I'm getting married in NYC in October. My future mother-in-law has offered to throw us a summer engagement party in Vermont, which is where my fiance is from. For her, the party has two purposes -- (1) to allow a celebration with those to-be-invited Vermont wedding guests who won't be able to make the actual NYC event (such as an elderly grandmother), and (2) to see some long-lost friends and relatives and get them to know me, the new person to the family.
Although she's very sweet for doing this, you can see the impending problem: she wants to invite people to this party that me and my fiance barely know, hadn't planned on inviting to our wedding, and, frankly, don't want to have at our wedding (for cost concerns, and just the fact that we don't want strangers there). Which is poor manners. But when I raised this issue with my fiance and FMIL, both looked at me like I was crazy. In fact, faced with the idea that she couldn't invite anyone beyond to-be-invited guests, my FMIL said "Well that was half the point of the party!"
I'm trying to figure out how to handle this so I can be polite to the guests but also not ruffle any more FMIL feathers. So, what if I asked her to do two things: (1) Call this just a "summer" party, not an engagement party, although she will probably still tout the idea that me and my fiance will be there to see everyone and probably still have a "Congratulations Bride and Groom" cake, and (2) if anyone asks about gifts, state that we prefer no gifts. Does that work? Any other ideas?