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Catholic Church Dilemma

ARB51183ARB51183
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in Missouri-Kansas City
 I come from a large Catholic family and my finace does not. He believes in god, but has no intention to converting to the Catholic faith (which I am fine with) and his family members practice a wide variety of religions. We don't want to have our wedding in a church because we don't want any of his family to feel uncomfortable or confused. Ideally, I would like to find a priest who is willing to preform a marriage outside of a church. That way, there could still be a religious tone to the ceremony without subjecting everyone to a long, drawn out Catholic mass/wedding. I've thought about just doing a Catholic marriage without the full mass, but my finace is adamant about not having a church wedding.

Has anyone else run into a similar problem? Better yet, does anyone know of a Catholic officiant (not necessarily a priest- possibly a deacon or other Catholic leader) in the area who may be willing to accommodate my request?

Any suggestions are much appreciated!
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Re: Catholic Church Dilemma

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    Rockerchick842Rockerchick842
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    edited December 2011

    It is very difficult to get a priest to marry in a non-church setting. If I am remembering correctly, you would need to go through the Bishop/Archbishop to approve the ceremony, and even in that case it would still be catholic doctrine that is running the show. I don't think it is likely that a priest/catholic deacon will marry a couple in a secular ceremony.


     My FI and I were in a similar situation. I was raised Catholic, he was raised Missionary Baptist and we didn't want to favor either side so we are getting married in a Christian- Disciples of Christ church because our parents weren't happy with our plans to get married in a non-church setting. Could this be an option for you?

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    ARB51183ARB51183
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    edited December 2011

    Thanks for your reply! I think my parents would have more of a problem if we were married in a non-Catholic church as opposed to a nice civil ceremony. And the church setting is what my fiance is really opposed to.

    I personally don't want to have a church wedding either, so at the end of the day a church wedding would be solely to please my parents and not myself (or my fiance). It's easier said than done, but if I can't find a solution that pleases everyone we'll have to tell my parents that we aren't getting married in the church. Because it's our wedding, not theirs

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    theluckiest555theluckiest555
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    edited December 2011
    I come from a large catholic family as well. However, I have left the Catholic religion years ago due to issues with some things they stand for. My FI's family is Episcopalian. We initially did not care about having the wedding at a church and were all ready to have the wedding at the hotel the reception will be at, however, my grandmas are both very religious (especially my dads mom) and would probably be very offended if we got married outside the church. As a compromise, we decided to get married at the Unity Temple, which is still a religious setting, but is nondenominational, and it is great because they have almost no rules about what you have to do, so you can design your own wedding pretty much. We love the space, and there are three different rooms to choose from depending on how many people you will be expecting at the ceremony. The Unitarian church )also on the plaza) is also a great option. Good luck- hope this helps!!Cool
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    theluckiest555theluckiest555
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    edited December 2011
    Sorry, I didnt pay attention to the above posts, I did not see it when you said that your parents would be offended if you married in a church that is not catholic. In that case, where is your reception? Many reception sites will also do a wedding. For example, our reception is at a hotel, and they offered to do the service there (they have people that are ordained for that, and I think many places do as well) If it wasn't for my g-ma's strong opinions, that's what we would do! It would save people the hastle of having to travel from ceremony site to reception site!
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    Rockerchick842Rockerchick842
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    edited December 2011

    You're absolutely right! At the end of the day it is your day and you decide what you want. I forgot to add that if you are married by a Catholic priest (idk about deacons) during the "vows" portion of the ceremony there is a part in which both individuals profess an agreement to raise their children in the Catholic church. You don't have to of course, but if you FI is against a church wedding, he might be against agreeing to that part of the ceremony as well. Good Luck!

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    kelleyku05kelleyku05 member
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    edited December 2011
    Unfortunately this wasn't in our area....but my good friend from IL had the same situation and they found a "non-traditional" priest to do their ceremony at their location.  So, they are out there!

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    ARB51183ARB51183
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    edited December 2011

    Thanks everyone for your advice! I am going to continue to look for a "non-traditional" or retired priest who will preform our ceremony. My fiance and I talked about it and he is willing to compromise and have a Catholic ceremony (no mass, communion, etc.). Our issue has never been with the actual church or the Catholic religion...it's more of a convenience issue of having the ceremony and reception in the same location.

    Thanks again for all of your thoughts!

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    bechiginbothombechiginbothom member
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    edited December 2011
    I did a lot of research on this.  I originally wanted a Catholic ceremony at the same place as my reception.  No luck.   have heard of "non traditional" priests doing ceremonies outside of the church but they will not be recognized as a sacrament in the church.  most of them were lutheran priests saying they can do a Catholic cermony as they are ordained by the Catholic church.  They are "legit" if you want just a wedding, but not legit to have it recongized in the catholic church. if the Catholic recognition is  not important, it can be an option.  Lutheran priests perform cermonies are very similar to Catholic.  I have know couples in your situation doing this to trick their guests into thinking it was a Catholic ceremony but really wasn't.  I think at that point, it is silly to do something for the sake of other's thoughts.   I have seen Lutheran weddings outside of a church.
    Another option is just to have a priest come to the cermony and do a blessing.  I am not sure if one would do that if you do not know them very well and/or without a marriage prep. I went to a wedding outside on a golf course that did this, however the priest was a VERY VERY close friend of the family. 
    If you are looking in kansas city, there is an old Catholic girl's school that was rennovated and now does cermonies in a beautiful chapel with reception halls underneath.  This also could be an option to give the Catholic feel of the  "once Catholic" chapel. It is pretty. 
    Hope this helps!  Good luck!
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    Rstewart122Rstewart122 member
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    edited December 2011

    My fiance and I are very into celebrating our wedding in a spiritual way, but would much rather not do it in a church either.  Also, since neither one of us have been to a church in years, we're a little out of touch with who would do it.  So, we have come up with this solution: we're paying for my brother to get ordained over the internet (and make it as legitimate as possible) so that we can be married by family, keeping it personal as well as within our religious constraints.  This has also been relatively lucrative as well. So far it has only cost us $50, which is much cheaper than a donation or officiant fee to any church has been that I've seen.  I understand if this isn't the route for everyone, but it is an option!

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    Kansasgrl81Kansasgrl81
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    edited December 2011
    Any chance you have a Catholic family member or friend who is also an attorney?  If they're an attorney in Kansas and you're also getting married in KS they can request a "judgeship" for the day through the local judge in the jurisdiction you're marrying.  It's something my friend just did for her wedding (her hubby's best friend from childhood is an attorney and got the judgeship so he could marry them) and an attorney in my office just did it for his neice's wedding as well.  I don't know if this works in other states but it's a legal option in KS and may be a nice way to incorporate some spiritual/religious aspects by someone familiar with the Catholic faith without having to use a priest.
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