To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists)

Carmen Ayala · December 2012

Hello All

I got engaged last July on my one year dating anniversary with my boyfriend. We both felt very strongly that we wanted to wait to be married before we live together.We set our wedding date a year from the day he proposed to me but he just got an offer for a great job in LA. I am completely torn because if we elope and move there I'm not sure if I will even want my real wedding that I have been planning if I know I'm already married. But we have lots of people planning to come from out of town and we both had our hearts set on having the wedding date match with everything else we have done up to this point. I am worried about eloping if it is just for the sake of having it on paper and living seperately in LA is not really an option. I guess it would only be for 5 months that we'd live together if we wait to get married but still.

If anyone has experience/advice that would be much appreciated as I have no idea what to do...

Thanks,

Almost Mrs. Shaw

AdeleDazeem · December 2012

Well... if you elope, then you don't get to have a "real" wedding later because the date you sign the license and say the words is your "real" wedding. Anything else you do will be a reenactment and a bit silly.

Getting married now, moving to LA and throwing a kick ass party on your original wedding date is completely fine, but many people will not travel for it. You also forgo all the "wedding" things, like big white dress, cake cutting, bouquet tosses, and showers.

What do you feel more strongly about? Living together before marriage or all the trapping of a wedding?

If I really wanted the wedding, but felt super strongly about the living thing, then he'd move to LA and we would do long distance until the wedding, after which we'd move in together.

AddieCake · December 2012

My husband took a job on the east coast while we still lived in Texas. He moved out here in January of last year, we got married in March, and I didn't join him here until June because I was a teacher and had to wait for the school year to be over. It wasn't ideal, but we made it work.

MyNameIsNot · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_to-move-in-or-not-to-move-in-before-the-marriagewith-some-twists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3663a71f-60f7-4f17-9d3e-6add0993d182Post:4a1d5b79-9d56-48f5-ac8b-2a32697fc001">To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello All I got engaged last July on my one year dating anniversary with my boyfriend. We both felt very strongly that we wanted to wait to be married before we live together.We set our wedding date a year from the day he proposed to me but he just got an offer for a great job in LA. I am completely torn because if we elope and move there I'm not sure if I will even want my real wedding that I have been planning if I know I'm already married. But we have lots of people planning to come from out of town and we both had our hearts set on having the wedding date match with everything else we have done up to this point. I am worried about eloping if it is just for the sake of having it on paper and living seperately in LA is not really an option. I guess it would only be for 5 months that we'd live together if we wait to get married but still. If anyone has experience/advice that would be much appreciated as I have no idea what to do... Thanks, Almost Mrs. Shaw
Posted by Carmen Ayala[/QUOTE]

<div>If you elope now, a big thing to follow will not be a real wedding. It will be a fake wedding. The real wedding is the one where you get married.</div><div>
</div><div>Personally, I would just move in together, but I'm of the school of thought that moving in together before marriage is not immoral and actually quite smart.</div><div>
</div><div>If living together before getting married is not an option, your choices are to either live long distance for a while or move up the wedding. Only the two of you can decide which is more important: staying together or big wedding as planned. </div>

Jen4948 · December 2012

If you elope, that ceremony will be your wedding. You don't get to have another later, with the big white dress, the bridesmaids, the reception, and so on. If you do that, it will be a re-enactment-but not a "wedding."

If you really don't want to live together before you are married, but aren't willing to wait, then you should accept that you won't get to have the big white one later. Or, have the big white one later after you've moved, but without some people who won't travel long distance for it.

You have some choices to make.

ElleB87 · December 2012

To refer to an elopement as not a "real" wedding is highly offensive. You also sound really immature.

Annas2013 · December 2012

Do not do a fake wedding re-do. Because that's what it would be if you eloped then had a reenactment later. That's rude and lying to everyone. It wouldn't be your "real wedding".

My FI and I didn't live together/aren't living together before marriage, but we're still having a 17 month engagement. We wanted a marriage, so eloping wasn't an option. Plus as an adult you have to realize that some things are worth the wait if they're important to you.

Five months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. If you really want to not live together before you're married, and have a wedding, just wait.

