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Not Engaged Yet

interjecting with some seriousness.... :( *long*

So, I know a lot of you ladies pretty well (at least I feel like I do) and I need to get this out somewhere. Respond however you wish... I'm just having a weird night and need to talk.

A few weeks ago I got into a huge fight with one of my BM's. This happened because she threw the most ludicrous fit when Mike and I had to cancel on her, for her birthday dinner. We cancelled because Mike had inadvertently found out right before we were about to leave, that they were taking his grandfather off life support.

This is girl was absolutely cold and heartless (though she was a friend of both of us) and made it into this overly dramatic production about how I was a liar and how she was tired of people ditching her that night. **yes, I made up a lie about someone DYING, which she already knew about, so that I could get out of your birthday dinner.****

I said some not so nice things but nothing over the top just told her that I thought she was being selfish ect. This turned into a 3 day argument over texting that she would NOT stop. The last day she texted me at 7AM bitching about a 4square checkin from my phone. If you don't know what four-square is, Google it, it's stupid. At 7am she texted to yell at me about this checkin. 7AM. When I was sleeping.

At that point I was so unbelievably fed up with her I told her that I loved her and cared about her but that her neediness and desperate need for attention was too much for me. I dropped it. She texted me every hour on the hour getting more and more mean. Honestly, I would never EVER talk to anyone like she did to me. (example: She told me that if I tried to kill myself, she hoped I was successful because it would make everyone happy. Told me my life was worth nothing and proceeded to list off everything personal that I had told her, and that if she was me she would have killed herself a long time ago. I needed a psychiatrist because I was the one on crazy meds. That I was delusional if I thought Mike and I would make it because he was too good for me.) -- she told that to him, too.

I called the police and got her to stop harassing me but the damage was done. As most of you know - I have bi-polar disorder and severe anxiety. I've only been medicated since Feb. right around when she and I re-connected again. With everything else that had been going on what she said just destroyed me. I didn't tell anyone but Mike and he went off on her, too.

I tried really hard not to let it get to me but anyone with any kind of mood disturbance/depression knows that all it takes is one thing to set it off. So much had fallen on me since July that I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up trying to overdose on acetaminophen (I took 14 500mg extra strength tablets at once.) but it only landed me in the ER. I tried again by drinking Tylenol with codeine, taking Tylenol, vicodin and klonopins. I slept for 18 hours straight and was shocked when I woke up the next evening.

I've talked about it to the necessary people, however, it's still hanging over my head. I'm fighting it with everything I have but Mike is pretty much checked out of our relationship right now (I dunno what is going on) and I'm alone a lot. We've talked ad nausea but it's not giving me anything. I'm just wondering if everything is one big mistake. I'm starting to doubt everything now and I hate it. I know I need to see a psychologist but that can't happen til Monday and I needed to get this out now.

I'm not looking for sympathy, for anyone to feel sorry for me or for anything really. I just needed to put these thoughts somewhere instead of in my head. Honestly, if things ever get to that point again, I just want to thank you ladies for being a great support system, a kick in the ass, and provider of laughs over the last few months. This board has really helped me get away from things for a minute.

I know this is long and I am super sorry if you went through this entire thing. I just needed to journal somewhere and for someone to see it.

You all are fantastic people even if everyone doesn't always agree.
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Re: interjecting with some seriousness.... :( *long*

  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm more than happy to be a kick in the patooty. 

    You will have PM in a min too. 
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  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011


    I'm very sorry you're going through this, and I sincerely hope both you and Mike get the help you need to make it through together.




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  • meamollymeamolly member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am so sorry to hear she is being like this. No one should ever take your personal stuff and turn it on you. I would hug you if i could.
  • Wrkn925Wrkn925 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I do not have the real support and advice you need.  I'm truly sorry I cannot offer you that.

    I just think someone needs to tell yout that the things your BM said were cruel and unnecessary.  I don't know you, but no one should have to hear those things.
    There are people that love you, your fiance' loves you, and only the two of you determine the stability of your relationship.

    I'm glad that you have made the steps to get this toxic person out of your life.

    Best of luck, and keep your head high--if only to snub the one who wants to see you fall.
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Venting is always good. Seriously, I'm glad you have an outlet for it. Mood disorders and mental health is always hard. Honestly, you're probably better off without this girl, but I bet you know it already.

