some people just don't get it...Major venting here!!

NJdevils155 · January 2011

Sorry but I need to vent. My fiance is pretty mad, so I've kept calm and calmed him down, but I'm pretty mad myself. We are having a 14 and older wedding ceremony and reception for 3 good reasons. After searching the etiquette board we figured the nicest way to let everyone know is to address the envelope to only those invited. We made our own invitations and response cards so we only put those invited on the response card i.e. Attending: John Doe ___Yes ___No. On top of that, last year when all of the aunts and uncles were together for a barbeque, we gave out save-the-date magnets in exchange for everyone's address and said we'd be doing 14 and older along with other details. We just sent out the invitations and it's turned into this HUGE thing!!!!!!! They're pulling the guilt trip on us saying that all the cousins were planning on coming and bringing their kids so they can see their great-grandparents (my fiance's grandparents). We're not stopping them from coming, they can come whenever. If it was that important they should've come last year for a graduation party to celebrate the graduation of my fiance, his sister and his cousin (who lives here). Why does anyone need a wedding to see their family? On top of that, one aunt and uncle replied "attending" already, found out their bratty 11 year old was invited (by seeing 14 and older on our wedding website) and retracted their "attending". If they want to be this way, fine with us, there are a few friends and close coworkers we wanted to invite but didn't because family was more important to us, apparently we're the only ones who value family and don't need a wedding to visit family.

uneek1323 · January 2011

Try to calm down.

1. You should have never said that it's a 14 and over wedding. It's rude to tell people who is not invited.

2. Your family should have never assumed who was invited.

3 You're right. You don't need a wedding to see family.

4. If having family there is important to you (ie your uncle backing out) then I would suck it up and invite the kids if budget and venue space allow for it. If you would rather have the type of wedding you want, then stick to your guns, but realize that this could result in long-lasting grudges (you know your family better than I do, of course).

I hope you can get this sorted out. Good luck!

kelsey+brandon · January 2011

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. Just take a few deep breaths when stuff like this gets to you. After all, the main reason for your wedding is for you and your FI to commit your lives to each other, not to get stressed out by his family!

With that said, I think it's perfectly acceptable that you asked for guests to be 14 and older. I wouldn't have put it on the website, but I think that only addressing the invitations and response cards to those invited was definitely the way to go. If they RSVP for more than those on the response card, then you or FI need to call them and calmly and politely explain that due to the size of the wedding, you will not be able to accommodate their children. This goes for anyone who RSVPs for someone else than the people you specifically invited. And it's not like this guest in particular is right at the cut off of being able to come, she's still 3 years away!

We don't plan on having children at our wedding under a certain age unless we are very close to them in particular (like the kids I used to nanny for), but we haven't had to deal with that for many more months.

NJdevils155 · January 2011

We had to tell people it was 14 and older because everyone started making arrangements to bring their kids with an uncle who lives here. The uncle who lives here knows our budget constraints and didn't say anything, called us and told us what was happening. No one on his side understood what it meant when we addressed the response cards to only those invited. When the one uncle replied he didn't add his daughter's name to the response card so we figured they knew what it meant when we received the response card back. Through the grapevine we heard he was planning to bring his daughter. If we include all kids under 14 we're adding close to 20 guests and that is just too many people for us. On my side of the family it was no big deal. My half-brother asked me about his 4 kids not being on the invite and I explained, he said that's perfectly exceptable and arranged for childcare. My fiance's family is just blowing this out of proportion!!

HeelsDeahl · January 2011

Your post title says it all. Some people will never get it either. You can't make everyone happy, so make sure you make yourself happy with the situation. If they can't deal with it, there is not much you can do. Kinda blunt but otherwise you will kill yourself trying to make everyone pleased.

hmz819 · January 2011

I don't think you should have to invite kids to your wedding. Where are you having the wedding. If this is turning into a big thing maybe you can tell the parents that the kids can come but they will be staying in another room with babysitters that you have hired. The kids must stay there....they will not be allowed in the wedding reception. I am not sure that will work for your family but for about $200 you could have 3 babysitters some pizza and soda and hopefully everyone would be happy!

