What to do about best man that 'may' not make it?

ashleymjo · October 2012

I need some advice for our best man that announced tonight he 'may' not be able to make to our wedding in May.

A bit of background, the best man is my FI's brother, and only got married himself this summer. He lives in Europe with his wife, and the rest of us live in Canada. FI and I travelled overseas (despite needing to take out a loan to afford it) because his brother's wedding was very important to him (he even told a prospective job offer that it would be a deal-breaker if they wouldn't let him travel to the wedding).

Tonight, future BIL calls to announce that his wife is pregnant, and due a week and a half before our day. He now says because of this, he might not be able to attend, for distance reasons, and financial reasons (and of course, the fact that he'll likely have a newborn baby to deal with).

FI is pretty upset.... He saw this coming, and thats why he asked his brother to keep in mind that our wedding was upcoming. Having his brother at the wedding is very important to him, and unfortuantely, pushing back our date is financially not an option.

I'm not really sure how we should handle this situation. FI does have a really close friend, that if he didn't have a brother would've been the best man at the wedding.

Can he ask his brother to be a groomsman instead, and ask his friend to be best man, so it's not as big of a deal if the brother doesn't show? It very well could come down to a last minute decision as to whether his brother attends or not.

Not really sure how to handle this situation as we're both just so frustrated at the moment. Advice would be appreciated...

Edited: I really don't care what you think of how I feel on this, and don't need you to tell me that. I was simply looking for advice on how to handle the situation at hand (ie: second best man or switch best man/groomsman etc). So if you have constructive advice, please share, otherwise feel free to email me privately.

Simply Fated · October 2012

Don't replace the position of Best Man or demote the Best Man to groomsman. Your fiance's brother can still hold the title of Best Man, even if he's not there. This sort of thing happens more often than you think around here. Things happen and not everything goes according to plan. The Best Man is a title of honor that you earn because you love the person. That's all.

Yes his brother knew the date, but it's not like he flaked out. He's having a baby for goodness sake.
And if he's the type of person who flakes often, which I think he is, if I'm reading your post correctly, then even if he did flake this should not be a surprise at all.

Chances are, he won't be there. That sucks. There are things you can do, though. You know what's becoming popular now? Using programs like Skype or Facetime or what ever. This way he won't miss a thing and you'll be able to talk to him and everything. Hell, if he wants to give a speech at the reception he can even do that.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

Baby trumps wedding everytime. Do not replace him.

Viczaesar · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-about-best-man-that-may-not-make-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e967113f-8080-4bca-873b-ae292c78c45dPost:b2767744-a258-41f9-88ad-d3c8ff875bf8">What to do about best man that 'may' not make it?</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some advice for our best man that announced tonight he 'may' not be able to make to our wedding in May. A bit of background, the best man is my FI's brother, and only got married himself this summer. He lives in Europe with his wife, and the rest of us live in Canada. FI and I travelled overseas (despite needing to take out a loan to afford it) because his brother's wedding was very important to him (he even told a prospective job offer that it would be a deal-breaker if they wouldn't let him travel to the wedding). FI knows his brother is rather impulsive and doesn't always think ahead, and directly reminded him that our wedding was 11 months away, and to please keep that in mind. Tonight, future BIL calls to announce that his wife is pregnant, and due A WEEK AND A HALF before our day. He now says because of this, he might not be able to attend, for distance reasons, and financial reasons (and of course, the fact that he'll likely have a newborn baby to deal with). FI is pissed.... He saw this coming, and thats why he asked his brother to keep in mind that our wedding was upcoming. Having his brother at the wedding is very important to him, and unfortuantely, pushing back our date is financially not an option. I'm not really sure how we should handle this situation. FI does have a really close friend, that if he didn't have a brother would've been the best man at the wedding. Can he ask his brother to be a groomsman instead, and ask his friend to be best man, so it's not as big of a deal if the brother doesn't show? It very well could come down to a last minute decision as to whether his brother attends or not. Not really sure how to handle this situation as we're both just so frustrated with the brother at the moment. Advice would be appreciated...
Posted by ashleymjo[/QUOTE]
Why on earth are you frustrated with his brother?

