Wondering if anyone else is getting this attitude...

christinelyn0131 · April 2010

I'm getting married before I graduate college (before my bachelor's). It's either next summer (before my JR year) or the summer after (before my SR year)

Everyone I encounter who I go to school with acts like I'm a failure for doing this, telling me "I should wait", but what difference is it between being married and living together? They think that being married will keep me from doing what I want, blah blah blah. I'm going to school for education, so it's not the end of the world (i.e., if i was going to med school it might be difficult, I suppose). They act as if marriage is a death sentence!!!

I guess this is just a vent, but I'm getting so frustrated. I hope there's some other knotties out there who can sympathize!

jlw559 · April 2010

I'm kind of in the same situation but I'm waiting until after we graduate. That'slike 2.5 years to plan and with school I need that since it'll be way too hectic to do it in like 8 months. We already do live together so I kinda see your point but idk, people are probably just trying to look out for you.

zaneopal · April 2010

Well I know part of it is from a financial standpoint. As a college student, you can still be considered financially dependent upon your parents, and as such, they can get tax breaks from paying your tuition and you are covered by their insurance.

When you get married, all of that goes away. And to be honest, I know very, very few college students who are financially stable enough to not rely on their parents at all--and these are the ones who are single.

ETA: Also, if you're planning on getting married when you're 20 or 21, a lot of people see that as VERY young. How old are you now? How long have you been engaged? How long were you together beforehand? Oftentimes there's more than one reason for you to get this attitude.

KateG528 · April 2010

I'm finishing up college at age 20 and have been engaged a little over a year. We are both really excited about it and we are getting married a month before my 21st Bday, but I get from a lot of people "Aren't you too young to get married" or "Dont you wanna live a little first" and I'm like "I have my whole life to live, and I know who I want to live it with" why on earth would you want to go on in life knowing who you want to be with for the rest of your life and still wait just because people think you should? I'm an education major as well and MANY girls in my education classes are either married or engaged and many times they make better grades because they have their husband supporting them through it. I say ignore them, you know what you want

zaneopal · April 2010

Kate, are you saying that unmarried women have no support in getting through school? I know just as many unmarried women who have equal or better GPAs than married ones. You don't need to be married to be supported in your education. Like-minded, education-focused friends, roommates, significant others, and parents can all be sources of support.

SarahLMBT · April 2010

I have gotton that as well. I do understand the worry - my biggest worry is finacial aid (I am able to recieve a pell grant each semester from low income). So I do understand waiting from that perspective. We are not waiting - we have talked about it and decided we will take the risk of me losing my pell grant as I am also a massage therapist and can fall back on that for extra money if need be. I think it just needs to be talked about with your fiance and you come together on a decision.

Either way, best of luck, you will do fine!

kllson · April 2010

I think it is your business entirely when you get married. Only you and your fiance are in your relationship, and if you both want to be married as students, then that is your call entirely!
I got a lot of the type of attitude you were discussing as a younger bride and a student and not from people that I knew closely, but by people that just felt the need to voice their opinions. Sure, the average age to marry is 25 - but that's all it is. An average. And if you've found that person at 20 or 25 or 40 or 55 and want to commit to marriage, then it's really not the concern of anyone else.
Just be confident in your decision and happy that you've found a person you want to spend your life with!

squeakyduck · April 2010

I plan to get married before my graduation. We want to get married on our two year anniversary which conveniently falls on my fall break. It will only be two months until I graduate so I'm not worried too much about financial aid (and i know i am very lucky to not have to)

Don't listen to people who say you should just move in together. If you don't believe in living together before marriage, don't let people judge you. It's your wedding and your marriage. Politely tell people who are giving you attitude that you and your fiance have discussed this arrangement and have decided that it is what's best for you.

KateG528 · April 2010

no, i'm not saying that at all. I am simply saying that many of my friends who are married are doing well in college and are making good grades partially due to the fact that their husband is there to support them. i am not married yet and i have a plenty of support and make great grades. i was just pointing out that school should not be a hinderance to marriage as long as you are financially able to do both.

