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SMOB & MOB drama, what to do?!?! kind of long, sorry

rachelleevaughnrachelleevaughn
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in Moms and Maids
To sum it all up::

SMOB-paying for wedding with FOB.  Married 2 years September.  Very close wtih SMOB and father.

MOB and FOB divorced for 4 years.  Lives close, and has offered to pay for wedding dress.

My mother has taken to calling my step-mother "that other woman" in all conversations we have about my wedding when I mention her.  SMOB is involved with planning because she and FOB are paying for entire wedding.  Wedding is in a different state so we have to coordinate trips and arrangements from a distance and get things taken care of. 

On the most recent visit to venue in TN I went with SMOB to make arrangements and for her to see venue before putting a deposit down, reasonable. MOB has yet to see venue and claims FOB doesn't trust me because he made SMOB go out there with me before any money exchanged hands, she's playing devils advocate here.  MOB told me that she is hurt that because she isn't paying she feels that she can't be as involved and can't afford to fly us to TN for a visit ourselves.  She wants sympathy from me and continues to belittle SMOB when she has the chance.  I am very close to SMOB and want her involved in my planning and visits.  She has been extremely helpful already having a daughter that planned a wedding.  She lights up when we talk about the plans and has all these great ideas and insight, while MOB just complains about how she wishes she could help out, and how she feels gypt because she isn't helping financially. 

How exactly do I deal with an emotionally wounded MOB and an extremely excited and helpful SMOB?  I know I am my mothers only daughter and she says she has dreamed about this day since I was little, but to me, she had a wedding, and this is my wedding so I'll get it done how I want to.  Am i being too hard on her?
If so how do I deal with involving MOB while keeping SMOB and FOB involved since it is their money?
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Re: SMOB & MOB drama, what to do?!?! kind of long, sorry

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    sister2groomsister2groom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OK, I have some sympathy for your mother because I would feel kind of badly if my daughter seemed to involve a woman who had been in her life for two years more than the woman who she grew up with as mother. However, that doesn't mean she's handling the situation appropriately, because it is highly inappropriate to make you feel like you need to take sides (which it sounds like she's doing). You probably need to be pretty direct at some point and say something like "It's not fair of you to put me in between you and dad and step-mom."

    Why tell your mom about all the things you and your step-mom do together? You don't need to hide it, but just say something like "I'm excited the contract for the venue has been signed, deposit delivered. I love how the place looks" instead of "Step-mom and I had so much fun bonding over visitng the venue." I'm obviously using hyperbole and if your mom asks, don't lie about what you did with your step-mom, but the details of your relationship with her are none of your mom's business.

    Just try to make a big deal about the things your mom can give, like an opinion on the color of the invites, or how to set up the tables of her relatives and make a big to-do about dress-shopping and how excited you are about that.


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    ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think you need to stop talking about the wedding so much with your (biological) mother. At least, stop talking about what you're doing for the wedding with your step-mother. Revert to "I visited a venue." "I put down a deposit." That keeps your mother informed while not givine her occasion to be jealous of your step mother.
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    LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    PPs have good advice. Also start talking up things you want to do with JUST mom to your mom (no need to tell SMOB). Like if you want to go dress shopping just the two of you (since you said she's paying). Email / show mom pictures of the stuff you've chosen (without talking about SMOB or having her in any of the pics). Emphasize that you and FI have chosen things, don't mention SMOB at all. And also tell your mom that you don't care that she can't help pay, she's the MOB and you love her, and you can't wait to go dress shopping and will she go to your hair trial with you, etc. anything you can think of to do with just her that won't hurt SMOB's feelings.

    No need to change whawt you're doing with SMOB at all... you just need to build up your mom.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    ditto sister2groom.

    I think you're being a little hard on your mom. Don't gush over your SM, who has been in your life for 2 years, while your mom is feeling left out. It must be hard for your mom to watch from the sidelines, while SM has all the fun of planning.

    Let your mom know that her role is important, too. Make a wonderful day out of dress shopping (yours and hers), take her out for lunch and let her know how much you appreciate her generous gift.
                       
