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SIL issues - Neeed advice and moral support!

MrsBMMrsBM member
First Comment
in South Asian Weddings
Hey Ladies

Okay so as many of you know, since I've known her SIL has not been very nice to me, infact she has been down right rude.  So after months of ignoring the hubz and I, they want to have a meeting with us to 'clear up all the misunderstandings'.  

A part of me just doesn't believe them and another part of me is so sick of dealing with this situation. It's funny, they act all richeous trying to get a meeting going but they didn't work with our schedule and wanted to do the meeting at their convenience.  I can't help but have resentment towards them for not being flexible to our schedule as well...sheesh!

Hubz and I have a lot of points that we'd like to bring up and I'm sure that BIL/SIL have some comments to make.  BIL told me and hubz that this meeting is not to place blame but instead to work through the issues...

I think a big point of dicussion will be the wedding how they may say they felt insulted that they were not able to plan more of the reception program. My only response to that is ...it was OUR wedding day lol.

1. Do you girls have tactical ways of approaching this meeting?
2. Should we bring up the past events that even occurred before the wedding? (I think we should, I mean if we are clearing the air...then I think it's only appropriate).
3. We want to start the meeting off by saying that regardless of the outcome, it they want to maintain some sort of friendship with us, they'll have to start puttin in double the effort (which means they can't be short with us at family events etc). 
4.  I'm so tired of dealing with them I really don't want to put any effort in...yes I know that contradicts with the above statement so I'm not sure if we should say it.

Okay I need your thoughts and advice on this one...thanks!!
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Re: SIL issues - Neeed advice and moral support!

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    SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, Bhanu? I'm going to tell you what I did when we talked. I don't think this is a good idea....right now. I would give it a few weeks. The fact that they weren't willing to work with your schedule although THEY wanted to meet with YOU is a big sign that maybe things aren't going to go over so well because they haven't calmed down much. I would tell them respectfully that you want to definitely talk things out, however, right now you want things to blow over a bit more. I do not know why you should set up a meeting and have them tell you off because they are hurt because they didn't get to plan stuff with your reception. Who does that? Who gets upset over that? That's so ridiculous.

    To answer your questions:
    1. Don't do the meeting at all at the moment. Push it off. I'm sure all four of you can find time in a month or two to do this. Tell them you want to work on it, but you can see a lot of hurt feelings are still there and you want things to calm down.

    2. Don't bring up past events. You have enough to work with right now and doing that is toxic and it doesn't help anything. I would not bring up anything.  You know deep down how you feel, and you know you guys have enough of a damaged relationship as it is. Sometimes, you have to let go of some issues and focus on other ones. You can feel how you want and maintain your thoughts, but, I'd avoid it.

    3. I understand that sentence, but it may come off demanding. You want to put things in a way that pleases everybody...even if you're furious. I would say, "You know, we both want to maintain things with you guys because you're family, but we'd really appreciate it if you guys put in a little bit more effort." Then, I'd suggest you guys plan a time to hang out somewhere (outside the house where you're in a more populated and fun environment) and then you'd like them to plan something. Nothing where you talk a lot, but an activity. Bowling, going out to a bar, something. But tell them in a way that seems you are reaching out instead of in a way that can be misinterpreted as a demand.

    4. Don't say that. I think you're doing the right thing by considering all of this for your husband and for your future family.

    I'd ask them if all of this is worth it because you guys are family now. Is it worth it to fight over these things? What can you change about the past now? You don't have a time machine, and you wanted to plan YOUR wedding YOUR way. So, I don't blame you. I'm not sure what this conversation with them will even accomplish. I just worry it'll start another fight!
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    SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    And, of course, you have my support!
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    MrsBMMrsBM member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Sonali!

    BIL/SIL don't listen to me or hubz...we told them that we should all just move on, put the effort that they'd want to put into this meeting into working on a future and they said they want to have this meeting, so if sh!t hits the fan I'm not going to feel responsible for it!

    And unfortnately, this meeting IS happening THIS friday....it's happening at their house because they cannot meet with us at any other place and time (they want to get it done before the holiday season)....so I can't change it now or it will look bad,

    Hubz said that FOR SURE they will say that they felt "insulted" that we didnt want them or any other dances at the reception.