OliveOilsMom · December 2012

If it is for religious reasons that you do not want to live together, could you find a 2 bedroom apartment and live as brother & sister? That would not violate your religious ideals, because you would be staying chaste. And after your wedding, you will begin living as husband and wife.

cwaggoner07 · December 2012

We had a similar situation. We also felt strongly about living apart until we were married. FI had a major career change 2 years into our relationship, and moved to Los Angeles to go to film school for a year and a half while I stayed in Texas. When he was planning to move back after school, he had basically run through all of his savings and couldn't find enough work in Texas to justify getting his own place. He was getting a decent amount of work in Los Angeles. So here were our options:
1. He stays in LA and tries to save up enough money to eventually move back and afford his own place while establishing himself in Dallas.
2. He moves back to Dallas, we live together to save money so he can build his career in our hometown, and get married fairly soon after that.

I was so ready to be back together with him, and that was more important than not living together. As it happened, he proposed the day he moved back to Dallas so we were able to jump into wedding planning. Even if we hadn't gotten married for a year or so, I'm still happy with my decision because my relationship with him was more important than guidelines that we set years before our lives had taken a turn.

renegade gaucho · December 2012

Five months isn't that long. If it's that important to you to be married before you move in together, wait. If you decide that you can't wait that long and you want to get married right away, that is your real wedding.

cwaggoner07 · December 2012

I think it's also smart as an adult to realize that things aren't always as easy as black and white. It's easy to say out loud, for example, 'we're NEVER going to bed angry'. However, there are occasions where getting a good night sleep is what both people need to come together to solve an argument. When I was 16 I saw all of my friends getting in trouble with alcohol and I said I was never going to drink. I had good intentions and a pure heart when I said that, but hey, you know what? I grew up and discovered I really liked wine. I just hated people being irresponsible with alcohol.
This is kind of the same thing.
You both had the best of intentions to set this rule for your relationship. But things changed, and that's ok.
You set boudaries for a reason, and now you really need to decide why you did set those boudaries, and if you're both ok being flexible to do what works best in your situation.

angelnite22191 · December 2012

My own opinion is that you should live with someone before you marry. You don't truly know someone till you have. That being said, since you feel so strongly about it, I would elope. Yeah your liscense may say you married on another date but that doesn't have to define when you and the world celebrate it. A good friend of mine eloped due to a similar situation. Her wedding date is May 11, 2013. No one cares that she is technically already married, we are all just excited to be able to celebrate with her. Good luck hun and I hope you still have the wedding you've always dreamed of.

melb2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_to-move-in-or-not-to-move-in-before-the-marriagewith-some-twists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3663a71f-60f7-4f17-9d3e-6add0993d182Post:0187c481-6490-422b-bcbb-84d9770615d2">Re: To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists)</a>:
[QUOTE]My own opinion is that you should live with someone before you marry. You don't truly know someone till you have. That being said, since you feel so strongly about it, I would elope. Yeah your liscense may say you married on another date but that doesn't have to define when you and the world celebrate it. A good friend of mine eloped due to a similar situation. Her wedding date is May 11, 2013. No one cares that she is technically already married, we are all just excited to be able to celebrate with her. Good luck hun and I hope you still have the wedding you've always dreamed of.
Posted by angelnite22191[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree this is bad advice. Having two weddings is like re-enacting a play. My grandparents technically had two wedding ceremonies, they eloped with a JP and then my grandfather converted to my grandmother's religion and they were remarried in the Church and they consider that their "real wedding" since it was before God. Both ceremonies were private though, so there was no charade. My parents eloped but had a small party to celebrate their marriage with their family later, there's nothing wrong with doing that, in fact, that may be my suggestion to your situation. </div>

manjermj · December 2012

Honestly 5 months isn't long at all. Just wait it out and move after the wedding. Like other posters have said, once you're married, you're married. There is no option to have 2 weddings. My fiance is in the Marines and we have been long distance for over 4 years now (him being in training, deployed to afghanistan, stationed in California - me in PA) and if you want it to work, it'll work. Sometimes we have to sacrifice convenience to have things work the way we want them to.

kerbohl · December 2012

I'll be overseas for seven months during my engagement, and it is also important to me to not live with my fiance before marriage. Skype will be my best friend, but we'll get through it. If it is important to you to not live together before the wedding, it is possible to wait. It'll be hard, but very possible.