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    kellybeatlekellybeatle
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with all others about how to handle your mom in this.  Remember she loves you and might feel a bit lost as to her role given her financial constraints. Have empathy for her position and don't gush about how much your step-mom is helping.  But don't pack your bags for this guilt trip.  If she brings up step mom, "bean dip" her.

    But I also want to say, as a step-daughter and as a step-mom, your step-mom is being super awesome and deserves a huge pat on the back for the way she has stepped up for you.  She's being very kind.  Try to be sure you quietly give her kudos for this.  (I'm not saying to give a grand speech during your reception to thank her -i could see that really hurting your mom-...but a very sweet card and private acknowledgement of her kindness would be really nice).  Step-mom is a really hard job and usually very thankless. 
     
     
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    rachelleevaughnrachelleevaughn
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Thank you everyone, and I have so desperately tried to not tell her what I do with step-mom but my mother and I have dinner every Sunday and we're facebook friends, so she knows when I'm going to TN(where the venue is) because I can't meet her over the weekend, or my brother tells her that my step-mother went with, because he's a big mouth.

    I've tried to spare her feelings, but she is really nosey, always has been.  And ALWAYS wants to know where I am in the planning and I don't mention step-mom, but she always assumes that she had her hand in it.  And I don't mention to my mom how close me and step-mom are, she thinks basically i'm just going along with this because dad said so, and he holds the purse strings along with step-mom.

    I'll try to understand where's she is coming from, but it's so hard to try and plan a wedding with minimal support from your mother all because she feels she's being left out.

    Side note: We're going dress shopping tomorrow, just me and her, I thought it would be a good thing for us to do since she's being so whinny about having no input in everything else.  But honestly even if I didn't have my step-mom, Mob and I don't have the same tastes, so I dont really take her input as actual options.

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    cesiaocesiao
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with most of the post. Just because your SM is paying and is involved doesn't mean your Mom can't be as involved. I mean, you said you're her only daughter. She's been with you your whole life and will be with you until the end. You'll never be able to turn back time. My advice is still do whatever you want with SM, but don't leave your Mom, your #1 girl friend because she's not paying.
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    MOB POV - and I'm a SMOB too.

    I think she is sounding kind of insecure and desperate.  A woman you have known for a couple of years is doing everything a MOB normally does because she has the money to finance it.  I'm not saying your SMOB isn't a great person and I'm not accusing her of using money to get close to you.  SMOB is in a position to help with your wedding planning and your mom is being shut out. 

    I think she is heartbroken and that is manifesting itself in statements like "that woman", etc.  Even though your SMOB's intentions are great, there is no room for your mom to truly do those things MOB's do with their DD's during wedding planning.

    FTR - I was the SMOB who planned  SDD's wedding.  SDD came to me and asked me to help her plan her wedding.  In her own words she said her mom would shop for things at the dollar store and she wanted something affordable and elegant.  SDD, her biomom, and I live in three different states so it was far less evident to her mom that I was helping so much.   I know her mom was unhappy I had any involvement at all.  I told SDD that when her mom came to town I would fade into the background and her mom would be in the MOB spotlight.  Her mom never stepped up to do that.  I know I stepped on her toes and it wasn't my intention. SDD knew her mom would fight her every step of the way on the wedding because she wasn't taking the dollar store route.  We won't even discuss the alcohol argument they had.

    So, I'm coming from both ends of that stick.  Helping my oldest DD plan her wedding was something I cherished and had always looked forward to.  I'm sure your mom feels she is seeing her only chance to help you plan your wedding flush down the toilet.

    I really encourage you to have a talk with your mom when neither of you are angry.  Tell her how you feel when she goes into her "that woman" routine,  Find a way to let her know she is the MOB and you want her involved.  That involvement will not happen if she puts you in the middle of her and "that woman."

    She is pretty desperate here and it shows.  Don't throw some small job her way to shut her up because that will really be a heart-breaker.  Work out the communication so that she can be involved and not feel left out. 
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