Cancelling bridesmaids?!?!

Lat1 · April 2011

Hello,
My wedding is in November, and we have run into a gigantic problem. My parents are paying for the wedding, and they just decided that we are no longer allowed to have a wedding party in the interest of budget cutting and getting back to a more "intimate" feeling. Believe me, I fought with them for about three weeks on this issue, but there is no way to get around this. In any case, I now have to go about the business of telling the girls that I'm no longer having bridesmaids. How in the world do I go about saying that? (Fortunately, none of the girls have ordered their dresses yet or purchased shoes or anything else, and so none of them will be out any money for this.) They will all still be invited, but I don't know how to handle this gracefully. Please help?!

CurlyGirlyGirl · April 2011

Um, why don't YOU pay for their flowers, etc?

There is no way to handle it gracefully.

Beachy730 · April 2011

"Mom and Dad, thank you for offering to pay for our wedding. But it is important to us to have our nearest and dearest friends, who we have already asked, to be in our WP. So thanks but we have decided to plan and host the wedding that we want and can afford."

trix1223 · April 2011

You pay for the wedding you want?

Or at the very least, you pay for the WP-flowers, and reception costs? Don't require pro hair/makeup, and you don't have to pay for that. Don't get limos.

There are ways to cut the costs rather than cutting your friends.

ETA: Reading fail. They're still coming as guests? Then where is the money issue?

bakes218 · April 2011

Pay for your own wedding.

Lat1 · April 2011

We can probably afford to handle flowers on our own, but not the entire wedding. An added complication is that my parents and I have an extremely, extremely rocky relationship. This is becoming very much their show instead of the day I had envisioned, but I am afraid that if I protest anymore on this topic (such as putting the bridesmaids in anyway and paying for their flowers myself), that the whole situation will blow up.

Also, when I say the day I had envisioned, I don't mean I wanted an extravagant affair. I mean that I wanted an informal ceremony and reception with the people I care about, whereas my parents want a show-stopping event for about 20 people tops.

Lat1 · April 2011

My parents are under the impression that paying for the flowers for the wedding party will jack up the expenses pretty high. They also feel that having a wedding party is inappropriate for an intimate wedding.

jilld82 · April 2011

The boutonniere's for our wp for gm are 8 bucks a piece and about 25 for the bouquets. I would be a big girl and pay for stuff yourself.

graysquirrel · April 2011

How does having a BP add that much to your parents' expenses? The WP doesn't need flowers. They can carry nothing at all and still stand up next to you. Or you could buy each BM a single flower to carry for $1 each and have the GM wear pocket squares instead of bouts. Other than the flowers, the BP should not cost them a thing extra since the bride & groom should buy the thank you gifts.

trix1223 · April 2011

I say this with all good intentions, and absolutely no intent to be mean-spirited: if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to say to your parents, "Mom and Dad. Thank your for your generous offer to pay for our wedding. While it's your vision for our wedding, it's not ours. So thank you for the offer, but we're going to decline and plan and pay for it ourselves".

Then you either: scale back to what you can afford, which could be a ceremony followed by cake and punch in the church fellowship hall, or you postpone the wedding and save for the one you can afford.

But as long as they're paying, it IS their decision how their money will be spent.

vicki0508 · April 2011

I think you need to decline your parents' money and host the wedding yourself. It sounds like you are really unhappy with the way things are turning out.

deepcovejackie · April 2011

You'll just have to say "no" to the parents, if you'd like to continue having a WP. Personally, if I was a BM for you, I'd really find it rude to suddenly be "cancelled". Pay for the WP accessories yourselves, and then you parents don't need to worry about the expense.

zitiqueen · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cancelling-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:73b3bf95-cbec-4395-ab10-beddf49b7945Post:2a436078-6ca0-49fe-8f32-a60f2f876199">Re: Cancelling bridesmaids?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]We can probably afford to handle flowers on our own, but not the entire wedding. An added complication is that my parents and I have an extremely, extremely rocky relationship. This is becoming very much their show instead of the day I had envisioned, but<strong> I am afraid that if I protest anymore on this topic (such as putting the bridesmaids in anyway and paying for their flowers myself), that the whole situation will blow up.</strong> Also, when I say the day I had envisioned, I don't mean I wanted an extravagant affair. I mean that I wanted an informal ceremony and reception with the people I care about, whereas my parents want a show-stopping event for about 20 people tops.
Posted by Lat1[/QUOTE]

Exactly what trix said. If you're too scared to stand up to mommy and daddy, you really have no business getting married.

smilormarie · April 2011

BMs usually pay for their own dresses and GMs usually rent their own tuxes. Allow your BMs to get whatever shoes/jewelry they want. Also in weddings I've been in, BMs usually pay for their own hair updo and do their own makeup. The only cost would be flowers and you can pay for this yourself and make the gifts or purchase something sentimental but afforable for each. I'm not really sure how cutting the WP cuts the costs unless they were expecting to pay for everything (clothes, shoes, flowers, hair/makeup, etc) for each. If they are cutting just to keep the feeling of the ceremony small and intimate (like say you have 6 attendants on each side) because your parents would prefer you have only 1 or 2 people each - then that's another issue. Good luck.

sklink0486 · April 2011

First of all, I don't even understand how this will be much of an expense to your parents- like PP said, the BM's and GM usually pay for their own dress or tux. The only thing your parents will have to do is pay for their flowers and meals- which I would suggest you pay yourself instead of "canceling them".

