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Too many FOB's...

luv2irishluv2irish
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

I'm going to start this question with a little background.

My parents divorced when I was very young, and I didn't spend a lot of time with my father (one month every year). They both remarried; I was raised by my mother and stepfather. Even though Mom and Stepdad divorced a few years ago, I'm still very close with Stepdad; he and his new wife offered to make the invitations for our wedding! I've also gotten closer with Father; he paid for half of my college education and has always offered me a place to live if I needed it. I can always count on him for advice.

When I was younger, my plan was to walk down the aisle with both Father and Stepdad, but this made Mom furious. She really hates Father and would probably be happier if he wasn't invited at all (too bad for her!). My sister, in planning her wedding, wanted the same thing, but Mom told Stepdad not to agree, that he deserved to be the ONLY man giving Sister away.

Now, I've decided to walk down the aisle alone, as I'm at a point in my life and relationship where the idea of anyone "giving" me to my fiance (we will have been together seven years by then!) is silly. But I still want a father-daughter dance, preferably with both Father and Stepdad. I know the song for Father ("Sweet Child o' Mine" by Guns 'n' Roses) but haven't thought of one for Stepdad yet. I know Mom will pitch a royal fit about this but I'm going to stand my ground.

Here's my question: should I do the two FOB dances back-to-back? Spread them out? What should Groom do during the second dance? He has a stepmother but they're not close. Maybe he could dance with Grandma? or Auntie?

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Re: Too many FOB's...

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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    First, don't think of being walked down the aisle as being given away.  That is an old notion.  If you want your Father & Stepfather to escort you down the aisle, then do it!  Your mother should have no say in this. 

    Secondly, if you want to dance with both your father & stepfather, I would do both dads in one song.  Dance for half of the dance with father and then the second half of the song with stepdad.  Two full songs could drag on the spotlight dances for your guests.  And your FI should decide who he dances with.  If he also wants to dance with both moms, then he should do one song and split the time between the moms like you did with the dads.  Again, your mom would have no say in this. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited October 2012
    Seems to me that the big issue here is not that you have too many fathers, but one mother who is unable to control herself to your detriment.

    I think you need to tell your mother that regardless of how she feels about your father, he is still your father, and getting "furious" about him playing a role in your wedding is counterproductive here.  Then decide what roles you want each man to play, regardless of how your mother feels.  Because you are close to your stepfather, I wouldn't exclude him, but I also wouldn't exclude your father to make your mother happy.  She needs to back off instead of acting like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Your mom should not have any voice in either of those decisions. If you want both fathers to walk you down the aisle, you should ask both. If stepdad refuses because he won't stand up to your mom, that's his loss. But he will know that you asked him. Same with the dances. I like OliveOilsMom's suggestion to share the dance. If you decide to do two separate ones, spread them out, so the guests won't be seated for an extended time. The groom doesn't have to match you dance for dance with the spotlight dances. No one will notice.
                       
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    Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_too-many-fobs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:ab88f20c-1a3a-4487-8f28-ff2e2c0d316aPost:5a47f32b-3556-493d-8775-96d24b598cad">Re: Too many FOB's...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Seems to me that the big issue here is not that you have too many fathers, but one mother who is unable to control herself to your detriment</strong>. I think you need to tell your mother that regardless of how she feels about your father, he is still your father, and getting "furious" about him playing a role in your wedding is counterproductive here.  Then decide what roles you want each man to play, regardless of how your mother feels.  Because you are close to your stepfather, I wouldn't exclude him, but I also wouldn't exclude your father to make your mother happy.  <strong>She needs to back off instead of acting like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.</strong>
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    Agreed! 
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    PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Make your decision based on what makes you happy and comfortable. If you sincerely feel best walking alone, then more power to you. Our priest kept pressuring me to do the traditional 'giveaway', but a few of my best disapproving looks made him eventually back down. Because really, it's quite ridiculous for him to believe his opinion in the matter has more weight than mine. Your decision, your rules.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    ElleB87ElleB87 member
    First Comment
    Why are you letting your mother take away something that is clearly important to you? She doesn't get a say. It's that simple. You don't need to inform her of your decision. You can just speak to both your bio dad and step dad privately. It's none of your mother's business who walks you down the aisle and I'm sorry but your step dad is being a p*ssy whipped b***tch if he's honestly letting your mother stop him from walking you or your sister down the aisle.
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    samanthajodancessamanthajodances
    First Comment
    I feel your pain!!! I have 'bio-dad', stepdad (who raised me), and mom (who REALLY raised me after she and stepdad got divorced)!!! 

    I'm having issues with bio-dad not paying a cent, but wanting to walk me down the aisle.  I always envisioned my mom walking me down the aisle (as non-traditional as that may be, I don't care)....at this point, if bio-dad doesnt wanna help at all, he doesn't get privilege of walking me down aisle, so as of now mama and stepdad are walking me down the aisle.  I don't really consider it 'giving me away'...no added stress due to verbage!! :)

    Father-daughter dance, I'd say split the song.  Personally, I'd wanna keep my guests focused in only during one point, might be harder to pull them back in later in the night, plus then who would go first vs second?  Maybe groom dances with his mom even if you split it up with the dads. Or have him dance with your mama, or sister or grandma!

    Good luck!
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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_too-many-fobs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:ab88f20c-1a3a-4487-8f28-ff2e2c0d316aPost:516af7a5-84c7-4851-a5ec-bbf9e3929a93">Re: Too many FOB's...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel your pain!!! I have 'bio-dad', stepdad (who raised me), and mom (who REALLY raised me after she and stepdad got divorced)!!!  I'm having issues with bio-dad not paying a cent, but wanting to walk me down the aisle.  I always envisioned my mom walking me down the aisle (as non-traditional as that may be, I don't care)....at this point, if bio-dad doesnt wanna help at all, he doesn't get privilege of walking me down aisle, so as of now mama and stepdad are walking me down the aisle.  I don't really consider it 'giving me away'...no added stress due to verbage!! :) Father-daughter dance, I'd say split the song.  Personally, I'd wanna keep my guests focused in only during one point, might be harder to pull them back in later in the night, plus then who would go first vs second?  Maybe groom dances with his mom even if you split it up with the dads. Or have him dance with your mama, or sister or grandma! Good luck!
    Posted by samanthajodances[/QUOTE]
    Who is funding your wedding should play no role in the decision of who to walk you down. 



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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I have 3 dads! Luckily, I had a Mom who let us decide if our bio dad was a schmuck or not, he is but he also has his good moments. We are taking the easy way out by not doing any father/daughter, mother/son dances, garter toss, speeches etc. When we are announced as dinner is ending, we will do a first dance and then mingle.
    Could you dance with your dad then have him hand you over to stepdad? It would show his appreciation for the time stepdad gave you? I think it would cause less drama and hurt feelings if your hub just danced with his mom the whole time instead of obviously picking someone other than his stepmom. Or he could just suck it up and play the happy family game and dance with her too? I'm an avoider of conflict so take my advice with a few grains of salt!
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    LizzyRBLizzyRB member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    At first I was going to split a dance with my two dads but now I am going to do dad/daughter dance followed by mother/son, followed by stepdad/daughter.

    We are going to shorten the songs so it doesn't drag out BUT I would rather give each dad a dance and have the spotlight with me for a few moments and a few guests yawning than have two of the men that raised me feeling slighted.
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