What to do for the Stag & Doe?

becca846 · July 2010

Ok, so here's my dilema...

FIL's offered their shed (well actually they said it would give them an excuse to build a new one haha) for us to use for our Stag and Doe, which would be great becuase it would save us a TON of money (we wouldn't have to get a liquor liscence, or pay for a hall rental, or pay the levy fee on the alcohol). BUT, that means we would have to have it in like October (instead of the Jan or Feb that it would normally be in - since we're getting married in May), which doesn't really give them a whole lot of time to build a hug garage thingy. Also, all of the lighting that would have to go outside in order for people to see woudl be a big undertaking, and who knows how much that would cost, also where to put all the games so people will see them and play them...

So the question is, should I go with having it at the house (which might save us some money but will be a lot more work), or do I just go with having it at the community centre like everyone else (which might cost us a bit more up front, but will be a lot less work)
I'm leaning towards just renting the hall, we're still going to make money either way, so I'd go for less work haha.

Any thoughts?

KatyRoseM · July 2010

My understanding is that you shouldn't be hosting this at all. So let whoever is throwing it for you two decide.

trix1223 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:53b9110d-2922-47cc-82a3-efda9a79b783Post:104614d7-f8d9-4ca3-bb5d-76b644d0e994">What to do for the Stag & Doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so here's my dilema... FIL's offered their shed (well actually they said it would give them an excuse to build a new one haha) for us to use for our Stag and Doe, which would be great becuase it would save us a TON of money (we wouldn't have to get a liquor liscence, or pay for a hall rental, or pay the levy fee on the alcohol). BUT, that means we would have to have it in like October (instead of the Jan or Feb that it would normally be in - since we're getting married in May), which doesn't really give them a whole lot of time to build a hug garage thingy. Also, all of the lighting that would have to go outside in order for people to see woudl be a big undertaking, and who knows how much that would cost, also where to put all the games so people will see them and play them... So the question is, should I go with having it at the house (which might save us some money but will be a lot more work), or do I just go with having it at the community centre like everyone else (which might cost us a bit more up front, but will be a lot less work) I'm leaning towards just renting the hall, we're still going to make money either way, so I'd go for less work haha. Any thoughts?
Posted by becca846[/QUOTE]

Questions about stag & does don't generally go over well on these boards. Just getting you ready for some negative feedback.

Because, while I understand that they're a regional thing, I think holding fund-raisers for weddings is appalling. Simply appalling.

I would never host one, and would certainly not attend one, so I can't answer your question at all.

My purpose here was to warn you that the answers probably won't be at all what you're hoping/expecting to hear.

SuMmErKuTiE · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:53b9110d-2922-47cc-82a3-efda9a79b783Post:1656a470-7129-4f79-b948-9ed66388e91f">Re: What to do for the Stag & Doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]My understanding is that you shouldn't be hosting this at all. So let whoever is throwing it for you two decide.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

Ditto this exactly. Has anyone offered to host this for you and your FI? If not, it'll look very tacky/rude to be hosting it yourselves. You shouldn't throw a party in honor of yourself especially if it's a party where gifts and/or money is given.

deepcovejackie · July 2010

A stag and doe is a wedding fundraiser?? Well now I've heard everything! What's the premise? How is money raised?

trix1223 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:53b9110d-2922-47cc-82a3-efda9a79b783Post:14e308a9-5cd8-46fb-80c9-024bc86f5fa4">Re: What to do for the Stag & Doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to do for the Stag & Doe? : Ditto this exactly. Has anyone offered to host this for you and your FI? If not, it'll look very tacky/rude to be hosting it yourselves. You shouldn't throw a party in honor of yourself especially if it's a party where gifts and/or money is given.
Posted by SuMmErKuTiE[/QUOTE]

summer: Maybe I'm wrong by it sounds like you're thinking that this like a pre-wedding party in most of the US. But a stag and doe is not like another pre-wedding party in most of the US.

They are popular in Canada and England, and the B&G can specifically host it. They sell admission tickets, have games of chance, and have food and drink available for purchase. There's often a band and dancing. The sole purpose of them is to be a fund-raising event to pay for the coming wedding.

