How should I tell my mom.... (back story and question)

volleygurl0306 · March 2012

....I'm changing my middle name to her name when we marry? My current name first and middle name was the first and last name of my dad's maternal grandmother. Last name is my dad's last name. Well, I've mentioned before how most of my dad's side and I don't speak because they disapprove of me and FI. And specifically, my grandmother (who's mom I'm named after) is particularly vocal and hateful. I don't want anything to do with this name really. It brings me nothing but pain and anger. And it especially does not deserve to be next to my FI's last name that I will be taking. My dad said it would hurt him if I dropped my middle name but I think he just has to understand that regardless of how great his grandma was to him (never met her), she raised a she-devil that treats me horribly. Plus, not like I'm going to change my first name so he still has that.

But, even just making my maiden name my middle name brings me anguish because that's still the name of a hurtful side of my family. I considered my mom's mom's name since her and I were close until she passed 5 years ago but I thought taking one grandma's name in lieu of another's would really slap my dad in the face. My mom has been incredible through all of this and been more supportive than I could have imagined. I'd be so proud to have her name as my middle name (and she totally got shafted in the naming of my brothers and me...only my younger brother's middle name represents her side, everything else is my dad's side).

I will be getting her a hankie as a present for the wedding and instead of having it embroidered "Love, Kathryn" I was going to put "Love, Kathryn Susan" so she has it tangible that I'm taking her name and that that is the day that marks my new name. But, I'm torn if I should have a private moment with her the day of the wedding and tell her then or if that's just waaay too much emotions for one day (she's a crier as am I) and I should do it before. Definitely don't want to do it in public (like if I were to take her to lunch or something) but seems like just a really random thing to bring up outside of on the wedding day. Suggestions?

entropicbeauty · March 2012

I would wait till after the wedding, there is already going to be a lot going on that day and you won't legally be changing your name till after the wedding anyways.

volleygurl0306 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_how-should-i-tell-my-mom-back-story-and-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:81966612-3465-4f0a-b54d-2b1ca4727ec2Post:25748781-4343-4a45-9137-e370a4c24f1c">Re: How should I tell my mom.... (back story and question)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would wait till after the wedding, there is already going to be a lot going on that day and you won't legally be changing your name till after the wedding anyways.
Posted by entropicbeauty[/QUOTE]

Thanks, but that won't work because I want to give her the hankie the day of the wedding and put my new middle name on it. Even if it's not quite legal, I'll consider my new middle and last name my name starting on my wedding day.

abcollins08 · March 2012

Could you give it to her the night before? Maybe pull her aside after the rehearsal/dinner and explain to her what you're doing.
I think taking on her name is a beautiful thing to do, she will be so honored and love it!

BMcLeodTeam · March 2012

I agree with PP, maybe have the talk with her the night before, having a private moment, that way it splits the emotions up a bit

gabriel0915 · March 2012

That's exactly what I was going to say. The night before would be a great time. You could give her the hankie and when she sees it, you can tell her. I think she would love that surprise.

DreamCLG7 · March 2012

No advice - but I do have a question: do you have to go through any different procedures to change your middle name when you get married?

volleygurl0306 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_how-should-i-tell-my-mom-back-story-and-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:81966612-3465-4f0a-b54d-2b1ca4727ec2Post:ec634fe1-6d0d-40a9-9f38-c6327bd20d20">Re: How should I tell my mom.... (back story and question)</a>:
[QUOTE]No advice - but I do have a question: do you have to go through any different procedures to change your middle name when you get married?
Posted by DreamCLG7[/QUOTE]

I don't think so. I think it is the same process if you want to change just one part of your name or your entire name. I haven't actually thought of this but I'd just assume you write out on the forms what you want your new name to be in full because you can change your name for any reason you want so I can't imagine you would have to do first, middle, and last any differently.

volleygurl0306 · March 2012

I just googled it and it seems to be more complicated than I thought! It varies by state what you have to do but apparently if you change you name beyond taking your FI's last name (or dropping a name in the case of divorce) it requires a little more work. I'm going to do more research soon to find out how to do this fairly smoothly!

L&K2012 · March 2012

it must be possible because a lot of people turn their maiden name into their middle name, I am thinking about doing that.... so I imagine that isn't TOO much of a challenge as I know many people who have done it!

FutureMrsR5711 · March 2012

I think it will be a super surprise for your mom. As PP's have said, have a private moment in the days leading up to the wedding. Maybe if you two can take a walk. Have some tissues at the ready as you are facing water works. But this honor will be creating only tears of joy for her.
As for your father and his side, just be strong and don't let them pressure you to do what they want. You're the adult getting married. You make the choices.
xo

volleygurl0306 · March 2012

Thanks ladies! We are having a semi-DW (my whole side out of town, his side 1-2 hours away) so Friday night will probably be pretty hectic with everyone getting in town. The day before I think my mom and I are going to get our nails done together just us, or she'll get in town by Thursday before others arrive so I think I'll take some time alone with her to tell her. Should be easy enough to do because I'm sure my dad will bolt to the golf course the second we start trying to do wedding projects.

How should I tell my mom.... (back story and question)

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