Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding?

pyjamazombie · June 2012

This will be my second wedding, but his first.

The first time I got married I had just turned 17. It was thrown together in a really small church, my mother in law took charge of absolutely everything and greasy Southern food was served buffet style on paper plates. I didn't have the dress I wanted, I had a cheap used one. I made my own veil. There was no dancing and no alcohol and no honeymoon. I cried the whole day. The marriage did not last very long. Obviously, since I was a kid.

He loves weddings, and he's always wanted a proper one. His family and friends make a big deal out of them too, and I know he'd be crushed if he didn't get his traditional wedding.

But I'm afraid that since I'm technically getting married twice, that would be improper. I know that second weddings are supposed to be more laid back, but I don't want him to miss out on the experience. However, I also don't want my family to think I'm greedy or rude by trying to have a traditional wedding.

Can't help but feel like I ruined things for both of us.

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

I see nothing wrong with having a "traditional" or big wedding as your second wedding. I haven't heard that second weddings are supposed to be laid-back. There is a second weddings board here under "special topics" that you might find helpful. I would definitely not side-eye a second wedding that was fancy or nice or traditional. I say go for it.

achiduck · June 2012

It doesn't matter that this will be your second. You can still have a traditional wedding.

baystateapple · June 2012

I don't see why you guys can't have a beautiful second wedding. It's his first. There are plenty of women on this site who have beautiful big weddings as their second weddings.

whitsy · June 2012

Have your cake and eat it too.

I'm just being nosy here, do you cry the whole day because you knew it was a mistake?

Katelyn89 · June 2012

You can have a traditional wedding even though it is your second, many people do.

LP11509 · June 2012

Breathe.

There is no rule that says you can't have a big white puffy dress, a bridal party, alcohol, dancing, a chocolate fountain, a photobooth, or anything else you may want just because it's your second wedding. As long as you properly host your guests and make sure everyone is comfortable, then have at it! You didn't ruin anything. Promise. Congratulations on your engagement!

Simply Fated · June 2012

Regardless if you've been married before, it's his first wedding. More importantly, it's your first (and only!) wedding together. This is about you and him and what you guys want, not what about you had the first time around.

rsaleh84 · June 2012

I agree...enjoy yourself and celebrate your love for each other whichever way suits you both. Don't let guilt or what other people think get in the way of making yourself happy.

GinaV0822 · June 2012

I was married 15 years ago when I was 24 and I've been divorced for 7 years. It's my 2nd wedding and FI's first. At first I thought people would think it's weird for me to have a traditional wedding but they didn't. Although they thought we would do a destination. But as FI and I talked about it, we realized that we did want a traditional wedding and there are so many new friends/family that will be a part of it. I was hesitant at first to do this but I realize now that we are in the planning stages that I would have completely regretted not doing this.

Hopefully you feel like I do in that we finally found the right one, why not do it up exactly as we want!

pyjamazombie · June 2012

Wow, overwhelming support! Thank you guys so much, I feel better about everything now!

I will definitely look into the second weddings board, too.

What about inviting my side of the family? I don't want them to think I really expect a gift from them, but I know some people view invitations that way.

I agree with the idea of steering clear of showers and the like, we're integrating households so there's not really anything we need anyway.

jemmini6 · June 2012

There's absolutely no reason you can't have a big traditional wedding, especially since it's his first (even if it wasn't, there's no rule stating second weddings have to be informal). Do whatever makes you happy!

pyjamazombie · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-i-lose-my-chance-at-my-dream-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec0393df-c3e5-482d-bd6e-e301a4a49ffcPost:ee9009af-7c3b-40e6-88a3-0841c7ca5af8">Re: Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Have your cake and eat it too. I'm just being nosy here, do you cry the whole day because you knew it was a mistake?
Posted by whitsy[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I think in the long run, that probably had a lot to do with it. But at the time I think I was just frustrated because I nothing had turned out the way I'd wanted, and the MIL was making my life miserable. </div>

pyjamazombie · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-i-lose-my-chance-at-my-dream-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec0393df-c3e5-482d-bd6e-e301a4a49ffcPost:c61adcdf-0471-4f06-97fa-94d52470b977">Re: Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was married 15 years ago when I was 24 and I've been divorced for 7 years. It's my 2nd wedding and FI's first. At first I thought people would think it's weird for me to have a traditional wedding but they didn't. Although they thought we would do a destination. But as FI and I talked about it, we realized that we did want a traditional wedding and there are so many new friends/family that will be a part of it. I was hesitant at first to do this but I realize now that we are in the planning stages that I would have completely regretted not doing this. Hopefully you feel like I do in that we finally found the right one, why not do it up exactly as we want!
Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]

<div>That's exactly how I feel, Gina, Thanks. So glad it's going well for you! </div>

RebeccaB88 · June 2012

Agree with the others - this is you marrying each other, which you've never done before. Have the wedding you want.

