Stepkids

tropical.dreams · February 2011

My FI and I are long distance. He has 2 kids (age 6 and 7) from his first marriage that he has full custody of, but keeps them one full week and then she has them one full week, alternating. I have none.

Because I've never lived with children or even had them in my life for large stretches of time, I'm rather nervous about living with them. They're great kids, and it's a very amicable relationship with their mother, so I'm not worried about major things, it's more just me being worried about changing my "normal" and learning how to deal with their "normal". I admit, I have some quirks, having lived alone for 5 of the last 6 years, and I'm nervous that I'll be too high strung with them. (For example, I hate clutter because I grew up in a household that bordered on a hoarding environment; and since I've lived alone for so long, I'm not used to chaos and noise.)

Any tips on how you've dealt with the transition of living with step-kids when you're not used to having kids around or dealing with that parental role? I know that this is totally MY issue, that I can't expect to come in and change things, so I definitely need some pointers.

tjraines · February 2011

Even for those of us with children, adding additional children to the mix is an adjustment. Everyone has their our routines. Talk things over with your FI and let him know how you feel and what your concerns are. He can help make the adjustment easier for everyone. Good luck.

ChrislovesBarry · February 2011

OMG...this sounds like I could have written it. My FI has 2 boys 11 & 13 years old. I don't live with them either. It does scare me and I've joined a few Step-parenting message boards. But I feel a little weird because I get along pretty well with their mom...there's a lot of bitter step mom/ bio mom relationships out there.

Really, just communicate with your fiance. Have you discussed who's going to discipline? Who's paying for what?

It's a lot of unknown, but hopefully it will work out.

tropical.dreams · February 2011

Yeah, there's no animosity with their mom at all, and they work things out pretty well. FI says I'm overthinking things and that everything will be OK. He doesn't think my little quirks are that bad, so maybe I am overthinking it.

shytownkelly · February 2011

Good news! The kids are young enough that you can teach them the rules of your house. If clutter is one of your hot buttons - explain your expectations and teach them how to achieve them. While keeping YOUR expectations in line with their ages and abilities.

Accept that it will take time for you all to get used to each other. More time than you may expect.

Be fair - but consistent.

Don't try to be MOM, but you can be a mom-role. And don't take it personally if in anger they tell you "you aren't my mom"

I speak from both sides of the situation - I've had a stepmother since I was 5, and I am becoming a stepmother in a few short months too. My to be step-son is 15 though and well rules are just a challenge all the way around.

The fact that you are even concerned about how you'll do speaks volumes of the type of person you are - and you will do just fine!

ChrislovesBarry · February 2011

Roll with the punches. My future step sons...they are DIRTY boys...they take a shower and there is dirt everywhere! They used to touch the walls and I was going around cleaning them all the time. Then I decided, get a solid shower curtain and paint the walls dark. I've embraced their boyhood dirtiness...because when they are showered and smell good, we have some really special moments. That's what I live for.

Sue-n-Kevin · February 2011

The fact that you are even concerned about how you'll do speaks volumes of the type of person you are - and you will do just fine

Shytownkelly, I was thinking the same thing as I read this.

I have raised 2 kids of my own (now 16 and 23), and my fiance has 3 kids, but all adults.

Tropical Dreams, if you've already talked to your fiance about it, then I'd ask him if you, he and the kids can talk about it. Six and seven year olds are at the right age to "break in", and can understand that even though you are an adult, you have concerns that living together may be an adjustment for all of you, and you want them to be honest with you, and vice versa.

Kids are funny, sometimes they let stuff roll off their backs, other times they are nervous, or even belligerent. I'm a firm believer in actually talking to them, not AT them, about expectations and keeping communication open. The fact that your fiance's ex is not a "mom-zilla" is a plus.

FWIW, MY big adjustment will be actually having a man around on a daily basis... we live 40 miles apart and only see each other on weekends or vacations, LOL. It's been 10 years since I had a man around on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.

Marrin713 · February 2011

My H and his adult son have lived alone since his son was in early high school. I moved in 3 years ago. Okay, I raised a son so I know that no matter what, insanity and clutter just follow boys everywhere. But this is different - this is like living in a fvcking frat house. It's been 3 years and I am still not making much headway. I think once H and I sell this house (it belongs to him and his xW) and we get our own, it'll be different. While I feel at home here, I don't feel like I get to set down the rules and enforce them - #1 stepson is an adult and #2 I sometimes feel like "the interloper."

MikesAngie · February 2011

Kids...they are great and worth the sacrifice - even if they aren't your own. I haven't ever given birth but I'm a mom through and through and get lots of parenting in since I am a stay at home mom (being unemployed). I have an awesome relationship with my step-daughter-to-be. My "name" is Mom, and that is a recent development - but I don't mind.

Chaos, noise, behaviors that make you want to either scream or question - welcome to being a part-time mom. You will adjust to their quirks and they will adjust to yours. Once you start noticing that it's eerily quiet and fluffy isn't under foot you have just become a full time mom - and know your "children" are up to something. It will happen... Congratulations you have just become a "mom" through the circuitous route, avoiding morning sickness and stretch marks...

You and they will adapt... Just make sure you know the ground rules going in.

tropical.dreams · February 2011

Thanks, everyone! It's just scary as hell, basically barging in, lol (especially into the house that they shared with their mother). We're planning on building a house in about 5 years, and by then we'll hopefully have at least one of our own, so I know I'll get there over time, I'm just spazzing out now! Because we're long distance, I don't get to spend as much time with the kids as I'd like, since he comes here half the time, and when I go there the other half of the time, they're usually with their mom half of THAT time. I'd say in a year's time, I I may see them 3 or 4 times for a couple of days each. It's rough, because I don't really get much of a chance to really get to know them, so I think that maybe the unknown is scaring me more than anything? I don't know. when I tell him I'm nervous, he laughs and says, "Honey, they're not surly teenagers, if you let S paint your nails and play video games with A, you'll all get along great!"

I know I have to get used to the endless clutter everywhere, but I'm trying to convince myself that along with clutter comes the housefull of love that I've been missing for so long!

AbbeyS2011 · February 2011

Best advice I can give you........compromise. You do not like clutter, so explain that the main living areas need to be kept up, but give them some leeway in their bedrooms. Just take it one day at a time and you will do just fine!

Wish my FH was on here to talk to you - my 2 sons and I moved in with him over 2 years ago, and it was just him and the cat! I kept asking him if this was what he really wanted, and he kept saying yes, he was sure. I warned him that there would be adjustments, but they were few and far between. He is "Daddy" to my sons, and they are sooo excited that we are getting married! My youngest even went to him and asked - "So,when are you going to marry my Mom so we can be a family forever?" Brought tears to the man's eyes - picture a 6 ft tall long haired guy crying, and that is him.

BTW - congrats on your upcoming marriage!

Marrin713 · February 2011

Abbey - what IS that in your sig pic?

AbbeyS2011 · February 2011

It is ship wreckage - I am guessing you are asking about the pic on the right?

In 1906, a sailing ship called Peter Airedale shipwrecked off the Oregon coastline. That is the remains of the ship. It is now Fort Stevens National Park, and my parents took me and my brother and sisters there all the time as kids. My FH and I are HMing on the Oregon Coast in July, and that is one of the places I will take him.

The other pic is looking down to the Sea Lion Caves, the largest cave in the world where sea lions live and breed year-round. You can go into the cave and see them up close.

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