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Jewish/Quaker Ceremony?!

LSChicLSChic member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Jewish Weddings
I'm reposting this from the "Ceremony Ideas" page because someone commented saying that it might do better on this board.
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So this is a REALLY complicated question that probably no one will be able to answer but I figure I'll give it a shot anyway.

I'm Jewish and my FH was raised Quaker but is an athiest. He wants to have a Quaker ceremony even though he's not religious because he thinks that the traditional Quaker wedding ceremony is beautiful.

I was raised Jewish and was bat-mitzvahed. I have always wanted a Jewish ceremony. However, I'm a reformed Jew and I'm willing to compromise. What I want the most is to have a rabbi there and to have hebrew prayers said by us and by the rabbi.

Traditionally, in a Quaker wedding there is no officiant. There is an official who signs your marriage license after the ceremony but they play no part in the actual ceremony. In the Quaker ceremony the couple says their vows (generally a little longer than the average vows) and then the people in the audience stand up and say whatever they feel about the marriage and/or the couple in whatever order they want. It's more of a communal/interactive ceremony.

I like the idea of my family and friends standing up and saying what they feel about our marriage but I can't abandon my Jewishness all together.

My FH and I are having trouble meshing these two ceremonies. We're definitely going to have a Chuppah but that's all we've been able to come up with. Two ceremonies is not an option for us.

Any help?
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Re: Jewish/Quaker Ceremony?!

  • ciaramanciaraman
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Is your fiance absolutely against having an officiant? If not, you could have a ceremony with your rabbi under the chuppah, and he could do the Jewish prayers. I've seen a number of weddings where family and friends participate in the seven blessings, reading them in English, Hebrew, or both. You could link that with having your family and friends share what they feel about the marriage, like the Quaker tradition.

    I've also heard of a Quaker tradition where everyone in attendance signs the marriage document - if you and your fiance would like to do that, you could have your guests sign the ketubah.  I believe I heard of another couple doing that.
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  • october010brideoctober010bride
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmm, I was also going to recommend having your guests read the Seven Blessings. You could also have selected guests hold you chuppah poles so that more guests are involved in your wedding.

    Is there any way he'd be willing to compromise on the officiant issue? If not, I'm not really sure how you'd be able to have a Jewish wedding. Your fi should recognize that this wedding should be a compromise between your two faiths and belief systems, not just his.
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  • tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_jewishquaker-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:ee453ba6-71be-4804-9334-7b3e5a21c482Post:e00d13c7-1a93-4df3-8ce3-625b7f337962">Re: Jewish/Quaker Ceremony?!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've also heard of a Quaker tradition where everyone in attendance signs the marriage document - if you and your fiance would like to do that, you could have your guests sign the ketubah.  I believe I heard of another couple doing that.
    Posted by ciaraman[/QUOTE]

    That was me :-)  Neither DH nor I are Quaker, but we used a Quaker license in PA because we didn't want to have an officiant (I'm a "non-practicing" Jew and DH doesn't practice anything but his family is Christian). We didn't really have a ketubah per se, but a document I made up that was more like a declaration of our commitment to each other and had all our guests sign it. We only had a dozen guests, so we just used regular sized paper but you could do something similar on a larger scale.

    I guess my real question is what about the Jewish ceremony do you want? Is it the rabbi there? Is it the prayers? Is it the religion or more the culture like the chuppa and breaking of the glass?

    I actually think a Jewish and Quaker ceremony should be pretty easy to pull off since there's nothing inherently contradictory in the two.

    I didn't think a Jewish ceremony really needs a rabbi so I did some searching online and found this from Anita Diamant, who's generally considered the expert on Jewish weddings. So, no you don't really need a rabbi for a Jewish wedding.

    <a href="http://www.interfaithfamily.com/life_cycle/weddings/You_Dont_Need_a_Rabbi_to_Have_a_Jewish_Wedding.shtml" rel='nofollow'>http://www.interfaithfamily.com/life_cycle/weddings/You_Dont_Need_a_Rabbi_to_Have_a_Jewish_Wedding.shtml</a>

    Alternatively you could have a rabbi there who doesn't "lead" the ceremony, but comes up to say some prayers during the course of the ceremony.

    Anyway, I think you CAN combine your traditions and cultures, but you'll both need to really take a look at what elements are most important to you both to mix them together.
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  • 2dBride2dBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Technically, a Jewish ceremony does not require a rabbi.  The legal requirements are:

    • • The groom giving something of value (typically, a plain gold ring with no stones or engraving) to the bride.
    • • A ketubah (formal Jewish wedding contract), with at least two (traditionally Jewish male) witnesses.
    • • Yichud (a ceremonial time alone, representing cohabitation).

    All of these things could be done without an officiant at all.  In fact, it is my understanding that in Quaker weddings, it is customary to have a marriage certificate with witnesses.  I would think that you could have an "interfaith" ketubah that would also be the Quaker marriage certificate.

    Plus, many of the traditional (but not legally required) aspects of a Jewish wedding do not require a rabbi.  The bedeken (veiling of the bride), chuppah (wedding canopy), reading of the seven blessings, and breaking of the glass could all be incorporated into a Quaker ceremony.  At our (Jewish) ceremony, each of the seven blessings was given by a different guest (not by the rabbi), and that might work for yours.
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  • ARod22ARod22
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Actually, Jewish weddings do not require an officiant.  You need witnesses, mainly to witness the ring exchange.  Friends and family can come up to recite the blessings in Hebrew/English as an honor. 

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  • laurenjessebloomlaurenjessebloom member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You could incorporate the elements of the Jewish wedding that are important to you.  Perhaps you both want to jot down what the elements of the wedding that are important to you- being as specific as possible and see where there is match or areas to have different parts of ceremonies.  15 minutes with a rabbi (Jewish-style), 15 minutes with guest involvement (Quaker-style).  

    We are trying to taking the Jewish elements of the wedding that we think are important and incorporating it with yogic sanskrit chanting and innovacations.  We are working with 2 possible officiants- a rabbi and a yoga teacher.  We'll see how it goes- they might both officiate.

    Good luck!
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