FWIW, gifts aren't required at any wedding. If people want to give you a gift, they will. If not, they won't. Having given you a gift for your first wedding doesn't matter. This is THIS wedding. What happened before doesn't matter now. You can do a small registry of special/fun items you pick out together, or upgrades of what you have now.

blgrout · June 2012

My DH was married once before, and we thought that his family would find our wedding to be NBD, since he was already married once. We did have a traditional wedding, because we both wanted it, and to our shock, just about everyone in his family came to our wedding (no small feat, they live 4 hours away and hate driving for anything that's more than an hour from their town). I don't think anyone in his family viewed our inviting them as us saying "yes, we'll take a gift please".

Anyhoo, my point is, have your wedding your way. It's about celebrating you and your FI, and you guys can do that anyway you see fit.

P.S. Congratulations

zantster · June 2012

This will be my second marriage and my FI's first. The first ceremony in 2009 was before a judge at a courthouse in a small room with his mom and my aunt (my mom passed when I was 16) and lasted 2 years including separation and divorce court. But I knew I should have been strong and not gone through with it from the beginning.

My FI and I are getting married in 2013. His family are super excited and helping me with the planning. I honestly don't know who will be there from my family based on the relatively recent nature of everything. But with the exception of my aunt who acted as a witness, they have never received an invitation for or attended a wedding involving me before even though they knew I got married. And this one won't take place until late next year. So we are doing it up BIG cause we can afford it without going into debt. Plus it's his first and definitely our last. He is the one! Do what you want and enjoy every second of it. All the best!

MyUserName1 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-i-lose-my-chance-at-my-dream-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec0393df-c3e5-482d-bd6e-e301a4a49ffcPost:0bbbce27-b6b0-4a11-ab37-f0c044991d44">Re: Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]The rules for second weddings have changed in the last 30 years. You can properly have a traditional white wedding with all the trimmings, if that is what you want. <strong> The only rules are that you cannot be given away, and you shouldn't wear a veil that covers your face.</strong> Here is a website that might help you. <a href="http://www.idotaketwo.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.idotaketwo.com/</a>
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

My dad walked me down the aisle AND I wore a birdcage veil over my face.

Doing it wrong!

I think that if you had just been married last year and now are having a huge traditional wedding, that would be a bit much. But it sounds like it's been a fairly long time between weddings, so I think your family is unlikely to side-eye an invitation to to his one.

zantster · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-i-lose-my-chance-at-my-dream-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec0393df-c3e5-482d-bd6e-e301a4a49ffcPost:5e05c58a-6c1b-4690-9ba8-f4843681c4bf">Re: Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]My DH was married once before, and we thought that his family would find our wedding to be NBD, since he was already married once. We did have a traditional wedding, because we both wanted it, and to our shock, just about everyone in his family came to our wedding (no small feat, they live 4 hours away and hate driving for anything that's more than an hour from their town). I don't think anyone in his family viewed our inviting them as us saying "yes, we'll take a gift please". Anyhoo, my point is, have your wedding your way. It's about celebrating you and your FI, and you guys can do that anyway you see fit. P.S. Congratulations :)
Posted by blgrout[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your post. I have been wonderiing who will come from my family. But reading what you wrote makes me hopeful that there will be a good turnout from both sides.

Cortney1982 · June 2012

Have a proper wedding like your FI wants. I think you'll really enjoy it this time around! You should definitely invite your side of the familiy. Sending an invitation is never a demand for a gift so don't feel akward sending them. And if they decide they don't want to attend it is their loss.

zantster · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-i-lose-my-chance-at-my-dream-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec0393df-c3e5-482d-bd6e-e301a4a49ffcPost:669612a7-ceac-44d2-b5a8-cd2fbb1950c5">Re: Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding? : My dad walked me down the aisle AND I wore a birdcage veil over my face. Doing it wrong! I think that if you had just been married last year and now are having a huge traditional wedding, that would be a bit much. But it sounds like it's been a fairly long time between weddings, so I think your family is unlikely to side-eye an invitation to to his one.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

On the one hand I see where you're coming from about having the big wedding if it hasn't been 10 years or whatever since you were last married. But I think that if it's the first marriage and wedding for one of the ones who are engaged they shouldn't be denied an opportunity to have something because the one they fell in love and proposed to didn't meet that rule. My FI defnitely wants to have all the fixings and so do I. So I guess we'll be joining you (but no veil over face for me) in doing it to paraphrase Sinatra said, our way.

wadingmoose · June 2012

I agree with everyone here. Go for it and have the wedding both of you want.