KateG528 · April 2010

It really just depends on the maturity level of the two people getting married, where they are in life, and what their financial circumstances are. I dont think that people being older when they get married is necessarily a sign that they will last longer, but I think that some people do jump into marriage way too soon. I know that although I am younger than some, I am going to have been in a relationship with my fiance for 5 years and we will have completed our premarital counseling, and we have both been saving money to get married since we graduated from high school. I will also be finished with college 2 years earlier than most people my age. I know in my life marriage is the obvious next step. Age is irrelevant. However, I know some 25-27 year old women who are no where near ready to be married and that is a good choice for them. It mostly depends on the person.

MaggieEngaged · April 2010

I'm a college student whose engaged, but I'm waiting until after college, subsituting a long engagement for a pre-graduation wedding. Honestly, I'm getting just as much attitude for THAT as I would for getting married during college. You have to know yourselves and know what works for you. I've known people who have done exactly what you're doing, and though they all had to work hard financially, things worked out for them, they graduated college and stuck together. People will always criticize because they don't fully understand the situation. If you and your fiancee are mature and financially stable enough to get married now, then I see no reason that other people should ruin that for you. Best of wishes!

lharri12 · April 2010

Did I misunderstand, or are you a freshman in college?? That means you're like 19 years old? People are probably just genuinely concerned. If you are 19 years old, and if I were your friend, I would express concern as well. If you think you want to marry him, why don't you just be engaged and live together? What is the rush??
My FI and I started dating when I was a senior in college and he was a sophomore. We didn't get engaged until 7 years later, after we had lived together for three years. We knew well before we got engaged that we wanted to get married, but we couldn't afford to pay for the wedding we wanted, so we waited. I understand that everyone's circumstances are different, but there may be a reason why you're getting "this attitude" from people.

lharri12 · April 2010

BTW, being unable to afford the wedding we wanted is not the only reason why we waited, it was just the most obvious reason. I think you have to know your partner for a certain amount of time and know YOURSELF for a certain amount of time before you can be sure you are ready to marry. And there is DEFINITELY a difference between living together and getting married. If you split up while living together, you will have the hassle of breaking the lease and/or finding someone to sublet. If you decide to split up after marrying... different story. I know this is not the feedback you were hoping for, but again, I think there's a reason why you keep getting this feedback from people you know and strangers on a message board.

Angie1313 · April 2010

I feel much of the same attitudes mentioned in the original post. We're both 20, but my FI is a school year behind. My FI and I just take the comments in stride. We set the date for while we are both still at college. We both recognize the "realness" of the situation and the upcoming bills but we're not worried. We know we're meant to be together and that age is not a factor. <strong>What I don't understand is why everyone thinks that getting married at this age is rushing things.</strong> We want to start our life together, college is just a place we're in now, We plan on grad school, so our situation is not likely to change.

My two cents: Do what you think is right and don't let the world get to you. You will know it is right.

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jlw559 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_wondering-anyone-else-getting-this-attitude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:9bff6826-a1fd-4682-b2f7-288eebec634aPost:6160a2f8-96cc-4114-9e51-bd08b64ac441">Re: Wondering if anyone else is getting this attitude...</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel much of the same attitudes mentioned in the original post. We're both 20, but my FI is a school year behind. My FI and I just take the comments in stride. We set the date for while we are both still at college. We both recognize the "realness" of the situation and the upcoming bills but we're not worried. We know we're meant to be together and that age is not a factor. <strong>What I don't understand is why everyone thinks that getting married at this age is rushing things.</strong> We want to start our life together, college is just a place we're in now, We plan on grad school, so our situation is not likely to change. My two cents: Do what you think is right and don't let the world get to you. You will know it is right. [url=http:// <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers">www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers</a> ][img] <a rel="nofollow" href="http://global.theknot.com/tickers/tt7494b.aspx">http://global.theknot.com/tickers/tt7494b.aspx</a> [/img][/url]
Posted by Angie1313[/QUOTE]

They say that because a lot of 19/20 year olds haven't experienced that much. Also, like a PP said it has to do with your maturity level and if you can support yourself. I'll be 20 on mon. I've been living with my BF since Nov. We know we're getting married sometime but everything that we live off of would disappear if we were to get married now. That's why we're waiting. Plus, I'm really indecisive about everything so I get to come up with a bazillion ideas and its a lot less pressure.

