Throwing Parties- Curious About an Etiquette Thing

RanwaP · December 2011

I read this board a lot and only post occasionally. I find myself agreeing with most of the advice on here, but sometimes there are things that I don't entirely get. Here's one that confuses me that maybe you can shed some light on.

I understand why you can't throw your own shower as it's supposed to be "showering with gifts" and that's totally innapropriate and greedy to plan for yourself.

However I don't understand why it's bad etiquette to plan your own engagement party. I didn't have one so I can't say from personal experience, but I've never seen engagement parties as a gift-giving occasion. The ones I've attended haven't involved gifts beyond a bottle of wine or a dip to pass around. I've seen justification used that it's impolite to throw parties for yourself and that would make sense to me except isn't that what a wedding is? What makes it okay to throw a wedding for yourself, but not an engagement party?

annakb8 · December 2011

The difference is kind of nitpicky. The actual gift giving event at a wedding is the ceremony. You buy someone a gift to congratulate them on their marriage, the actual vows part. The reception is thrown by the bride and groom (or their families) to thank the guests for attending the ceremony, which is the important part.

But with an engagement party it's just kind of attention whorish to throw it for yourself. Even if they aren't gifts involved.

LittleMissCutiePie · December 2011

We threw our own because it was requested by a bunch of our friends. We didn't expect gifts, but two of my BMs who showed up got us two items off our registry, and friends of ours gave us a gift certificate to our favourite restaurant. We're the first out of our group of friends to get engaged/married, so ettiquette isn't really well known. If I had known that it was bad E to do so, I wouldn't have.

That said, if you want to throw your own engagement party, I'd just go for it. It's apparently really common nowadays.

kekr0202 · December 2011

My FI and I attended an awesome engagement party thrown by our friends, the couple, getting married. They held the party at an upscale restaurant and paid for all drinks and food. No one gave gifts nor did I hear a single person say anything before, during, or after the party about how "all they want is attention." Instead everyone commented on how fun it was and how generous the gesture!

As my other posts have indicated I am not one for 100% tradition & etiquette so I totally agree with you, RanwaP, that I don't get what the fuss is about nor do I think anyone would freak out.

Birdie1483 · December 2011

Engagement parties aren't common where I'm from, so when my friends threw one for themselves, we weren't sure if we were supposed to give a gift or not. I could see how if e-parties were the norm and NOT giving gifts was the norm in your circle, it really wouldn't be a big deal. However, SOME people might find it rude if they think they're supposed to give a gift for a party you're throwing for yourself.

I personally didn't care that my friends threw their own party. I was mostly worried about not bringing a gift if I was supposed to. The thing with etiquette is that it's to make sure you make ALL of your guests feel comfortable, so sometimes it's kind of a safety net in these situations. Better to not do at all than do and possibly offend someone.

That's my $0.02

FutureMrsTR · December 2011

For me it's the whole "throwing a party in your honor" idea. I think it's just a little self important. The reception at your wedding is in honor of your guests as a thank you to them for attending your ceremony.

I think people who plan their own birthday parties are a little AWish as well. But this is just my opinion. Obviously.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throwing-parties-curious-etiquette-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b479fdae-446e-4fb7-b89c-ae6485ccf9ccPost:099ff685-59e1-43c9-86ea-110b12c3c8d3">Re: Throwing Parties- Curious About an Etiquette Thing</a>:
[QUOTE]For me it's the whole "throwing a party in your honor" idea. I think it's just a little self important. The reception at your wedding is in honor of your guests as a thank you to them for attending your ceremony. I think people who plan their own birthday parties are a little AWish as well. But this is just my opinion. Obviously.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

Ditto. Even the birthday party part. ;-)

staceycaine · December 2011

I hear where you're coming from OP. I can KIND OF understand the E-party being a no-no, I guess, and I think of the reception as more of a "thank you" for the guests than a party for myself (although before coming to this board, I didn't see it that way), so that's why I think it's ok to throw that yourself.

However, I've thrown many birthday parties for myself--meaning, "hey, let's all get together at a restaurant for my birthday" or "hey, come over and eat pizza and cake for my birthday." Some people brought presents, so it was a gift-giving situation, although I didn't care if they did or didn't. If it was at my house, I WOULD feed them, but in the restaurant scenarios, I didn't pay for everyone, so I didn't properly "host."

I didn't know it was wrong. Now I do, I suppose.

SilverSarahB · December 2011

I guess, to me, Attention-Whoring, in moderation, is a good thing. I think it's fine to say to your friends, "I just got engaged (turned a year older), I'm feeling pretty awesome, I'm going to throw a party and spread the joy around...let's have some fun!" Expecting presents is presumptuous, but I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "Let's celebrate this awesome news!" If someone is grumpy about it, they can either leave their grump at home or just not come...all I want is to share some happy times with my friends who are happy for me.

Everyone deserves some spotlight, and I don't think it's innappropriate to step into it when you deserve it...as long as you let others have the spotlight when they deserve it, too.

ceceibson · December 2011

I threw my own birthday party when I turned 40. Because I wanted to celebrate and because I knew my husband at the time wouldn't do it and I would otherwise be sitting at home all pissy.

For some reason, throwing myself/ourselves an engagement party just kind of rubs me the wrong way, though. It just feels like something other people should do for you, if at all.

Except that I agree wth kekr0202's friends party concept and how that all worked out.

