process of elimination

Re: process of elimination

• Allycat11

  

  December 2011

  I would recommend sitting down and figuring out why you want a small wedding. 
  
  If it is budget:  I find people to be more important than things.  Find ways to properly host your guests for less, but to keep everyone you want on the guest list.  Some ways to do this would be, Friday night reception, brunch reception, barbeque or comfort food dinner, mid afternoon hors' douevers reception or late evening dessert reception.  You could also cut the budget elsewhere, less expensive venue, less expensive dress, dj, artificial flowers, etc....  You could even find a place that will allow you to bring in your own food (not a first choice due to the amount of work IMO).  There are TONS of ways to cut the budget so everyone you want to be there can be there. 
  
  If it is  because you really just want 80 people for whatever reason: I recommend cutting in tiers of people.  For example, keep all aunts, uncles and first cousins, cut anything more distant.  I would advise against cutting out some of your aunts and uncles from the guest list unless you want to start WW3 in your family. You can also eliminate +1s for truly single guests, keeping in mind anyone in a relationship at the time invites are mailed (no matter the length) should be invited with their SO.
  
  When you do make guest list cuts, keep in mind the opinions of anyone contributing money to the wedding. From the sounds of it you are paying for your own, but if either set of parents is contributing, they have a say in the guest list. 

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• emarston1 member

  

  December 2011

  Agree with PP - why the 80 people?  Was this just one of those "I can't imagine we'd need to invite more than 80 people!" but then you sit down and actually do the guestlist and it was 150, or do you truly want no more than 80 people there?
  
  Also, ditto PP, who is paying for the wedding?  Those who pay, get a say.  If you and your fiance are funding the entire wedding, you get absolute final say on the guestlist.  If parents are helping foot the bill, they get a say on who to invite which may include the cousins that you want to exclude.
  
  Also remember that just because you invite 150 people, doesn't mean that 150 will show up.  There is no general rule of thumb with what percentage won't show but it would be an extremely rare occurance for 100% attendance.

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• Sue-n-Kevin member

  

  December 2011

  My FI & I have always said we want a small wedding. Nothing crazy/big.
  The size of the wedding guest list does not determine "crazy/big". In my mind, "crazy/big" means how elaborate the wedding is. You can have a wedding with 80 guests and spend $8,000, that is crazy/big. You can also have a wedding with 150 guests on a less elaborate scale and also spend $8000.
  
  We thought we'd have maybe 80 guests TOPS. We sat down & wrote out our list. 150 is our total count! How do we eliminate without hurting feelings? It depends on who is on the list of 150. I agree with the prior posters, start with immediate family (ie both your siblings, their spouses/kids, grandparents and parents), then expand the list to include aunts & uncles. How many is that? Then include your BEST friends, which in my lifetime/terminology are the people you are either having in your wedding party, or people you can't imagine NOT inviting. Is that 80 people?
  
  We didn't want to invite people we barely talk to. But my father has 6 siblings. And then there are my cousins.At first I was only going to invite the ones I talk to/see more often. But if I invite one,  the rest are offended if they don't receive invites. Once you have drawn your circle mentioned above, then separately add up your cousins. If all your cousins, and your fiance's cousins, plus spouses add up to another 50 people, then you have to make a decision on whether they are invited or not. It's really not fair to ask some and not others.
  
  I don't want to hurt feelings but I don't want to go broke either! That is your goal. It is every bride's goal. That is why it is important to make a list of people in "circles" then determine if it fits within your budget or not.
  
  The very FIRST THING to determine is your budget. As Liz and Allycat mention above, who is paying? If it is just you and your fiance, then you decide the guest list. If your parents or his are contributing, they get a say in the guest list, but proportional to the money they are contributing. If it comes down to the fact they "think" your list should include first cousins and spouses of both sides, make sure you have their contribution BEFORE booking your venue........things change financially, and once the invitations are sent, or you've booked a venue that has a minimum cost or guest count, you are screwed.

  
  

  Kevin & I both determined we wanted to spend $5000 on our wedding, presumably for 100 people. Our venue only holds up to 100, so this was important. We ended up with only 73 guests including us, as none of my family from California came. I kept track of the budget/expenses for over 18 months. I added things as more money became available due to the declinations by guests.

  
  

  It takes willpower and a spine to stick to a budget when everyone around you seems to have an opinion or wants input. It's not easy, but we all did it.

  
  

  Read the posts at the top with stick pins for ideas of venues, reviews, and costs. I wanted to book a venue where we could bring in our own food and alcohol. I found the quotes of $30-$60 per person ridiculous. However, in the end I think we ended up spending about that amount when you add in the rentals, servers, etc. I'm happy with how our wedding turned out, but in the end I think the "cookie cutter" all inclusive venues with a per person charge for everything including the bar is much easier and less hectic. 
  
  Good luck.  

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• Trixa86 member

  

  December 2011

  Thanks for all the advice! My FI & I are paying for our wedding completely on our own. We've been loking at venues that accomodate up tpo 100 people or so bc they are in our price range. So, it's mostly bc of budget &  we both prefer to only invite those people we have more of a relationship with. Because of the situation w/ my father (he's been pretty much nonexistent my entire life), I'm also not very close with most of my relatives on his side. We had 80 kind of stuck in our heads bc at first we didn't really think we knew that many people lol. Most of the guest list is made up of the aunts/uncles & my adult cousins that I'm not as close with. We didn't realize how fast the guests would add up. Like I said in my orig post, there's 6 brothers/sisters on my father's side( & they each have at least 2 "kids" -not little kids, these are my adult cousins). We both have just always felt that invinting people you don't really see/speak to often is unnecessary but we also don't want to hurt feelings. lol I know I'm not the only bride to have this issue. I actually thought it'd be kinda easy to plan our wedding bc we were going to keep it small & nothing really elaborate. For me, the guest list is the hardest part & really the only thing causing me stress. Thanks again for all your input! I appreciate it.

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• entropicbeauty member

  

  December 2011

  My mom comes from a family of 17 kids, so I have a ridiculous amount of aunts/uncles/cousins...and you know what? I am only inviting the ones that I speak to on a regular basis or saw a lot of while I was growing up. I don't even know all of my cousin's names! Some of my aunts/uncles live so far away I don't really know them either, so I absolutely will not be feeling like I "have" to invite them.
  
  I also have one uncle who is a little...uhm...crazy? He made inappropriate comments to/about my sister at her baby shower (yes, I know, men aren't supposed to be at baby showers but that is how that side of my family rolls), so there's no way in h*ll I'm inviting him to my wedding to make a scene! (It will be a bit awkward because his son is my favourite cousin and also my man of honor, but I really don't care).
  
  Only you know how your family will react to some family not being invited. I'm 99% sure that my family will understand why I "couldn't" invite everyone, because I have not been invited to a lot of family weddings myself.
   
  I don't see any reason why you should feel bad not inviting members of your family if you are not close to them. Your wedding day is about you and your FI and having people witness your marriage who you care about and WANT to be there.

  

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