    In my opinion the wedding is about the bride and groom ...so is it wrong that we wanted to plan every part of it?!?!?!
    How can I say that in a way that they'll understand.  I mean b/c their wedding was in india (and kind of rushed ...they had an arrangement marriage for the most part) they didn't get a chance to plan much...how can I say that in north america it's different?

    Because we wanted to plan everything and that I had strong opions about it, BIL called me controlling (to my sister face on the night of our reception - and they were MCing that night) and has NEVER appologized to me for it...

    There are other points that Hubz also wants to bring up and tell SIL to her face (not through BIL) and he says he's going to...but depending on how the meeting goes I'm not sure if he'll get a chance to.

    This is very stressful and as you said toxic!
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    SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You don't need to justify anything to them. Why you wanted to plan your own wedding is your business, and if they can't get it, you can't make them understand.

    I personally do not want my wedding to be full of influence either, because it's the one day for us both.
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    SonaliPopSonaliPop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Actually, Bells is right. I told you to put off the discussion because I thought maybe you'd all be calmer. But since they can't meet another time, it's do or die.

    Stand your ground, have your hubby support you, and be prepared to withstand insults, rude tones, and immaturity. But hold your ground and you'll be fine. At the end of the day, the meeting will have to end sometime and you two will head home.

    Just remember...you do not want silly issues like this to ruin a relationship for a lifetime. If they are being stupid, do your part. If they can do theirs, great. If not, you know you did all you could.
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    raangoliraangoli
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I hope it goes well, MrsBM!

    It seems like they really just want to call the shots no matter what, whether it came to your wedding or now this talk. They have to have things their way. You're meeting at their house, on their time table, etc. I think that perhaps they feel threatened that you and your husband are in control of your own lives and get to call your own shots.

    Is the BIL and SIL older than your husband? Maybe that has something to do with it?

    I hope that they get your point that you are not trying to start a fight. You are respectful of their opinions but since is your wedding and your lives together, you call the shots, not them.
    ExerciseMilestone
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    MrsBMMrsBM member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Bells and Sonali!

    What I'm going to remember is:

    - Let hubz do the talking about the reception program (unless ofcourse they direct a question towards me)
    - Only bring up specific examples if they do...including the things they did to us to ruin our moods
    - End the meeting on a nice note with plans for a movie double date.

    I love that you guys are so positive...thank you!
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    DFWIndianDFWIndian
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't really like giving this kind of advice because I don't know the situation well enough. If I knew the parties involved and how they act it would be easier, but here is what I'm going to say. The meeting is happening either way so to answer your questions.

    1. The best tact for anything dealing with family is to kill them with kindness. Remeber at the end of the day this is your husband's blood and nothing changes this. Bring something, sweets, flowers, or anything like this to break the ice since you are going to their house. This way you have shown you mean friendship when starting the discussion.

    2. If you feel the only way to clear things is to get it all out there then do it. Otherwise you will constantly have on your mind whether or not you should have said something. When you do discuss it say it in a way you aren't attacking them. Example: "You know I felt hurt when you did XYZ" or " You may not have known I took (this action) like (Blah)" You are not saying it was their intent to make you feel a certain way, even if they did, but this is how it came across.

    When it comes to wedding stuff I think to other people saying it's my wedding bothers most. Even though we all understand it's our wedding day and we want to do everything ourselves, they don't. For some reason your SIL thinks it's her place to take care of it and it might be nice to say to her that whille you appreciated her offer to help you felt like it would make you feel like your day was more special if you took care of it. While it sucks apologise for not including her. (while you may not feel sorry it's a good gesture)

    3 & 4.  I feel these are pretty similar. I think if you clear the air it might help. Who knows maybe after this meeting it'll all be gravy and you guys can hang out. I don't think it's a good attitude for you to have saying you don't want to try anymore. Saying that is like saying your husband's family is not that important. Would you feel the same way about it if it was your brother or sister? Both of you guys have to put in effort and see how/what kind of relationship you can have going forward.
    My sisters and I have been getting annoyed with eachother a lot during this process and they are very demanding people who don't understand all the time this is my wedding and I want things a certain way. Due to this FI doesn't like them too much right now. I tell him they are my sisters, my blood and are important to me. Even with everything they do, they will never stop being my sisters.

    Like I said these are my opinions. I don't know the whole story and my relationships with people are completely different than yours.
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