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Moms and Maids

FMIL Advice...

First, advanced apologies because I'm typing this on my cell and sometimes it does some weird things with spacing. Also, going to try to keep it from getting too lengthy...

My FI and I have been together for about 8 and a half years. He has never been close with his mom. I have never been close with his mom. My family is very lovey and close, and his is much more distant. I tried for a long time to create a strong relationship with her, but she has never made any effort or really responded to my efforts. Which is fine. We dont have a bad relationship, we just don't have a relationship.

I have tried from the beginning to include her in small wedding stuff. Just like opinions on invites, asking if certain traditions were important to her, etc. And she has always been rude or acted uninterested. So I kind stopped trying. We still run things by her, but not every little detail.

FI told me last night that she approached him and told him she feels left out. Because I went shopping with my mom for her MOB dress and she wasnt invited. We havent done anything together in 8 years. 8 YEARS!

I just feel like I dont know where to go from here. This lady have never tried to be close with me or made any effort to make me feel a part of their family. A wedding does not change all of that.

How much would you ladies include her in? Very little? A lot more?

FI says he understands where I'm coming from, but at the same time I know he feels bad for her bc she's his mom. She's just such a negative woman, I dont want her to drag down this happy time.

Re: FMIL Advice...

  • You already tried and she wasn't happy- it's very possible that she's just one of those people who is always negative and complaining about something.  If that's the case, you don't need to go out of your way to try and accommodate her- you'll just have to be okay with knowing that she's unhappy with you sometimes.  If you do feel the need to reach out to her, maybe you could offer to go MOG dress shopping with her- an afternoon or two shouldn't be too unbearable, and she can't complain that you aren't putting in an effort with her.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Your fi should have told his mom that neither of you thought that she was interested in the wedding details.

    You could ask her if she would like you to go shopping with her for her dress and then meet up with fi for lunch. If that goes well, you could include her in other things. If it doesn't, then at least you gave it a shot.
                       
  • Thanks for the advice ladies. Im going to spend a day shopping with her and have her help with some of the smaller DIY details. If it were my parents feeling this way I know FI would do the same for them.
  • So why isnt HE offering up any wedding information? 
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • In Response to Re:FMIL Advice...:[QUOTE]So why isnt HE offering up any wedding information?nbsp; Posted by Ilumine[/QUOTE]

    Probably because most men would rather lose a finger than shop with their mothers for ribbons and flowers.

    Bless mu husband, he wanted to help, but he was also useless for colors. It's all just blue to him where it was robin egg and cerulean to me.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5d856bbf-c16f-43fb-93ee-939380e9d93fPost:71922cf4-4b41-4aeb-8e57-7cc130e66bc0">Re:FMIL Advice...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:FMIL Advice...: Probably because most men would rather lose a finger than shop with their mothers for ribbons and flowers. Bless mu husband, he wanted to help, but he was also useless for colors. It's all just blue to him where it was robin egg and cerulean to me.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]


    Lol. Yes, this. We  stood in JoAnns the other day for 40 minutes comparing two different types of lace... poor guy tried but he just didn't care to differentiate between the patterns, nor could he see why it was so crucial for me to decide when they looked the same to him...
    We do try to offer up info and he fills her in about decisions, but I think she wants to be included more in the process and not just told what we ended up with.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5d856bbf-c16f-43fb-93ee-939380e9d93fPost:1b2e9d8a-3da3-412f-8602-4309089e23d4">Re: FMIL Advice...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're doing the right thing.  We're here if you need us.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Thank you :) I appreciate that.
  • The groom's family hosts the RD.  Your FMIL should be up to her eyeballs in scheduling tasting visits to potential RD locations, doing the tasting visits, choosing a venue, settng all the contract details like menu and napkin color, choosing invitations - getting them printed - addressed/stamped - mailed, getting RSVPs back, etc. 

