Snarky Brides

I'm being an assshole and I know it---help!

So, I mostly lurk, and I've seen a lot of posts from girls who had a relative/friend get engaged after them but set the date before the OP's wedding date, and the OP is all upset.  I always thought it was a ridiculous thing to get upset about.  Until now.  I know I'm an asshole for feeling this way, and I don't know how to make myself feel differently.

I got engaged may of this year, wedding planned for june 22, 2012.  My cousin just got engaged last month, and had said that her wedding was either going to be august 2012 or sometime in 2013.  Got a text from her today--Her wedding will be June 2nd, 2012.  Immediately I thought to myself "seriously????"  then I thought to myself "you're being ridiculous".  I don't know why this is bothering me!  My mom was pissed, she said it was "my year" and she was taking it all away--which I don't agree with at all.  I think mostly I'm upset because I know my aunt and uncle who live in Florida aren't going to fly up twice in June, and I really want  them to be at my wedding.  I'm in Michigan, so I obviously didn't grow up with them around.  The thing is, my grandma passed away this april.  She had lived with my family for the past 3 years.  When my aunt and uncle came to michigan for the week of the funeral (they stayed awhile to help my mom with estate stuff, etc), we got really close.  They were over almost every night and we would all stay up and talk and drink wine, etc.  FI and I had talked to them about how we were likely going to be married in 2012 and they expressed how excited they were to come.

idk..I'm not mad, I don't feel like she is "stealing the spotlight", but I'm still kind of upset.  I don't want to feel this way, I just want to be excited for her....someone slap me.

Re: I'm being an assshole and I know it---help!

  • I think as long as you know that its silly to get mad at her, and as long as you dont tell her you are mad, you are fine.  If you are going to be annoyed for a few days and then get over it, then be annoyed.
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  • While issues with traveling can make things difficult, its good that you aren't upset with the "stealing the spotlight" issue.  It doesn't sound like you're jealous of your cousin, but disappointed in the possible issues that may arise from getting family to be able to travel.

    If your date was set before your cousin's, did your aunt and uncle say they would make the arrangements for your wedding?  Maybe if they knew about yours first, they will honor it.  Or even make some sacrifices to make it to both your weddings.  I'm sorry that there are issues.

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  • Are we twins?!

    Seriously, I'm going through the exact same thing. My cousin got engaged six months after me (after my date was set, deposit was down, family/close friends knew the date) and chose THE WEEKEND BEFORE ME. I don't care about the spotlight or any of that stuff, I just think it was incredibly rude seeing as she knew my date. Not to mention, most of our family is from Kentucky, while we're in Michigan. I feel like no one is going to come up here two weekends in a row.

    Totally natural to be a little bit bummed. 
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  • i guess if you dont want people who are engaged around the same time as you to pick the same month, then dont get married the most popular month for weddings?

    I mean June is pretty popular, if not the most popular month for weddings.  Its also prime time for Graduation parties, dance recitals etc so be prepared for that too.
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  • jujub423jujub423 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Blueyed, I think that's how it's going to be--I'm going to be annoyed for awhile, but I'll get over it.  (I haven't been able to figure out how to quote from other posts yet).  I would never say anything to her about it--if the tables were turned, and she told me she was mad, I'd probably blow her off.  I think it upsets me too because I would do whatever I could to NOT have my wedding right before a relatives if I knew their date already.  But, like you said, June is the most popular month for weddings.

    Bltata, My aunt and uncle knew we would be married summer 2012 but not an exact date, we weren't officially engaged yet (FI was waiting for his next bonus check to get the ring).  I'm pretty sure my mom told them the date, but my invites may go out after my cousin's, so I don't know if they would base it on who's they get first.

    I hope I'll feel better about it in a few days.  I feel really bad for kind of "side-eyeing" her for choosing that date, because I know she didn't do it on purpose. I'm sure she has her reasons, and who am I to question them?
  • edited December 2011
    Same exact thing here. My cousin got engaged to her boyfriend of a few months shortly after I got engaged and set the wedding date a month before mine. Yeah, it's annoying but not really much can be done. Like you said, you already know it's silly. You're just being honest with yourself.

    PS - my wedding is June 2nd...woohoo!! :-)
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  • Send those STDs out ASAP ;)

    As long as you keep your gripes to yourself (and your FI), it's totally fine to be annoyed.
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  • Maybe you could talk to your aunt if plans sound set and ask her what she thinks could happen, or how to make it work that she could be there for both weddings.

    I know how you feel, although it wasn't directly related with me.  My cousin got married on my brothers 21st birthday of this year.  It made me furious to begin with!  I couldn't see how she thought she was going to take away my brothers 21st birthday.  Granted he isn't a drinker, or a partier, I knew that was the last thing he wanted to do was go to a wedding.  

    Moral of the story, he had a good time, she had a good time, all the family was happy, and it all worked out.  Even if you end up having to change some of your plans, it is your day.  
    Have you thought about you getting married earlier or later so there isn't such a financial struggle?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-being-assshole?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5061b151-82c2-4da5-8455-ca0f07a6c50bPost:b53c3e93-8fa0-476c-9524-71bff5ee6b30">Re: I'm being an assshole and I know it---help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe you could talk to your aunt if plans sound set and ask her what she thinks could happen, or how to make it work that she could be there for both weddings. I know how you feel, although it wasn't directly related with me.  <strong>My cousin got married on my brothers 21st birthday of this year.  It made me furious to begin with!</strong> I couldn't see how she thought she was going to take away my brothers 21st birthday.  Granted he isn't a drinker, or a partier, I knew that was the last thing he wanted to do was go to a wedding.   Moral of the story, he had a good time, she had a good time, all the family was happy, and it all worked out .  Even if you end up having to change some of your plans, it is your day.   Have you thought about you getting married earlier or later so there isn't such a financial struggle?
    Posted by Grits8812[/QUOTE]

