I really just need to vent for a second..

MandyP86 · April 2010

My FI just doesn't get it.. He called me on his lunch today just to say hi and I was really excited to tell him that the caterer emailed me back a menu proposal! So I'm trying to tell him and he actually flat out told me "I really don't want to hear about this, you'll just change your mind a million more times." He then proceeded to go on about how he has to hear something new about the wedding everyday (which he doesn't). Everytime I try to get him involved he just doesn't want to be bothered, he tells me it's my day and I should plan it how I want it. It's soooo frustrating!!

Sorry about the rant! But thanks for listening :-)

526SadieSadie · April 2010

ARGH.

AlexiaANDRobert · April 2010

As someone that's gone through it, yeah, I did change the menu a bunch of times and Robert wasn't really all that interested in colors and details.

He had a few things we wanted to have input in: Music, final food tastings, bar choices, cake, and what type of tux he had to wear. The rest was up to me.

It doesn't mean they don't care, IMO, they just don't care. Not in an I don't care cause I don't love you but I don't care cause I really don't pay attention to those details.

Theknot was a great outlet because no one minded if you wanted to talk about your wedding 24/7.

My best advice is to set aside wedding time and non wedding time. It was REALLY important to us to have time where we didn't answer questions about the wedding or discuss wedding things.

mb2712 · April 2010

I agree completely with Alexia. I do a lot of my wedding talk on here on TK, but I only involve FI in things that he WANTS to be involved in. Many times he's said... Just tell me where and when to show up, and I will. Obviously he's not one hundred percent serious, but if I did, I'm sure he would be grateful. There are lots of wedding things that they won't be interested in. Such is planning a wedding...

MandyP86 · April 2010

Great advice ladies.. Thanks :-) Funny thing.. As I was getting ready to type this FI text me and said "I do care about that stuff love, as long as you're happy I'm happy".. Well now wouldn't it have just been easier to listen to the menu in the first place?! Haha..

AlexiaANDRobert · April 2010

Oh, another thing I did was keep an open email window open so I'd write things out as they came to mind.

One email is much easier than 6 phone calls - if that makes sense.

Plus, it's all written down and you can remember what you did or didn't talk about or explain or mention or what ideas you had.

Good luck and happy planning! Take it slow, you've got A LOT of time.

bbyckes · April 2010

That's all you need to hear (referring to your FI's text). It gets frustrating, but my FI has really taken a hands off approach - which is nice some of the time and not so nice other times. Cut him some slack. Talk to your friends, the knot or your mom.

MISSCOURTNEY20 · April 2010

Yes it would have.

Hope you feel better now! Happy planning! And as long as you are happy, I am sure he will be smiling too.

luckyme502 · April 2010

Your FI has a point. You are still over a year from your wedding. Lots of decisions will be made and changed. Also, most of the time grooms are not as into the wedding as the brides. You are going to have many conversations with your FI when he just doesn't care.

kristend72 · April 2010

I agree with PPs. The guys just aren't always as likely to be excited about the wedding part. But the good part is that they're excited about the getting married part. Talk to Knot people and your bridesmaids endlessly about this stuff. Then, try to schedule in one 'wedding meeting' per week with him. Save up all of your wedding stuff (except for things that come up and need answers pronto) and put it into this meeting. This would, of course, be better received and more fun if you did it over something like happy hour. And, remind him that wedding planning usually is busy busy in the beginning while you're snagging vendors and that there will be a lull.

AmandalovesAl · April 2010

My FI has a million things on his place, not including wedding stuff...so sometimes he is in the mood to talk about it, sometimes not...i just try and read him and make sure we have wonderful 'non wedding related' time together

andy71781 · April 2010

My FI enjoys "rubber stamping" things - meaning that I decide and he tells me if its stupid. We also have a "no talking about the wedding during dinner policy." He sounds like a jerk but its actually good to instill balance. I like to talk about my wedding a lot so I love TK and my BMs because they let me talk about it. Only one of my BMs has threatned to send me to "Bride Rehab."

JennaV26 · April 2010

FI cares about certain aspects (the menu, the cakes, the tuxes... the end) but most of the time when I ask for an opinion I get "eh, I don't care," and everyone else is right! It's not that he doesn't care about the wedding it's just that he doesn't need all those tiny little details that we obsess over to have a perfect wedding.

