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Future

Re: Future

  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_future-stepchildren-not-included?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:6ed55b8f-655e-4f7a-9d66-e3f97e90b53bPost:dad82f11-97dc-44c1-ac3e-c825fa184052">Future StepChildren Not Included</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance has two children from his first marriage, 10 & 7, and we just had a son together. I have never been married and it is important for this day to be my "cinderella" day. I am never selfish, but I want this day to be our day. Due to not being married until another year I feel, even though we had said that his children could be the FG and RB, that our son should be the RB and his daughter is very developed beyond her age, and looks too old to be a FG. So I do not think they need those jobs.  Is there a way to not put them in the ceremony but still give them a small job to make them feel they had some part? I am sorry if this sounds bad, I just give up so much for them and my fiance, that I feel I should have this day the way I want it. Please help!!!
    Posted by Aidan2011[/QUOTE]

    Are you serious?  On a day that will make these kids very unsure of what is happening in their world, you want to exclude them because a 10 yr old is "too developed" and you couldn't consider having 2 ringbearers?  Because you give up so much for them and their father?  Do you know how difficult it is to be too developed at 10?  Have you ever read the book or watched the movie Cinderella?  You are not the soon to be princess-- you are the evil stepmother. Because I always thought that was a fairy tale that stepmothers could be so cruel to their stepchildren, but you prove to be the index case. 

    Before you plan one more second of marrying this man, you need to sit his butt down and tell him how you feel about sharing "your day" with his children.  I pray he opens his eyes and runs screaming from the room. 

    I fully support that the wedding is the union of the two of you, and that it is not necessarily the time or .place  to vow to the children.  But shoving them aside, after you say that you told them they could be the FG & RB is just so wrong. ~Donna
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  • 2chumps2chumps member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes, it's YOUR day as a bride and regardless of what you decide, selfish or not, you will feel special.  But taking away a role from your two step children sounds more spiteful than anything. 

    I have two children and so does my FI.  We see it as OUR day to join OUR family together and to show our commitment to our children that they will be loved unconditionally and EQUALLY.  What you want to do is show your step children that they hold less value to you than your own child does, and no kid deserves that... EVER.  Either have all of them in the ceremony or none of them. 

    If you feel she will be 'too developed' to be a flower girl, than ask her to do a reading or a be jr. bridesmaid.  If you plan to have a future with your FI and his children than I suggest you stop thinking of it as 'YOUR' day and instead think of it as a celebration of your new family. 

    You will still receive all the attention you can imagine, but more importantly all 3 children will feel welcomed and loved on a day that could already be confusing and overwhelming. 
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Aidan, I agree with the previous responses to your post.  But even more importantly, is this the way you're going to be to these children forward?  If so, you have no right to be their father's wife.  You need to examine your feelings about this NOW.    I know it's not easy being a stepmom.  That's why, when I started dating after my divorce, I immediately asked any man that I was considering dating if he had children.  If they weren't full grown, then I said goodbye.  I know my limitations.  I could not be a good mom to someone else's kids.  It's just the way it is.  So, I avoided that entire scenario by not even DATING men who had children under the age of 21.   You need to consider this option. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I am not reading this the exact same way as you three are.  I'm getting that for one day OP wants things to go her way for a change.  But that being said, there seems to be underlying issues esp this part: I just give up so much for them and my fiance.  Depending upon what it is that you have given up OP, it's what you signed up for. Lose the martyr complex.
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  • blush64blush64 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_future-stepchildren-not-included?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:6ed55b8f-655e-4f7a-9d66-e3f97e90b53bPost:dad82f11-97dc-44c1-ac3e-c825fa184052">Future StepChildren Not Included</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance has two children from his first marriage, 10 & 7, and we just had a son together. I have never been married and it is important for this day to be my "cinderella" day. I am never selfish, but I want this day to be our day. Due to not being married until another year I feel,<strong> even though we had said that his children could be the FG and RB, that our son should be the RB and his daughter is very developed beyond her age, and looks too old to be a FG. So I do not think they need those jobs. </strong> Is there a way to<strong> not put them in the ceremony</strong> but still give them a small job to make them feel they had some part? I am sorry if this sounds bad, I just give up so much for them and my fiance, that I feel<strong> I should have this day the way I want it</strong>. Please help!!!
    Posted by Aidan2011[/QUOTE]
    <strong>EDITED</strong> for spelling and to clarify <strong>Seriously, I read over everything again and I think this must be a joke or something.</strong> There are some bored people out there.

    Not to sound rude but if my FI came at me with that attitude I would<strong> not</strong> be marrying him.

    I suppose you could try to say how much you really love his kids and even though you want to kick them out of the ceremony it doesn't mean that you favour your own son. (who, of course, you DO want in the ceremony because without YOUR own son it wouldn't be the same) Think about how it sounds and how it looks and how it would feel to those children.

    I really hope that your FI stops the wedding unless your feelings and attitude change. You may not mean it to sound really bad but as a parent my first thought is to protect the kids from potential step-parents like you. 

    This is NOT you're day only, it's your FI's as well, and he has kids. He had kids before he was with you and he'll have kids if he leaves you. Since you knew that already it seems as though you should have had time to get used to it.

    You want your son there but not "his" kids. FIrst, they will be your step-kids not simply "his" kids. Second, that's horrible. <strong> How is including your son and not his kids ok? </strong>Because you want things to go your way? Sharing a very special day with all of your children, making you guys a family, that's important. <strong>Kicking his kids out of the ceremony and giving them pity jobs is not the way to start a happy family.

    EDIT AGAIN </strong>Ok maybe I am sensitive to this because I have kids and I am getting remarried and so I think of my own. Maybe you aren't as bad as it sounds. Please just read through and think if this is how it looks to all of us how will it look to the kids.  I am sure you don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel unwanted. Reassess your reasoning. Best wishes, I hope you work something out that benefits you and your kids. (natural and step)
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  • squarepeg72squarepeg72
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Children, no matter who they belong to, are work. They are a joy and a treasure and will comsume any free time that you thought you would have. My FH has no children and has never been married, but he treats my three (ages 18, 13, & 8) as his own. He often makes more of their events than their father does and they love him just the same. I have 2 flower girls adn no ring bearers. Your wedding party does not have to be even and you are not just creating a couple, you are creating a family. Not including your stepchildren will cause problems that you will never be able to recover from. Please reconsider not including all of your children in your wedding. Jr. bridesmaid and jr groomsman would work just as well as ring bearer and flower girl. Ask the children what they want to do and make them feel like they have a say in the creation of their new family
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  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I ABSOLUTELY knew this one was going to DD. Undecided  ~Donna
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I almost posted at the end of my response:  I sense a DD in 3. . . 2. . .

    But it's OK, because another respondent quoted the entire thing.  So, see, Aidan, you don't have control over the interwebz. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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