I still think they're appalling, but these are held in addition to other pre-wedding parties: showers and b-parties. Here's the wiki explanation:

<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stag_and_doe" rel="nofollow">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stag_and_doe</a>

Yep: a fundraiser to pay for a wedding. Then you ask those same people to come to a shower and bring a gift. Then to a wedding and bring a gift. Yeah=-not my style. Nor anyone else that I know.

quotequeen · July 2010

I mean... if you're having a fundraising party for your wedding, does the etiquette of who's hosting it really make a difference to the overall rudeness?

deepcovejackie · July 2010

Yep agreed!

becca846 · July 2010

you're right trix, they are very popular here in Canada, I haven't been in or a part of a wedding since I was like 18 that didn't have a stag and doe. They are just a fun way for everyone who knows the bride and groom (even those who wouldn't be able to come to the wedding - even friends of friends) to get together for drinks and games and just an overall good time. In terms of people coming (I enjoy going to them) you spend around the same amount of money as you would at a bar, but you get more drinks for that price as well as the opportunity to win prizes, plus it is supporting the bride and groom. I would be more apt to spend $60 having a good time at a stag & doe than at a bar - becuase I know that the money is at least going to someone who needs it.

Stag and Doe's are only thrown by young couples who aer paying for their weddings themselves. You would never throw one if the parents were paying for it, or if you were an older more established couple. Etiher the wedding party or the bride & groom (or either parents) can throw it. In my eyes if you're the one making the money off of it, then you need to be the one to pay for it.

I'm surprised that no one in the States do them, becuase here they are the norm, in fact we've had almost as many questions regarding the S&D as the actual wedding.

trix1223 · July 2010

becca: I know what a stag and doe is. Your explanation didn't change my mind at all. I don't care that it's the same amount I'd spend at a bar, or for dinner out with friends. That's not the issue.

The issue, here in the states, is that you don't spend money that you don't have. So if you don't have the $$ for a PPD wedding, you don't have a PPD wedding. You have what you can afford without hitting your friends up to pay for a party.

A wedding can be a trip to the courthouse for a JOP ceremony: cost $100. It can be a church wedding with a cake and punch reception in the church fellowship hall and it can go up from there to a platinum wedding.

My issue is that a couple figures out what they CAN afford, and then they make their decisions based on WANTS vs. NEEDS. And because they're adults, they also make their decisions based on what they can afford. Because that's what grown-ups do.

You said it yourself. It's only young couples who can't afford what they want who hit up their friends and family to pay for the wedding they can't afford on their own.

You're never going to convince me that this is a good idea, and I sadly won't convince you that this is a bad idea. So we'll have to agree to disagree.

becca846 · July 2010

Agreeing to disagree sounds great, becuase we are having the same wedding we would have with or without the S&D - and not go in to debt

Rerandall · July 2010

I am falling off my chair laughing right now!

I apologize for my Canadian friend, and our audacity to follow tradition....
Where WE come from, our family & community LOVE the opportunity to gather and play games, gamble, drink and celebrate the soon-to-be married couple.
It's not billed as a "fundraiser". It's not meant to be offensive.

It's a huge party, you feed your guests WELL, and they share the night with you to celebrate your upcoming nuptuals!

I've been to dozens of Stag & Doe's for people that I don't even know. Friends or friends, or family of friends, or coworkers children, etc. I always viewed it as a way to support the couple. I was happy to know I supported the couple on their way to making those ever so important vows to each other and sharing in their plans for their future together. I was so happy and felt so supported when the community came out to my S & G. We all know & understand that weddings are a big undertaking, and we happliy partake in a party to raise a little money for the couple, and have a LOT of fun with friends and dance and drink and enjoy each others company.

Different countries have different customs, especially in regards to weddings. I'm just surprised that everyone was so quick to dismiss the idea and throw in ideas about what is "proper" for a wedding, or pre-wedding party. It's not that the couple is too "poor" or suppor their own wedding, it's just that we do things a little different here. It's too bad the idea gets thrown to the wind because it is not the American way of doing things....I thank God everyday that Canadians do things differently and support each other so whole heartedly. Maybe you guys should try it. Maybe you'd see how nice it is to have that spirit before your wedding day. Maybe then some of our "crazy" ideas (like free health care...???) would catch on.
I'm still laughing! What a stupid thing for everyone to be so passionate about...aren't there other more important things to spend you time on?
LOL!

deepcovejackie · July 2010

Hm...and I'm from Canada. I've never heard of it until right now.