Lsst week I started having mini panic attacks over the china we registered for and I dragged FI with me back to Dillard's to find a new pattern and guess what? He ONLY liked the pattern we had already chosen which I had slowly begun to absolutely DESPISE while in the store. I picked a pattern I loved, he hated it, the sales associate convinced us that he will never care about the china as much as I do so we went with it. Then I felt slightly guilty for picking a pattern he didn't like even though he told me to.

It's situations like that that make me grateful that he lets me decide every other aspect of this wedding!!

NickDanielleB · April 2010

These posts are great! I made a deal with mine - I told him he could be in charge of the reception music (with my final approval before we give it to the DJ) if he participated in more of the decisions. It worked like a charm. Not only do I not have to worry about the music (we both have the same taste) but he is actively participating in the decision process because I found something he could be interested in - its that whole give and take thing that we're working on.

mandy127 · May 2010

I feel for you because I am going through the same thing.

Neiliec · May 2010

When we egaged my FI didn't want any part in the planning. At first I took it personal and was very upset- I thought that meant that he didn't care about our wedding. I've learned from many of my married friends that they went through the same thing. My FI told me that he just wants me to be happy and have the wedding of my dreams. Now I'm having fun doing the planning knowing that the whole thing will be a surprise to him and he'll see in the end how much time and effort I put into it.

lkschaffnit · May 2010

Anyone whose fiance is willing to just show up is lucky. Mine says he wants to be involved, but doesn't do any of the stuff I ask him to do (e.g. prioritising his side of the guest list). It's INFURIATING. If he wants to be included then get involved. Don't just sit there and tell me that he wants to be included. ARGH! He doesn't seem to realise that this causes me MORE stress. When I offer to let him beg out on things like colour schemes and things, he acts all offended like I don't want his input...he just doesn't put anything in! You can't expect to be included if you're not willing to help with any of the work. And it's not like he's paying for it (my parents are quite traditional in their willingness to pay for the wedding), so it's not like i'm spending his money without telling him. It's so bloody infuriating!

Sorry. Can't vent to anyone else.

Festiva · May 2010

I understand your frustration...and why you may even feel hurt by his comeback.

I too experienced this- and it was soooooo disheartening!!! Finally I began to do the planning without him and only include him in those areas I KNOW he wants to be in...which are few and far between. He is much happier to offer an opinion now because I so rarely ask for it and he's even more excited about the wedding then ever before. ME TOO!!!
Yes- the wedding day isn't all about the bride, it is both of your day. But obviosly he wants you to choose what you want....and he feels confident and comfortable that if it's your dream then it will be perfect for him too. Besides, how relieving it is to not have to include another's opinion in ev-er-y-thing...you end up pretty frustrated if he has input on everything (believe me).

It's not worth a fight...in my experience, just do the bulk of the decision making if he prefers it that way...and you will feel better too.

Sparkling Medusa · May 2010

I feel your pain for sure. My FI has declared from the beginning that he's not worried about most of the wedding plans. He'll speak his mind about some things but not really about others. He loves music so I've made sure to consult him about that and a few other things he has opinions about.

Ultimately I do what I need to do to plan the wedding and I take full advantage of the one hour a week that he's willing to talk about wedding things. Other than that I don't talk wedding stuff unless it involves his money or his wardrobe or his family.

It's worked out well so far! At first I was hurt but now understand that he's a man and that's how he rolls.

RochelleAnn2302 · May 2010

pp: agreed. don't tell my boss

fertilj41 · May 2010

Okay so I agree with most of the comments posted. My FI is the same way. He did not want to hear anything about wedding planning, just give him a tux and tell him where to stand. But that was difficult for me because I'm planning our wedding from a distance since our wedding is in my home town of Miami and I'm in Nashville. I will say we have had many discussions, and he has been a lot better about the whole thing.

I suggest talking to your FI and setting aside specific times that are "wedding talk allowed time". Also ask him to be totally honest about what he would really care about if it wasn't what he expected. Then ask him up to how much can he honestly tolerate, because let's face it, you're going to talk about wedding regardless, especially if he's one of your best friends. Lastly, I would say as time gets closer, he may get more involved, at least mine has. Once he saw how much time and effort I have put into this day, he has been more than willing to help me out to ease things for me. And yes, he does give me ALL the credit. Lastly, use your other resources, i.e. this website, your bridesmaids, mom, sisters, etc... that's what they're there for

!