I am a bit concerned with how you worded things. You sound like you have a lot of bitterness and anger over the first wedding and that just seems to be something you need to let go.

Also, you weren't just "technically" married before. You were married.

I worry that you're more focused on the perfect wedding than you are on marrying the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. What happens if this wedding doesn't turn out perfect? So many things happen that are out of our control and I worry that if things aren't picture perfect, you'll hold bitterness again and it'll affect your marriage, ya know?

I get that you were a kid the first time and that's probably why you cried all day. It seems you were missing a lot of perspective back then and you seem to be lacking the same now when you say things like, "Can't help but feel like I ruined things for both of us."

If, at the end of the day you go to bed and you're married, then you haven't ruined a thing.

"I don't want him to miss out on the experience." What experience do you think he'd really miss out on? What magical thing do you think happens at a big wedding that doesn't happen at a small wedding?

I get having the wedding you want. I just worry about how you've phrased things. That's all.

jyoung630 · June 2012

You did not lose your chance or ruin anything. You gained the chance to have a wedding that is uniquely both of you.

IMHO - the long and short of it is - this is a special day for the both of you - if you want to make the most of it with all the bells and whistles - GO FOR IT If you want sweet and simple, GO FOR IT. Just be happy. No one is going to look down on either of you for wanting your dream and celebrating something so special. It is just one day. What should be most important is the life you are building together.

I had a similar concern since my first marriage ended in divorce. I figure I didn't deserve a church wedding or to have a celebration. When my fiance proposed I asked for a very small ceremony - just us and the preacher. Don't even tell anyone. When I realized that his first marriage was performed at city hall with no one at all, I wanted to celebrate with him and have a church wedding. Together we have planned a nice ceremony that suits us both - family, friends, white gown, tux, flowers, cake and all. Now I am just as excited as he is and can't wait for our day.

daffydillie · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-i-lose-my-chance-at-my-dream-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec0393df-c3e5-482d-bd6e-e301a4a49ffcPost:dad4bb1b-c435-4466-9f26-61c27e94e65b">Re: Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]This will be my second marriage and my FI's first. The first ceremony in 2009 was before a judge at a courthouse in a small room with his mom and my aunt (my mom passed when I was 16) and lasted 2 years including separation and divorce court. But I knew I should have been strong and not gone through with it from the beginning. My FI and I are getting married in 2013. His family are super excited and helping me with the planning. I honestly don't know who will be there from my family based on the relatively recent nature of everything. But with the exception of my aunt who acted as a witness, they have never received an invitation for or attended a wedding involving me before even though they knew I got married. And this one won't take place until late next year. So we are doing it up BIG cause we can afford it without going into debt. Plus it's his first and definitely our last. He is the one! Do what you want and enjoy every second of it. All the best!
Posted by zantster[/QUOTE]

The same here. I was married in July 2009. Our marriage lasted less than 6 months. He beat me down, abused me, and smashed my heart to pieces. I cried on my wedding day. I spent the whole day alone. I was forced to have his whole family in my bridal party and they hated me. Looking at wedding pictures, it was full of his family. And to add insult to injury, they cut me out of my own wedding pictures and have them posted all over the internet denying that he ever got married. I just found out the divorce wasnt final when I went down to the courthouse to get a new deed for my house and my Ex is living with one of his girlfriends now and they have a kid and one on the way.

I am having a 250 person wedding, ivory dress, veil, the works. This is his first wedding and my last. I dont care what anyone says at this point I love my FI and that is all that truly matters to me.

