Be My Bridesmaid NO LATER THAN? and paying for their dresses

acatudal · March 2013

1. When I send out my bridesmaid request cards, is it appropriate to ask them to let me know by a certain day if they can do it? I am asking my sisters to be part of the wedding party even though I am not on great terms with them (it seems proper and possibly a good way to build our relationship again). However, I cannot wait around for a "no" - and it's not because I'm heartless! I am unable to be part of the wedding planning process for 2-3 months right before the big day, so most of the details will have to be figured out early. I'm sure there is a nonchalant way of doing this, but nothing comes to mind...

2. Is paying for a bridesmaid's dress appropriate for their "bridesmaid gift" or should I go with a wedding-day accessory (shoes/jewelry/etc)?

Thanks for reading

QueerFemme · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_be-my-bridesmaid-no-later-than-and-paying-for-their-dresses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06a21008-34ab-4a2e-8ef4-14f3ca8b3e48Post:f753ab62-e445-4f0f-af9e-4775f46cbca4">Be My Bridesmaid NO LATER THAN? and paying for their dresses</a>:
[QUOTE]

1. When I send out my bridesmaid request cards, is it appropriate to ask them to let me know by a certain day if they can do it? I am asking my sisters to be part of the wedding party even though I am not on great terms with them (it seems proper and possibly a good way to build our relationship again). However, I cannot wait around for a "no" - and it's not because I'm heartless! I am unable to be part of the wedding planning process for 2-3 months right before the big day, so most of the details will have to be figured out early. I'm sure there is a nonchalant way of doing this, but nothing comes to mind...

Call them or ask them in person. I see no reason why you need to know by a certain date, other than saying "the dresses will need to be ordered by X date.. so, we can start talking about that soon". The reason you don't really need to know a yes or no, is you shouldn't be filling an open slot. If they say no, they say no. You don't need to try to find someone else if they say no.

2. Is paying for a bridesmaid's dress appropriate for their "bridesmaid gift" or should I go with a wedding-day accessory (shoes/jewelry/etc)?

No. the gift is to thank them for standing next to you and supporting you. It isn't a payback for buying a dress. Nothing that is wedding related should be considered a "gift". So, if you decide to buy their dresses, shoes, jewelry, that is very nice. But, it doesn't count as their gift. You can get them something small. Something personal to each BM. Nothing that is related to your wedding.

Also, the only thing that BMs need to pay for is the dress. If you are requiring certain jewelry or shoes, you need to pay for them anyway. So, that's even another reason those things should count towards their gift.

Thanks for reading
Posted by acatudal[/QUOTE]

[Deleted User] · March 2013

cmgilpin hit it right on the head, Just ask them in person - that will save the need to have them "rsvp." As for the gifts, nothing wedding related should be a gift. Get them whatever you want, but also get them something personal and not wedding related. It doesn't have to be big but it shouldn't be part of their "costume."

banana468 · March 2013

I don't understand asking someone to be a BM in writing. Just do it in person!

Sometimes the wedding industry does stuff that is "cute" but it over complicates things.

AdeleDazeem · March 2013

Bridesmaid's Request Cards? Just ask them in person. So much easier.

Gifts should have nothing to do with your wedding.

artbyallie · March 2013

1. Why do you need to have everything planned that far in advance? Invitations shouldn't be going out until 6-8 weeks before the wedding, which means your RSVPs will be coming in during your time frame where you can't be involved. (What does that mean, by the way?) In any case, though, it ultimately doesn't matter how long they take to answer as long as they arrive in whatever dress/color you ask them to wear on the wedding day, since that's the only thing they need to do.

2. Anything for your bridesmaids to wear in the wedding is not an appropriate gift, though if you're requiring specific jewelry, shoes, hair, or make-up (but please don't!), you do need to pay for it. Their gifts should be something you would pick for their birthday or Christmas.

acatudal · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_be-my-bridesmaid-no-later-than-and-paying-for-their-dresses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:06a21008-34ab-4a2e-8ef4-14f3ca8b3e48Post:c24bb3e7-e151-46ed-b872-1dae39381fd9">Re: Be My Bridesmaid NO LATER THAN? and paying for their dresses</a>:
[QUOTE]1. Why do you need to have everything planned that far in advance? Invitations shouldn't be going out until 6-8 weeks before the wedding, which means your RSVPs will be coming in during your time frame where you can't be involved. (What does that mean, by the way?) In any case, though, it ultimately doesn't matter how long they take to answer as long as they arrive in whatever dress/color you ask them to wear on the wedding day, since that's the only thing they need to do. 2. Anything for your bridesmaids to wear in the wedding is not an appropriate gift, though if you're requiring specific jewelry, shoes, hair, or make-up (but please don't!), you do need to pay for it. Their gifts should be something you would pick for their birthday or Christmas.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

I'm in Arizona. Wedding is in TN. Bridesmaids are from VA, TN, AZ, & GA. I'm in the military and will be on an assignment for several months before the wedding where I will not be in contact with anyone.

