Deployed

gjanice42 · July 2011

I am currently deployed, and my fiance is left making plans and trying to get things started. He has no idea where to start and my mother has a small child and lives 3 hours away. What can I do to help, he wants to give me everything I want but its hard since I am over here. And i can only see what the internet allows me to.

firsttimersluck · July 2011

Guy love lists. My FI is all about the knot.com list checker.. but I had to show him where it's at on the website and that could be difficult long distance. You could go onto target.com and buy the "wedding planning" book (or any place has one really.. walmart, fred meyer, michaels, amazon) and have it sent to him. That will help him see the different things he needs to think about, and give him a time-line with lists. He will GREATLY appreciate that.
That's where we started when we first realized "oh hey, we have to plan this thing..."

calindi · July 2011

What a sweet fiance for helping you out! My first suggestion would be to hire a wedding planner or to pick a venue with a good coordinator to help with the details.

To be fair, I booked my venue without ever stepping foot there. Just reviews on TK's local board and seeing pictures. So it's possible to help him! It does help to have someone on the ground to see flower arrangements (maybe not his thing?) and taste food from the caterer before booking.

Give him to-do lists, start with one thing at a time. First thing is figure out a budget that you can afford. Now break down that budget into individual items - TK has a great budget calculator that can help you figure out how to allot the money so you don't run out too early, but you should fiddle with it so it reflects your wedding. For instance, they suggested 40% towards venue and food, but we're spending more like 70% of our budget towards those things. Then with the budget in mind, have him look for venue & ceremony locations. Tell him what you're looking for, and see if he can find something in that price range. After that would be a caterer if they don't have in-house catering at the venue you choose. Have him bring a friend to do tastings before you book! Then have him short list photographers, videographers, florists, and DJ/band. Look through reviews on your local TK board and WeddingWire and discard any that don't sound good. Call and ask for pricing and availability. Have him meet with the short list or call them to get a feel for whether you want them as vendors. Book them. Ta-dah! Wedding planned!

mehgank · July 2011

I read in Brides magazine that some of the things that guys most enjoy doing is:

-Selecting the attire for them and their groomsmen
-Tasting the food when deciding on a caterer
-Tasting the cake when deciding on a baker
-Registering (scanner gun!)
-Picking out the music for the reception

I know some of those you'll want to be home for, though.

Are you having a religious ceremony? If so, it might be a good time to have him start looking into the requirements to get married in the church (pre-marriage counseling, classes, retreats, etc).

firsttimersluck · July 2011

Register, however, can be really overwhelming if the man has to do it alone.. I would say it would be better to do that online (super easy at places like BBB and Macys) . my Fi would have been LOST if I had not been there to point at things for him to scan :P

calindi · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_deployed-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:39ecd29d-f367-458e-b0c4-b1e00a611671Post:d3a0a00a-99c4-4c93-b480-78a461cb7b33">Re: Deployed</a>:
[QUOTE]Register, however, can be really overwhelming if the man has to do it alone.. I would say it would be better to do that online (super easy at places like BBB and Macys) . my Fi would have been LOST if I had not been there to point at things for him to scan :P
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

I don't know who you're marrying, but I think it's a bit ridiculous to say that men in general aren't capable of registering on their own. That it would be 'overwhelming'. I wouldn't marry a man who I wouldn't trust to do some basic things like that. Sure, we'd pick some different things, but if I said, "Pick out things we need for the kitchen, bathroom, and general household things", I know he'd do just fine.

I also think it's sort of weird to give a list of 'things men like to do'. Every man is different - some want to be VERY involved and could easily plan a wedding on their own. Some prefer not to be very involved - this is a lot like brides. Some brides want to do everything, some want a wedding planner and an all inclusive venue so they don't have to make many choices. It depends on the PERSON, not whether they have male or female genitals.

OP - ask your FI what he feels comfortable doing and where he'd like your help or input. You can do a lot of research on the internet and have him check things out in person, or if he prefers to do the research, he can send you pictures and ideas for you to look at when you can. It's totally do-able!

firsttimersluck · July 2011

I said "can be" not "is" overwhelming. I wasn't implying that the general male populus is incapable. It would have been overwhelming for me to do that alone as well. All wedding stuff would have been much more overwhelming had I tackled it alone. I would worry that I would be choosing the wrong things, and that's what was meant by that comment. It's being specific to the gender since OP is concerned about her FI, but it goes both ways I would think.

