warning rant ahead

darkpixie04 · December 2010

hey ladies,
I introduced myself on the board a few weeks ago I have been on the knot forever to look at dresses and such and because I have helped plan my friends wedding and had a failed engagement.
Anyway long story short I am with someone very nice now and I love him, however there is this huge snag in our relationship ....his family. Two of his sisters hate me and do anything they can to make things horrible for me and his brother in law has been sexually inappropriate to me and then bad mouthed me for the world to see. Through out all of this nothing has really been done to make me feel more comfortable. I am now apprehensive about traveling to see his family again due to all of this drama. What do you ladies think I should do?

AudgiePodge · December 2010

Why do they hate you? Did you do something?

nottheonlydreamer44 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_warning-rant-ahead?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e529c7a6-2869-43a1-b7c3-25931c1d1881Post:94dda953-49cf-45b6-80b2-82d04d7e194f">Re: warning rant ahead</a>:
[QUOTE]Why do they hate you? Did you do something?
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

I second AP - is there a reason why? I am going through something sort of similiar with my soon to be MIL but she doesn't like me because she is BSC and thinks I am stealing her child from her.

We need more details.

stemms8810 · December 2010

Do you know the reasons for why his sisters hate you? Is is something that can be fixed? It is very inappropriate for your BF's brother to be sexually inappropriate towards you and to have your BF to not do anything about it worries me. If he won't stick up for you now, he won't after you are married. I think your BF should be trying to smooth things over between you and his family to make everything comfortable for both parties.

MissOwl · December 2010

You definitely need to get your boyfriend involved. PP are right. Maybe he can intervene with his brother or help you figure out what to say to the sisters so that you can clear things up. good luck.

darkpixie04 · December 2010

Hey ladies he wrote a letter to his family and he spoke w his mom about it , its just nothing ever got resolved and I feel very well out of place due to the whole thing. I never did anything to his sisters I have tried to be supportive and they shun me due to the fact that I am different from them and I don't dress or act like they do they act like children and then they scream at me and at him and at their mother about how I am so horrible.

Ana_2985 · December 2010

Your BF needs to do more. He should not be expecting you to see his family until this is resolved and, IMO, he shouldn't be interested in seeing his family either.

Do you tell him you are uncomfortable? Have you asked him what he thinks the next step should be?

heyimbren · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_warning-rant-ahead?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e529c7a6-2869-43a1-b7c3-25931c1d1881Post:daf0eb2a-a288-43cf-b31d-2401e4e034d6">Re: warning rant ahead</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey ladies he wrote a letter to his family and he spoke w his mom about it , its just nothing ever got resolved and I feel very well out of place due to the whole thing. I never did anything to his sisters I have tried to be supportive and they shun me due to the fact that I am different from them and I don't dress or act like they do they act like children and then they scream at me and at him and at their mother about how I am so horrible.
Posted by darkpixie04[/QUOTE]

TBH, I would hazard a guess that there is more to this situation than what's been said here.

But I don't think I could be with a man who didn't find a solution quickly to this problem. Especially if his brother was sexually inappropriate with you.

EDIT: Ana's response is exactly how I feel about this as well.

darkpixie04 · December 2010

I have told him, his mom really misses him and he wont go down with out me. He has been away from home with boarding school/ college since age 14 so he is used to not seeing them and I feel like I'm a *itch if I dont go due to my issues with his BIL and sisters so I am really not sure what to do. His mom just wants to sweep all of this under the carpet and I just cant. Am I being to sensitive ladies? And thank you for your feedback so far I agree I am just trying to find a happy medium relationships are about compromise right?

whereyat · December 2010

I know you're not asking for advice per se, *but* I think ,like the PPs have been saying, try to determine WHY they hate you.

You mentioned b/c you are "different"....are they racist? jealous of something? - your relationship w/BF, your achievements in life, etc? Do you ACT in ways to try to make yourself different/"better" than them, do you turn up your nose at them? (I'm not accusing, I'm just saying, these are some things to think of).

They may very well be BSC, but if there are ~compromises~ you can make, or just hold your tongue most of the time if they're saying snarky things, that might help.

However, there is NO EXCUSE for the BIL to be sexually inappropriate to you. Your BF needs to tell the fam that if BIL continues to do this, the both of you will not feel comfortable visiting with him there any more. You "don't want to create an uncomfortable situation" is how he can put it.....

You don't have to tell us per se, but just some things to think about and work through.

darkpixie04 · December 2010

hey bren yes there is more the BIL threatened me and my bf... sry for all the drama I was trying not to get to far into it.