    What do you mean Mike's checked out? You don't have to answer if you don't want to.
  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am very sorry you had to go through that. For what its worth, i work with a lady who is also bi-polar. i see people take advantage of her and treat her in a similar manner. i think there are some really messed up people out there who feed on those they deem weaker, and that they can take advantage of. makes them feel stronger. you dont need her in your life. you are the better and stronger person. take care of yourself. good luck
  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    It always sucks when someone who you thought was a friend can turn so evil over something so petty, but honestly, it's probably for the best that you found out how she really is so that you could get her out of your life. 

    All I can say is that I'm glad you are still with us and getting the help you need to get through this.  Hang in there *Hugs*
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  • edited December 2011
    Thank all of you for being so sweet. I honest to God was not setting out to make this into a woe is me, feel bad for me post. Just a release of thoughts onto paper or something, I guess. If they stay in my head I tend to get overwhelmed. :::hugs for all of you::::

    Bren - I guess checked out isn't the right phrase. We're both extremely busy and we don't spend a lot of time together. When we do have time together he falls asleep. Like tonight. At 10:30. I mean really? TMI but our sex life has definitely suffered due to his shyness to initiate sex and my "whatever" attitude. We literally talked/fought for a week straight but nothing stuck with him. I know he's trying in his own way, it's just not working, and comes off like he doesn't really care.

    Red - Having bi-polar disorder actually has made me a much stronger person most of the time. I've spent years perfecting the art of walking away from people that are bad for me. Unfortunately, like your co-worker, it takes me longer to see that sometimes. When I do, though, those people are gone forever.

    I don't know why she set me off so badly - honestly she drove me nuts - I think she was just the straw that broke the camels back. *shrugs*

    Once again, all of you are class acts (most anyway) and the support is nice to hear. :) I hate to post and run but I'm exhausted and tomorrow will be a long day.

    Love to you all!
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I don't know you very well but I have a friend who is bi-polar and for a long time he was suicidal. It was a hard thing to watch him go through because he was hurting so badly and there was so little I could do for him. It is horrible that this girl used personal information about you to attack you. I just want you to know that even though most of us here are internet strangers to you I'm sure that on this board you have a lot of support and people who care about you. Please vent here whenever you need too.


  • edited December 2011
    ::Hugs to you Beth::::

    It seems having bi-polar disorder is a popular thing. Honestly, I have only ever been suicidal one other time and I was I think 14 or 15. No real reason for it, I just hurt really badly for some reason. I feel for your friend and think it's great to see a good friend stand by someone who is suffering. Unless you have it, you'll probably never fully understand, but God love all of you who do try to.

    Stress is a huge trigger for me and there's been a lot of it. I've worked hard to keep things calm but sometimes things don't work out that way. Thats life. I am a strong person and I will push past this, eventually. I appreciate all of you, sincerely, for being so kind.... it makes me feel like the world is essentially a pretty good place.

    For internet strangers ya'll are pretty bad ass!
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  • Tula214Tula214 member
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I rarely post on this board, but I felt I had to respond to this.

    Nobody, and I mean NOBODY should be treated that why by someone who is supposed to be your friend. I know a few people who suffer from bi-polar disorder. I myself suffer on and off from severe depression. It's not easy at all.

    You have a man that loves you. I'm positive he's trying to get through to you. You have a long life ahead of you together. All you need is therapy, and medication. Everything will get under control soon.

    Try not to let this person get you so down. They obviously are not worth your time. That's not a friend AT ALL.
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  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Dreamer, I hope you know that regardless of whether you have bipolar disorder, you're doing very well in live. My mom has it, but I can see that you're working hard to live a relatively stable life (because whose life is ever completely stable?) and work well with it. And you're doing just that. It isn't an easy thing, but you're doing it successfully.
  • Beads921Beads921 member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Dreamer, I feel for you. I'm so sorry you had to experience that - what a cruel, awful thing for a person to do. 

    On another note, you're going to have a PM in a few. 
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    Life is good today.
  • edited December 2011
    Oh Dreamer...I'm so sorry I got to this late.  Where to start?