missglinda14 · October 2012

Oh boy. Okay first off, I really don't understand why you are angry. Your BIL is having a baby. He didn't "flake" on you. You can't expect people to stop living their lives for your wedding, regardless of relationship. Your FI saw this coming? He expected his brother to have sex with his wife? And what, you thought he would go to his wife and say "Honey, we can't have sexy times for a few months because of my brother's wedding" ? C'mon now. They got pregnant. Baby trumps wedding. You should be happy for him, not thinking of replacing him. Keep him as BM and ask the close friend to be a GM. If he can make it, great. If not, it really sucks, but it won't be a big deal and it won't destroy your day. Be happy for him and continue to honor the relationship by keeping him as BM. Don't punish him.

Simply Fated · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-about-best-man-that-may-not-make-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e967113f-8080-4bca-873b-ae292c78c45dPost:438916d2-ff91-44fe-a609-3cb62a55506c">Re: What to do about best man that 'may' not make it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to What to do about best man that 'may' not make it? : Why on earth are you frustrated with his brother?
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]
I'm scared her and her fiance are frustrated because the brother and his wife didn't plan the pregancy around their wedding date... but I'm hoping I'm wrong.

Viczaesar · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-about-best-man-that-may-not-make-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e967113f-8080-4bca-873b-ae292c78c45dPost:e5727010-2b7d-451a-863d-8db9c076e1e3">Re: What to do about best man that 'may' not make it?</a>:
[QUOTE]We're frustrated because this isn't the first time where the brother has done something without thinking ahead. We even foresaw this happening, which is why FI said something to him in advance (for the reason that having his brother present is very important to him). We're obviously very excited to have another niece/nephew... just disappointed right now in the timing. As for not removing him as best man ... if he's unable to make it, how do we handle duties that would normally be undertaken by the best man (like speech, signing of the registrar, etc). Does FI ask his close friend to step in and take over those duties, as a groomsman? Unfortunately our reception isn't in an area with the best cell reception, so I don't know that Skype or Facetime would work (great idea if it would though!)
Posted by ashleymjo[/QUOTE]
Well, maybe he should have scheduled the stork visit more carefully...oh wait. That's not how life, or pregnancy, work. It's absolutely ridiculous for you to expect him to even <em>try </em>to plan his family and fertility around your wedding.

Simply Fated · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-about-best-man-that-may-not-make-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e967113f-8080-4bca-873b-ae292c78c45dPost:e5727010-2b7d-451a-863d-8db9c076e1e3">Re: What to do about best man that 'may' not make it?</a>:
[QUOTE]We're frustrated because this isn't the first time where the brother has done something without thinking ahead. We even foresaw this happening, which is why FI said something to him in advance (for the reason that having his brother present is very important to him). We're obviously very excited to have another niece/nephew... just disappointed right now in the timing. As for not removing him as best man ... if he's unable to make it, how do we handle duties that would normally be undertaken by the best man (like speech, signing of the registrar, etc). Does FI ask his close friend to step in and take over those duties, as a groomsman? Unfortunately our reception isn't in an area with the best cell reception, so I don't know that Skype or Facetime would work (great idea if it would though!)
Posted by ashleymjo[/QUOTE]
The thing he did without thinking ahead is having sex. Husbands tend to have sex with their wives. Of course you foresaw this. The Long Island Medium could have forseen this.

Anyone can sign a marriage license (registrar, what ever) as long as it's legal. I don't know, some areas you have to be 18 to sign stuff. A groomsman can do it, a father, mother, sister, aunt, anyone.
Also, anyone can make a speech. Or not. Usually it's sorta customary (or assumed) that the MOH and the BM makes speeches, but this isn't mandatory. Maybe someone will offer to make a speech. Or just the MOH can make one. Speeches aren't, like, mandatory to have. .They're nice to have, but it's not something a BM or anyone has to do.
Is there anything else you were hoping the BM would be able to do?

