Vents?

MrsGilliatt · April 2012

So I don't do a lot of my "own" posts...more so just respond to others...but isn't today the day to vent? in the 14+ months I've been engaged I haven't "vented" ever - and boy do I have one today...

acaponi87 · April 2012

Haha I think our Vent day is technically on Thursday but vent away!

carpediem27 · April 2012

I'm pretty sure confessions/vents will be tomorrow but feel free to do your own :

MrsGilliatt · April 2012

Well here goes...

And I apologize in advance for the length of this vent...

When my fiance proposed (in campus martius park while ice skating) in February of 2011, we popped into the Hard Rock Cafe for drinks before he proposed for "pre-drinks" and after for champagne, live music, etc. He had told the bar staff there what was going on and they were prepared to treat the house to champagne in celebration of our new engagement. They were so awesome to us - and we've been there for some silly occasions here and there throughout the course of our relationship. Bottom line - we thought given our room block is at the Westin Book Cadillac (wedding is downtown) that we should host our rehearsal at the Hard Rock. We were set - both of us were stoked about the idea. It's walking distance to the hotel which everyone in the BP will be staying at the night before and after the wedding - as well as our out of town guests, etc. It's where the BP will be getting ready on the wedding day, etc. You get the point so far.

So a couple of weeks ago his mom - for the first time in over a year - chimes in with her opinion all of a sudden. Not once has she called to ask how things are going - not once when we're together for any other reason does she seem to have any interest in the upcoming giant wedding we are putting on. In my humble opinion - she was avoiding the financial hook at the end of any inquiries. My family is paying for a huge wedding at the Colony Club, etc...and she darn well knows what is expected of her for the rehearsal.

That said - we've always been in the school of thought that if anyone contributing (like our parents, etc) had issues about cost - we are simply covering the extra expenses. Thus far - it has not been an issue and we've pretty much secured everything we've wanted.

So back to her chiming in...she starts saying what a hassle it will be to host a dinner down town - how horribly rude of us to think people will want to travel to downtown Detroit (um - we all live in Ferndale, Birmingham, Bloomfield Hills, Royal Oak, Northville areas...) two nights in a row. How dare we think that offering people cocktails at the rehearsal and then expecting them to drive 30 minutes home is fair...etc etc. My problem is that everyone thus far invited to the rehearsal has every understanding that we're staying at the hotel. I'm footing the bill for the BP to stay at the Westin because that's where we are getting ready...how is it logical to have it anywhere else?

Had she chimed in about an issue with the venue itself - the Hard Rock - I'd of heard this out. But she's trying to convince us to have it anywhere but Detroit. PS - the theme of our entire wedding is Detroit. Hence the bridal shower downtown, the bachelorette party downtown, the WEDDING downtown...why would we move our rehearsal!?

The biggest issue is that while they've offered to put in a handsome amount for a rehearsal - they refuse to have it downtown. My fiance and I were on the same page about this for over a year and all of a sudden he's starting to cave because he doesn't want to offend his family and in turn eat the cost of this. I guess I just don't get why she thinks it's logical to inconvenience all of the bridal party, the out of town guests (who have already booked at the hotel..) and most importantly - the bride and groom! We've gone to numerous rehearsal dinners that were completely out of the way - but you do it for the bride and groom right? Not that ours is even out of the way - but adults can decide when they've had enough to drink, or if they should drink at all. I honestly don't see the logic here.

HELP!!!!

OH - I should have mentioned that we already put our date in with the HRC - all they needed was the deposit - that is when she started complaining. And yes - I already had my invitations for this thing in the works too. GRRRR

LOTON01 · April 2012

It blows my mind of why she wouldn't want it downtown. My wedding is downtown in June also. Our rehearsal dinner is the night before at Red Smoke in Greek Town.

I haven't heard one complaint form anyone about coming down there. I also am not footing the bill for our wp. The girls will be staying with me on Friday night so we can all get ready on Saturday together.