Make you and your FI happy. People that love you will understand. My family just wants me to be happy. And they are actually excited this time.

pyjamazombie · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-i-lose-my-chance-at-my-dream-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec0393df-c3e5-482d-bd6e-e301a4a49ffcPost:36f26264-908b-4b66-93d9-244b137beed1">Re: Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with everyone here. Go for it and have the wedding both of you want. I am a bit concerned with how you worded things. You sound like you have a lot of bitterness and anger over the first wedding and that just seems to be something you need to let go. Also, you weren't just "technically" married before. You were married. I worry that you're more focused on the perfect wedding than you are on marrying the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. What happens if this wedding doesn't turn out perfect? So many things happen that are out of our control and I worry that if things aren't picture perfect, you'll hold bitterness again and it'll affect your marriage, ya know? I get that you were a kid the first time and that's probably why you cried all day. It seems you were missing a lot of perspective back then and you seem to be lacking the same now when you say things like, "Can't help but feel like I ruined things for both of us." If, at the end of the day you go to bed and you're married, then you haven't ruined a thing. "I don't want him to miss out on the experience." What experience do you think he'd really miss out on? What magical thing do you think happens at a big wedding that doesn't happen at a small wedding? I get having the wedding you want. I just worry about how you've phrased things. That's all.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes, you're right. I understand that there are much more important things than the actual day. Our life together is obviously the most important part, but having a wedding is something that's been described as a life goal of his.</div><div>
</div><div> The size or the smoothness of the wedding is not important, but it is the setup that I was worried about. I wasn't sure if it was ok for me to wear a traditional dress, or even invite my family. I didn't want to put any limitations on us. These were the things that were causing anxiety for me, which have now been put to rest thanks to the response from this board.</div>

pyjamazombie · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-i-lose-my-chance-at-my-dream-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec0393df-c3e5-482d-bd6e-e301a4a49ffcPost:f76bf641-30cd-407a-a88e-cb8d258c31cf">Re: Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding? : <strong>How long ago was the first wedding? </strong>If this was something that happened years ago I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure your family would understand that you were too young the first time and would be excited to celebrate with you now that you're in a mature adult relationship. If this was relatively recent you'd have to gauge your relationship with them. Would they think it's too soon or would they be thrilled regardless and want to be there to support you?
Posted by MeganLindsay5685[/QUOTE]

<div>It will have been ten years ago by the time we get married. </div>

ralbro · June 2012

Hi there! I know I'm a little late to this party, but just wanted to throw my two cents in since I've got some experience in this area as well.

First, congrats on your engagement! I remember that the second time around was so special and not filled with any anxiety like my first one was.

I was 18 when I got married the first time, and 28 the second time. My family was initially against my first marriage in the first place and then against divorce 4 years later, even after I explained the situation. (He was an alcoholic, drug user, and was abusing me physically and emotionally.) It was tough, but I got my divorce and my family has been supportive ever since.

I just got married for the second (and last!) time this past March. I was hesitant at first about what everyone would think, but it never even came up. Everyone was just so happy for us and it was great celebration with almost all of our friends and family. We were able to drink, dance, and just enjoy celebrating our marriage with the people closest to us.

I agree with PP that your families reaction will probably somewhat depend on how long ago your first marriage was. Even so, there's nothing that says you can't have the wedding you and your FI want to, even if it's the second time around for you. :-)

Best of luck to you!

NuggetBrain · June 2012

Pfft, girl, you go ahead and do whatever makes you and your fiance happy. Screw the haters.

amorg334 · June 2012

When my friends sister got married for a second time, she had the huge traditional wedding. Her first wedding was small like yours and she was young. So her second wedding was her husbands first so they had the entire huge thing and everyone loved it

bonge · June 2012

Just remember something. It may be your 2nd wedding but it is your 1st to you fiance!

ceceibson · June 2012

This will be my biggest, bestest wedding ever and it most certainly isn't my first, nor is it FI's.

My mother planned [and paid for] my first wedding and it was lovely, but all her. The marriage lasted 2 1/2 years. When my XH took up with his boss's secretary, I divorced him.

My second wedding was my H's first so it was another big-ish production. We planned it, I paid for it. I didn't wear a traditional gown, but only because I wanted something different [I wore my mother's dress the first time around]. The marraige lasted 10 years.

My third wedding was in Vegas, I remarried my second husband. He died 13 months later of cancer.

We just sent out our invitations for our August 18 wedding. We invited around 400 people. I'm wearing a spectacular ivory lace Pronovias gown. We're having a family party Friday night, a preception before our outdoor garden wedding, then a reception by the Lake, followed by an after-party.

My mother initially was quite criical of my having a big deal wedding at this point in my life. I very calmly explained to her that I refused to be penalized for XH 1's infidelity and late H's death, that WE want to celebrate our lives going forward and I hope she'll come and enjoy herself, end of discussion.

Did I lose my chance at my dream wedding?

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