The only thing that bugs me is when people point out that stupid stat about how couples who live together before marrying have a higher chance of divorce than a couple who doesn't live together before marriage.

KateG528 · April 2010

i honestly hate when people throw stats in your face because for every set of stats there is another that contradicts it in one way or another. I am 19 almost 20 and I have always been told by everyone that I was a "middle aged teenager" I never was into the things that other people my age were into and most of my closest friends now are late 20s early 30s with 1-3 kids. I am at the place in my life where my fiance and I are ready to be married. We are waiting 1 more year until I finish my degree, but he has a management position at his work, and I have already spoken to my school board office in our town to get a job, and I have a back up already lined up in case teaching falls through. I dont think being young, being old, living with or not living with someone has as much to do with your marital success as knowing what the two of you both want and following the beliefs you have. I have no desire to live with my husband before we get married because neither of us believe in doing that. I however have many friends who are living with their partner and their relationship is far more successful than if they were to get married because they are not ready for that yet.

zaneopal · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_wondering-anyone-else-getting-this-attitude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:9bff6826-a1fd-4682-b2f7-288eebec634aPost:1d47e437-5f93-4553-bc03-089f41952d1e">Re: Wondering if anyone else is getting this attitude...</a>:
[QUOTE]i honestly hate when people throw stats in your face because for every set of stats there is another that contradicts it in one way or another. I am 19 almost 20 and I have always been told by everyone that I was a "middle aged teenager" I never was into the things that other people my age were into and most of my closest friends now are late 20s early 30s with 1-3 kids. I am at the place in my life where my fiance and I are ready to be married. We are waiting 1 more year until I finish my degree, but he has a management position at his work, and I have already spoken to my school board office in our town to get a job, and I have a back up already lined up in case teaching falls through. I dont think being young, being old, living with or not living with someone has as much to do with your marital success as knowing what the two of you both want and following the beliefs you have. I have no desire to live with my husband before we get married because neither of us believe in doing that. I however have many friends who are living with their partner and their relationship is far more successful than if they were to get married because they are not ready for that yet.
Posted by KateG528[/QUOTE]

Kate, I'm sure it's been said here before, but EVERYONE thinks they're more mature than the rest of their cohort at any age, at one point or another. You may have people telling you this which seems like it validates it, but honestly, there's a lot of things that factor into maturity.

I'm glad you all are waiting until your degree is completed, because then the energy you were putting on that can be placed on work and working on your marriage (all marriages, even the happiest ones, need work...it's what keeps it happy). I don't think it matters if you live together or not beforehand--it's a matter of preference.

The issue at hand, that all of the detracters on this board and probably in OP's real life (OP, where have you gone?) have brought up, is that there is a huge difference in maturity and desires between the time you start college and when you finish. Some relationships can handle it, some can't. It's a lot easier to walk away from a boyfriend than a husband, should it come to that.

Finances are a massively important issue. Being financially independent is something you need to do for yourself, and be sure of it for yourself, knowing that you can keep yourself on your feet no matter what happens, is incredibly important. Knowing many a person who interned in family law offices, and I'm sure law students who have done the same will agree, money matters are often brought up in divorce proceedings.

As PPs have said, if OP's FI is truly the one, he will be around in 2-3 more years, and I believe that holds true for all the women who are planning to get married while still in undergrad. The person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with isn't going to go anywhere; the marriage can wait.

zaneopal · April 2010

Well yes, of course LadySolo. However, the OP, who sparked this discussion, is 19 at the oldest, so I believe it is safe to assume that she is a traditional college student.

