phone and talk to me about things and I would do the same. My aunts and grandma (who we only do this to) will do the same thing. It's just a family thing for us. We all just get on the phone. However, my FI is not used to that but as we all began to get close to one another my mom and I would start to do that to him. I would never do that to none family members or non-immediate family. It's just our close bond. However, FI is not used to that and doesn't care for it because it is rather chaotic but we're (my family) all used to it. So FI and I worked it out where I would step into another room and my mother is also more respecting of it as well. Just talk about it! It helps! Sorry that was so long winded.

  Pretty Sweet Bio

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