CltBride2008 · January 2011

Girl you have no idea. My family is being totally absurd about this too - they want to bring their screaming babies to our ceremony and say we are rude and they may not be able to come.

My response - dont come. It's my wedding and I dont want babies screaming during the vows

alliegator8 · January 2011

For our wedding, we made it clear that the names on the invites were the only ones invited. And we made sure to explain that to people who had childern. They were all understanding. Most parents with children know that could be an issue.

Like PPs said, it's your wedding. And, your paying for it! if you don't want children at your wedding, there won't be children there. The one thing is that you must enforce that rule for everyone. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. if they want there kids to come to see "grandma" fine. Like you said, there is nothing stopping them from visiting. They just aren't invited to the wedding. The purpose of the wedding is to celebrate with you, not visit with other family (it just happens to work that way most of the time).

Good luck!

tataylo2 · January 2011

[QUOTE]I don't think you should have to invite kids to your wedding. Where are you having the wedding. If this is turning into a big thing maybe you can tell the parents that the kids can come but they will be staying in another room with babysitters that you have hired. The kids must stay there....they will not be allowed in the wedding reception. I am not sure that will work for your family but for about $200 you could <strong>have 3 babysitters some pizza and soda</strong> and hopefully everyone would be happy!
Posted by hmz819[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with this. I will definitely be doing this for my reception but I'm unsure of what to do for the ceremony.</div><div>
</div><div>My bf and I attended a wedding in November and there were so many children there. There wasn't enough seating and some people refused to hold their children to make room for invited guests. At a certain age children are able to discern when to be quiet but between the ages of 0-5, they don't understand that ceremonies are sacred and quiet. During this particular wedding ceremony the officiant actually stopped on more than one occasion during the vows until the baby was quieted and eventually taken out by the mother. How embarrassing! The bride gave the mother an evil glare and her entire mood changed after the incident.</div><div>
</div><div>Stick to your guns! It's your wedding! You have the right to be happy and enjoy it!

</div>

laurenes · January 2011

Can't say much more than what previous posters did - stick to your guns! There's no crime in having an adults/young adults only reception. My FMIL was totally cool with this, after going to a wedding reception where cranky children were getting underfoot the tipsy adults and it was no bueno.

They certainly don't need your wedding to be the only time family gets together. Someone (not you) could probably suggest to them that they come for the weekend if they really want to see everyone, but leave the kids with a sitter. If you really want to please everyone and you have the budget, I would look in to getting the sitter/pizza/soda/movie thing so that parents can have a drop off place for the children too young to be there.

If you don't want to pay for that (completely understandable), I would see if there is a supportive family member to help you out. These people, to be quite blunt, are obviously too dense to understand why their kids can't come, and are probably going to villianize you if you are the messanger/enforcer of this rule. See if one of your parents or possibly even that uncle can be the one to lay down the law. I've found that when senior members of the family farther up in the "family hierarchy" deliver the message, people tend to stfu and keep their grumbling to themselves rather than guilt trip you

Plumbb2 · January 2011

I think you do what you want. Just make sure it is consistent with all, as you seem to be. My sisters friend just got married last year and she told me and a couple of the girls going that she didn't want kids to attend the event and asked us what she should do. Considering her invites had already gone out we suggested word of mouth. Well I spread the word to my sister who has a child so she didn't bring him. The day of the wedding there where like 12 kids there ranging from infant to age 7. My sister was very hurt and felt like she was singled out. There is history with my sister and that bride which just made it worst.

tmblickley · January 2011

My sister had children at her wedding and one mother let her child walk right up to the flower girls in the middle of their vows. When the mother finally grabbed her child, the girl screamed through the rest of the ceremony. Right then and there I decided there were going to be no children at my wedding. I've explained to my guests with children that if they'd like me to look into childcare arrangements, I would. Most have agreed to leave them with friends or extended family for the weekend, so they could enjoy our event.

Bottom line, you shouldn't have to worry about their children upsetting you on your day. They can come and enjoy the festivities without children or not at all.

some people just don't get it...Major venting here!!

Re: some people just don't get it...Major venting here!!

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