Sue-n-Kevin · April 2012

Here's my take on it, for what it's worth:

She may have shown no interest in the wedding plans so far, but she's playing a "power card". Whether it has to do with NOT being invited to contribute her opinion, or for other reasons that revolve around her son, you will never know.

However, I think it is something you and your fiance MUST discuss with her. Your fiance's family traditionally will pick up the bill for the rehearsal dinner. You don't say in your post (or I can't find it) where the ceremony rehearsal is.......is your ceremony/rehearsal also downtown? Not sure if she's been involved in many weddings, but the rehearsal dinner is generally near the rehearsal venue............the fact that it's near the hotel is also a plus. It sounds as though your wedding party is staying there (nice of you to offer to put them up, that had to be pricey!). The rehearsal is for the WEDDING PARTY and immediate families. It would be totally inconvenient for the people AT THE REHEARSAL and dinner to have to drive elsewhere.

I'm probably your FMIL's age (because I"m old enough to be a Mom to most of the brides here). My own parents are in their 80's. We had the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and wedding in Livonia. My parents live in Clinton Twp, don't drive on expressways, and pretty much don't drive after dark. I made arrangements for them to have transportation to the rehearsal and dinner with my family/son, and we used hired transportation on the day of the wedding for them (limo there with my family & BM, car picked them up at 10 pm to take them home).

I do have to say there are people who have prejudices about Detroit. I haven't seen it on this board, but understand it may exist. Not sure if it's that, or the fact she expected you and your fiance to reach out to her and ask for her assistance in planning this, or any other portion of the wedding extravaganza, or she just has other issues. You won't know until you both talk to her. Have your "why this makes sense" list available and expect minor, or major discussion.

Good luck dear

entropicbeauty · April 2012

I totally understand. No one in my family understands why we have to have the wedding IN Detroit. Both sets of our parents tried to get us to have it elsewhere, but my FI loves Detroit and I can't see us getting married outside the city limits!

You can try to stand your ground on this, but you have to figure out how much this means to you and your FI. Is it a hill worth dying on?

MrsGilliatt · April 2012

To answer some of the questions posted in response...

First, his mother works at DMC - she is downtown 98% of the time and has never once complained about the commute, the crime, etc.

Next, the rehearsal is at our church in Bloomfield - and had she tried to find a restaurant somewhere near the church that would be somewhat understandable...however, she's not even looking into that area - she's all over the place (anywhere but the D!)

My biggest concern is that she isn't listening to our concern - that everyone is already booked/confirmed for the Westin on Friday night. I only know of one couple (out of 54 people) that are not planning to stay at the hotel on Friday night. Doesn't it make sense to migrate to the city, valet your car at the hotel and mosey over to the restaurant that is literally 3 blocks from the hotel? The Hard Rock offers free parking for our guests in addition to available parking at the Westin. My confusion stems from her consistent argument that it's irresponsible to ask people to drive downtown and give them drinks. I again don't think she realizes we aren't 21 year old brides/grooms...we are all around 30 and can make big kid decisions about this stuff.

I understand Sue's point about the rehearsal being near the dinner - our one problem is that the hotel had to be by our reception venue - so we selected the Book Cadillac...it makes the most sense for our wedding party logistically. A nice place to get ready, etc - and be able to leave their cars behind while being chauffeured around the day of the wedding, and then shuttled back after the reception where I assume they'll of had plenty to drink. Logistically we had this all ironed out. How can people just up and decide this isn't a good idea.

Regardless of where the dinner ends up being - I'm going to have to now worry about the entire WP getting to the Book Cadillac in one piece! Do I have to hire a car service for all of Friday as well now? It's just worth it to me to have it at a restaurant with some meaning to us as opposed to just another pricey/beautiful restaurant.

PS - the "halfway" between Bloomfield and Detroit suggestions aren't necessary...those venues will simply inconvenience the entire group as opposed to a select few.

MrsGilliatt · April 2012

Looks like we're stickin to the Hard Rock. But yeah - we're paying for it!

Thanks for all of your insight everyone

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