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Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding

xoxpipahxoxxoxpipahxox
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Sorry if this question is dumb, but I have no clue how to approach this.

My cousin is getting married in the summer and has informed me that it will be a casual affair and she will likely ask people to bring a dish.  I had a cousin do something similar last year, but I didn't go (mostly because I hadn't seen her since I was 4, yet she invited me to her wedding). 

I know that a lot of people say that your gift should cover the cost of your plate--or at least that's a good way to gauge what to bring.  How do you determine the amount of your gift when you're bringing the plate?  I was thinking of saying "Hey, here's $50" and being done with it, but I wasn't sure if there's proper etiquette?
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Re: Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding

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    Audrey&AustinAudrey&Austin member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-giving-potluck-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6cc6ce5-2f5e-4a2a-b7b1-f8a3172133ffPost:702ee22e-92f4-4299-b4ca-1277c191cc89">Re: Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think asking your guests to bring anything to any type of party is rude.  I don't have people over for dinner and then charge them for drinking wine (cash bar).....nor do I invite people over for dinner and expect them to bring food (potluck wedding).  If someone brings something because they want to that is lovely......but I don't ask.  Having guests means you are being a host or hostess thus taking care of your guests. Posted by aprovencher21[/QUOTE]
    Well, maybe I'm just trashy, but I have had guests over to my home in a potluck style. We'll all cook something different, bring our own drinks, whatever. I never thought it was a bad thing to have a dinner potluck style... Maybe this is just because I'm still fairly young and I don't understand all of the etiquette. Or when I'm with friends in a casual setting we don't let etiquette rule our lives.
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    antimonyantimony
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    I'd likely give what I'd normally give?  The only exception being that with a very casual wedding like this, if the bride and groom say "no gifts please" I'll take them at their word.  Or bring a nice bottle of wine along with my potluck dish -- i.e. a hostess gift rather than a wedding gift.   
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    squirrlysquirrly member
    Name Dropper First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I think having a potluck wedding and a casual potluck dinner at home (or even a potluck family Thanksgiving) are entirely different.

    At a wedding, people are bringing a gift.  They're all dressed up.  They didn't have any input into where/when/etc.  So, I think asking them to bring a dish is excessive.  Also - weddings are big, generally.  How are you going to be sure you have enough entrees?  Veggies?  What if you get 10 servings of green beans and 300 servings of potato salad?  It's difficult to regulate and be sure the menu is balanced.  Also, what about dietary restrictions?  Who is going to serve food?  Keep hot things hot and cold things cold?  

    At a dinner party, if I bring a dish, I know there are 12 or 15 people there, so I make that many servings.  For Thanksgiving, the women run down the menu together and divide up what's on it and each bring a thing or two or three.  That's just the way our family does it - we want to eat together, but we don't want the entire burden of dinner on just one household.  So, we split it up.  

    As far as how to manage your gift - I'd give the same amount I would at any other wedding, based on what I could afford and my relationship to the bride and groom, less the cost of the ingredients for the dish.  
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    aMrsin09aMrsin09
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-giving-potluck-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6cc6ce5-2f5e-4a2a-b7b1-f8a3172133ffPost:da579021-b851-4bc2-b3d2-c7f24030c4f3">Re: Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE] Maybe this is just because I'm still fairly young and I don't understand all of the etiquette. Or when I'm with friends in a casual setting we don't let etiquette rule our lives.
    Posted by Audrey&Austin[/QUOTE]

    And this is where the problems arise.  If everyone practiced etiquette in their homes and everyday lives, there wouldn't be as many "WAAA, what do I do?" posts.  It would just be second nature.
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    MeaghanandMichaelMeaghanandMichael
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-giving-potluck-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6cc6ce5-2f5e-4a2a-b7b1-f8a3172133ffPost:71ed20b0-6126-4edb-b0d5-d72ebc2bd693">Re: Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]At a wedding, people are bringing a gift.  They're all dressed up.  They didn't have any input into where/when/etc.  So, I think asking them to bring a dish is excessive.  Also - weddings are big, generally.  How are you going to be sure you have enough entrees?  Veggies?  What if you get 10 servings of green beans and 300 servings of potato salad?  It's difficult to regulate and be sure the menu is balanced.  Also, what about dietary restrictions?  Who is going to serve food?  Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]


    Well said. I can't imagine imposing on my guests like this. There are too many variables out there that I should be controlling as a hostess, not relying on others for a party I am throwing.
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    aprovencher21aprovencher21
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-giving-potluck-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6cc6ce5-2f5e-4a2a-b7b1-f8a3172133ffPost:da579021-b851-4bc2-b3d2-c7f24030c4f3">Re: Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding : Well, maybe I'm just trashy, but I have had guests over to my home in a potluck style. We'll all cook something different, bring our own drinks, whatever. I never thought it was a bad thing to have a dinner potluck style... Maybe this is just because I'm still fairly young and I don't understand all of the etiquette. Or when I'm with friends in a casual setting we don't let etiquette rule our lives.
    Posted by Audrey&Austin[/QUOTE]