Take tons of pictures and send them over to him when you can. And then he can send over pictures of the maybe.

This doesn't have to be as big of a deal as you are worried it'll be.

Summer2011Bride · October 2012

Well weddings aren't tit for tat. I was going to say that just because you could afford overseas travel, doesn't mean everyone can, but you couldn't either. You took out a loan. I would never take out a loan to go to someone's wedding, even family, so there is that. You can't expect your BIL to want to do the same.

Plus, it's a BABY! It's not like he said, "Hey I might be going on vacation that weekend instead." Cripe. This is a huge event for him.

Anyone can give a toast, sign the license, etc. It does not have to be someone labeled BM. You are also right to not "demote" him or "promote" anyone to BM. Leave everything as is. If he can't be there, while it sucks, the wedding will go on.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

Does it suck that he's not going to be there? Yes.

Is it ridiculously self-centered and selfish to expect him to leave his wife a week and a half before her due date to attend your wedding? You bet it is. In fact, there may be some sort of prize for you and your FI. Anything else going on doesn't matter. He could have saved enough for two trips and he still would not be coming.

MyNameIsNot · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-about-best-man-that-may-not-make-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e967113f-8080-4bca-873b-ae292c78c45dPost:e5727010-2b7d-451a-863d-8db9c076e1e3">Re: What to do about best man that 'may' not make it?</a>:
[QUOTE]W<strong>e're frustrated because this isn't the first time where the brother has done something without thinking ahead.</strong> We even foresaw this happening, which is why FI said something to him in advance (for the reason that having his brother present is very important to him). We're obviously very excited to have another niece/nephew... just disappointed right now in the timing. As for not removing him as best man ... if he's unable to make it, how do we handle duties that would normally be undertaken by the best man (like speech, signing of the registrar, etc). Does FI ask his close friend to step in and take over those duties, as a groomsman? Unfortunately our reception isn't in an area with the best cell reception, so I don't know that Skype or Facetime would work (great idea if it would though!)
Posted by ashleymjo[/QUOTE]

<div>So you are upset that he didn't plan his baby around your wedding?</div><div>
</div><div>You need to get a grip! Holy self centered!</div><div>
</div><div>You need to get over yourself and keep your mouth shut. If you open your mouth and let these feelings fly, you are going to ruin your FI's relationship with his brother. He can be the best man from Europe. He is best man b/c he is special to your FI, not because he plans his life around your wedding. </div>

theelusive1 · October 2012

By what I am reading you expected this to happen. I assume it is not shocking at all. He wont be there and you can count on that. He has told you in his way he wont be there. Don't worry about uneven numbers. Anyone of your guests can sign for your register.

mandi195 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-about-best-man-that-may-not-make-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e967113f-8080-4bca-873b-ae292c78c45dPost:e5727010-2b7d-451a-863d-8db9c076e1e3">Re: What to do about best man that 'may' not make it?</a>:
[QUOTE]We're frustrated because this isn't the first time where the brother has done something without thinking ahead. We even foresaw this happening, which is why FI said something to him in advance (for the reason that having his brother present is very important to him). We're obviously very excited to have another niece/nephew... just disappointed right now in the timing. As for not removing him as best man ... if he's unable to make it, how do we handle duties that would normally be undertaken by the best man (like speech, signing of the registrar, etc). Does FI ask his close friend to step in and take over those duties, as a groomsman? Unfortunately our reception isn't in an area with the best cell reception, so I don't know that Skype or Facetime would work (great idea if it would though!)
Posted by ashleymjo[/QUOTE]
So, you expected your FI's brother and wife to WAIT to get pregnant until after your wedding, so as not to mess up your plans? What planet are you from? You are aware that the world revolves around the sun, right; not around you?!?
You said your FI "saw this coming," what, like his brother would get pregnant on purpose simply to avoid your wedding?
I have seen a lot of crazy posts on these boards, but this one takes the cake. I have never even heard of more self absorbed individuals... how dare either of you be upset with him.

