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elope or not?

4utfans25124utfans2512
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in Wedding Woes

My FI and I have been engaged for 4 months and have a DW planned for 2-5-12 for just a few close family members. This will be my 2nd wedding and his 2nd also. We each have a son from previous marriage. I haven't been divorced for a year yet and my ex is still in my sons life, he is still trying to control my life and is always causing problems and acting like a child. My FI lost his job a week ago and he is actively trying to find a job but so far not even a call back. We are worried about how he will keep his current home that he rents and pay all bills with no job. We have a family beach trip planned for the end of July and when I gave my ex 30 days notice that I would be taking our son he started causing problems, he made the rule that male, non-family members were not allowed on the trip and wants me to put in writing who all will be going.

The thought of eloping has crossed my mind several times..that would allow for FI to move in with me in the event he can no longer keep up his home. It would also end the male non-family member issue on the beach trip. I hate feeling like he is running my life but I never know what he is going to try to do. However it is still both of our dreams to be married on the beach and we already have deposits made and honeymoon booked. Would the officiant still treat this like a marriage? I wouldn't want to change my name until February..I'm so confused don't know what to do..any help?

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Re: elope or not?

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    arbolitaarbolita
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think you have bigger things to work out than whether or not you should elope so that your fiance can go on vacation with you.
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    erolliserollis member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_elope-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:123b1b41-a84a-4f99-8314-aead15af379ePost:3c0a94c2-5147-4b93-881b-434e025b2da6">Re: elope or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you have bigger things to work out than whether or not you should elope so that your fiance can go on vacation with you.
    Posted by arbolita[/QUOTE]



    Agreed.
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    4utfans25124utfans2512
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry if I made it sound like i wanted to elope so he could go on vacation with us. That is not what I ment. I just feel like some of our problems would be gone if we were already married. Both our familys are very stong Christians so we wouldn't even think of living together unless we were married and we live close to an hour away from each other righ now. My ex has big issues and there is nothing I can do about him, he is trying to control my life and tell me who can be in my home and who can go on trips.

    I had thought about moving our wedding up but everything has been set and engagement pictures have been made with our date. Family memebers have already put in for vacation on that date. Invites have been printed.
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    jessib33jessib33 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why not have a quick civil ceremony now (maybe at the local courthouse) and still have the wedding you've planned? No one needs to know about the civil cermony unless you tell them. If it makes things less stressful, why not?

    Just my two cents worth...
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    erolliserollis member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_elope-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:123b1b41-a84a-4f99-8314-aead15af379ePost:c35a2d30-07d7-49e9-91ac-beab9098ac3a">Re: elope or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why not have a quick civil ceremony now (maybe at the local courthouse) and still have the wedding you've planned? No one needs to know about the civil cermony unless you tell them.
    Posted by jessib33[/QUOTE]

    It bothers me when people do this. Good for you from getting away from a cruddy relationship. I am sorry that you, your son and FI have to be so affected by your ex still. Only you know what is best for your family. If that means eloping go for it. Just be sure to tell everyone that you are married right away.
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    hmonkeyhmonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    girl, there are so many red flags it looks like tiananmen up in here.

    1) divorced less than a year and already engaged four months
    2) fi lost his job and is going to be booted out of is house -- does he not have any savings?
    3) exh made up rules and you have to follow -- what kind of custody agreement do you have?
    4) eloping for financial reasons
    5) moving in together for financial reasons

    and that's just from the first post!  you know you should wait on all this -- especially the marrying part -- and apologize to your family and ask them to change their vacation dates.

    just because you put down the deposit doesn't mean that you need to spend the rest of the money.  that's throwing good money after bad.

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    DG1DG1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_elope-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:123b1b41-a84a-4f99-8314-aead15af379ePost:92bd6660-aa39-4a9e-aa25-2c9ec7c8c719">Re: elope or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]girl, there are so many red flags it looks like tiananmen up in here. 1) divorced less than a year and already engaged four months 2) fi lost his job and is going to be booted out of is house -- does he not have any savings? 3) exh made up rules and you have to follow -- what kind of custody agreement do you have? 4) eloping for financial reasons 5) moving in together for financial reasons and that's just from the first post!  you know you should wait on all this -- especially the marrying part -- and apologize to your family and ask them to change their vacation dates. just because you put down the deposit doesn't mean that you need to spend the rest of the money.  that's throwing good money after bad.
    Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

    I don't have anything to add. I just thought all of that was worth repeating.

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    4utfans25124utfans2512
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_elope-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:123b1b41-a84a-4f99-8314-aead15af379ePost:92bd6660-aa39-4a9e-aa25-2c9ec7c8c719">Re: elope or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]girl, there are so many red flags it looks like tiananmen up in here. 1) divorced less than a year and already engaged four months 2) fi lost his job and is going to be booted out of is house -- does he not have any savings? 3) exh made up rules and you have to follow -- what kind of custody agreement do you have? 4) eloping for financial reasons 5) moving in together for financial reasons and that's just from the first post!  you know you should wait on all this -- especially the marrying part -- and apologize to your family and ask them to change their vacation dates. just because you put down the deposit doesn't mean that you need to spend the rest of the money.  that's throwing good money after bad.
    Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]


    1. That is our business. He is absolutely wonderful and their is no doubt in my mind about marrying him. We are both very ready.
    2. No, not everyone has savings. I didn't say he was getting booted but he is trying hard to find a job. No one knows when he will land a new one, it could be a couple weeks or even months.
    3. There are no rules that I HAVE to follow. But if I tell him Who's going on the vacation and thats that!!! I can very well see him taking me back to court because he don't approve of male, non-family members being around his son on overnight trips, thats how he rolls.
    4. How many couples move in together because of financial reasons? I know a few and we are not moving in to co-habitate...we are already getting married.
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    hmonkeyhmonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    not everyone has savings -- BUT THEY SHOULD.  that is what adults do.

    do you really think that getting married to this wonderdude is going to make your husband magically allow him to do anything with your son?  for reals, yo.  you know your exh is going to be all "well, you haven't been married long enough so no vacation until i say so -- or the judge says so."

    so you're getting married for financial reasons, too?  pull credit reports, bank and credit card statements and then think about it.

    you have one jacked up view of money because it also seems like you want to get married just because you already put the deposits down.
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    jessib33jessib33 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_elope-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:123b1b41-a84a-4f99-8314-aead15af379ePost:6b167d6c-346f-4fa6-9b0e-6615e3bfdfe1">Re: elope or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: elope or not? : It bothers me when people do this. Good for you from getting away from a cruddy relationship. I am sorry that you, your son and FI have to be so affected by your ex still. Only you know what is best for your family. If that means eloping go for it. Just be sure to tell everyone that you are married right away.
    Posted by erollis[/QUOTE]

    It bothers me when people like you single someone out to be rude. There's no reason she can't separate the the civil & religious ceremonies.  I suppose technically it's eloping, but if it makes the whole situation less stressful from a legal standpoint, who cares what you call it?
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    erolliserollis member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_elope-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:123b1b41-a84a-4f99-8314-aead15af379ePost:bd38f5b2-c0e3-40dc-8a94-bfc06a02788e">Re: elope or not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: elope or not? : It bothers me when people like you single someone out to be rude. There's no reason she can't separate the the civil & religious ceremonies.  I suppose technically it's eloping, but if it makes the whole situation less stressful from a legal standpoint, who cares what you call it?
    Posted by jessib33[/QUOTE]



    Didn't realize I was being rude in this post. Now I know I'm just a bad person.

    Op, like I said before do what is best for you.
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