dreamzcometru13 · April 2010

So I feel this "attitude" only from FI parents... I am 23 and I live on my own. I pay all of my own bills and have for several years. I come from a fairly poor large family and really had to push myself to get out of the sitiaution i was raised in. My parents were not able to put me into college. Right out of High school i got a full time. Between financial aid and myself, I am putting myself through school, paying all the rent, car payments, insurance, aned supporting myself. FI on the other hand is in a completely opposite situation. He is an only child coming from a wealthy family. His parents have always handed him everything. He only pays for his gas and food when he eats out. EVERYTHING else his parents pay for. In fact, he doesn't even know what they pay. He has never seen a bill. We had been together for 3 years when he proposed to me. Now, nearly 5 months later, the excitment of the engagement had somewhat passed. i thought this meant that he was ready to grow up a little and to really ready to start planning our future. But more each day i dont see this happening... We are at a stalemate as far as when we are to be married. I am ready now. We both want a small intimate wedding and honestly I could afford to pay for the thing myself right now.... I make enough to comfortably support the both of us. The problem is, he is afraid of his mother. She will not approve of us being married before he finishes shool and has a solid job. It will be about 2 more years before he has his degree. (He kept changing his major)

At this point I am just frustrated. I love FI and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him but at times i feel like. why did he propose to me if he isn't really ready to make the commitment?

I don't mean to sound so horrible with all this. Its just very frustrating that even though he constantly tells me he is ready to be with me forever, he then turns to a different attitude around his parents.

UGH! Frustrated....

bgibbons · April 2010

I don't get this a WHOLE lot, actually--I'm 20, but I'm graduating this semester with a double major at the University of Michigan, and my FI is already financially independent. We're getting married after I graduate in a few weeks.

I understand the whole "get to know yourself" thing, and I DO think it's important to grow up, but--and this is HORRIBLY cheesy--I know who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and it doesn't make sense for me to look for a job elsewhere or get settled in somewhere other than with him. Of course, my FI and I also don't believe in living together before we get married, so that makes it a bit more complicated.

That said, I never would've gotten married while I was still working on my undergrad (besides the fact that I was like 17). One step at a time! And although I do get a lot of "Wait, how old are you?" questions after people find out that I'm getting married, both my parents and his support us and believe that we're making the right decision, and that's enough support for me. If my parents were against it, I would definitely step back and reevaluate; not because I can't make my own decisions, but because I trust their opinion & they know me.

bgibbons · April 2010

So Courtney, I'm right there with you!!

JustPeachy89 · April 2010

I've always been "mature" for my age. Wether it's having to being the mom that cleans up the parties or drives everyone home. I am getting married end of spring next year and graduating in the summer. We are living together now and I know I don't want to be with anyone else. There never will be anything else out there better for me and I have it now. Other people our age (also 20 but will be 21 before I get married) are still in the party new to life phase. I got it over it and just don't have any desire to troll around at shitty college bars that smell like throw up. So don't listen to them. If your ready to move on, move on. If you know he is the one start your life.

I want to start my life. I don't want to be 23 and still working on my undergrad as a 5 year senior like so many in my classes. We are moving to Boston next year and going to professional school and have been accepted. Me, vet and him pharmacy. We are both living independently of our parents (minus a few hicupps that they are nice enough to help out on) but we pay our own rent and car payments and insurance and tuition. And we are also splitting the wedding with our parents. If your going to keep asking me "Why not?" Then why get married in the first place? You can always ask why not wait? Why not wait to go to school or apply for that job or buy that house? Because I want to that why! Life is full of choices and you make the best out of them. This is my best decision for my life forever. And if you are doubtful then wait. But I'm not.

Sorry for venting I really hate that remark...

jenna.linder · April 2010

Well, when you're "older," you'll understand why people aged 25+ think you're too young. I hope it all works out in the meantime!

botticelliangel6 · April 2010

My fiance and I started dating at the end of my freshman year of college (just before my 19th birthday), and we moved in together at the end of my sophmore year (just before my 20th birthday). Our 5 year anniversary is next month, and we're getting married in January; he'll be 25 and I will be 24. We'll have lived together for 4 years by then. I didn't start to get antsy about getting married until last year....I would have had said yes if he had asked but I didn't "need" to get married. It was mostly him that wanted to wait, and honestly now I am kind of glad we did. Everyone is really excited, and we would have faced some doubters before. And, we have more money to help my parents pay for the wedding (not a lot, I am in law school). There is a difference, I think, between living together and being married and the longer you live together the more sure you can be. It helps to go through some "tought stuff" to see how you will fare real life things. At that age a lot of the time not a lot of things have happened to you as a couple.... In the last 4 years we have suffered through being broke, his dad dying, several moves, etc etc and now I can safely marry him and know we can get through the tough stuff. Just think it through - if you are ready it's your own choice, but make sure you are ready and have been together long enough.