    1) You're "friend" is a b!tch.  Even if you were lying to her about why you ditched her for her birthday (which you were NOT), that is NOT, in ANY way, shape, or form, an acceptable response.  REAL friends always understand these things.  To throw in your face EVERY personal thing you've ever told her is childish, hurtful, and wrong.  It shows you that you CANNOT trust her and she is NOT a true friend.  I know it's hard for you, but honestly, DO NOT worry about what she said.  She's a selfish, immature, cruel b!tch and a sh!tty person.  She's not worth your time or energy.  Seriously, if I could punch her in the face for saying that to you, I would.  And I'd gladly accept the assault and battery charges.  What she did was purposefully harass and cyber-bully a friend who she KNEW had Bi-Polar...depending on the jurisdiction, she could be held CRIMINALLY LIABLE for that!  (Yes, it's official...I've been in law school too long.)  NONE of this was even remotely your fault, so DO NOT beat yourself up over ANY of it.

    2)  When were these attempts?  (You don't have to reply if you don't want to.)  Listen to me... You are a wonderful, beautiful, strong woman and that has been apparent to me from the first time I spoke with you.  (And trust me, I'm a harsh critic.)  If you were gone, I PERSONALLY would miss you.  Being able to come on here during my down time to talk to all of these girls (ESPECIALLY you, Cate, GPB, and the others) has been such a wonderful experience.  YOU PERSONALLY have made me feel more comfortable with the board.  You have always encouraged me and NEVER judged me (in my not so lovely moments).  YOU are a TRUE friend.  So don't listen to that f*cking moron.

    The way you're speaking about "if anything ever happens" really worries me.  I want you to promise me that you're going to talk to someone on Monday.  And if you feel bad enough that you don't think you can make it until Monday, I want you to check yourself into a hospital.  I lost my friend Tyler to suicide in February.  I can honestly say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  He was a smart, funny, handsome, caring, passionate person...seriously probably the most brilliant individual that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  And he took his own life.  And no one really understood why.  He could have gone so far in his life if only he'd gotten some help.  I went to his wake and saw his parents and I cannot explain what losing a child that way does to parents or other relatives.  I went to find the casket...and there was no casket.  Just a table with a little box on it.  I was so confused...I kept wondering "Where's Tyler?"  Then I realized that they'd cremated him and the little box on the table WAS Tyler.  My friend, who I'd seen just a few months before, was now nothing more than a box of ashes on a table.  And I lost it.  I can't explain to you the pain one feels when their friend dies WAY before their time and becomes nothing more than memories and a box of ashes.

    You don't have to be like that.  I BEG you not to be like that.  Get help...NOW.  You of all people should know that what you're thinking and feeling is nothing more than the result of a chemical imbalance in your brain that can be treated and remedied by seeing a professional. 

    3)  If I had to bet, I'd say Mike is probably acting weird because he's worried for you and doesn't want to say anything because he doesn't know what might push you over the edge.  He asked you to spend the rest of your life with him...that means he loves you and wants what's best for you.  Do yourself, him, and your relationship a favor, and get help.  You can't fix your relationship until you've fixed yourself.

    4)  If you feel really overwhelmed like this again and want to vent/talk/cry incoherently, I will be PMing you my phone number.  Also, should you need to take a break from your life, you're more than welcome to come stay with me (and FI and Geimini) in Boston.  (NOTE:  YES, YOU, an internet "stranger", who I've never met before in my life have made a profound enough impact on me that I'm opening up my home to you.)

    I'll send you a PM now.
  • edited December 2011
    Wow, you all seriously overwhelmed me with your responses. It's almost noon and I'm crying already! All of you don't know how much your support is appreciated and deeply felt. I think each one of you deserves some kind of Gold Star (real gold, too.) :) I am feeling better this morning after a very long cry and talking things over with Mike.

    I woke up to beautiful flowers for Sweetest Day and a man who is definitely working very hard to put things back on track.

    @Tula - I won't say I am sorry for your friends having BPD because there's nothing to be sorry for. We're all dealt a hand in life and it's whatever we make it. I hope they and YOU are doing well and living her life the best you can. I guess my mother was right and I need to go back to therapy (thankfully school offers it for free for students). Medication has helped significantly. If you ever need to talk PM me! I know how hard it can be.

    @Bren - Your mom is an example, to me at least, that I can have a family and still keep my sanity. LOL. She obviously raised a very intelligent and kind daughter and that makes me happy and hopeful. I don't know how successful I've been so far but I keep trying to push through and actually achieve as much stability as I can.