My FI and I like to pick out everything for our house together, so there was NO way he would want to do it alone and would be worried that he would pick something out that I wouldn't like. I know him very well, and he knows me very well, but when we can and if there is a way, household goods shopping is one of those things we like to do together. Registering is just as easy online as it is in stores. That's ALL I meant by that comment, and I apologize if that offended you in some way.

mehgank · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_deployed-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:39ecd29d-f367-458e-b0c4-b1e00a611671Post:ba3d5ec1-2c44-4c90-8f4e-0043f9dbee10">Re: Deployed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Deployed : I don't know who you're marrying, but I think it's a bit ridiculous to say that men in general aren't capable of registering on their own. That it would be 'overwhelming'. I wouldn't marry a man who I wouldn't trust to do some basic things like that. Sure, we'd pick some different things, but if I said, "Pick out things we need for the kitchen, bathroom, and general household things", I know he'd do just fine. I also think it's sort of weird to give a list of 'things men like to do'. Every man is different - some want to be VERY involved and could easily plan a wedding on their own. Some prefer not to be very involved - this is a lot like brides. Some brides want to do everything, some want a wedding planner and an all inclusive venue so they don't have to make many choices. It depends on the PERSON, not whether they have male or female genitals. OP - ask your FI what he feels comfortable doing and where he'd like your help or input. You can do a lot of research on the internet and have him check things out in person, or if he prefers to do the research, he can send you pictures and ideas for you to look at when you can. It's totally do-able!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Whoa, down girl. If you read in my previous post, I said that those were "some" things that guys like to do. They were just suggestions, and the OP could take 'em or leave 'em as she sees fit. If she knows her FI well enough to know what he would want to be involved in, then obviously my whole list does not apply to her. Again, they were just suggestions.

And as an aside: I've spoken with many brides in regards to their grooms being part of the registration process (mine included) and a good majority of them have treated registering as either a pain in the a$s or like it was playtime. I know that when I registered at Target with my H, he scanned random items like 2-liter bottles of Pepsi, beef jerky, bras, condoms, and 25 breadmakers.

firsttimersluck · July 2011

mehgank- hahaha omg.. scanning condoms.. hilarious. Fi was VERY diligent about the registry process (although we went to a Macys that had a specific store for JUST wedding registry stuff, kinda cool). I think he could have done it on his own just fine, but definitely would have hated to!
I think that list you found (and know that you FOUND it, not that it was YOUR idea

) is actually pretty accurate, although I'm sure there is more. FI cares a LOT about the alcohol.. oh Navy men.. :P He cared a lot about random stuff that I wouldn't even think about.

OP, one thing you could do is give him a list of all the big stuff that needs to be done and ask him what he feels comfortable scoping out alone, what he would want some help/direction on (since you can get online, you can google and send links to him for vendors and things), and what he would want you to do by yourself. It's tough, but you guys will make it work. And we're here when you need anything or need help in your search! We have a few google wizards on this board!

Beachy730 · July 2011

I definitely don't recommend doing the registry fully online. A friend of mine did this, and had a hell of a time returning things and getting the wrong things because things listed on the website aren't always the same as what is available in the store. I would have your FI go and start the registry at whatever store(s) you choose, and then you can look at it online and update it and add/delete things.

We only registered at Target, and did it at the store where FI lived, which was 2 hours form where the wedding was and most of our guests were. We realized that half the things on our registry weren't even available in the Target at home, so we had to do a lot of updating and switching items. Online is a great tool for it, but I would defnitely have your FI double check with everything available in the store as well. Then when you get home, as long as it's not only a few days before the wedding, you can both go into the store together to add or change anything you want.

My H was most interested in the venues, food/alcohol, and the registry. He also though ended up liking a lot of the other stuff. We lived 2 hours apart before we got married, so I did a lot with my mom during the week. When I was out shopping or looking at things, I would narrow it down to 2 or 3 choices and send him a picture or link to them and ask his opinion. You could basically do the same with your FI. You can look at things online and email him pictures or ideas of things you like. Then when he goes shopping or looking, he can narrow it down to a few things he think you will like and email you pics for you to pick.

armygirl03 · July 2011

Hey! I'm in the same situation, but have pretty much finished planning my wedding. I started the whole planning process while on my deployment and found that there are more then enough internet sources for finding venues, catering options, florists, etc. The way my FI and I handled it was I would find a list of places or people for him to check out with contact info and questions, he would go check it out and then we'd make a decision based on both of our leg work. It worked out well, we have a beautiful venue, great catering company, etc. I also utilized my R&R to do as much planning stuff as I could which helped a lot. You can do pretty much everything online as long as you google!

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