Lisa50 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_to-move-in-or-not-to-move-in-before-the-marriagewith-some-twists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3663a71f-60f7-4f17-9d3e-6add0993d182Post:4a1d5b79-9d56-48f5-ac8b-2a32697fc001">To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello All I got engaged last July on my one year dating anniversary with my boyfriend. We both felt very strongly that we wanted to wait to be married before we live together.We set our wedding date a year from the day he proposed to me but he just got an offer for a great job in LA. I am completely torn because if we elope and move there I'm not sure if I will even want my real wedding that I have been planning if I know I'm already married. But we have lots of people planning to come from out of town and <font color="#000080"><strong>we both had our hearts set on having the wedding date match with everything else </strong></font>we have done up to this point. I am worried about eloping if it is just for the sake of having it on paper and living seperately in LA is not really an option. I guess it would only be for 5 months that we'd live together if we wait to get married but still. If anyone has experience/advice that would be much appreciated as I have no idea what to do... Thanks, Almost Mrs. Shaw
Posted by Carmen Ayala[/QUOTE]

Congratulations on your engagement! I don't see any reason to push up your wedding date. You can hang out where you are now and continue making plans long distance. Five months will <u>fly</u> by! Have the wedding your hearts are set on. Good luck!

Summer2011Bride · December 2012

H and I were long distance for the first 4.5 years that we dated. It sucks, but you can make it work if it's more important that you don't live together before marrying. Many couples do long distance and have successful and happy relationships, and at least it would only be for 5 months.

Like others have said, if you elope, that IS your wedding. You can't go back and re-do it later. So I would think long and hard and talk to FI about what is most important: not living together and having the wedding you really want in time, or not being apart and having an elopment right now. Make this decision together. Neither decision is "right" but you do want to be on the same page and be happy with the decision you make.

Calypso1977 · December 2012

5 months isnt that long.
but if you plan to settle in LA after the wedding, id start looking for a job NOW.

i assume you are renting two places now, so paying double rent shouldnt be an issue if you end up getting a job within the next 5 months. you could also rent one of those efficiencies and put your stuff in storage.

worst case you could live together and maintain separate bedrooms, provided your FI gets a 2bedroom + place.

but all this aside, i wouldnt marry just to move with him. you'll be shocked at how fast time will go by and your wedding date will be here before you know it.

lovesclimbing · December 2012

I wouldn't marry just to move in with him. Living with someone before marriage does not automatically mean you will have a better or longer marriage. My parents never lived together and they've been married for 25 years. I have several friends in my own generation who have been married for five, six, seven, eight or more years without having lived together first.

I say wait for five months and get married then. Five months will just fly by.

smulholland279 · December 2012

I have read a lot of these posts that say your elopement is your "real" wedding and you can't do any of the other stuff as a reenactment but I have to say I totallly disagree! If you feel strongly about being married before you live together and you don't want to be apart for 5 months, go for it, elope! But just because you are legally married doesn't mean you cant have a big old party where all your friends and family gather to celebrate your union!! I had a friend that eloped and got legally married just her and her husband (they want to adopt children and didn't want to put off getting married and delay the adoption process just because they couldn't afford a wedding right then) and then a year later they had a big, traditional wedding ceremony and reception. And we were all just so happy to celebrate with them!!

Sara

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_to-move-in-or-not-to-move-in-before-the-marriagewith-some-twists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3663a71f-60f7-4f17-9d3e-6add0993d182Post:36620438-4f17-41c3-b8e0-1d6b1e2e228e">Re: To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists)</a>:
[QUOTE]I have read a lot of these posts that say your elopement is your "real" wedding and you can't do any of the other stuff as a reenactment but I have to say I totallly disagree! If you feel strongly about being married before you live together and you don't want to be apart for 5 months, go for it, elope! But just because you are legally married doesn't mean you cant have a big old party where all your friends and family gather to celebrate your union!! I had a friend that eloped and got legally married just her and her husband (they want to adopt children and didn't want to put off getting married and delay the adoption process just because they couldn't afford a wedding right then) and then a year later they had a big, traditional wedding ceremony and reception. And we were all just so happy to celebrate with them!! Sara
Posted by smulholland279[/QUOTE]

Lying to your friends and family just so you can get gifts and wear a poofy dress is never a good idea. Part of being an adult is accepting that your decisions have consequences.