Secondly, exactly what Trix said.

needle&thread · April 2011

OMG...I agree with everyone on this one.

Sweetie, if you are intimidated by your parents about planning 'their' wedding and not yours...well honey get ready for the ride of your life. They will run every aspect of your married life with you 'co-signing' it. Do you think that your husband is going to let them make all the decisions in your marriage? Most marriages dont work for mainly three things: cheating, money and in-laws.

Before you can get married, you have to stand up to your parents...thats what adults do--no insult intended.

Now the cost is minimal...you pay for the flowers they will carry, they are going to be guests anyway-so the food is not an issue and they are going to pay for their attire...where is this 'great added expense'? The food is the target if you are cutting back on expenses...everything else is minimal.

Do not cut your friends, you are going to need them to talk to when your parents try to run the rest of your life!

Sorry...

S and CJ

AdeleDazeem · April 2011

I'm sorry things have come to this. My parents are paying for our wedding and were adamant about doing so. We gratefully accepted. However, as much as my parents are involved, they respect my fiance's and my decisions. If they ask for something we are uncomfortable with, we discuss it and reach a compromise. It is their money, but it is our wedding and compromises need to be a cornerstone of planning.

We're only reading one side of the issue here. I'd be curious to hear what your parents have to say. Regardless, if you are that unhappy, either turn your parents offer down or have a serious discussion with them about what kind of wedding you'd like. Everyone should be able to see each other's side. I'm concerned that no one seems to be able to do that. I'm also a little concerned that when your parents said having a wedding party was too expensive, your first thought wasnt "Oh, my fiance and I will pay for that."

mbcdefg · April 2011

Sorry that your parents have gone back on their promise.

You can explain the situation to your bridesmaids and hope that they understand. They may be O.K. with it, or they may be pissed that they are being kicked out because your Mommy and Daddy don't want them anymore and because you are bowing down to their wishes.

However, I'll also ditto Trix. I REALLY think it'd be in your best interest to refuse their money and plan the wedding that YOU and your FIANCE want, rather than planning the wedding that they want for you. Even if it makes them mad. Because they won't stop bossing you around once your wedding is over ... they'll soon be pushing you around about where to live, your jobs, babies (when to have them, how many to have, what to name them, how to raise them, etc.). Stand up to them NOW before it's too late, and before your husband gets sick of having four people in his marriage instead of just the two of you.

Hellokatie0517 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cancelling-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73b3bf95-cbec-4395-ab10-beddf49b7945Post:2a436078-6ca0-49fe-8f32-a60f2f876199">Re: Cancelling bridesmaids?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]We can probably afford to handle flowers on our own, but not the entire wedding. <strong>An added complication is that my parents and I have an extremely, extremely rocky relationship. </strong>This is becoming very much their show instead of the day I had envisioned, but I am afraid that if I protest anymore on this topic (such as putting the bridesmaids in anyway and paying for their flowers myself), that the whole situation will blow up. Also, when I say the day I had envisioned, I don't mean I wanted an extravagant affair. I mean that I wanted an informal ceremony and reception with the people I care about, whereas my parents want a show-stopping event for about 20 people tops.
Posted by Lat1[/QUOTE]

Obviously not rocky enough for them not to pay for the wedding. I'm not understanding how an event for 20 people can be show stopping. Tell them no thanks and pay for your own wedding. It's amazing how liberating it is.

awick14 · April 2011

I agree with most of the pp. If I was asked to be in your wedding party and got cut, due to your parents "wanting to cut costs", I would be very upset.

Please don't cancel you WP, as this will cancell your friendships as well, and you won't have to worry about the cost of their food at the wedding either. As I wouldnt come if I was cancelled like this.

zitiqueen · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cancelling-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:73b3bf95-cbec-4395-ab10-beddf49b7945Post:2a436078-6ca0-49fe-8f32-a60f2f876199">Re: Cancelling bridesmaids?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>We can probably afford to handle flowers on our own, but not the entire wedding.</strong> An added complication is that my parents and I have an extremely, extremely rocky relationship. This is becoming very much their show instead of the day I had envisioned, but I am afraid that if I protest anymore on this topic (such as putting the bridesmaids in anyway and paying for their flowers myself), that the whole situation will blow up. Also, when I say the day I had envisioned, I don't mean I wanted an extravagant affair. I mean that I wanted an informal ceremony and reception with the people I care about, whereas my parents want a show-stopping event for about 20 people tops.
Posted by Lat1[/QUOTE]

If flowers for your bridal party are really the only part of your wedding you can afford to pay for, you can't afford to be married.

marinabreeze · April 2011

I agree with PPs. If it's about the expense, pay for the expenses of the WP, which would seem to be bouquets, gifts, and prohair/makeup/shoes (if you require it). If it's about a WP not fitting a vision your parents have for the wedding, you need to make some hard decisions.