LDubHawksFan · October 2012

My BM had her baby last Wed...my wedding is next Sat. She said she is coming, but honestly I really don't know. Am I disappointed, sure, but is my excitement for their new baby more, absolutely! BM "duties" can be done by the other GM.

AdeleDazeem · October 2012

Eh... I'm going to cut the OP some slack. But, this only because my sister and I are extremely close and her not attending my wedding would've broken my heart. I have NO idea if that's how OP's fiance feels, but I do understand the upsetment of someone very important not making it. Aside from my husband showing up, my sister's attendance was most important.

My sister's wedding happened a year before ours, but our wedding was planned before hers. I had a mini-freak out that she'd get pregnant three months after her wedding and she'd be unable to travel to Bermuda for our wedding. Then, I imagined my brother in law wouldn't come and my parents wouldn't come because there'd be a new baby and this lovely, intimate, twelve person wedding we planned would be moot. I'd be lying if I said that we did not say anything to my sister and brother in law about our fears.

However (and perhaps I'll save a little face here as I know everything I've said up to this point is rather flame-worthy), we did decide that if my sister became pregnant and had a baby at that time, then our Bermuda wedding would become a Bermuda honeymoon. We'd instead do the wedding thing at our AHR a month later so she and my parents could be present.

My (long) point here is that it's okay to be upset. It's okay to be frustrated. However, it's not okay to take it out on your fiance's brother and sister in law. It happened and now you need to go with Plan B. Let the other groomsman sign the license. No speeches are necessary. Skype with your fiance's brother later that night during the reception and wish him, his wife and the new baby well. You just have to let this go now.

jnjmommy0609 · October 2012

I can see why he would be upset but at the same time..whether your BIL had 11 months to plan ahead or not..he can't get mad when something doesn't go his way. He can't control how others live their lives so best is to just watch your own reactions. Taking out a loan just to go to a wedding was his choice. And a very nice gesture but there is not a need for that to be returned

artbyallie · October 2012

It's fine to be disappointed that they won't be there. But if you and your fiancé really expected them to put their life on hold to be able to attend/stand up in your wedding, then you're the ones who are out of line.

List him in the program as best man. Doesn't matter if he's there or not; they're still brothers, yes? If anyone asks, you can explain that he's at home in Europe with his newborn child or awaiting the birth of his first child if it hasn't come yet. Or you can put a note in the program if you like. That's really all you can do, because having a baby is guaranteed to be more important to them than making an overseas trip to your wedding, and rightly so. If the situation had been reversed and you were having a baby at the time of their wedding, I hope they would have been understanding about it.

libby2483 · October 2012

I understand why you feel disappointed, because I was in an almost identical situation. FI's brother's girlfriend got pregnant and was due 10 days after our wedding. We knew that he might not be able to make it to the wedding, which he was a GM in. She ended up giving birth the day before our wedding. Unfortunately, she obviously couldn't come, and it was looking like he wasn't going to make it either. At the last minute, he ended up being able to catch a ride from a friend of ours and make it to the wedding. Was I disappointed when I thought he wouldn't be able to come? Yes. Was I angry? No. I knew it was a circumstance beyond my control and being angry wouldn't do anything. Besides, I was happy about having a new nephew!

You need to focus on being happy for your FBIL. You need to realize that while it is fine to be disappointed, you shouldn't feel angry. If he doesn't come, you could always have two BMs walk together, which was our back up plan. Best of luck with everything!