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_to-move-in-or-not-to-move-in-before-the-marriagewith-some-twists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3663a71f-60f7-4f17-9d3e-6add0993d182Post:4a1d5b79-9d56-48f5-ac8b-2a32697fc001">To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello All I got engaged last July on my one year dating anniversary with my boyfriend. We both felt very strongly that we wanted to wait to be married before we live together.We set our wedding date a year from the day he proposed to me but he just got an offer for a great job in LA. I am completely torn because if we elope and move there I'm not sure if I will even want my real wedding that I have been planning if I know I'm already married. But we have lots of people planning to come from out of town and <strong>we both had our hearts set on having the wedding date match with everything else we have done up to this point. </strong>I am worried about eloping if it is just for the sake of having it on paper and living seperately in LA is not really an option. I guess it would only be for 5 months that we'd live together if we wait to get married but still. If anyone has experience/advice that would be much appreciated as I have no idea what to do... Thanks, Almost Mrs. Shaw
Posted by Carmen Ayala[/QUOTE]

I have to ask, how old are you? This sounds like something somebody very young would be concerned about. Seriuosly, it's a day on a calendar. It's just not that important in the grand scheme of things.

sapphirek · December 2012

It's kind of hilarious seeing so many grown woman putting others down for 'fake' weddings. Did you know that in some cultures 'ceremony' and 'wedding' are not synonymous with each other? Where couples wait a year or two after their ceremony before they have a wedding? And even those who choose to have it all on the same day, most often have their ceremony earlier in the day with just the immediate family and their 'wedding' later in the evening?

What's a wedding? It's a celebration of someone's ceremony, commitment and love. It's not 'fake' or a 'reenactment' if you choose to have a wedding following your ceremony. Do you really think your marriage is based on a piece of paper?

All of you sound so horribly sheltered and shallow calling other people's weddings fake. Shame on you.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_to-move-in-or-not-to-move-in-before-the-marriagewith-some-twists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3663a71f-60f7-4f17-9d3e-6add0993d182Post:699662db-ba37-4c4c-875b-33e2b1fb8f1d">Re: To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists)</a>:
[QUOTE]Do not do a fake wedding re-do. Because that's what it would be if you eloped then had a reenactment later. That's rude and lying to everyone. It wouldn't be your "real wedding". My FI and I didn't live together/aren't living together before marriage, but we're still having a 17 month engagement. We wanted a marriage, so eloping wasn't an option. Plus as an adult you have to realize that some things are worth the wait if they're important to you. Five months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. If you really want to not live together before you're married, and have a wedding, just wait.
Posted by Annas2013[/QUOTE]

Calypso1977 · December 2012

and also in america, a religious ceremony is considered legal where many countries require a civil legal ceremony if you do a religious ceremony.

i have no problems with a party to celebrate a marriage that already took place. i just dont understand a repeat ceremony. to me it doesnt mean anything to witness vows that were already made prior. they're already married. they already made their promises. they're already legally and in some cases spiritually bound.

s-aries8990 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_to-move-in-or-not-to-move-in-before-the-marriagewith-some-twists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3663a71f-60f7-4f17-9d3e-6add0993d182Post:73cdf81c-7f1f-4838-b252-282ffeb4d842">Re: To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists)</a>:
[QUOTE]It's kind of hilarious seeing so many grown woman putting others down for 'fake' weddings.<strong> Did you know that in some cultures</strong> 'ceremony' and 'wedding' are not synonymous with each other? Where couples wait a year or two after their ceremony before they have a wedding? And even those who choose to have it all on the same day, most often have their ceremony earlier in the day with just the immediate family and their 'wedding' later in the evening? What's a wedding? It's a celebration of someone's ceremony, commitment and love. It's not 'fake' or a 'reenactment' if you choose to have a wedding following your ceremony. <strong>Do you really think your marriage is based on a piece of paper? All of you sound so horribly sheltered and shallow calling other people's weddings fake. Shame on you</strong>. In Response to Re: To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists) :
Posted by sapphirek[/QUOTE]

