Personal Attendant

[Deleted User] · June 2012

Is anyone having a personal attendant? I've asked someone to be mine since I wanted her involved with the wedding but didn't want another bridesmaid since FI and I agreed to a certain number. But honestly I have no idea what a personal attendant should do! Should she be there while we're getting ready for anything that comes up or should she have specific responsibilities?

LDubHawksFan · June 2012

I was a personal attendant for a friend and basically we just helped the girls organize things that day. We made sure the family got to the reception site after pics. It really wasn't a big deal looking back, but it was fun to be a little more involved. From what I've seen on here, a lot of people find it degrading. I know it's more popular back home (IA), than in CA, but then again wedding planners are more prevalent now. Since I have to have one, I might not do a personal attendant and just let my friends enjoy themselves.

ETA: Personally I think a personal attendant is kind of like a guest book attendant. When I didn't really know better, that seems like a nice job, but after being asked to do both of those things, I realized that they aren't really an honor. I think if you really want to involve your friend, have her read at the ceremony or something, or just let her enjoy the wedding without being put to work.

brainybrunette · June 2012

I'd never heard of a Personal Attendant before joining the Knot. Honestly, I'd be insulted if someone asked me to be their personal attendant instead of asking me to be a bridesmaid. To me it sounds like you're not good enough to be a BM, but I'm going to ask you to do things for me and fluff my dress all day.

achiduck · June 2012

To be perfectly honest, it's a crap job handed out to B-list friends. Basically like having a DOC without paying them.

Before TK, I had never heard of it.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

Regretting posting yet again. Personally I'd rather be a part of a good friend's wedding in anyway than just be a guest. I'm in no way asking this girl to bend over backwards for me, I just wanted her involved without having 10 bridesmaids which is how many I'd have if I asked all my close friends. I figured a personal attendant would be better than a guest book attendant. Everyone knows how a guest book works, it doesn't need supervised. I'll likely have her meet the florist when flowers are delivered and gather family for photos. My friends and I have small weddings where family and friends willingly offer to help out and don't pay for other people to come in and do what they can easily do for free.

aimee58 · June 2012

I'm having one. She recently got married to FI's best man. We're becoming friends, and I want her to be involved but not a BM. In my area, it's common to have a PA.

I asked her to be mine mostly to help get ready and hang out while we're getting ready. She also volunteered to be at the reception venue early in the am to make sure that everyone that's decorating there knows what to do.

I know that some people think it's a big insult, but I think it's nice if you involve friends. I see us becoming closer in the future and I want her to be there, but we're not so close that I want her as a BM.

brainybrunette · June 2012

I didn't mean to make you feel bad. This seems like a regional thing, since both you and aimee are from the midwest. In my area and among my circle of friends, a personal assistant would be a huge insult. Most people here hire a DOC if they want more help on wedding day.

If it's normal in your area and people don't find it insulting there, then go for it.

lehc723 · June 2012

Yeah, maybe it just doesn't carry over to the east coast, I'd never heard of it before this very post, ha. It's funny how much all of that can vary.

LDubHawksFan · June 2012

I didn't mean to insult you. Again, it's common back home in IA, so I wouldn't worry about it. And honestly, I have thought about having one of my local friends be mine if I have to get my dress fitted out here and since she has offered to help so much. The reason I don't think I will is simply because my venue required a day of coordinator, so I figure if I'm paying someone, they can do the running around.

I agree, guest book attendant was crap. My friend and I were a little bummed that we weren't in college roommate's wedding, but it was small....however, having us stand at the door of the church was kind of a slap in the face. Again, I was a personal attendant at a wedding with another friend and we had fun with it and considered it an honor. Looking back though, I wish that we didn't spend a good portion of the cocktail hour running around taking things from the ceremony site to the reception, getting all the girls' things into the bride's room at the reception, etc. I ended up drinking enough at that wedding though!

I am still great friends with this girl and had fun with it. It's just a preference. I think it's great that you want to honor this girl too, but my suggestion was a reader because I feel like that is more special. Do what you would like though, and since you've already asked her, do it! BTW, my friend had us wear black dresses so we didn't have to buy a special dress, and we both added a bright pink ribbon to tie into the WP colors. She then gave us corsages and took a picture with us too.

Don't regret posting it....it's not a big deal and a huge no-no. I would be glad you posted here and not etiquette though! haha

[Deleted User] · June 2012

Thanks, the most frustrating thing about TK is how something is perfectly acceptable in some areas and the biggest insult in others. This board is just so much more active than my local board! Overall you ladies are very helpful!

LDubHawksFan · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_personal-attendant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:3d24b6e7-e403-40fe-86fb-b86d38284c9aPost:8bd58585-dcff-49c4-bdf3-e1a0a764601f">Re:Personal Attendant</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks, the most frustrating thing about TK is how something is perfectly acceptable in some areas and the biggest insult in others. This board is just so much more active than my local board! Overall you ladies are very helpful!
Posted by marelin87[/QUOTE]

I agree. Sometimes I wish I never stumbled upon this! My biggest stress thus far has been the invite wording and just when I thought I had what we liked, it was not correct in the minds of all of the etiquette people on TK....however, our parents don't mind it, and I feel like most people don't actually read into invites too much (oh this persons name is here, so clearly they didn't spend money), they just write down the date, so I'm tempted to just leave it how we like it! haha, do what you feel comfortable with because all of us don't know your friends and how they would truly feel. I'm trying to remember to use this site as a sounding board, but not the end all for all decisions.