KatWAG · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-about-best-man-that-may-not-make-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e967113f-8080-4bca-873b-ae292c78c45dPost:36c4d597-572b-46fe-a502-47e6ec89ce4e">Re: What to do about best man that 'may' not make it?</a>:
[QUOTE]To all the people that are leaving incredibly rude (and uncalled for) messages to me: Yes, we are obviously happy for them, and excited to have another niece/nephew, but I also see how hurt and sad my FI is that his brother (and best friend) might not be able to attend. <strong>My FI knows that his brother has poor planning skills, and that having a baby at this time would be a bad decision for them personally/financially</strong>(the brother knows and admits this). So FI was partly hoping that if they had a reason not to have a baby, then maybe they'd be a bit more careful, which in turn would allow them to get more stable financially before planning a family. (And before anyone goes on about me saying they're not doing well money wise but I expect them to pay for expensive flights, let me clarify that one of them gets very discounted flights through work, so it wouldn't have been an issue) My FI wouldn't have missed his brother's wedding for anything, and unfortunately thought his brother was of the same mind, which is mostly why he's so hurt by the situation. I'm fully aware that this sounds a bit selfish, but it doesn't give anyone a right to start calling me names or crucifying me for this. I'm sure there's PLENTY of times where each of you has been selfish over something silly. I'm pretty sure if you were in this situation you wouldn't be all "oh okay, that's fine... congratulations" I'm betting you'd be a bit annoyed and upset too! Also, the point of my original message was NOT to have people tell me what they think of how I feel... I wanted advice on how to handle the situation. I haven't been to many weddings, and the ones I have been to, there is always a best man, who does the stuff with the rings/registry, and gives a speech about the groom. So I wasn't sure what to do in a situation where a best man might not make it. THAT'S the point of my original message. I'm sure my FI would be pretty upset if during speeches nobody got up to toast him. To those who have given constructive advice, thank you. I've discussed the possibilty of having a 'second' best man, who could share duties with the brother if he attends, or take over completely if he doesn't; or to just ask a groomsman to step in if the brother doesn't show if he's uncomfortable with having 2 best mans.
Posted by ashleymjo[/QUOTE]

1. FBIL and FSIL family planning is none of your or FIs business. You do not get to judge their decisions to bring a child into this world.

2. You say that FBIL is not financially stable but you expect him to fly from Europe to Canada for your wedding. Note: There are a lot more expenses involved in an overseas trip than one discounted plane ticket.

3. None of our weddings were perfect. We all had disappointments. But we put on our big girl panties, gained some perspective and moved on.

4. Plenty of people responded about ways to help regarding the speeches, marriage license etc. (Any adult can sign a marriage license, anyone can hold the rings, anyone who volunteers can give a toast)

5. There are no "duties" that a second BM or a GM would need to share.

artbyallie · October 2012

You DID get advice on how to handle the situation. In fact, I offered some. You put him in the program anyway and move on. Clearly that wasn't the advice you were looking for, but it's the correct response nonetheless. There is literally nothing a best man normally does that can't be handled by someone else.

harper0813 · October 2012

Goodness, people here on The Knot aren't very nice. I just don't understand why people here enjoy attacking other people so much.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest - Ashley, I'm sorry to hear that a wrench has been thrown into your and your fiance's big day. That must be very saddening for him that his brother and best man can't be a part of his big day - I would be very disappointed, too, if my maid of honor (or my fiance's best man) had to back out. I'd imagine the fact that it's a happy occasion makes it confusing for you, because I'm assuming your fiance was at your brother's wedding.

That being said, I think it would be acceptable to keep him as your honorary best man (and explain in the program that he wasn't able to be present due to the birth his child, and maybe even circulate a picture of the little babe!) and leave the other men as just groomsmen, or make him honorary and include a second best man who is present to hold the rings, plan the bachelor party, give the speech, etc. I mean, you'll need someone to carry out those responsibilities anyway. Maybe his brother can record a video "speech" that you can watch on the day of privately or at the reception!

Best of luck!

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