To go through the customs of a foreign culture that you do not practice and do not intent to assimilate to makes a mockery of the culture's customs. That's like me, a Catholic, marrying someone not Jewish but standing under a Huppa and breaking the glass. It's not taking the culture seriously nor is it respecting their traditions.

And marriage isn't based on a piece of paper at all- its based on love and commitment. If you elope, you are already married and that was your wedding. If you do a reenactment of a WEDDING, then that wedding on the later day with the pouff and pomp is fake- its even worse if the guests are lied to. If you have a VOW RENEWAL, then it is not fake, a little ridiculous and AW-ish, but at least it's a real ceremony, not a reenactment.

It's the fake ones that are bad. The 1 year vow renewals aren't much better, but at least the couple is being honest.

stantokm · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_to-move-in-or-not-to-move-in-before-the-marriagewith-some-twists?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:3663a71f-60f7-4f17-9d3e-6add0993d182Post:2a7fff66-45a1-4e3f-a465-5cdda6acfa2e">Re: To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists) : I have to ask, how old are you? This sounds like something somebody very young would be concerned about. Seriuosly, it's a day on a calendar. It's just not that important in the grand scheme of things.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Given the high number of people who choose "special" days for their wedding dates, I don't think that this is a sign of someone "very young." I've known people to get married on their parents' or grandparents' anniversary dates and their own dating anniversaries.

If my dating anniversary was on a Saturday instead of a Tuesday next year, I would have considered it and I'm 29.

LizzyRB · December 2012

I used to say I would never live with someone until I was married... but here I am engaged and living with my fi. We decided to move in together after we were engaged mainly because of money. It is easier to save for a house when we only have one rent payment. For me, I was ok living together because we were engaged and I knew I was going to marry him.

I was going to suggest, as a few others have, getting a place with two bedroom and sleeping separate. I know 5 months doesn't sound long, but I certainly can't imagine being away from my fi for that long. I would not elope though, I think in the long term you would regret not having the wedding you are planning.

catsplosion · December 2012

If you feel so strongly about premarital cohabitation, do the long distance thing. It sucks - FI and I were long distance for our first year together - but it's doable.

However, living together was a prerequisite to his proposal - for both of us. This will be my second marriage, and I'm sure that had my first husband's family not absolutely forbidden us living together before we were married, we would have realized our mistake before we even made it.

You don't have to "live as man and wife" before you're married. You can still sleep in separate beds, still maintain boundaries, etc.

happywife2b · January 2013

To the OP, I have lived with my fiance for almost three years. We have been engaged for 2.5 of them, and always put off the wedding because we felt we had plenty of time. We flip flopped back and forth between wanting to elope and wanting the traditional to-do. Once we finally started palnning in earnest, we found out we are pregnant! Talk about a wrench in the works! The actual wedding is still at least a year a way, and I'm due in 5 mos... We agreed to have a courthouse wedding for the sake of legality, and later the "real" wedding we've been planning all this time. So trust me darling, I can feel your pain. A million thoughts, fears, questions, and noone to point me in the "right" direction. Finally I figured that the "right" thing is what works best for me and my love, though that may not be what I had originally planned, and though certain other people might not approve of it.

So that was my long-winded way of saying, do what makes you two happy, and you will never regret it.

JeaMarie · January 2013

I don't agree with the majority of the posts here. My sister had been planning her wedding when a medical issue made it so her and her husband had to get married prior to the wedding they had planned. They had a small ceremony in May with just family (She wore a white sun dress), then in August they had the regular wedding they had planned with a formal wedding gown, ceremony and reception (they just didn't sign the liscense, because it had already been signed). They celebrate both anniversaries.

It's your life. It's your wedding(s). Do whatever makes you happiest.

To move in or not to move in before the marriage(with some twists)

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