And remember they've never ever thought about this day, heck they don't even understand the need for such a big event. If it was up to them, we would all have civil ceremonies!!! So let's give them a break, we have been thinking about this day since we were the age of 2 (as Fi would say).

CLaning84 · May 2010

I am having the same issue! I got a suggestion from another bride to plan 30 minute once a week planning meetings with my FI. I have a printed agenda and keep things very brief. I gather everything I need to talk about with him and he has to promise not to complain. It's working so far but we still have a year to suffer, err, I mean plan. :-)

joc00p · May 2010

my fiance doesn't even want to have a wedding!!!!

he says he doesn't like being the centre of attention (despite his extroverted personality) and would prefer to just wake up married tomorrow morning.
he doesn't want to be involved in the planning because he'd rather not plan anything, but he's obviously sucking it up for my sake.

let's hope to goodness that he's not stressed on the day, coz that will ruin everything!

chuygrl77 · May 2010

As everyone else has stated, FI's just aren't into the details. I love my guy, he's great, he has his opinions and it's great when he shares them with me but I have come to absolutely adore my FMIL for putting up with my need to talk about the wedding or see the dress (it's stored at her house) and where would I be without TK...I get to talk about my plans and make more plans any time I want. It's a great relief to me and to my FI who just doesn't want to talk about it all the time.

mnsu44 · May 2010

Ahhh, it's so nice to know that EVERYONE else is experiencing the same thing! For some reason guys totally don't understand how much is involved in planning a wedding, how much time it takes, organization, details, etc. My FI seems to think this all can be done overnight (which used to bug me but now I think it's funny). But he's been wonderful about going to meet with vendors, even though he had trouble staying awake last weekend when we met with a justice of the peace for almost 2 hours! Even I thought that was a bit much. But it seems that all guys really just want us to be happy with our day and I think it's great that they are so willing to let us run with it, I know I could never let someone plan my wedding for me. I try to be careful about how often I talk about wedding stuff - in the beginning it was a lot but now I just sprinkle it in here and there and only what's necessary. I'm assuming they get more excited as the day gets closer, right?

shelchristian · May 2010

Good luck to you. My fiance and I have been planning our beautiful, elaborate, and large wedding (due to me having 34 first cousins) etc for a year and a half . During the planning process we had a few gliches but doesn't everyone! I absoultely love what I have done with my creativity for my wedding with beautiful colors of blue and purples along with lots of bling, my finance doesn;t even know about!

He too was involved in only so much of our planning, (deciding on the wedding reception, church preparation, food choices, and of course the music selections) as he plays music on the side. Anyway he told me it is all about the "bride" too! But
in time realized that he wanted to have a say and make decisions with me. It will all work out for you, but try not to talk about wedding stuff everyday! It will drive him batty!!!!

Good luck to you!!!

The future and soon to be Mrs. Schaefer

Two months and three weeks away! July 31st, 2010

jonasandrenee · May 2010

My boy just told me last night he is not good at the practical things and bascially would rather pay someone do everything for us so he doesn't have to worry, but basically doesn't want to do anything himself, but we haven't done anything yet!

We are having 2 'weddings' as we're from 2 different countries and the first is in november in my hometown on the other side of the world for which I've booked the venue, church and and deciding on caterer now BUT THEN we're supposed to have a confirmation of vows and party here in his country but he can't even decide when its going to be let alone help me find a venue! its because we're not sure if his family can come or not to the first wedding (loing story) so he doesn't know if we should hold it soon after in January or wait to summer and he keeps changing his mind, First it was January, then summer, then March, then summer again and now he's confused again!

I've only been living here in his country about 4 years and don't know anything about the churches here or any venues and I'm a little overwhelmed that I'm gloing to have to organise everything here too.

I love him to bits and I know he is excited about the wedding and getting married, but I understand all of you that it is up to us to keep all the excitment and drama of organising to the messageboards instead of sharing with husband to be.

I really just need to vent for a second..

Re: I really just need to vent for a second..

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