So I guess I'm no help, LOL.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

The official logic I've heard is that you shouldn't throw a party in your own honor. This means e-parties, showers, and bach parties all are supposed to be thrown by someone else. In theory, the reception is a "thank you" for your guests coming to the wedding, not technically in your honor. That's always seemed a little disingenuous though, since he highlights of the reception (cake, first dance, garter/bouquet) are all about the bride and groom, not the guests.

Not sure what the official exception is for the wedding itself. I have a feeling the etiquette dates back to when weddings were hosted by the parents of the bride, and wedding ceremonies got grandfathered in as things changed, because who wants an etiquette rule that says your family can't be there for your wedding! Same with the reception - I don't really buy the official logic, but a grandfathered rule makes more sense. Either that, or it's the social contract element that makes the difference.

An engagement party seems odd to me though, because my family and social circle don't throw them. I'd never heard of one, and I just can't shake the strangeness of it.

NOLAbridealmost · December 2011

Where the hell is Kristin to shed the light? A wedding is not an exception because the bride's parents host it, of course.

MyUserName1 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throwing-parties-curious-etiquette-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b479fdae-446e-4fb7-b89c-ae6485ccf9ccPost:06c8a20b-a83b-4a04-a8a4-31e3e41bb51d">Re: Throwing Parties- Curious About an Etiquette Thing</a>:
[QUOTE]Where the hell is Kristin to shed the light? A wedding is not an exception because the bride's parents host it, of course.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

<div>Heh. I <3 Kristin#'s advice. It's like a time warp.</div>

mica178 · December 2011

Doesn't the wedding tradition come from needing witnesses to the vows to make them official? Thus the wedding reception -- a thank you for witnessing the wedding vows and making the marriage legal.

Simply Fated · December 2011

To me it's both those reasons... it's throwing yourself a party in your own honor AND it's a gift giving event. Even if it's not a gift giving event for you, you can't ignore the fact that you are your own guest of honor.

Kristin789 · December 2011

Here I am, and I'm going to give you the link to the engagement party information posted on the 2011 Knot page - not some 1950s information:

http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/engagement-party-planning-101.aspx

There, you'll see that the reason you're seeking is this:
The first engagement party traditionally is hosted by the bride's parents, to introduce the groom to the bride's extended family.
The second engagement party traditionally is hosted by the groom's parents, to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family.
Neither party would be hosted by the bride/groom, because of the purpose of the event.

That said, you can do whatever you want, of course.

DeadUtopia · December 2011

We didn't have an e-party. I WANTED one, but no one offered to throw one and even though I didn't read wedding magazines or websites at the time, we didn't throw our own because we figured if no one cared enough to throw one in the first place, then no one would probably come.

That being said, *I* don't see the big issue in throwing your own because to me, it's not a gift giving party, but I'm guessing this differs greatly by region and social circle.

foxybritches · December 2011

My E party was kind of a surprise to me. We had invited everyone already for our apartment warming, I had no idea FI was about to propose. Nobody did (save for his two best friends). So FI proposes just a few days before the apartment warming and we just updated the FB event saying "surprise it's also our engagement party!" Nothing about the party itself changed.

We did a wine and cheese party, and nobody brought gifts beyond the bottle of wine or cheese that they were already expecting to bring for the apartment warming. The only difference was that I bought some sparkling wine for a toast.

Oh, we did recieve ONE gift, silver candlesticks from one of FI's best friends - but they had already been given to us "in case of engagement" and it was one of those "I have these silver candlesticks in my attic... A and his GF might like these as an E present someday, I'd better just give them to him now" situations.

kekr0202 · December 2011

So I totally have a cartoon brain and whenever I think about old wedding tradtions I think of gifting farm animals and parading the bride through the streets...wouldn't it be hilarious to set this up as a joke and get people's reactions?

Totally random thought here, sorry!

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_throwing-parties-curious-etiquette-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b479fdae-446e-4fb7-b89c-ae6485ccf9ccPost:099ff685-59e1-43c9-86ea-110b12c3c8d3">Re: Throwing Parties- Curious About an Etiquette Thing</a>:
[QUOTE]For me it's the whole "throwing a party in your honor" idea. I think it's just a little self important. The reception at your wedding is in honor of your guests as a thank you to them for attending your ceremony. <strong>I think people who plan their own birthday parties are a little AWish as well.</strong> But this is just my opinion. Obviously.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

I see your point here but I see it a little differently. I planned a milestone birthday for myself this year. I did a murder mystery for entertainment (FYI sooo much fun) gave out lots of prizes and provided food and drinks for everyone. I didn't expect gifts nor did I want anyone to bring one. A couple people did bring me a bottle of champagne because it's my favorite but it wasn't excpected and was shared with everyone. I would feel pretty bad if any of my friends thought I was being an AW because it wasn't my intent at all.

jsleik · December 2011

I said I did get gifts, but wanted to clarify. My parents threw our e-party at my sister's house (who lives in the same city that we do). We only had 2 friends who ended up as bridesmaids and one good friend of my husband's. 2 of the guests brought presents. And after the guests left, my parents and sisters gave us gifts, but it was not a part of the e-party. I would have felt VERY uncomforatble hosting that party since it was focusing the attention on us like that.

cindyn9178 · December 2011

So how about a housewarming party then? People throw housewarming parties for themselves all the time.. and as far as I've seen, it is the norm to bring a gift if you are attending one.

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