Rerandall · July 2010

OMG my spelling is atrocious!

quotequeen · July 2010

Yes, clearly Americans don't support each other because we don't expect to throw ourselves parties for the purpose of having other people pay for our weddings. ::eye roll::

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:53b9110d-2922-47cc-82a3-efda9a79b783Post:fbf2223e-fceb-4e17-942a-9bac402ef9c5">Re: What to do for the Stag & Doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am falling off my chair laughing right now! I apologize for my Canadian friend, and our audacity to follow tradition.... Where WE come from, our family & community LOVE the opportunity to gather and play games, gamble, drink and celebrate the soon-to-be married couple. It's not billed as a "fundraiser". It's not meant to be offensive. It's a huge party, you feed your guests WELL, and they share the night with you to celebrate your upcoming nuptuals! I've been to dozens of Stag & Doe's for people that I don't even know. Friends or friends, or family of friends, or coworkers children, etc. I always viewed it as a way to support the couple. I was happy to know I supported the couple on their way to making those ever so important vows to each other and sharing in their plans for their future together. I was so happy and felt so supported when the community came out to my S & G. We all know & understand that weddings are a big undertaking, and we happliy partake in a party to raise a little money for the couple, and have a LOT of fun with friends and dance and drink and enjoy each others company. Different countries have different customs, especially in regards to weddings. I'm just surprised that everyone was so quick to dismiss the idea and throw in ideas about what is "proper" for a wedding, or pre-wedding party. It's not that the couple is too "poor" or suppor their own wedding, it's just that we do things a little different here. It's too bad the idea gets thrown to the wind because it is not the American way of doing things....I thank God everyday that Canadians do things differently and support each other so whole heartedly. Maybe you guys should try it. Maybe you'd see how nice it is to have that spirit before your wedding day. Maybe then some of our "crazy" ideas (like free health care...???) would catch on. I'm still laughing! What a stupid thing for everyone to be so passionate about...aren't there other more important things to spend you time on? LOL!
Posted by Rerandall[/QUOTE]

<strong>It's a huge party, you feed your guests WELL, </strong>
If they didn't throw the stag and doe party, then they'd be saving money. It just sounds like an excuse to have a party and ask for even more money from your guests.

If you can't afford the wedding, you shouldn't have it. And if you can afford the wedding, then why are you having a stag and doe party?

trix1223 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_stag-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:53b9110d-2922-47cc-82a3-efda9a79b783Post:40bab1b8-b665-40e2-bbd1-80c49be8499d">Re: What to do for the Stag & Doe?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, clearly Americans don't support each other because we don't expect to throw ourselves parties for the purpose of having other people pay for our weddings. ::eye roll::
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

QQ: thanks. I was trying to figure out how to word a reply to that post. And you did it perfectly. So I'll just ditto what you said.

I also don't understand that person who said that they CAN afford their wedding. Then why charge people to come to a party? That just doesn't make any sense to me all.

chrissydv · July 2010

I'm from southern Ontario and this is very common in my area. However, I don't enjoy them at all and rarely attend, and my FI and I have emphatically declared to our wedding party that we DO NOT WANT ONE!

Then again, most of my close circle of friends don't really drink, so fund-raising is more annoying- I really don't want to pay $5 to play an annoying game or see the bride throw pies at the groom. With my friends who like to drink on the weekends and would rather buy their beer to support their soon-to-be-wed friends than the bar down the street, they tend to work much better. Not my thing though.

swrathbone · June 2011

its not like you make a ton of money and it pays for your wedding. Its more like you pay to go drink beer eat food gamble and party. You are lucky to make a couple bucks a ticket. Most of the money goes to the alcohol, food and Prizes. Mostly LCBO gift cards.(Liquer Store), tools for the guys, spa packages for the ladies, and a little of everything else

banana468 · June 2011

Why are you digging up year old posts??

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