I don't want to sound mean, but if you are adult enough to get married, you should be willing to make adult decisions. You need to let your parents know that this is what you and your FI want since you are the ones getting married and this is something important to you. If they aren't allowing the things important to you to be a part of your wedding, then decline the money and plan a wedding you and your FI can afford, whether it means postponing the wedding until you have the money to have the wedding you want, or having something a lot simpler now.

MyNameIsNot · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cancelling-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73b3bf95-cbec-4395-ab10-beddf49b7945Post:5188fbf8-8622-4439-95b2-e759de5c3492">Re: Cancelling bridesmaids?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cancelling bridesmaids?!?! : Exactly what trix said. If you're too scared to stand up to mommy and daddy, you really have no business getting married.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>This. You need to say "thanks but no thanks" even if it means postponing the wedding or cutting back drastically. If your relationship really is rocky with your parents, and you are giving them this much control of your life, this is going to be a massive disater.</div><div>
</div><div>Good luck.</div>

DNAtime · April 2011

I also ditto PPs. This would be a deal breaker for me. Its time to put your big girl panties on and stand up for yourself. As someone above mentioned its very liberating.

From the way you have described your wedding it seems like you would be happy with something smaller and lower key. My advice, save up the money and do it yourself.

Good luck, if you don't put a stop to your parents controlling your life now it will only get worse. It will NOT go away once the wedding is over. Period. For a lot of people, drawing boundaries isn't easy, but many times it must be done.

TheCranberry · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cancelling-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73b3bf95-cbec-4395-ab10-beddf49b7945Post:1a3b5245-ae79-4ae6-b22b-7f6b77a42458">Re: Cancelling bridesmaids?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cancelling bridesmaids?!?! : If flowers for your bridal party are really the only part of your wedding you can afford to pay for, you can't afford to be married.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Maybe they can't afford to have a wedding, but that doesn't mean they can't afford to be married.

lyndausvi · April 2011

I would have to decline my parents offer if they treated me like that. They seem way too controlling IMO.

I get having a say because they are paying for the wedding. When I say I mean the venue, chicken over filet, full bar vs no bar. 100 guests instead of 200. Those directly effect their pocketbooks.

But damm, they want control of the WP? Nope, no way, I'm sorry that is just BS.

MatthewN713 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cancelling-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:73b3bf95-cbec-4395-ab10-beddf49b7945Post:ff1a2b37-cd4b-415d-aab8-af063f104331">Re: Cancelling bridesmaids?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]
They're still coming as guests? Then where is the money issue?
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Exactly ... what's the issue? The cost of their meals/drinks, etc. will still be exactly the same, so what are your parents saving by not having a wedding party? Typically, bridesmaids pay for their dresses, so .... ???

KJ7985 · April 2011

First of all, this is crap. I would suggest saying thank you, but no thank you and footing the bill with your fiance (I know it's easier said than done, but asking you to eliminate your wedding party is pretty terrible). Last I checked, it didn't cost anything for your friends and family to stand up at the alter with you. If it's that big of a deal, skip the real flowers (guys won't miss 'em at all, the girls could carry artificial flowers). Eliminate the expenses for the bridal party and see what your parents' excuse is. This seems really odd to me and I feel like it's not really about the expense and more about them having control.

Jookie77 · April 2011

I would elope. But maybe that's just me.

Soon2BeMrsTing · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_cancelling-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:73b3bf95-cbec-4395-ab10-beddf49b7945Post:d820fe08-d386-4f31-896f-bb51ee12a393">Re: Cancelling bridesmaids?!?!</a>:
[QUOTE]The boutonniere's for our wp for gm are 8 bucks a piece and about 25 for the bouquets. I would be a big girl and pay for stuff yourself.
Posted by jilld82[/QUOTE]

This is almost exactly what we paid, too. We set a LOW flower budget and got the goods at a grocery store.

OP, I hope you can find a way to pay to keep your WP.

foreverurz23 · April 2011

I would say...you can pay for the wedding if you want...anything that has to do with the wedding party, i'll pay for....the flowers, the Rehersle dinner, and the gifts....ect....if they dont want that....then i would just tell them *depending on your religious preference* i'm going to the justice of peace, i'll do it myself!!! maybe that will be a wake up call to your parents on how important they are to the two of you.

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