    OP being annoyed/upset about family possibly not making it to their wedding and your brothers first day of a legal boozing is not even close to the same thing.
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  • For maybe, oh, 2 seconds I contemplated moving the date.  Then realized that would probably look childish, and I had my date set first anyways.  My parents are paying for the whole wedding (they've been saving for mine and my sister's weddings since we were babies), so thankfully there is no financial strain. 
  • You could send out STD's if you haven't already so everyone has a heads up of your date. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-being-assshole?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5061b151-82c2-4da5-8455-ca0f07a6c50bPost:1efcf07e-5bc8-4840-8ed0-4f478e2439e6">Re: I'm being an assshole and I know it---help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Send those STDs out ASAP</strong> ;) As long as you keep your gripes to yourself (and your FI), it's totally fine to be annoyed.
    Posted by whitsy[/QUOTE]

    I actually think that this is good advice if you think family will only travel once. 
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  • June 2nd is my birthday, so you're getting married on like, the BEST day of the entire year.  So there's that.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-being-assshole?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5061b151-82c2-4da5-8455-ca0f07a6c50bPost:7ec67a9b-1d57-40ef-8b68-902881232a7b">Re: I'm being an assshole and I know it---help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]June 2nd is my birthday, so you're getting married on like, the BEST day of the entire year.  So there's that.
    Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

    no no, Nuggs. Her COUSIN is getting married on June 2nd.  Way to rub salt in an open wound. geesh.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-being-assshole?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5061b151-82c2-4da5-8455-ca0f07a6c50bPost:697420dd-2c43-4b13-93fe-7f3dc7b58240">Re: I'm being an assshole and I know it---help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm being an assshole and I know it---help! : no no, Nuggs. Her COUSIN is getting married on June 2nd.  Way to rub salt in an open wound. geesh.
    Posted by Steph0871[/QUOTE]

    Oh.  Well, sh*t then...yeah.  That sucks.
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  • I'm going through the same thing! My date is set for November 10 2013 and we got engaged on December 4 2011. My cousin proposed to his girlfriend a week later and are now planning a wedding for November 2012. My FI and I can't change the date because he's in the USCG and won't be able to get leave for a while. To top it all off, my cousin and his fiance have booked THE SAME VENUE! 

    I feel ya! I think it's okay to be upset. It does feel like your spot light is being stolen, right? I'm just going to suck it up and put my energy into making my wedding amazing! :) Good luck!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-being-assshole?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:5061b151-82c2-4da5-8455-ca0f07a6c50bPost:23b7b0dc-9425-4799-94b0-b7d0328a9076">Re: I'm being an assshole and I know it---help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm going through the same thing! My date is set for November 10 2013 and we got engaged on December 4 2011. My cousin proposed to his girlfriend a week later and are now planning a wedding for November 2012. My FI and I can't change the date because he's in the USCG and won't be able to get leave for a while. To top it all off, my cousin and his fiance have booked THE SAME VENUE!  I feel ya! I think it's okay to be upset. It does feel like your spot light is being stolen, right? I'm just going to suck it up and put my energy into making my wedding amazing! :) Good luck!
    Posted by mrsjmwolfe[/QUOTE]

    But that's a year between weddings?  What is wrong with that?
  • My brother and I are getting married 2 months apart (we got engaged 3 weeks apart) and family will have to travel for bother weddings and most likely won't be able to.  It is slightly different because FI and I are paying for my wedding whereas my bro's FI's parents are paying for theirs but I am actually HOPING if family can only go to one, they go to my brother's.  I'm not crazy, let me explain.  Besides the fact that this wedding is a financial stress, I KNOW I'll be able to spend more time with my family at my brother's wedding than at my own.  At your own wedding you are pulled in 8000 directions.  At my brothers wedding, while I am standing on his side, most people aren't going to be looking for me (her entire side won't care who I am but I'm sure FI's great aunt twice removed will want to meet the bride) so I'll have time to dance and drink and laugh with my uncle and cousins I never see.  If you know you are being silly I wouldn't worry.  Having them witness your wedding is special so I'd send the STDs yesterday but if it works out they only go to your cousins, just party the night away with them.  It doesn't mean they cherish your relationship any less.
  • I tell my kids this all the time...your feelings are your feelings and there is nothing wrong with feeling happy, sad, mad, pissed off, annoyed, etc.  What goes wrong is when we act on those feelings in a destructive manner.  It's okay you are annoyed about the inconvience family will face when deciding which wedding to attend.  I'd be annoyed too.  My H proposed to me on thanksgiving day last year and we wed this Oct.  My younger brother's gf got mad at him that he hadn't asked her first since 1) they'd been dating longer and 2) she was pregnant.  I got annoyed that I got a little flak for my H proposing to me when he did but unlike her I didn't act on it.  Keep doing the right thing, don't say a word.  Let the important people that may have to choose between the two dates know what your date is and then let them choose. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_im-being-assshole?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:5061b151-82c2-4da5-8455-ca0f07a6c50bPost:b34743dc-b0a3-4e20-a5c3-cd3539b800be">Re: I'm being an assshole and I know it---help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm being an assshole and I know it---help! : But that's a year between weddings?  What is wrong with that?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Guess you wouldn't understand unless it's happening to you. Just trying to sympathize with the OP. Unless it's happening to you, you shouldn't ask what's wrong with that, because my feelings are hurt and that's what's wrong. I was just offering support to the OP. </div>
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