venturabj · April 2010

I totally understand where you are coming from! I am getting married the summer before I enter nursing school, and my parents, mainly my dad, think that I should wait! It like they think if you're married you just quit school! I don't get it! When I talked to my fiance about it, he just told me that it's our day and our life, and he's right! You should do what you and your fiance want to do! That is what matters the most! good luck!

georgemc88 · April 2010

A few of my friends have told me that I'm too young to start planning a wedding.
However, I've noticed that these friends don't have a very set path for after graduation (which is in 2 weeks) and they enjoy the 'party' scene.
All throughout our relationship, my FI has been very supportive of my education and me pursuing my dream of law school.
If your friends are concerned about your education, I hope they understand that as long as you have a FI who supports you in your pursuit of education, then I believe that you're doing what is best for you.
I'm very proud to say that my boyfriend is just as excited, if not more excited, than me that I'll be attending law school in the fall.
He's so supportive of me that I know he won't let me lose sight of my dream to be an attorney.

Good luck with your schooling!!!

lyssabear · May 2010

I can totally relate to this situation...I am an elementary education major scheduled to do my student teaching next semester. I also have one math elective online course over the summer. Things were going well after last spring semester. However, my BF of 5 years proposed over the summer. It turned out that the best date to have the wedding was June 2010. My parents were not very happy especially since my younger brother graduates in May. Not only am I trying to finish school and working two jobs, but trying to plan a wedding that's going to be near my hometown, about two hours away from the school I attend and where my FI and I call home (also trying to slowly move my stuff in to my FI's house, we don't live together yet). Thank goodness my mom and I are close and she loves to play wedding planner for me. EMAIL IS A SAVIOR! Atop that I'm worried about finances because I am not allowed to work during student teaching and if I appeal, only on weekends. Not to mention my name change mess that I have to look foward to with the schools.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that if you can wait, do. I'm not saying that I regret making my wedding the date it is, but if I had known how stressed and tired I'd be trying to juggle loose ends of my education and starting a new life, I would've thought through it a little more.

Hope this helps!

'Lyssa

autumn2008 · May 2010

I'm totally getting it too!!! But let me explain...I go to a conservative, Christian college. And I'm from a Christian family. So moving in together before the wedding just isn't an option. I'm 20, my fiance is 19 but we are both finishing up our sophomore year as education majors. He will graduate in May of 2012 and I'll graduate in Dec. of 2012. The wedding is on Aug. 7 (of this year). So yeah we get it all the time. I just tell people that we've prayed about it, our families are supportive of our decision, and we both have steady jobs. We know what we're doing!! It is so frustrating though, so all I can say is keep you head up

Ignore the people who say stuff like that and listen to the ones who support you.

thatdrummerchic · May 2010

I guess you could say we have a semi-rare case... FI is graduating undergrad in December 2010 as a youth pastor, and we're getting married January 2011 (3 weeks later). I will go back for another semester of undergrad after the wedding while he'll work full-time. (I already have flexible/major-related campus employment lined up for me.) After that I'll just do a few part-time credits (for free) my last semester. Grades have never been a problem for me, so I am not too worried about the academic side of things.

What makes our situation a little more unique is that we won't live together until after we're married. We have a (rental) home all lined up, so I will just move in between semesters. Although it's kind of uncommon today, we decided to "wait" until we're married to be intimate, so marriage will be more of a change for us, having not lived together previously. (However, we've been able to get to know each other really well over the years and feel comfortable with the whole thing.)

I tell you all of this because the context of our situation really has affected the attitudes we've received. We've dated for 3+ years and will have a 1-year engagement. So, while some acquaintances do give us the "well, why don't you just wait since you're young, etc," the people that know us best and respect our relationship have acknowledged that we're doing what we think is most wise. We've done the financial math and scrutinized the timeline. We've also been super blessed with inexpensive venues and close friends for photographers, DJ, videographer, and flowers. (And, believe it or not, none of these are going to be tacky at all! haha.)

So, I guess there are just many sides to every situation. For us, this plan just made sense. It'll be memorable! Haha. But there will always be outside opinions.

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