MyNameIsNot · March 2013

If you cannot ask them in person, call or skype them. A card or invitation is very impersonal. Would you send one of these people a card to invite them to be the godmother of your child? What if your FI had proposed in such a manner? These are your closest friends. Go personal.

If you aren't close with your sisters, it probably isn't a great idea to ask them. Standing in your wedding party will not make them closer to you. Even if they aren't BMs, you can still get them coursages and put them in the front row of the ceremony.

It's great if you want to buy their dresses, but that really isn't a gift to them. If you do go that route, I would go very inexpensive on gifts for them, though. If it isn't in your budget to pay for their dresses, ask them for a budget and go from there. You could also offer to throw in X amount toward their dresses to make it easier on them.

artbyallie · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_be-my-bridesmaid-no-later-than-and-paying-for-their-dresses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:06a21008-34ab-4a2e-8ef4-14f3ca8b3e48Post:d9a3b042-fd5d-417e-b267-de2661f29c4e">Re: Be My Bridesmaid NO LATER THAN? and paying for their dresses</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Be My Bridesmaid NO LATER THAN? and paying for their dresses : I'm in Arizona. Wedding is in TN. Bridesmaids are from VA, TN, AZ, & GA. I'm in the military and will be on an assignment for several months before the wedding where I will not be in contact with anyone.
Posted by acatudal[/QUOTE]

<div>In that case, you may have to entrust some of the details (like collecting RSVPs) to someone else. Your groom, maybe? Your mom? With your bridesmaids in so many states, I would definitely just pick a color and length and let them pick individually. My bridesmaids were in three states and that's what we did.</div>

AJuliaNJ · March 2013

Ditto asking in person. Unless they have some hesitations, they will answer on the spot.

Ditto not asking your sisters if you are not close. You definitely have to like everyone in your bridal party. Although all bridesmaids are supposed to do is show up the day of, if you read through this board or talk to other brides, you will learn that all sorts of things will come up where you might butt heads. It's much better to get along with them from the get-go.

brielleinlove · March 2013

Please do not send them a silly card in the mail or, worse yet, a box full of junk that is supposed to indicate that you want them to be a bridesmaid. If someone I knew sent me one of those, I'd immediately assume that she was going to be very high-maintenance about her wedding and expect me to "volunteer" to help her with her DIY projects and be on call 24/7 for wedding-related "emergencies..." and I'd find some reason that I couldn't be her bridesmaid.

OwningAHome1981 · March 2013

Something that is a requirement for the wedding (ie. the dress) is not a gift. You do not need to pay for their dresses, but if you do, it's not a "gift".

MuppetOverlord · March 2013

I am of the "don't ask people you don't have a good relationship" mind.

This wedding is about you and FI and those standing to your side should be important and meaningful to you. The position isn't really an excuse to make your relationship better. You can take any day all year to do that if you want. If you become closer to them before the wedding, they can help you with the details that you cant get to for the time you're unable to be involved .

bumblebee1234 · March 2013

I disagree with the majority of these posts. I actually think buying bridesmaid's dresses for your attendants is very thoughtful and generous. Sometimes making some of the wedding expenses easier is a gift in itself. I have to say I did this for my bridesmaids and they LOVED it. I also did get them each thoughtful and personalized gifts but I did buy their dresses.

Additionally, I think sending a card asking them is a thoughtful idea. Again, don't let others on this board dictate to you what is right and wrong. It is up to you and you know your relationship with these ladies, not anyone on here.

bumblebee1234 · March 2013

RetreadBride, I am not going to validate your statement with any comment.

I believe it is this bride's choice and right to do what she feels is right. There is no uniform right or wrong way to do this. Gifts are different things to different people and this is something the bride should decide for herself and if she wants to send them cards asking them to be her bridesmaids, that is her choice and not for others to dictate.

bumblebee1234 · March 2013

I believe people should ask they're friends to be bm in any way they feel does homage to their friendship. It is not our place to say this is absolutely right or this is absolutely wrong.

bumblebee1234 · March 2013

Original poster, I wish you the very best with all of your wedding planning and execution.

Be My Bridesmaid NO LATER THAN? and paying for their dresses

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