    @Shoes - You are awesome and I adore you. That is all I can really say. :) I read the situation about your friend the other day and the FB post and I didn't know how to respond. I felt your pain and your friends too. I promise you and everyone else here that has showed their concern and caring; that I will see someone on Monday. I have to or I will continue to spiral downward and that isn't okay. Oh - these attempts were about 3 weeks or so ago, I think, when I disappeared for like 5 days. I can't keep track of time anymore.

    Once again - I wrote this message not as a pity party or even to AW (if anyone thinks that it's okay). It was a bad evening and I needed a quick outlet to get everything out in a cathartic form. It actually felt good to tell someone, anyone what was going on. This girl and yeah she is a "girl" at 25 - is someone who I will never put myself in the position to be around again. In fact, I cut out the mutual friends we had (which by the way were my friends YEARS before they were her's) and let them deal with her. She sucked as a friend IMO and her words just showed how spiteful and immature she is.

    Thank you all again you have literally ALL been life-savers. :)
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm a little late getting to this post...can't say anything that hasn't been said already.  I'm glad that you feel you can vent to us.  You of all people know how important it is to get things off your chest and not let them build up inside.

    I'm gonna send you a PM, too...<3
  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    It's not always a bad thing to ask for a little attention, Dreamer! You're in a bad place and needed some catharsis and support. What better place than here? I don't think any less of you for posting it here.

    My previous response was short and simple b/c we haven't always had the best relationship and it seemed like it would come across presumptuous or fake (or something?) to suddenly be all lovey dovey. :)

    But I sincerely meant what I said. I truly wish you and Mike all the best and hope you're able to come through this TOGETHER, stronger and happier as individuals and as a couple.

    I'm so glad Shoes talked about how hard suicide is for the people left behind. I didn't feel equipped to address that, not having experienced it with a close friend. But it's so important to know that a choice like that really does deeply affect those who care about you. Please keep this in mind always, esp as it pertains to the man who wants to spend his life with you. I think Shoes also had a good analysis for what is maybe going on with him.

    I'm really happy for you that you're feeling a bit better this morning. Please please please do go to see the psychologist on Monday. And don't be afraid to shop around for different therapists and psychiatrists if you need to. Sometimes you really need to find the right person to help you.

    Something that helps me when I'm feeling down (and I also struggle with clinical depression, so I do have an understanding of how down down can be, though of course it is different for everyone) is to put myself through a really tough workout. Somehow, pushing myself physically reminds me that I'm always stronger than I think I am.

    Again, wishing you all the best!
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  • leia1979leia1979 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    *Hugs* Dreamer. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time, and your BM doesn't sound like a good friend, at all. Nobody needs that kind of drama.

    Keep your chin up and remember that you do have a lot of good things going for you!  And there's a kick-ass group of internet strangers that are here when you need to vent.
  • edited December 2011

    @ Desert, I'm sorry for not seeing this sooner. You didn't come across as anything other than caring and sweet quite honestly. I was happy to see you responded at all simply because we haven't had the best relationship. I actually do really like you and I hope I've grown on you at least a smidge. :)

    I appreciate your advice and honestly everyone here made me really think things through and have an extremely LONG and emotional talk with Mike about what is really going on. He finally "got it" and we are doing this as a team. He wants me to go to therapy by myself and then for us to do couples counseling together so that he can understand me better. He is honestly extremely worried and was crying; I felt terrible.

    Things are much better since Friday and desert you are spot-on I kicked my own ass this weekend in working out. 4 workouts in 2 days and I felt so much better. I'm sorry to hear that you suffer from depression, too. It is rough and feel for anyone who has anything going on mentally that detracts from normal living.

    @ Leia - thank you sweetie. I am most definitely keeping my head up and making the best path I can for my own success; I think I just needed some 3rd party talk to finally get some perspective.

    Everyone is kick-ass and I'm giving hugs to the whole board. :)

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  • MLekathLEENMLekathLEEN member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I read this on my phone last night and wasn't able to respond until now.

    **hugs** We are always here for you if you need to talk to someone. You're always welcome to post on here, even if it's just to collect your thoughts. If it's something you may not want to share with everyone, please don't hesitate to PM any of us (myself included). No matter what, you've always got a great bunch of girls here if you need em.