    This isn't what I meant at all.  If you and your friends decide to have a potluck dinner that's great if it just happens to be at your place.  That's totally different that you inviting people over for dinner and then telling them to bring something.  I don't know if I'm getting the point across well......there are times when a potluck can be fun when everyone wants to contribute....totally different to be told as a guest to bring something.  Etiquette shouldn't rule your life.....but manners and etiquette are something that should always be considered since they are in place to make your guests comfortable.
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    aprovencher21aprovencher21
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-giving-potluck-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6cc6ce5-2f5e-4a2a-b7b1-f8a3172133ffPost:16d8b29d-6f98-4ebf-9ff0-e4083c46afb5">Re: Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding : And this is where the problems arise.  If everyone practiced etiquette in their homes and everyday lives, there wouldn't be as many "WAAA, what do I do?" posts.  It would just be second nature.
    Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

    Very very true......
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    aprovencher21aprovencher21
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-giving-potluck-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6cc6ce5-2f5e-4a2a-b7b1-f8a3172133ffPost:98552aef-418f-46e7-a954-6a6f38ca2f72">Re: Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gift Giving for Potluck Wedding : Well said. I can't imagine imposing on my guests like this. There are too many variables out there that I should be controlling as a hostess, not relying on others for a party I am throwing.
    Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]

    Exactly....its the duty as the person throwing the party to undertake such details. 

    P.S. I love your signature photo....too cute!!
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    agrenhamagrenham member
    First Comment
    I'm thinking about a potluck wedding and in the RSVP I am going to say "in leu of a gift, please bring a side to share" and make sure not to ask anything more of my guests. 

    I guess if you feel like you should still give a gift (and they would be mad if you didn't, which is strange to me) than give one. 
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    Lisa<3PeteLisa<3Pete member
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    Wow....I'm almost regretting reading this thread based on some of the rude comments regarding potluck weddings. But maybe I can clear some stuff up...First, not everyone can afford to pay to feed 200 (or even 100 or 50) people but would like family and friends to be able to celebrate their happy day with them. When large numbers of people gather, what do they generally do? Eat. So its kinda hard to just not offer food because you can't afford it (or aren't willing to go into debt to pay for it). If someone is having a potluck reception, they should not expect all guests to bring food...nor should a guest feel obligated to bring a dish. The host/hostess should try to keep track of who is bringing what so you don't end up with 20 tuna cassaroles. And they should also expect to have to fill in "empty" spots where the menu looks a little sparse based on what guests say they will be bringing. Furthermore, they should not expect a gift beyond the dish to pass. The food is considered the gift in these cases. And dang, I sure hope my guests don't plan on putting food in a dish and leave the dish cuz I don't want it! One of the reasons my fiance and I are having a potluck is money is tight all around and our friends and family can't all afford gifts, and frankly, we don't need presents beyond their presence. We both had/have established household on our own before we met and honestly, we have more than enough "stuff" already.
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    brookelynpaisleybrookelynpaisley member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    If you're supposed to over the cost of your plate, we were grossly underpaid for our wedding. I would give what you can afford, whether it's $50 or $500.
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    BetrurbetBetrurbet member
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    I agree with Lisa<3Pete.  While planning my wedding, I lost my 2nd job, and since my father passed away, and my mother couldn't even afford to fly herself down, I was MAJORLY stressing about having a wedding.  I totally understand etiquette, but it was very important to both me and my groom to have people come just to celebrate.  My grooms mother even told me back in the 'old days some weddings didn't even have food!  We went on perfectpotluck.com and made lists so people could see who was bringing what, and that helped fill in any gaps.  We did a honeyfund registry, so that way, if people did want to do an actual gift, they could do it online -- that way people who didn't want to give wouldn't feel bad, because there was no gift table to worry about.  Like I said, etiquette is great, but when you have hard life circumstances, it's much better to have friends and family just there to celebrate your committment and help out, then having to go to the JOP bc you can't "afford" a wedding.  Most places are just out there to take your money, anyway.  Trust me, I've been to enough bridal shows to prove it. :)
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    ashleyepashleyep member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Betrurbet said:
    I agree with Lisa<3Pete.  While planning my wedding, I lost my 2nd job, and since my father passed away, and my mother couldn't even afford to fly herself down, I was MAJORLY stressing about having a wedding.  I totally understand etiquette, but it was very important to both me and my groom to have people come just to celebrate.  My grooms mother even told me back in the 'old days some weddings didn't even have food!  We went on perfectpotluck.com and made lists so people could see who was bringing what, and that helped fill in any gaps.  We did a honeyfund registry, so that way, if people did want to do an actual gift, they could do it online -- that way people who didn't want to give wouldn't feel bad, because there was no gift table to worry about.  Like I said, etiquette is great, but when you have hard life circumstances, it's much better to have friends and family just there to celebrate your committment and help out, then having to go to the JOP bc you can't "afford" a wedding.  Most places are just out there to take your money, anyway.  Trust me, I've been to enough bridal shows to prove it. :)
    This thread is 3 years old. You don't have to serve a meal at a wedding, and asking your guests to bring the meal is rude. Host what you can afford. Have an afternoon reception and offer some cheese and crackers.
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    @knotporscha. Old thread again
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    @KnotPorscha - I know you and all your IT guys are working on many things but seriously you need to close all threads that are a year or older.  Having posters comment on threads where 95% of the previous posters are not even around anymore is just pointless.

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