How should this be handled???

kjpage · January 2010

The problem is the wedding list. The future in-laws gave us a quick list of who they wanted to invite. When we finally got the addresses from them they had more than double the amount of people on the list. After some time, thought and trying to shave our now 215 person list down to a manageable size,100, we decided to ask the soon to be in-laws to make their list into an A and B list. This is were the trouble starts. At first my father in-law to be was all for it and totally understood. My Mother in-law to be, did not understand and was very mad! I knew she would be upset but she was mad! We worked through the list and got it down to manageable number. Now my father in-law to be, is calling and saying we need to add people back to the list. They think we should not invite friends so they can invite who they want. It would not be that bad if my fiance even knew the people!

There are two catches to this. First, the in-laws to be, offered to help with the wedding. We did not ask for their help! They wanted to! Because of this we have planned things to do with the wedding that are not us. The second catch is that we do not know if my father-in law will live to the wedding. Do we just roll with it and have a wedding and celebration of life. I have known and admired my soon to be In-laws for years but the guilt and anger they are giving us is to much for both my fiance and I.

My question to all of you is: are we wrong in asking them to make and stick with an A and B list. Does Etiquette apply here and what is it?

Also we have talked about telling them to keep their money but does that solve anything?

KentuckyKate · January 2010

I have no advice, but I just posted a very similar question on my club board. I asked his mother for a 75 person guestlist and this afternoon she emailed me a 200 person guestlist. And she is not paying. I went apeshit.

Etiquette people, please advise!

shellydiane820 · January 2010

If they are paying for the wedding, they do have some say on the guestlist, however I do think its rude if they don't take what you and your fi want into consideration. You'll have to find a way to compromise, or pay for the wedding yourself and pick the guestlist.

MCarmine · January 2010

First off, are they paying for the whole wedding or just part of it?

If they are paying for everything then they can invite whoever they want. But if you are paying for a majority of it then it's up to you who you invite. After all, it is YOUR wedding.

I'm sure you have a budget you need to work with and size restrictions with your venue. That might help if you need reasons why they need to cut the list.

You should sit down and go over everything with them. If telling them to keep the money is the only thing you can do, so be it. But that might cause more problems.

LSandTT2010 · January 2010

You are not out of line to ask them to make an A list and a B list. If you were wanting a 100 person wedding then you are totally in the right to ask them to cut the list, if they would like for it to be a 215 person wedding I would tell them they need to pay for the extra people. I don't know if that is proper etiquette but it is what I would do. I would tell them that if they cut the list to 100 people you may not need to ask them for money.
It is your wedding have who YOU want there they had their wedding they had their quests, especially if your Fiance doesn't know the people I don't really know if that is appropriate. If your in-laws truely love you then they should be ok with allowing you to have your wedding be about you.

Sorry if that is a little harsh but I can totally relate to your situation!

JessAndTrav · January 2010

My FIL and MIL have us a list that brought our guest list to 400.

I was so frustrated and didn't know what to do. They paid for half of the wedding, while my family paid for the other half. We were planning to have about 200 people, and we decided that we'd distribute guests. Including family members for both sides, DH and I listed 100ish people to invite. We found out who my family wanted to invite (which was under 10 non-related people) and then added a few people that we were wanting to invite, then told his parents that they had to narrow it down to X number.

They did, and it all worked out. I've been there. Just be patient, but keep pushing for them to cut if they're excessive. Remind them that it's a wedding, not a reunite-with-everyone-you've-ever-met party.

kjpage · January 2010

Thanks for all the input! They are not paying for all of the wedding they are contributing. It bothers me that strings are attached. And I do feel that turning down their help will only make things worse. We are at this point sticking to our guns and not adding people as they ask. We have gone over venue size limits and cost it is so frustrating! Thanks again I just wanted to make sure I was not missing something.

kjpage · January 2010

Apeshit! I love it!

I don't understand why it has to be that way. You do need to sit down and talk with them. I wish you better luck than what I am having. I know they are mad today but hopefully they will get over it by the wedding. Good luck.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

Well, I think A/B lists end up being rude, but I think it's reasonable to just cut the guest list.

It really depends on how much they are contributing. If they gave you a substantial amount of money toward the whole thing, you're pretty much stuck getting them to agree on guest list cuts or turning down their money. If they gave you a small amount to pay for something specific (like flowers), their contribution doesn't have as much pull.

As always, money comes with strings. They offered to help pay, and they probably did so with the assumption that helping money was going to get them some say.

sucrets4 · January 2010

A/B lists are rude. What are planning on doing with those lists? If you say "inviting the B list people after/if A list people decline" then it's an awful, awful idea. How would you feel if you found out that x people were invited before you?

Yes, they do get some say if they're giving you money. It sucks that they're being crappy about it, but that's really what you agreed to if you are taking their money.

You need to sit down and negotiate a number that's fair for everyone. You have already given them an open number, so you need to deal with it now. Good luck and I hope people start being more cooperative!

weddingbells2010 · January 2010

A/B lists are not rude- the guests do not know which list they were on! Just don't send out a second round of invites to B list people if you suddenly have room for them. It's simply a planning tool- who MUST be at our wedding, and who do we WANT there if room and price permits? Asking inlaws to do this helps you figure out who you can cut if you need to.

Anyway, after rmy fiance and i made our list of family and friends, we had X number of seats remaining for each set of parents to invite a few more if they so chose. If they wanted more than X number, they had to pay for them. We are paying for the bulk of the wedding, our rules.

IN terms of the wedding not being "you", I totally hear that. Make it about you as muc has possible, but be open to some things that might not be "you" if it makes your family happy but doesn't compromise who you are. For example, my mother wants desperately for me to wear a cathederal length veil for the ceremony... i dont care in the least, so I agreed to make her happy, and now she's off my back about other things!

How should this be handled???

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