    Have your FI go work with her on this project.  It's much bigger than it seems.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5d856bbf-c16f-43fb-93ee-939380e9d93fPost:71922cf4-4b41-4aeb-8e57-7cc130e66bc0">Re:FMIL Advice...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:FMIL Advice...: Probably because most men would rather lose a finger than shop with their mothers for ribbons and flowers. Bless mu husband, he wanted to help, but he was also useless for colors. It's all just blue to him where it was robin egg and cerulean to me.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    Outside of the totally sexist and marginalistic view of men and weddings, that actually did not answer the question I asked the OP.

    Even if your FI did not participate in decision making process, why isnt HE being the gatekeeper of the information and process?  I mean he SHOULD know what is going on in his own wedding, right?

    Even if is he totally useless in picking colors, he was asked for his opinions and he COULD have relayed that to his mother for her input right?  Just like the Bride asked her mother and her friends and her family for opinions along the way...
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • ksblumbksblumb member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5d856bbf-c16f-43fb-93ee-939380e9d93fPost:b3e0f53e-5a8c-4680-9698-ff2e3af35594">Re:FMIL Advice...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:FMIL Advice... : Outside of the totally sexist and marginalistic view of men and weddings, that actually did not answer the question I asked the OP. Even if your FI did not participate in decision making process, why isnt HE being the gatekeeper of the information and process?  I mean he SHOULD know what is going on in his own wedding, right? Even if is he totally useless in picking colors, he was asked for his opinions and he COULD have relayed that to his mother for her input right?  Just like the Bride asked her mother and her friends and her family for opinions along the way...
    Posted by Ilumine[/QUOTE]

    Fair enough. He is actually involved in all parts of the wedding and decisions made, and is more than capable of giving his mom the run-down. However, I think it's more the fact that I'm doing stuff with others besides FI (my mom, sister, dad, brother, BMs..) and not including her in that stuff.

    Either way, she feels left out so I'm going to put in more of an effort.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5d856bbf-c16f-43fb-93ee-939380e9d93fPost:b461ebf1-191d-40e7-9806-94d55be3274d">Re: FMIL Advice...</a>:
    [QUOTE]The groom's family hosts the RD.  Your FMIL should be up to her eyeballs in scheduling tasting visits to potential RD locations, doing the tasting visits, choosing a venue, settng all the contract details like menu and napkin color, choosing invitations - getting them printed - addressed/stamped - mailed, getting RSVPs back, etc.  Have your FI go work with her on this project.  It's much bigger than it seems.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]


    This is just plain wrong.
    The groom's family may offer to host the RD.
    If so, she can do so without being up to her eyeballs.
  • ksblumbksblumb member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5d856bbf-c16f-43fb-93ee-939380e9d93fPost:343b06bc-7362-4d6c-8f58-63d7de91a29f">Re: FMIL Advice...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL Advice... : This is just plain wrong. The groom's family may offer to host the RD. If so, she can do so without being up to her eyeballs.
    Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

    We are actually having a small wedding of about only 50 guests, and are hosting it by ourselves for the most part (my parents have generously offerend to pitch in)... So his parents will not do the tradtional hosting of the rehearsal dinner. It will also be a more casual family supper.

    However, that is wonderful advice to any other brides dealing with this. And seems like a great way to keep FMIL included and busy. Although ours won't be something over-the-top, I could give her a general budget we are thinking and tell her it would help me out a lot if she could take care of the planning aspects for this (which it really would...).
  • ksblumb, I totally feel for you on this one. I've been agonizing over my lack of relationship with my FMIL for years now.

    Anyhow, if I were you, I would let it go. My FMIL happens to be an extremely negative person. Here's an example: after literally crying to me about how she never sees her son, she threw out the idea of a party to me and I told her we'd love to go. Fast forward a month to the date this informal party was going to be - her other son and his wife were invited, but we weren't. Fast-forward one more month: her other son's wife says to me out of the blue, "Oh by the way, Vanessa said she's sorry but she forgot to invite you two to the party."

    Ouch. Some people are just like that. I'd echo another poster's sentiments and say, "Let sleeping dogs lie."
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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