AudgiePodge · December 2010

If you plan on being with him, he and you need to try to resolve it. I wouldn't go see his family unless it was. I assume you'd have to travel. Would you stay with them? That would make for an awkward trip for you.

If they don't want to try or aren't willing to, well poop on them. Not literally. Do not poop on anyone.

stemms8810 · December 2010

If the letter didn't work then he needs to speak to them all in person and really communicate how important this is to you because you care about him and want their respect and to be cordial at least. If his mom wants to sweep this under the carpet like you said then they all need to drop whatever the problem is and just be nice.

AudgiePodge · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_warning-rant-ahead?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:e529c7a6-2869-43a1-b7c3-25931c1d1881Post:e443bd18-335b-45ad-af30-ec32c91993af">Re: warning rant ahead</a>:
[QUOTE]I have told him, his mom really misses him and he wont go down with out me. He has been away from home with boarding school/ college since age 14 so he is used to not seeing them and I feel like I'm a *itch if I dont go due to my issues with his BIL and sisters so I am really not sure what to do. <strong>His mom just wants to sweep all of this under the carpet and I just cant.</strong> Am I being to sensitive ladies? And thank you for your feedback so far I agree I am just trying to find a happy medium relationships are about compromise right?
Posted by darkpixie04[/QUOTE]

Maybe you need to suck it up and give the family another chance. If they continue then at least you can say you tried.

heyimbren · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_warning-rant-ahead?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:e529c7a6-2869-43a1-b7c3-25931c1d1881Post:b3c93634-defc-46be-8148-37ae1e0b3210">Re: warning rant ahead</a>:
[QUOTE]hey bren yes there is more the BIL threatened me and my bf... sry for all the drama I was trying not to get to far into it.
Posted by darkpixie04[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't go near people who did that to me. I would put my foot down and say no. If someoen threatened me (depending on how serious the threat was) I'd have them criminally charged.

And if my BF couldn't respect me enough to stand up for me to people like that, I'd walk away from him. I don't think this is the advice you want to hear, but that's what I'd do given the details you've given.

If it was just that the sisters didn't like you, I'd say there are some issues to work out and compromise is necessary. But with threads and sexual harrassment involved, I wouldn't do it.

darkpixie04 · December 2010

Thanks AP for the advice it is nice to have bluntness from another woman:) I shall try and thanks ladies for the things to think about I definitely will be going through all of that in my mind. I guess with all of this I think I may go to Florida after all.

darkpixie04 · December 2010

hey bren your right more needs to be done and i am so passive big problem of mins I do need to stand up for myself.

Ana_2985 · December 2010

My opinion really depends on the seriousness this sexual inappropriateness. Meaning - are you just being dramatic and he made a tasteless joke or was it something really truly awful? If it's the latter, than I would absolutely not be sweeping anything under any rugs. And what kind of threats? Is this serious? I never know what to think because people have such a tendency to exaggerate "drama".

If you think maybe you're being a little sensitive then I'd say just try to suck it up for a few hours and visit his family if it's that important to him. Not everyone will like you and you won't like everyone. That's fine. You just need to be polite and try to ignore his sisters.

But since only you know the details of what happened, I think that's something you need to decide personally.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2010

If his family is being REALLY nasty/inappropriate/cruel to you, your BF should stick up for you.

If he refuses to, I say DTMFA.

Jeez, that's the second time today I had to give that advice.

Blue & White · December 2010

Bren and I were talking (yesterday) about how important it is for our BF's families to love the crap out of us - because I'm crazy close with my family, I really need that in my life. Of course, I have friends that could care less too.

So my advice would actually be to evaluate how you feel about this situation - do you want to be close to them? Or at least civil (that makes it easier)?

If so, I'd give them one more shot (because I'm too nice) - but to do that, you kinda have to forgive them for what they've done in the past (and to me, sexual inappropriateness, even verbal, would not be that forgiveable...) That's really hard.

Just make sure your boyfriend is on your side, because otherwise you're fighting an uphill battle you're never going to win.

Plus, it's warm in FL right now. So there's that too.

darkpixie04 · December 2010

We have been together nearly two years, the sexual inappropriateness was that his brother in law on vacation came out of his room in the common room in his underwear and when I told him to go put so clothes on he started rubbing and touching himself in front of me and saying things like you know you want me you think im sexy your just jealous cause your bf doesn't look this hot. This went on for several days. He also came out in nothing but a towel at one point and rubbing his area and told me why don't you come get it. Needless to say this made me feel very uncomfortable.

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