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My FI has not told his Daughter!

downtownbebebrowndowntownbebebrown
100 Comments
in Second Weddings
Hi Ladies,
Its my first time on this board. Sorry sooo long.

Its my 1st wedding and my FI's 2nd. His daughter is from his first relationship (never married, on and off for 15yrs). 
Sarah is almost 30. However she is childlike in nature and an artist, who still lives with her Mother. 

The problem i am facing is that, My FI did not tell her we got engaged in Aug of last year. I gave him a lot of time and starting this year til now i have seriously brought up the issue.

He is draggin his feet b/c of how she responded in regards to his previous marraige. That was 11yrs ago and it ended very badly. Her Mother (his 1stX) told him "I told you so" and his daughter mentioned to me one time that she "never liked the woman and that she was cold" Also my FI said that she was invited and did not attend the wedding. Also he explained that he feels she holds a grudge against him for never marrying the Mother etc. I explained that if we get married without her knowing and she finds out later that could really damage their already estranged relationship.

Anywho. I tried to explain that she has grown up a lot in 11yrs and i would like to have her at the wedding. His daughter would be the only blood relative from his side. He told me to email her or call her and tell her. I am not sure if he meant this, as i was in no way breaking the news to his only daughter. That is his job as a father.

What to do? I want to mail out my STD soon and i supose i will wait on hers. Should i be the one to let her know? How do i get him to tell her?
Should i not push and not invite her, if that is his wish?

This is beyond anything i have ever delt with.

Thanks for reading and responding.


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Re: My FI has not told his Daughter!

  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Welcome, welcome.  I am sorry you are going through this.  To be honest, I have never heard of anyone refusing to tell their adult children about an upcoming marriage.  And so, I am going to leave this one up to the ladies who have much more experience than I.

    I wish you all the best!
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  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Congratulations and welcome!! 

    Your FI needs to get over his past issues with his daughter and tell her.  Kids (adult or otherwise) need to be told the truth and not have things hidden from them. 

    You could ask him why he has put this on you to tell her.  Do you have a relationship with her and is it better than the one he has with her?  If you have a relationship with her,  you should also tell her so that she doesn't feel that you are being sneaky or leaving her out.
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  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011

    Welcome! Sorry to hear about this issue for you.

    Of all the people involved in my marriage to my fiance (he has 3 kids, I have 2), the only one that had issues was my now 16 y/o daughter. Her dad married a total bitch-wicked stepmother type, and the thought of her mom getting married scared the crap out of her. I'm the only parent she considers "hers", LOL.

    She has come around, is my MOH, and I use her now as a sounding board for my wedding plans. She is very artistic and helps a LOT. I appreciate her vision.


    My fiance is VERY non-confrontational, he'll do anything to "keep the peace". Your fiance sounds the same. If your fiance cannot tell her himself, then I'd recommend that you both do it together. Explain what a miracle it is to find someone you love with your whole heart, especially later in life.


    This is very difficult, even with adult children..........trust me, I know, LOL. Do whatever you can to allow your fiance to maintain a reasonable relationship with his daughter. Because she lives with her mom, she'll be involved in your life as much as she wants, but it's not like she's 6 and has to have visitation with him based on some schedule.


    Good luck.

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  • downtownbebebrowndowntownbebebrown
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Ladies,

    I am a giving him another month for him to do it on his own. After that i will  tell her myself and hope she is supportive. I would love if she would attend, and i will speak on  belhalf of her father.
    Maybe i can help bridge the gap they created, b/c of his horrble x-wife.

    I will let you know either way.

    xxB
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  • kimber9999kimber9999
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    The daughter is 30 and her father cant talk to her?  I think this should be something that your FI should be dealing with, is HIS daughter...time to man up and have an adult conversation to his adult daughter

    sorry thats my thoughts
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  • AbbeyS2011AbbeyS2011 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    He should meet her alone for lunch or coffee or whatever, and let her know.  I agree with PPs - his daughter is an adult and old enough to make her own decisions about things. 

    It is not your place to tell his child the two of you are engaged. 
    Anniversary
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