     It really hurts me and pisses me off that she would use things you said to her, in confidence,against you. I'm sorry you had such a sucky friend and I wouldn't even acknowledge her presence anymore. You don't need people like that in your life, especially knowing that anything you say to her may be used against you next time she is mad at you. You deserve better, even if it's a bunch of snarky interweb friendz. That being said, I hope that BM now stands for bowel movement.Smile
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry this has happened.  You don't need friends like that, and I'm glad you and your FI are getting help to work through your problems.  Please listen to these ladies - suicide is never a good option.  There are people and places and medicines that can help you live a VERY normal life. Never be afraid to reach out for that help.

    On a side note, I will say that when you said your friend wouldn't stop the text message fight - it takes two to argue, so if you stop texting back she loses the power of the argument.  Conversations are never good over written media (email, text, etc.).  It takes away the human aspect and makes it easier to misinterpret things, add tones that weren't intended, and gives you "proof" of the argument.  There's no advantage.  Also, it takes two people to argue - if someone starts arguing over text, tell them you want to meet for coffee to discuss it or over the phone.  If you stop texting back, the argument stops.  It's the only mature thing to do.  Just FYI, for next time.

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    Anniversary

  • edited December 2011
    @ Kath - Thank you for the open invite! Everything is going much better today than a few days ago and Mike and I are definitely working at getting better in our communication. She wasn't a good friend and I refuse to even acknowledge her (other than my vast desire to hit her in the face) even when I saw her on Saturday night. I promise to contact you (or any of the other wonderful women on here, if I ever feel like that again!) LOL - yes it stands for bowel movement!

    @Cate - You are definitely right that it takes two to argue. I think that's what confused me and hurt me the most. I responded at first (before she started being ridiculous) but then I quit and told her to leave me alone. I actually gave her ZERO response for about 6 hours but that only fueled her more. My lack of response pushed her farther and farther until she got really cruel. I think she was looking for me to snap and go off; give her a reason to confirm my "crazyness". But I didn't and it obviously pissed her off. The only thing she got out of me was after she told me that my life was worth nothing, listed off all the very personal things that have happened ***such as me being abused, raped ect*** and that if she was me she would have offed herself by now. At that point I texted back and told her I was calling the police and turning her over for harassment. I did just that and the police officer came to my house and called her VM.

    Past that point we NEVER communicated again - she just continued to go off about me on her FB and put all my business out to her 438 friends. I didn't even write one single thing pertaining to her. I wanted to show her that I was taking the high road even though it hurt inside. We haven't spoken since and that was the end. I thank you for caring so much and it hasn't been easy because I did trust her - you're right I should have never even responded period. Trust me I will never, ever have that happen again.

    :)
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  • jess9802jess9802 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I don't know you, but I'm really sorry to read this. It sounds like your friend has some very serious psychiatric issues herself. Whatever her deal, she is absolutely toxic and has no place in your life.

    I really hope you are continuing to receive mental health treatment, including talk therapy, and that you are seeing your therapist more frequently until this calms down. You may also want to look into peer support groups for those with mood disorders. They aren't therapy options, but they can be good support networks apart from your friends and family (who may not understand everything you are experiencing).

    My very best wishes for you and your FI.
  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Wow, really late to the party here...

    Dreamer, no one deserves to be treated like that.  No one deserves to be hurt and put down and let down like that.  You don't deserve that treatment and you don't deserve to feel that way.  Please let us know if there's anything we can do.

    We're here for ya, girlie.

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  • edited December 2011
    Paige and Sunbird - you both brought tears to my eyes, in a good way. This whole board has really made me feel so much better. I didn't know so many strangers could care, it is a good feeling and I am feeling much less weighed down.

    I don't want anyone else to have to go through anything like I have been dealing with so if ANYONE on this board reads this and ever feels like they're alone; I just want them to know they aren't. As you ladies are there for me, I am here for each and every one of you.

    I think what made me really go over the edge was the fact that the very few people I did share this with (aside from FI) acted as if I was overreacting. My former MOH, asked me if maybe I was just upset about other things and I should stop letting people get to me because what she did wasn't that bad. I felt like I was crazy for being upset about it but you ladies have truly made me feel like I'm not entirely off the board nuts. :)

    <3 you all!
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