LDubHawksFan · June 2012

ha, also, my mom recently said "you've been reading too many of those books" when I told her my opinion on something. Now that particular things was her trying to tell me that it's ok to invite a bunch of people to my Iowa shower because it's an out of town wedding and they won't care. I told her I felt like that would be greedy and I just wanted my family and wedding party there....and in turn, I didn't really feel like the shower was necessary then. This is another example of how before this website, I really didn't realize that her idea was such a hot topic for people.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

In Response to Re:Personal Attendant:[QUOTE]I agree.nbsp; Sometimes I wish I never stumbled upon this!nbsp; My biggest stress thus far has been the invite wording and just when I thought I had what we liked, it was not correct in the minds of all of the etiquette people on TK....however, our parents don't mind it, and I feel like most people don't actually read into invites too much oh this persons name is here, so clearly they didn't spend money, they just write down the date, so I'm tempted to just leave it how we like it!nbsp; haha, do what you feel comfortable with because all of us don't know your friends and how they would truly feel.nbsp;nbsp;nbsp; I'm trying to remember to use this site as a sounding board, but not the end all for all decisions.nbsp; Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]

Good advice. I think my FI is also getting sick of hearing what the ladies on TK think. Lol. Like you said, its making me think of and question things I never would have before haha.

achiduck · June 2012

I'm not trying to make your feel bad about your choices, it's just my personal opinions on the matter.

Generally, if it's accepted in your area then don't worry about it.

TCbride1 · June 2012

I'm having one, along with "usherettes" because I have 5 sisters and they are all BMs. I of course want my girlfriends to be a part of the day, too, so I gave them those titles. I really don't think they'll be doing much, basically I wanted them to be with me throughout the day & not just another guest. I'm going to get them gifts as well, but I'm not making them buy dresses or anything.

These boards are simply opinions. Yes, the advice can be helpful if you are unsure, but in the end they are just that, opinions. No one will care in the end who was technically "in" your wedding and who wasn't.

Lang125 · June 2012

I agree with lwoehlk on the concept. I went to college in Dubuque (IA) and my best friend was from there and asked me to be a personal attendant. At the time I was very honored to be a part of the big day and had heard of the idea of personal attendants since I went to school in IA, but really didn't know until later what was expected from me. When it came down to it I had to do quite a bit of work - decorate the venue, pin the corsages and line everyone up, help the BM and bride with getting ready at the church, pass out programs, move decorations from the church to the reception, etc. There were 2 other personal attendants with me and by the end of it we referred to ourselves as 'the bitches' since that is kind of how we felt. It made me decide that I never wanted to have any personal attendants when I got married. Instead, I have hired a DOC.

I don't necessarily think personal attendants are bad, because I did still feel special to be with my best friend on that day, but I would maybe simplify their role so it doesn't just seem that they are there to do all the grunt work at your beck and call. Maybe their role could mainly be just at the ceremony, and they could help get you in your dress and get the corsages pinned and make sure everything is going smoothly.

goatlady12 · June 2012

They are extremely common and accepted in this area. I'm thinking about asking my friend that keep asking how she can help. If I do that I would make a list of all the things that need to be done the morning of the wedding, have her look it over and decide what (if anything) she wants to do. Stressing of course that she doesn't have to do any of it. That way it's like, "I want you to be a part of my day, but I don't want you to be my b*tch."

music11 · June 2012

I did this for a friend, but she was having a small-ish backyard wedding, and there was no wedding party. I did not mind at all, and she was very appreciative.

ericaandtom2012 · June 2012

I have never heard of this before the knot either, and I live in the midwest. I think I would be pretty annoyed if one of my friends asked me to be a "personal attendant". It seems like they have to do much more than what any of the bridesmaids would do, yet none of the "honor". I'd rather attend as a guest.

mbuckley85 · June 2012

My mother hired the 22 year old daughter of a family friend to help us out on the day of the wedding. My mom calls her "the assistant to the bride". Basically she has all the phone numbers for every person involved in our ceremony/reception and will be doing the little things like bringing things to FI and my hotel room the morning of the wedding, keeping the bridal party organized, etc. I was a little embarrassed when I found out my mother had hired her, but she's super excited and is researching little things to puck up that we may need the day of the wedding. FI was nervous bc he had never met her, but when he got to meet her recently he was really thrilled that we will have her on the day of the wedding.

BrittneyRN · June 2012

I'd rather enjoy the wedding as a guest, than to do work for the bride. I guess I just don't understand what the "honor" is having to do all the errands, when I could just show up, take a seat, and enjoy the wedding.

mbuckley85 · June 2012

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